Erev Rosh HaShanah 5773 Temple Chai Rabbi Jake Singer-Beilin The students at Hebrew Union College in Los Angeles, the Reform rabbinical seminary, lost a cherished teacher this past July. This teacher was not a rabbi, nor was he a professor of ancient Jewish text. He never led services for us, or delivered any sermons in our sanctuary. In fact, he wasn't even Jewish. Many of us had never met this man, and yet, his ideas influenced us profoundly. Stephen R. Covey was a business consultant, author, devout Mormon and a leadership authority. He died this past July. Rabbinic and education students alike spend a good part of a semester reading and discussing the ideas found in Covey's most famous book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. He was not Jewish, but for many Rabbis and Jewish educators, Covey's ideas shaped our self-image and influenced the way we serve the Jewish people on a daily basis. A number of us even spoke of him tongue-in-cheek as Rabbi Covey. Why, you may wonder, did a Mormon business consultant from Utah attain such a high status within a rabbinical school? The answer is that Torah can come from a variety of sources, even from the Self-Help section of the bookstore. In his book, Covey outlines 7 habits that can improve the ways in which we interact with people and the world around us. His suggestions pertain to business settings as much as they do to households and intimate relationships. My favorite habit, and the one that can guide us through these Yamim Nora'im, these days of awe, is habit number 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood principles of empathic communication. Covey argues that: Most people do not listen with the intent to understand, we listen with the intent to reply. When we are in a conversation with a family member, we are either speaking or preparing to speak. Rarely do we put great energy into listening and attempting to
comprehend the point that our loved one is trying to make. In doing so, we read our own biography into the lives of others, rather than letting their own personal experience guide our understanding. He calls on his readers to practice empathic listening. This is hard. It requires us to step outside of our own experiences, and step into the mind of the person with whom we are trying to communicate. It means going on a journey with someone, even if we don't agree with them and could easily dismiss their point. To listen with empathy does not mean that we abandon our position, or that we escape our own life experiences. We deserve to be understood just as much as our spouse, child, or parent. We can break this habit down into 5 easy steps: 1 1. Provide the speaker with your undivided attention. This is one time multi-tasking will get you in trouble. 2. Be non-judgemental. Don t minimize or trivialize the speaker's issue. 3. Read the speaker. Observe the emotions behind the words. Is the speaker angry, afraid, frustrated or resentful? Respond to the emotion as well as the words. 4. Be Quiet. Don t feel you must have an immediate reply. 5. Assure your understanding. Ask clarifying questions and restate what you perceive the speaker to be saying. What this habit teaches us is that my time to make a point, my chance argue for a position will come. However, it means giving the other person the respect and the attention that we so desperately desire for ourselves. To be an empathic listener means seeing as much value in the face across the table from us as we see when we look at the face in the mirror. I find great wisdom in this concept, I find profound Torah in this habit, and I find that I need constant reminding in order to do it. At its core is the belief that everyone, even the person 1 http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/5-tips-for-empathetic-listening.html
with whom we are arguing, even the individual with whom we fiercely disagree, is created B'tzelem Elohim, in the image of God. It calls to mind a story from the Talmud about the arch rivals, Hillel and Shammai. These two important Jewish scholars were always disagreeing with one another. One would declare an oven kosher, while the other would call it treif. One argued that you had to light holiday candles before you do kiddush, while the other was firmly of the opposite opinion, and each one believed he had God on his side. Both Hillel and Shammai were intelligent. Both read the Torah and spent as much time in the House of Study as his rival. But Hillel was the constant victor. The Talmud tells us: For three years there was a dispute between Beit Hillel and Beit Shammai, the former asserting, The law is in agreement with our views, and the latter contending, The law is in agreement with our views. Then a bat kol, a voice from heaven, announced, Eilu v eilu divrei Elohim Chayim, Both these and those are the words of the Living God, adding, but the law is in agreement with of Beit Hillel. Since both are the words of the Living God, what entitled Beit Hillel to have the law fixed according to their opinion? Because they were kindly and modest, they studied their own rulings and those of Beit Shammai, and were even so humble to mention the words of Beit Shammai before their own. 2 The law went according to the House of Hillel because they practiced empathic listening. They sought first to understand what Shammai was saying, then they made their own viewpoint heard. They gave respect to a position different from their own, but did not abandon their own stance. I wish we could all listen in the way that Hillel listened to Shammai. Imagine how we might argue differently if we all saw our opponents and their views as having a divine origin. 2 Babylonian Talmud, Eruvin 13b
On Friday morning, rabbis from across the Jewish and political spectrum were invited to join a High Holiday conference call with President Obama. With excitement and anticipation I woke up early and called in. The call did not begin on time, because President Obama's meeting with Olympic medal winners ran long. So I was on hold, listening to music, as I waited for the call to begin. To kill some time, I wrote this short post on Twitter, the social networking website, it read: I, along with 1000 other US rabbis, am on hold listening to music waiting for a conference call with President Obama. He must be working on Jewish Standard Time. I received an unkind response, from someone who wrote: "Why would you listen to him, can't you see what he has done?" She was telling me that there is no use listening to a person with whom you disagree. I thought to myself Is this really what we have come to? Can we really not think of a reason to listen carefully to someone who belongs to a different political party, who sees the world differently than we do? Her response saddened me, because it reminded me that all too often in political debate, and even in our day-to-day disagreements, we have forgotten how to listen. We have forgotten that even though we may not share the same political beliefs or theology, everyone deserves to be understood. How might we behave differently if we sought to find the holiness within the words of that candidate from the opposite political party? What would be the state of negotiations between Palestinians and Israelis if each side first had to find that spark of God within the face and the words of the other before stating their own position? What might arguments around the dinner table look like if we truly acknowledged that Eilu v'eilu divrei Elohim Chayim both these and those are the words of the living God? Empathic listening is certainly important when we are trying to prove a point in an argument, but it is equally important, and equally difficult when a loved one or a co-worker
comes to us with a problem and we deeply want to help them solve it. I am blessed to have rabbinic colleagues and friends all over the country. We constantly call, email, and Skype each other when we are working through an issue. We call each other because we want to bounce ideas off of one another, or receive validation that we are headed in the right direction. On more than one occasion, I have had a conversation that goes something like this: Rachel has an idea for a sermon. She tells me the text she is thinking about using, and the main points she wants to make. Before she can finish her thought, I, being a creative, well-read, and helpful rabbi begin thinking of other useful texts that she can use. I think about the connections she can make between biblical, medieval, and modern sources, and where these texts can lead her. I begin writing an outline of the sermon for her in my head. Rather than waiting for her to tell me how she wants her sermon to end, I start telling her where I would go with the sermon, the points I would make, and the examples I would use to illustrate my points. After I present my brilliant thoughts, I wait to hear her compliment me, to tell me how helpful I have been, to express her thanks for the fact that I just made her life so much easier. Instead, I hear her tell me: No, you're not listening, that's not the sermon I want to give. That's not the message I am trying to get across. You don't understand. I don't understand? How can this be? I just gave her rabbinic gold and she is throwing it out with yesterday's hummus! The problem, of course, is that I did not properly understand her vision before presenting my own. I began prescribing before I had the chance to adequately diagnose the issue. I was using my own biography to solve her problem rather than understanding the issue as she saw it. This desire to help is an admirable one, but it also makes it hard for us to practice empathic listening. Our mind starts thinking about solutions before we're are able to properly comprehend what is really getting in the way. In this way, Covey says, empathic listening is so powerful
because it gives us accurate data to work with. Only after I truly understand my rabbinic colleague and her vision can I then attempt to be understood. Then and only then can I give her advice that will allow her vision become a reality. We desperately want to be understood by others, but this is not a one-way street. Just as I wish to be understood and I deserve that kindness, so does the person across the table from me, or on the other end of the phone. We both deserve an empathic and listening ear a person who listens on all levels before formulating a response. Even though empathic listening can be broken down into 5 easy steps, the habit is not easy to form. It is difficult because it means breaking the bad listening habits that we have developed throughout our lives. However, tonight marks the beginning of a new year. Our Jewish calendar tells us that now is the time to form new and better habits. Rosh HaShanah gives us a new beginning, may we all use it to heed the words of a Mormon business consultant and author: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. L'Shanah Tovah U'Metukah