God s plan for marriage 4, Repentance, Forgiveness & Reconciliation

Bethel Baptist Church Fergus God s plan for marriage 4, Repentance, Forgiveness & Reconciliation 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 Pastor Paul Hudson 12 June 2011

Table of Contents I. INTRODUCTION... 1 II. TWO STORIES... 3 A. Cliff and Diane... 3 B. Unconditional.... 4 C. Repentance, Forgiveness and Reconciliation... 5 D. Gospel!... 6 III. REPENTANCE... 6 A. Repentance and the Gospel... 6 B. What is Repentance?... 7 C. True Repentance in our Marriages... 9 IV. FORGIVENESS... 10 A. The Gospel of Forgiveness... 10 B. Our Call to Forgive... 11 C. Obeying the Command to Forgive... 12 D. A Forgiveness that Imitates God s Forgiveness... 13 V. RECONCILIATION... 13 ii

REPENTANCE, FORGIVENESS & RECONCILIATION 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. I. INTRODUCTION We ve spent the last few weeks talking about God s plan for marriage, including what the Apostle Paul wrote to the believers in Corinth in this chapter, but also Christ s teaching on marriage and divorce in Matthew 19, the Mosaic regulation of divorce in Deuteronomy 24 and God s original intent for marriage, described in Genesis 1 and 2 and highlighted by Jesus Christ and by Paul: Matthew 19:4-8 "Have you not read that he who created them from the beginning made them male and female, 5 and said, 'Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? 6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate."... 8 He said to them, "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. God s intent for marriage is that husband and wife be joined together in a life-long, permanent, covenant relationship with Him; husband and wife together as one-flesh, one party in the covenant, and He, God, the other party, the Head of the covenant. Our chief text this morning is just these two verses from 1 Corinthians 7, verses 10-11: Page 1 of 15

1 Corinthians 7:10-11 10 To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband 11 (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. Last week I said, and I do believe, that in the context of 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is writing to believers who had come to the mistaken conclusion, that because of the rampant sexual immorality of the culture in which they lived, it would be better for them to divorce from their spouses in an effort to remain pure. Paul was not over-ruling the exception clause that Jesus gave in Matthew 5 and 19, that in the case of adultery, it is permissible for believers to divorce. Divorce is permissible in the case of adultery. As we saw in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, it is permissible in the case where an unbelieving spouse deserts the marriage, and I argued last week, it is permissible in the case of continued, unrepentant spousal abuse, but divorce is never a good thing. In verses 10-11 Paul urges the believers in Corinth, the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. His charge, his command, his instructions are that the couple should not divorce, but that they should reconcile. Reconciliation should be our goal in every disagreement, in every sin issue in our marriages. Our marriages are meant to be a picture of the relationship of Christ and His bride, the church, and we should have that picture in our hearts as we work through issues with each other, we should have that picture in our hearts as we live together as husband and wife before our children, before others in our churches, and especially before the unsaved world around us. Our marriages are to be a living testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Repentance, Forgiveness and Reconciliation in our Page 2 of 15

marriages is a picture of the Gospel of Jesus Christ and is only truly possible by the grace of God in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. II. TWO STORIES Let me begin by reading two stories of Repentance, Forgiveness and Reconciliation in marriages. One was given to me and another I found. One concerns abuse and the other adultery. Both stories could have ended in divorce, but neither did. One story highlights Repentance, the other story highlights Forgiveness. Both stories end in Reconciliation. Both stories are beautiful pictures of the Gospel of Jesus Christ being lived out in the context of that most intimate of personal relationships, marriage. A. Cliff and Diane The first story is from a helpful little booklet on abuse called, Help! Someone I Love has been Abused, written by Jim Newheiser, a pastor and Biblical Counselor from California. Cliff and Diane had been married for just over a year when they had their first big fight. Both were guilty of harsh words, but when Diane pushed him, Cliff slapped her face. Both melted into tears. Cliff immediately got on the phone to their pastor who had done their pre-marital counseling. The pastor and his wife came over. Both Cliff and Diane openly confessed where they had been wrong. Cliff told Diane, There is no excuse for my striking you. I hate what I did and would rather die than ever again touch you in anger. I want our pastor to keep me accountable, and you have my permission to phone him if you ever sense I am losing control. Will you please forgive me? And she did forgive him. The two couples had a sweet time of fellowship and prayer together. The pastor continued to follow up with both Page 3 of 15

Cliff and Diane, and so far as he knows, there was never another incident like this. 1 B. Unconditional. This story was printed in the July/August 2010 edition of thriving family, a magazine from Focus on the Family. Two sentences changed my life forever... The first caused my life to crumble. The second gave me the courage to put it back together. Despite the rumors, I never saw it coming. People had begun whispering that [a man of our acquaintenance] was having sexual encounters with women in our church. That s when my wife said the first sentence to me: I was one of those women. Darkness flooded my soul. At first I wanted to die and to burn my house down around me. Then I wanted to injure the man who had hurt my family and taken advantage of my wife. Finally, I wanted to leave. Start over. But God s grace kept me from running. The first positive thing I did was call a counselor. As I poured out my pain, he said the second sentence: Love your wife the way Christ loves you. The way Christ loves me. I became obsessed with finding out how Christ loved me. How could He love me with all the terrible thoughts I was having? As I continued to dwell on this, a very simple concept became clear: Even when I did not respond to Christ s love, He kept loving me. So that s the commitment I made: to keep loving my wife, no matter how I felt or how she responded. This meant accepting her without judgment, going to counseling, praying with her and continuing to eat dinner together as a family. Even if I didn t feel married, I was going to act married. 38. 1 Jim Newheiser, Help! Someone I Love has been Abused, (Leominster, UK: Day One Publications, 2010), p. Page 4 of 15

This wasn t easy. When we went out together, I would reach over and take her hand in mine. For two-and-a-half years, she never once reciprocated that simple act of affection mostly because of the guilt and shame that gripped her heart. But I kept taking her hand, even when it felt forced. I ve learned that discovering Christ s unconditional love and applying that to my relationship with my wife is a lifelong process. It s not a revelation that will change anyone s heart in an afternoon, or a month, or even a year. But it did eventually change me and my marriage. Today my wife is my best friend. I cherish the time we spend riding our motorcycles, sitting together on the beach or chatting over a cup of coffee. If I had let bitterness consume me, I never would have accepted Christ s love so deeply or had the opportunity to live life with Anne. Choosing to love her in the same way Christ loves me was one of the hardest things I ve ever done. But it led to more joy than I ever could have imagined. 2 C. Repentance, Forgiveness and Reconciliation In the first story, both Cliff and Diane immediately repented of their sin. We learn about Cliff in particular, who was genuinely horrified by his sin. He took concrete steps to bring others into the situation to counsel him and to hold him to be accountable. Diane acknowledged her own sin, and was prepared to forgive Cliff. In the second story, the husband was almost destroyed by his wife s adultery, and was prepared to end the marriage, but he was reminded of the love of Christ for him. He was reminded that though he is a sinner, Christ died for him. In Christ, he is forgiven of his sin, and the husband chose, by an act of his will, not simply following his feelings, to forgive his wife and to love her, even as Christ loves the church (Eph 5:25). In both situations, there was reconciliation and the marriages were able to continue and I pray, to flourish, having been strengthened 2010), p. 50-51. 2 Jonas Beiler with Shawn Smucker, Unconditional, thriving family (Focus on the Family: July/August Page 5 of 15

by the trial that husband and wife had come through, together, by the grace of God. D. Gospel! This is the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that though we are sinners, God loves us so much that He sent His only Son, Jesus Christ, to take our nature upon Himself, to suffer all of the trials and temptations of this life, and yet to do so without sin, that He might be the only perfect sacrifice for our sins. On the cross of Calvary, Jesus willingly took upon Himself the just punishment of the Holy and Righteous God, that by faith in Him and in Him alone, not in ourselves, we could be reconciled to God. God the Holy Spirit moves in our hearts, making us aware of the Holiness of God and the terrible effect of sin which separates us from Him. We repent of our sin, and are forgiven by God when we put our faith in Jesus. We are reconciled to God in by our faith Christ Jesus. Let s take some time this morning to talk about each of these three things, repentance, forgiveness and reconciliation as they apply in our marriages, and as they model the Gospel of Jesus Christ before the world. III. REPENTANCE A. Repentance and the Gospel Repentance is the first call of the Gospel. The call of the Old Testament prophets to the people of Israel was a call to repent of their sin and to return to worship the One True God. The call of John the Baptist in the wilderness was a call to repent (Mark 1:4-5). The first doctrine our Lord Jesus Christ preached 3 3 J.C. Ryle, Old Paths (Carlisle PA: The Banner of Truth Trust, 1999 (original 1878)), p. 404. Page 6 of 15

was repent and believe in the gospel (Mark 1:15). After Christ s ascension into heaven, on the Day of Pentecost and thereafter, the call of the Apostles, the call of the Gospel is a call to repentance from sin and faith in Jesus Christ. In Acts 2:37-38, after Peter s sermon on the Day of Pentecost, Luke writes, 37 Now when they heard this they were cut to the heart, and said to Peter and the rest of the apostles, "Brothers, what shall we do?" 38 And Peter said to them, "Repent and be baptized every one of you in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. B. What is Repentance? What does repentance really look like? True repentance is much more than just sorrow. Many people are sorry that they have been caught in their sin, or sorry about the consequences of sin. True repentance is itself a gift of God, by the power of the Holy Spirit, granting godly grief for sin. The Apostle Paul wrote in 2 Corinthians 7: 10, godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. Bishop J.C. Ryle wrote about repentance in the 19 th century, in words that I can hardly improve upon, so I quote them at length here. He wrote that true repentance can be recognized when these five elements are present: a) True repentance begins with knowledge of sin. The eyes of the penitent man are opened. He sees with dismay and confusion the length and breadth of God s holy law, and the extent, the enormous extent, of his own transgressions. He discovers, to his surprise, that in thinking himself a good sort of man, and a man with a good heart, he has been under a huge delusion. He finds out that, in reality, he is wicked, and guilty, and corrupt, and bad in God s sight. His pride breaks down. His high thoughts melt away. He sees that he is neither more nor less a great sinner. This is the first step in true repentance. Page 7 of 15

b) True repentance goes on to work sorrow for sin. The heart of a penitent man is touched with deep remorse because of his past transgressions. He is cut to the heart to think that he should have lived so madly and so wickedly. He mourns over time wasted, over talents misspent, over God dishonoured, over his own soul injured. The remembrance of these things is grevious to him. The burden of these things is sometimes almost intolerable. When a man so sorrows, you have the second step in true repentance. c) True repentance proceeds, further, to produce in a man confession of sin. The tongue of a penitent man is loosed. He feels he must speak to that God against whom he has sinned. Something within him tells him he must cry to God, and pray to God, and talk with God, about the state of his own soul. He must pour out his heart, and acknowledge his iniquities, at the throne of grace. They are a heavy burden within him, and he can no longer keep silence. He can keep nothing back. He will not hide anything. He goes before God, pleading nothing for himself and willing to say, I have sinned against heaven and before Thee: my iniquity is great. God be merciful to me, a sinner! When a man goes thus to God in confession, you have the third step in true repentance. d) True repentance, furthermore, shows itself before the world in a thorough breaking off from sin. The life of a penitent man is altered. The course of his daily conduct is entirely changed. A new King reigns within his heart. He puts off the old man. What God commands he now desires to practice; and what God forbids he now desires to avoid. He strives in all ways to keep clear of sin, to fight with sin, to war with sin, to get the victory over sin. He ceases to do evil. He learns to do well. He breaks off sharply from bad ways and bad companions. He labours, however feebly, to live a new life. When a man does this, you have the fourth step in true repentance. e) True repentance, in the last place, shows itself by producing in the heart a settled habit of deep hatred of all sin. The mind of a penitent man becomes a mind habitually holy. He abhors that which is evil, and cleaves to that which is good. He delights in the law of God. He comes short of his own desires not unfrequently. He finds in himself an old principle warring against the spirit of God. He finds himself cold when he would be hot, backward when he would be forward, heavy when he Page 8 of 15

would be lively in God s service. He is deeply conscious of his own infirmities. He groans under a sense of indwelling corruption. But still, for all that, the general bias of his heart is towards God, and away from evil. He can say with David, I count all Thy precepts concerning all things to be right, and I hate every false way. (Psa. cxix 128.) When a man can say this, you have the fifth, or crowning step, of true repentance. 4 Knowledge of sin, sorrow for sin, confession of sin, breaking off from sin, deep hatred of all sin these are the elements of true repentance. C. True Repentance in our Marriages In the story about Cliff and Diane, we learn about Cliff s true repentance. He recognized his sin. He wasn t sorry simply for the consequences of his sin: it shocked him. He confessed his sin, not just to Diane, but also to his pastor and his wife. Although the short narrative doesn t tell us, during their time of prayer, Cliff would have confessed his sin to God, acknowledging, like David in Psalm 51, the gravity of his sin against God as well as against Diane. His hatred of his sin was great, and to the knowledge of his pastor, he broke off from it completely. This is what I was talking about last week when, speaking about spousal abuse, I said that we need to bring church discipline to bear upon sin in marriage. When we call sin, sin, and follow the steps that Christ gave us in Matthew 18, the sinner should be shocked into the realization of the seriousness of sin. By God s grace, true repentance is the goal, restoration of that brother or sister is the goal. In our marriages, in our relationships with our children, our family, our friends, our bosses and co-workers, are we shocked by our sin? Are we quick to acknowledge and confess our sin, do we truly break off from sin, seeking God s 4 J.C. Ryle, Old Paths, p. 406-408.. Page 9 of 15

grace not to repeat it, not to fall into patterns of sinful behaviours? Are we modeling the Gospel of Jesus Christ by our attitude to sin? IV. FORGIVENESS A. The Gospel of Forgiveness The Gospel, the Good News of Jesus Christ is also the Gospel of Forgiveness of sin. In the second story, the husband was reminded of the love of Christ for him. The second sentence, the one that opened the path to the restoration of his marriage after the first sentence almost destroyed it was, Love your wife, the way Christ loves you. He was reminded of how much Christ loves him. He was reminded of the forgiveness of sin that he has in Christ, through Christ, because of Christ. When we truly repent of our sin, and cling to Christ and to Christ alone for forgiveness of sin, our sins are truly forgiven. Listen again to words written by J.C. Ryle almost 150 years ago: The Lord Jesus Christ, in great love and compassion, has made a full and complete satisfaction for sin, by suffering death in our place upon the cross. There He offered Himself as a sacrifice for us, and allowed the wrath of God, which we deserved, to fall on His own head. For our sins, as our Substitute, He gave Himself, suffered, and died, - the just for the unjust, the innocent for the guilty, - that He might deliver us from the curse of a broken law, and provide a complete pardon for all who are willing to receive it. And by so doing, as Isaiah says, - He has borne our sins; as John the Baptist says, - He has purged our sins, and put away sin; and as Daniel says, - He has made an end of sin, and finished transgression. (Isaiah liii. 11; John i. 29; Heb. i. 3; Heb. ix. 26; Dan. ix. 24). And now the Lord Jesus Christ is sealed and appointed by God the Father to be a Prince and a Saviour, to give remission of sins to all who will have it. The keys of death and hell are put in His hand. The government of the gate of heaven is laid on His shoulder. He Himself is the door, and by Him all that enter in shall be saved. (Acts v. 31; Rev. i. 18; John x. 9). Page 10 of 15

Christ, in one word, has purchased a full forgiveness, if we are only willing to receive it. He has done all, paid all, suffered all that was needful to reconcile us to God. He has provided a garment of righteousness to clothe us. He has opened a fountain of living waters to cleanse us. He has removed every barrier between us and God the Father, taken every obstacle out of the way, and made a road by which the vilest may return. All things are now ready, and the sinner has only to believe and be saved, to eat and be satisfied, to ask and receive, to wash and be clean. And faith, simple faith, is the only thing required, in order that you and I may be forgiven. That we will come by faith to Jesus as sinners with our sins, - trust in Him, - rest on Him, - lean on Him, - confide in Him, - commit our soul to Him, - and forsaking all other hope, cleave only to Him, - this is all and everything that God asks for. Let a man only do this, and he shall be saved. His iniquities shall be found completely pardoned, and his transgressions entirely taken away. Every man and woman that so trusts is wholly forgiven, and reckoned perfectly righteous. His sins are clean gone, and his soul is justified in God s sight, however bad and guilty he may have been. 5 B. Our Call to Forgive If we, in Christ, are so forgiven of our sin, sin that separated us from God and condemned us to eternal separation from God, should we not forgive one another? Remember what Paul wrote in Colossians 3, as we read this morning: Colossians 3:12-13 12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. During His Sermon on the Mount, Jesus taught His disciples to pray, Our Father in heaven... Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. Jesus repeated the point in verses 14-15, For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive 5 J.C. Ryle, Old Paths, p. 186-187 Page 11 of 15

you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses (Matt 6:9; 11-12; 14-15). We can see through the rest of the New Testament that this is speaking of ongoing relationship with God, rather than initial salvation, justification by faith in Jesus Christ. As the ESV Study Bible puts it, Jesus reemphasizes the importance of forgiving others, indicating that there is a direct relationship between having been forgiven by God and the forgiveness that his disciples of necessity must extend to others. We are called, we are commanded to forgive others, even as we have been forgiven in Jesus Christ. C. Obeying the Command to Forgive Some might say, I don t feel like forgiving. The pain is too deep, the hurt is too great. But this command to forgive is not tied to feelings. Even as the husband in the second story said, his decision to forgive and to love his wife was a decision of the will, and not of the heart. This wasn t easy. Even if I didn t feel married, I was going to act married. It can be hard to forgive. As I said last week, the one-flesh bond of marriage is so deep and powerful, that the wounds of adultery and abandonment can be very difficult to repair, but that is what we are called to do; to forgive. Even as God in Christ forgave us, we are called to forgive. Did God wait until we were ready to be forgiven? No, the Word of God in Romans 5:8 says, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us Paul wrote in Ephesians 2:4-6: But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ, - by grace you have been saved- and raised us up with him and seated us with him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus Page 12 of 15

D. A Forgiveness that Imitates God s Forgiveness The forgiveness that we are called to extend to others who have sinned against us is to be like that of God, and not like that of the world. When God forgives us of our sin in Christ Jesus, it is deliberately forgotten. As David wrote in Psalm 103: Psalm 103:8-12 8 The LORD is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. 9 He will not always chide, nor will he keep his anger forever. 10 He does not deal with us according to our sins, nor repay us according to our iniquities. 11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him; 12 as far as the east is from the west, so far does he remove our transgressions from us. We are called to forgive one another of sin, and that means that we are to deliberately put it away from our thoughts. We are not to save up lists of past transgressions so that we can bring them out, so that we can recite lists of past sins to one another in order to multiply the wrongs in the course of a new argument. Again, as Paul wrote in Colossians 3:12-13: 12 Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. V. RECONCILIATION God, in His Son, our Saviour Jesus Christ, has Himself provided the sacrifice for sin, He has reconciled us to Himself. We are called to repent of sin, to put our faith in Jesus Christ and in Him alone for the forgiveness of our sin. Reconciliation in our marriages, in the other relationships in our lives, does not happen without Page 13 of 15

conscious effort. It requires repentance of sin and forgiveness for sin, usually on the part of both spouses. We need to be ready, daily, to repent of our sin, one to another, to forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven us, so that we can be reconciled to one another. Indeed, Paul wrote that we who know Jesus Christ as Saviour, have been given the Ministry of Reconciliation. 2 Corinthians 5:17-21 17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. 18 All this is from God, who through Christ reconciled us to himself and gave us the ministry of reconciliation; 19 that is, in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. 20 Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, God making his appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. 21 For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. The message of reconciliation is the Gospel. The ministry of reconciliation is our proclamation, our witness to the Gospel in our daily lives. Our marriages, those most intimate of relationships, are to be a living testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the world around us. We are to model REPENTANCE, FORGIVENESS and RECONCILIATION to the world around us. How are you doing in your marriage? Is the Gospel being displayed in the way that you and your spouse exercise REPENTANCE, FORGIVENESS and RECONCILIATION? Finally, I would like to close this message by showing you a short clip of a conversation between three heavyweights among evangelical pastors and theologicans of our day, John Piper, D.A. Carson and Tim Keller. Their main point? The secret to the longevity of their marriages? The secret to how your marriage Page 14 of 15

can weather the storms and flourish? The secret is the covenant. The secret is that God intended for us to see our marriages as covenant relationships, husband and wife joined together as one-flesh in covenant relationship with Him. Page 15 of 15