A Leadership Field Guide By Adam Seaman www.positiveleadership.com
Gratitude
Nikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self- Reflection For cultivating our capacity for Gratitude, I strongly recommend this wonderful, little book by Gregg Krech, Nikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection. Practicing Gratitude could seem abstract, but the practice Krech describes is simple, practical, and potentially profound. Essentially, the practice of Nikan focuses on answering 3 questions. This can be done any time, but he recommends committing to a 1-week experiment done before going to bed. Reflecting on your day, answer the following: 1. What have I received? 2. What have I given? 3. What troubles/difficulties have I caused? These simple questions, especially when regularly practiced, can greatly increase our capacity for Gratitude. It causes us to experience all four Gateways to Gratitude: Presence, Observance, Recognition and Expression. 3
Nikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self- Reflection (Part II) In addition to the daily practice of asking the 3 Nikan questions, Krech recommends several other practices for cultivating Gratitude. - Spend 1 hour reflecting on the past year of your life. What are the most important things you received in the past year? Who made those gifts possible? - Next time you receive great service from a restaurant (or other business), call them later to thank them, telling them what you liked and how it was helpful to you. - Choose an accomplishment of which you are proud. Using the accomplishment as a focus point, spend an 30 minutes reflecting on the contributions from others that made that accomplishment possible. - Throughout the day, notice the objects that support you in your daily life and keep a list. Consider what must have gone into making those objects possible: who created them, how they were distributed, what provided you the means to have or come into contact with them? - Select one key relationship in your life (parent, friend, partner, etc.). Explore the history of that relationship in its various stages. For each stage respond to the 3 Nikan questions: What did I receive? What did I provide? What difficulties did I create? 4
Gratitude Letter This is perhaps an obvious exercise, but one that so many of us neglect. When was the last time you received good mail in your mailbox? You know what I mean by good mail, something that was written to you by someone else for purposes other than business. For this exercise, consider someone to whom you genuinely feel grateful but may not have expressed those feelings. Handwrite a letter to that person thanking them. I have also heard of others taking it a step further to very powerful affect. Instead of mailing the letter, visit the person and read the letter to him or her directly. In fact, let me just provide you with the best instructions I ve seen for this exercise. It s described by Martin Seligman, the father of Positive Psychology, from his book Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being: Close your eyes. Call up the face of someone still alive who years ago did something or said something that changed your life for the better. Someone who you never properly thanked; someone you could meet face-to-face next week. Got a face? Gratitude can make your life happier and more satisfying. When we feel gratitude, we benefit from the pleasant memory of a positive event in our life. Also, when we express our gratitude to others, we strengthen our relationship with them. But sometimes our thank you is said so casually or quickly that it is nearly meaningless. In this exercise you will have the opportunity to experience what it is like to express your gratitude in a thoughtful, purposeful manner. Your task is to write a letter of gratitude to this individual and deliver it in person. The letter should be concrete and about three hundred words: be specific about what she did for you and how it affected your life. Let her know what you are doing now, and mention how you often remember what she did. Make it sing! Once you have written the testimonial, call the person and tell her you d like to visit her, but be vague about the purpose of the meeting; this exercise is much more fun when it is a surprise. When you meet her, take your time reading your letter. 5
Public Acknowledgement Only one in five employees believe their boss at work has ever publicly recognized them. Fewer than half of employees report even receiving one personal thank you from their boss. Consider the people with whom you work that deserve your gratitude and develop a plan to express that gratitude more regularly. For example, weave into regular meetings a moment to acknowledge someone who has contributed to the team s success. You obviously don t have to do so at every meeting. In fact, that might be seen as less authentic if people perceive it to be a standard protocol. Do, however, consider ways to weave in messages of Gratitude more frequently. For example, any time you begin a speech or public address, consider who is deserving of recognition and thank them in front of others. Another avenue for public acknowledgement could be other forms of organizational communication such as a newsletter. 6
Easy Ways to say Thanks In her article in Entrepreneur magazine, writer Margaret Littman lists 18 ways to say thanks. These may or may not be feasible, but they can at least get some ideas flowing. For your consideration, some of these include: Give in a person s name to a charity or cause that he or she cares about. Upgrade the coffee, or other office perk, to express appreciation for a job well done. It could be doing something nice for everyone on a specific person s behalf, or for the entire team in general. Offer personal time off to someone who has gone above and beyond. For example, one manager bought a gift certificate to a salon for an employee who put in extra effort. Make life easier for people. For example, offer on-site dry cleaning drop-off and pick-up or other services that can save people time. Communicate gratitude up the chain of command. Few things make people feel appreciated than for their boss to let those higher up in the organization know of their efforts. 7
Watch this Here s a great TED talk on Gratitude. In the chapter, we mention this speaker, Brother David Steindl-Rast. http://www.ted.com/talks/david_steindl_rast_want_to_be_happy_be_grateful Or, if you would like to explore an online mini-course in Gratitude created by Brother David Steindle-Rast, I recommend checking out Gratefulness Step-by-Step: http://www.gratefulness.org/readings/step-by-step_index.htm 8
Listen to this One of my very favorite things in this past year has been the discovery of Tara Brach s podcast. She combines her training as psychologist with her life experiences as a meditation/mindfulness practitioner in the Buddhist tradition. Combined, these backgrounds help make mindfulness of Eastern traditions more relevant to Western listeners. She is a gentle and engaging communicator and her library of podcasts is vast (which is an understatement). I love her humorous and touching anecdotes. She is a real gem, and I would even use the term national treasure. You can visit her website, http://www.tarabrach.com, or if you have a podcast app on your smartphone/tablet, just search for her name in there. 9
When an apology is necessary In the Gratitude chapter, we discussed the function of Gratitude as repair. When we care about something, and it falls into disrepair, we can show our Gratitude by seeking to make amends. We see many examples of faux apologies in the media (i.e. I m sorry if you misunderstood what I was trying to say. ) The truth is that we have a pretty finetuned ability to detect true contrition and we have the capacity to respond appropriately to it. In order to apologize, we must overcome several hurdles: pride ( We were both at fault, why should I be the one to give in? or, I don t want to appear weak. ), justifications ( I had my reasons ), and practicalities ( So much time has passed. It would be awkward to bring it back up. ) The truth is that a warranted apology is a magnificent expression of Gratitude. Psychology Today provides 4 Ways to Deliver the Perfect Apology. 1. Your apology should be sincere. 2. Your apology should be about the other person not you. 3. Be humble when you apologize. 4. Frame your apology in terms of your overall goals for the relationship. If there is someone to whom you know deserves an apology, maybe this will be the boost you need to make a move. 10
In the wake of crisis Gratitude can increase our resilience. Dr. Robert Emmons, one of the world s leading researchers on Gratitude claims that it builds up a sort of psychological immune system that can cushion us when we fall. There is scientific evidence that grateful people are more resilient to stress, whether minor hassles or major personal upheavals. Emmons proposes a series of questions to help people recover from difficult experiences. This can apply in personal life or in a workplace setting: - What lesson(s) did the experience teach us? - Can we find ways to be thankful for what happened to us now, even though we were not at the time it happened? - What ability did the experience draw out of us that surprised us? - Are there ways we have become better because of it? - Has the experienced removed an obstacle that previously prevented us from feeling grateful? The idea is not to blindly ignore negative experiences, but rather to mine those experiences for potential benefits. In other words, we can consider problems as an investment we made and use Gratitude as a way to maximize our return on that investment. 11
Journaling for Gratitude You may already have come across the idea of keeping a Gratitude journal. If not, it may be a great way to cultivate your capacity for feeling grateful. The benefits are numerous and scientifically established. Among them are: improve physical health, improved psychological well-being, opens the door to more/better relationships, increases empathy and reduces aggression, better sleep, and improved self-esteem. The Naikan process mentioned earlier can be a great format for your journal. Or, it can just be a free-form writing of things for which you feel grateful. It can be a running list that you keep somewhere on your smartphone or on an app like Evernote. A Gratitude journal can be online. For example, I have a former college professor who writes a message expressing thanks for one thing every day. Or it can something like creating a Pinterest board of the things for which you are grateful. In other words, there are more modes available to you than ever before to provide you with the perfect means to actively practice Gratitude in ways that fit your interests and lifestyle. 12
Take a Gratitude Quiz This website provides a wonderful self-assessment for Gratitude. The questions it asks provides great prompts for reflecting on Gratitude and can even be used as topics for your Gratitude journal. You can find the quiz here: http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/quizzes/take_quiz/6/ 13
Monday morning Gratitude Email Many of us find it hard to get going on Mondays. What if the first thing you do on a Monday morning is write 1 email of heartfelt Gratitude to someone? This would be a great way to get at least 2 people off to a great start for the week: you and the recipient. Just go to your calendar and make it a 10-minute standing appointment for the next 10 weeks. That s just 10 emails. After the 10 weeks, evaluate if it is a practice you would like to continue doing. 14
Appreciative Inquiry Appreciative Inquiry is an approach to organizational change proposed in the mid-1980 s and has consistently gained support over the years. It was developed by David Cooperider and Suresh Srivastva at Case Western Reserve University. The basic idea is that communities are shaped by the type of conversations that happen in an organization and that the conversations are shaped by the types of questions that are asked. When the questions and conversations focus on what is wrong and what is not wanted, it makes people focus on an inadequate present. When the conversations and questions focus on what is going right and what is desired, it draws people toward a more positive future. Appreciative Inquiry employs a 4-stage model to guide questions and conversation toward the positive. This approach can be used for personal goal planning, improving relationships and shaping organizations and communities. 1. Discover: Identify the aspects that are currently working well. 2. Dream: Articulate a vision of what would work well in the future. 3. Design: Plan and prioritize the things that would be necessary to support that vision in the future. 4. Deploy: Implement the proposed plan and priorities in order to create the desired reality. The idea is not to ignore the negative. Appreciative Inquiry provides a different lens through which to approach conversations about the future. Think about a challenge you are currently facing and work through the four stages. Keep in mind that this is a very short explanation of Appreciative Inquiry. If you want to explore it further, there is a rich body of literature to support this approach. 15
Further Reading Naikan: Gratitude, Grace and the Japanese Art of Self Reflection by Gregg Krech The Psychology of Gratitude by Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough Thanks! How the New Science of Gratitude can Make You Happier by Robert Emmons The Thin Book of Appreciative Inquiry by Sue Annis Hammond 16