Davidson College Presbyterian Church Davidson, North Carolina The Rev. Robert M. Alexander 2 Samuel 18, Ephesians 4:31-5:2 The Road through Grief August 12, 2012 Author and poet, Ann Weems, in the introduction to her book of poems titled Psalms of Lament, talks about her own loss. Her son, less than an hour after his 21 st birthday, was killed. After that experience on August 14, 1982 almost 30 years ago - she slipped into a deep depression and remained there, unable to write until a colleague suggested that she begin to write some lament psalms. He encouraged her to do what many had done before her what King David had in fact done - which was to march before the throne of God and cry out her pain to the Lord. In her book she writes, I went for a long period of time when I did not write. Then I would find myself before God with tears streaming down my face, and another psalm would be (written and) thrown into the drawer. (p. xvi) An image often came to her in the quiet times: Jesus weeping. She writes: Jesus wept. And in his weeping, He joined himself forever To those who mourn. He stands now throughout all time, This Jesus weeping, With his arms about the weeping ones: Blessed are those who mourn, For they shall be comforted. He stands with the mourners, For his name is God-with-us. Jesus wept. In our story from 2 Samuel we discover a grieving father who has lost his son. David s life and family had slowly unraveled from the time of his sin with Bathsheba until now. His son, Absalom, who had been driven away by David s own bitterness and anger, was now gone, and David wished that he could take his place. Why me? is certainly a natural question to ask when faced with suffering and death. In the case of King David, most scholars agree that the reasons behind his pain are fairly obvious. They are traced back down a long line of decisions that took him farther and farther away from the man that God had created him to be. But scripture teaches us that sin and death are only part of a long line of human brokenness. In the beginning that is the beginning of creation - everything was very good but somewhere along the way that goodness was compromised by sin, by disobedience, by the hu-
man inclination to take matters into our own hands and that created a kind of brokenness in the world a brokenness in humanity. The results of that brokenness are the pain, and suffering, and death that we experience in this life. God s good gifts abound, but they are accompanied by the consequences of a sinful and broken world. And brokenness leads to loss and that leads to grief. The reality is that there is a lot of suffering in our world and often times it seems very unfair. Chuck Meyer, in responding to his teenage daughter s concern about this, writes, Life is unfair. There s nothing fair about it. As you know well from living in our family, bad things happen to good people. Mom did nothing to deserve the leukemia and our friend Bernadette did nothing to deserve the breast cancer that killed her we get a lot of undeserved suffering in our lives, and ultimately that suffering will end in our death. But the opposite is also true. We get a tremendous amount of undeserved joy as well. We didn t deserve to end up as a family together we didn t deserve to be able to love and support one another through life s struggles. You didn t deserve to get a healthy, athletic body with good teeth and hair and a face like an angel. So it s true life is not fair but it is equally unfair in both directions, in the direction of joy and the direction of sorrow. But when someone is crying out over some loss in their lives this is little consolation. In fact, it can seem cruel and uncaring to say such things. And it also does little good to say, Cheer up! Everything is going to be alright. That ignores the reality of the pain that one is experiencing. That ignores the burden of grief that can weigh a person down. So how did David get through his grief? No one seemed to be there for him that day. His army commander, Joab, certainly didn t seem to care about what he was dealing with. As a matter of fact, in the next chapter, he called him to task and said that if he didn t get up and help his people feel better about the fact that they had won the battle, he was going to lose their respect and their vote! We don t know how David got through it but we know that he eventually found himself before God s throne pouring his heart out. King David the Father David - didn t receive much help from his peers the day that his son Absalom died, but he did manage, over the years, to work through his own grief and pain. He was eventually able to call upon God and in the process penned some beautiful prayers - psalms that pointed beyond his own pain and despair to the hope that we all have because of God s steadfast love and grace. Perhaps David blamed God at one point along the way, but in the end, he found peace and solace in the promise of God s presence and grace. Many scholars think that Psalm 130, on which our opening call to worship was based, was one such psalm. The words of hope expressed there echo the familiar words from Lamentations, the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases God s mercies never come to an end they are new every morning great is thy faithfulness O Lord.
We all experience and get through grief in our own ways. Sure there are the classic stages shock, denial, anger, depression but all of us walk that road differently. Anne Lamott describes it this way. She writes, Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day at numbness, silence. Grief leaves us spinning with a jumble of emotions inside. Those who have gone before us would encourage us to find a way to let that out. David, Moses, Job, Ann Weems, Anne Lamott, Eric Clapton - poets and song writers - teach us what it looks like to find our way to God s throne and pour out our hearts in sadness, in anger, in frustration, in doubt, in fear, and confusion. And it is in the honest expression of our deepest emotions and thoughts that God comes to us and calls us back to where we need to be. And even though each person has to find their own way along that journey, it never hurts to know that we are not alone. I can t tell you how to grieve, but I can walk with you along the path. I can t take away your pain, but I can share your burden. That is what we are called to do in this community of faith called the church! In Paul s letter to the church in Ephesus, he encouraged the community to be tenderhearted with one another imitating God as people who are full of love and willing to make sacrifices for the sake of one another. My experience is that when someone we love is dealing with grief, we often want to help in some way but we don t always know how. Sometimes our help is appropriate and welcome while other times it causes more harm than good. Shel Silverstein, in his poem Helping, wrote that Some kind of help is the kind of help that helping s all about And some kind of help is the kind of help we all can do without. Words about God s will or a hearty Cheer up God is with you! are of little comfort when one is feeling lost and alone. Instead, scripture invites us to weep with one another and to walk with one another through our moments of grief. So often when there is grief we search for answers. We try to make sense of the pain that someone else is experiencing when what is most needed is for us to simply practice the same kind of God-with-us incarnational ministry that Jesus lived. Simply being present with someone without words without explanation without answers is the most helpful thing. But it is also hard. We are not always comfortable with silence. (PAUSE) One woman, reflecting back over the time after her mother died, wrote, I don t remember anything (anyone) said, only their presence and their prayers. Someone else wrote, When people came and were just present for me, they were a gift. I felt love, compassion, and acceptance of the fact that I preferred silence over small talk. I was able to be lost in my own thoughts, yet not alone. They helped make a sad time a little more bearable.
Unfortunately, when people are uncomfortable with the silence and they don t know what to say, they sometimes simply stay away. When this happens the person who is hurting is not able to sense the love and compassion that we may feel. It may require us to step out of our comfort zone in order to be the presence of God for someone who is grieving. It is better to show up and to say, I don t know what to say than not to show up at all. The church can be at its best when someone is grieving. We make casseroles and we send cards and we offer prayers. But after the shock has worn off we think life should get back to the way that it always was. The reality is, however, for the person who has experienced loss, life will not be the same. It is important for us to remember to stick around and to continue to be that loving presence for one another. We can continue to ask others how things have been going and we can find creative ways to offer support without placing the burden on the person to find something for us to do. I have a bad habit of telling others let me know how I can help or offer support. Well that is a cop out! If I want to offer support I should just do it! Wash a car, mow the grass, take some cookies, give a gift card, write a poem, make a mixed CD, something! But I shouldn t put it on their shoulders to give me something to do. They don t need anything else to worry about. People all walk through grief in different ways. Maybe, just maybe, we can find a way to walk through it together, trusting that God is with us each step of the way. And when someone has a hard time believing in and seeing the presence of God for themselves, we become that for one another because God is at work in you and in me! I want to close with a poem from Ann Weems book. There are 50 different Psalms of Lament collected from those poems placed in her desk drawer over the years. I would like to read Psalm 29 I like it because it talks about a weeping willow an image that I used in a song I wrote once when I was grieving. Maybe it will speak to you in your sadness. Night after night I collect my tears And send them to you, O God. Night after night I come before you, Tear-stained. Have mercy on me. Hear my weeping And turn your heart to me. I weep for what was And will never be again. I weep for a future That is no longer possible. I weep because I love. Like a willow On the bank of a river,
I m bent From the weight of my tears. They flood my world, And there is no stopping Their force. Save me, O God, from drowning! O God, Have you covered your ears To my weeping? Have you covered your eyes So you won t see me Going under? Have you forgotten me Night after night? Didn t you hear your son Weeping over Jerusalem? Didn t you count his tears When Lazarus died? Didn t you see How deeply moved he was When Mary wept? O God, acknowledge me, For night after night I collect me tears And send them to you. I trust in you, O God, For your hand Can divide the waters, Or gently wipe the tears Of the grieving ones. I trust in you, O God, Day after day. To God Be the Glory! Amen.
Ann Weems, Psalms of Lament (Westminster John Knox, Louisville), p. xvi Chuck Meyer, Twelve Smooth Stones (Northstone, Kelowna, BC Canada), p. 85-86 Anne Lamott, Traveling Mercies (Anchor Books, New York), p. 70 Kenneth C. Haugk, Don t Sing Songs to a Heavy Heart (Stephen Ministries, St. Louis), p. 50 Ann Weems, Psalms of Lament (Westminster John Knox, Louisville), p. 55-56