NOTICE You are welcome to distribute this ebook in any way you like, either as a bonus or a free giveaway, or simply to family, friends, and associates, but you may not charge anyone for the privilege. This is my gift to all those interested in relationships and meditation. 2
Dear Meditator, Welcome to our family of spiritual seekers, and thank you for walking with us on the path to inner peace. I hope you enjoy the Mastering Relationships with Mindfulness ebook, and that it helps transform your relationship. Feel free to share this ebook with friends and loved ones who you think will also enjoy it. Our mission a the Mindfulness Meditation Institute is to help you realize your full potential as a human and spiritual being, so you find the true happiness and fulfillment you ve been searching for your whole life. We look forward to helping you achieve this goal for you and your loved ones. Best wishes for success! Charles Francis P.S. Don't forget to check out our free writing meditations. These powerful meditations can change a lifetime of habits in just a few days. You can download them at: http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/resources/ 3
Table of Contents Mastering Relationships with Mindfulness...5 Introduction...5 Why Are Relationships So Confusing?...6 Are All Relationships the Same?...6 How Do Relationships Work?...7 The Struggle for Power...10 How My Life Changed...14 How Can I Learn to Have Healthy Relationships?...17 Mindfulness Meditation Resources...19 Available Now...19 Coming Soon...19 Free Writing Meditations...21 About the Author...22 About the Mindfulness Meditation Institute...22 4
Mastering Relationships with Mindfulness Introduction A re you sometimes confused about how to deal with other people? If so, then you're not alone. I remember a time when I didn't even have a clue. I was shy, insecure and needy. I was totally confused about relationships and always gravitated toward people who took advantage of me. It wasn't until I began to understand the true nature of relationships that I started to attract healthier people, and to feel connected with the rest of the world. One day, a friend of mine said to me, I have so much love in my heart. Why can't I find someone to share it with? I responded to her by saying, Well, if you have so much love in your heart, why don't you share it with everyone you come in contact with? Why do you need a man to share it with? She looked at me like I had two heads, and one of them wasn't human. I could actually relate to her amazement at my response. A few years ago I would have reacted the same way; that is, before I understood what love is and how relationships work. Most of us spend our whole lives trying to figure out how relationships work, but with limited success. What usually happens is that as we get older, we develop our own philosophy or theory about relationships then chisel it into our brains without ever questioning it again. And if someone offers us a new perspective, we often dismiss it as irrelevant. This is what psychologists call cognitive 5
dissonance. Since we don't fully understand how relationships work, we have a difficult time figuring out how to fix them. Why Are Relationships So Confusing? The main reason we don't understand relationships is because we don't understand what love really is. If you ask ten people to define love, you will probably get ten different answers. Most people will define it along the lines of a feeling or an action. These are actually manifestations of love, but not love itself. So we end up looking for answers in the wrong places. We often spend our whole lives chasing a feeling in order to satisfy the ego, and by ego I am referring to what Freud defined as our sense of self. The ego will usually lead us down the wrong path because its main objective is its own survival. When we begin to awaken our true nature and see our connectedness with other people, we begin to see that the ego is actually an illusion of a separate self. And as long as we continue to see ourselves as individuals, we will struggle with relationships. In fact, this is the main source of loneliness. Are All Relationships the Same? Sure, not all relationships are the same, but the underlying principles are. We usually perceive relationships as fundamentally different because of the context, but more specifically, the emotions or meaning that we attach to them. However, if you remove sex from our relationships, they are very similar. We engage in all different kinds of relationships for pretty much the same reasons to gain a 6
sense of comfort, security, and well-being; that is, to be loved. And these are the same things we feel when we are spiritually connected. We also use different terms to describe how we feel in various relationships, such as friendship, camaraderie, or love. We may say things like I love you, but I'm not in love with you, or I need you. These are mainly a matter of degree and terminology, but the underlying component is the same the need for comfort, security, and well-being. So if we want to understand how relationships work, we need to look at them differently, and at a deeper level. There are two things we must understand: What love really is, and Our interconnectedness with other people. This will enable us to understand the driving force behind relationships and how they determine our interactions with other people. By understanding these basic principles, we can learn to have healthier relationships with all people. How Do Relationships Work? When I was in my mid-30s, I had a profound spiritual experience and suddenly the whole world looked completely different, especially my interactions with other people. I could now see and feel these surges of energy flowing between myself and others as a reaction to the things we said to each other. I began to pay closer attention to when I felt uplifted and when I felt drained. 7
I remember at times when I walked into a room, I would often feel a jolt. I either felt a great deal of joy, or a great deal of pain and suffering. It was like entering a room where the temperature was much different than the room I came from. This is when I began to realize that there was much more to human interactions than just dialogue. I realized that there was almost always a power struggle going on, and the power we were struggling for was real. Sometimes I could see the streams of energy flowing from another person to myself, and at other times I could see it going in their direction, as if they were draining me. When it came in my direction, I felt a sense of love and comfort. When it left me, I felt weakened. Since at the time I was so highly charged spiritually, the drain didn't affect me very much. But before the experience, I felt emotions, such as fear, anger, or insecurity. I began experimenting with this by trying to see what would happen to people if I purposely sent them a surge of energy. On one occasion, I was at a gathering of friends and this one lady began talking about her difficulty in dealing with some problems in her life and how things seemed hopeless. So what I did was close my eyes and tried to raise my own energy, then I quickly sent her a burst. To my amazement, her demeanor changed instantly. Suddenly, she was optimistic and hopeful that her situation was going to get better. At first, I thought it was just a coincidence, so I tried it several more times with different people, and the result was the same. 8
I soon realized that this spiritual energy was love, and it was the driving force behind all human relationships and interactions. We can share it freely, steal it, extort it, or convince other people to hand it over to us willingly. The hard part is trying to acquire more of it when we have been drained. Then we turn around and use the same tactics that others used on us and so you have the power struggle. The reason I engaged in power struggles was because I didn't yet fully understand how to tap into the Ultimate source of energy. After some of the effects of my spiritual experience wore off, I had to learn how to replenish my spiritual energy without draining others. That is where the practice of mindfulness meditation came in. Through proper meditation techniques I was able to bring my energy back up and share it freely with everyone I came in contact with, by opening my heart to them. Something really amazing happened when I remained open to everyone I encountered. When they felt the spiritual energy coming from me, they freely shared theirs with me. Now that I understand how human relationships work, I have a tremendous peace of mind and I can use that knowledge to everyone's benefit. Right around the same time I had my spiritual experience and began to see relationships as exchanges of energy, James Redfield's books (The Celestine Prophecy, The Tenth Insight, etc.) were very popular. One day, I was at a bookstore, and I noticed another of his books, The Celestine Prophecy: An 9
Experiential Guide. I looked at the table of contents and a couple of chapters caught my attention. One was called A Matter of Energy and the other The Struggle for Power. I read a little of each chapter while at the bookstore, and was amazed that Redfield was describing exactly what I was seeing for myself. I was truly amazed because I realized that I was obviously on the right track. As I gained more experience with this new approach to dealing with relationships, and learned the practice of mindfulness meditation, it became apparent that the two systems worked very well together. In order to have better relationships with people, I needed to be able to send them more spiritual energy, and the mindfulness meditation helped me tap into the Ultimate source directly. This way, it was no longer necessary to drain other people of their energy, and therefore, no need to engage in power struggles. It helped me to be in the present moment and pay full attention to every person I encountered, so I could make a deeper connection with them, which also helped energize me tremendously. The Struggle for Power The idea that in our relationships we engage in some form of competition is not new. Most psychologists would characterize relationships as complex struggles for power. In fact, there is a whole branch of psychology that deals with the subject in what is called transactional analysis. This model was developed in the 1960s by Canadian psychologist Dr. Eric Berne. In his model, he describes various ways in which we manipulate other people so that we gain their 10
attention. Redfield rightly observed a fundamental principle of all human interactions: the reason we vie for other people's attention is because the energy goes where the attention goes. Most of us don't have to look far to see that we are always trying to get people's attention. We want them to listen to us and see our point of view. Getting attention is something we learned when we were children. We intuitively figured out which behaviors got our parents' attention, and these behaviors became deeply ingrained in our psyche as we grew up. Redfield goes on to classify these behaviors into four main categories, which are actually two matching pairs. He calls them control dramas. They are the Intimidator/Poor Me, and the Interrogator/Aloof. They are essentially opposites that attract each other because each one knows how to manipulate the other to gain the others' attention. Most of us predominantly use one of these four control dramas to deal with other people, though we can use any of them depending on what circumstances may dictate. Furthermore, we use them to varying degrees. As I mentioned above, the spiritual energy goes where the attention goes. Intimidators draw attention by creating a tense atmosphere around themselves. They do this with physical strength, loudness, and the threat of a violent outburst. Intimidators are usually authoritarian, inflexible, and sarcastic. They like to be the center of attention and try to take control of situations. They very often take on leadership positions in organizations because of their ability to 11
control or dominate others. The Poor Me is the exact opposite of the Intimidator. They are usually passive, and prefer to follow than to lead. They are pessimistic and often see themselves as helpless victims and as having no control over their lives. They consider themselves to be very sensitive, but it is usually egocentric. They manipulate others and draw attention to themselves by creating an atmosphere where others are afraid to say or do anything that the Poor Me will not be able to handle. Their behavior is characterized by worried facial expressions, sighing, trembling, crying, and staring into the distance. They are continually drawn to the Intimidator because they know how to manipulate them into feeling guilty for abusing them. Interrogators, as the name implies, draw attention to themselves by questioning the actions of others. They are usually skeptical, cynical, sarcastic, perfectionistic and self-righteous. They initially gain the attention of others through their wit, infallible logic, and intellect. When they find a victim, they'll throw a barrage of questions at them without giving them a chance to answer, making them look foolish and guilty of some wrongdoing. Any answers given will usually be used against their victim at some point in the future. Interrogators are hyper-vigilant of others' actions and quick to criticize. The Aloof is the matching control drama of the Interrogator. Aloofs are usually quiet, reserved, and distant. Aloofs draw attention to themselves by appearing mysterious and independent. They try to avoid engaging others for fear of being 12
controlled or having their actions questioned or criticized. They usually need a lot of space and avoid being pinned down by commitments. Their victim is the Interrogator. The Aloof throws the Interrogator off balance by giving short and ambiguous answers to their questions, frustrating the Interrogator. These behavior patterns are developed at a very early age. A parent who is an Intimidator will usually have a Poor Me as a spouse, and create a Poor Me child. Often, they will make another Intimidator out of their oldest child, and these two will usually have a tumultuous relationship. The Poor Me parent will usually get along best with the Intimidator child. If the parents are a combination of an Interrogator and an Aloof, their children will be also, and the opposites will always get along better than the like kinds. Do any of these control dramas sound familiar? They should because we all engage in them to some degree. Those who are more evolved spiritually are able to avoid them and have more fulfilling relationships. So, how do we let go of our control dramas? Before I answer this question, let me answer the question: Why do we want to let go of our control dramas? The answer is quite simple: because the spiritual energy we gain is very limited, and it is at the expense of others. And the way we let go of them is to find an alternate and more abundant source of energy. This is actually the goal of most major religions. The major religions are very similar in their approach to raising your spiritual 13
energy. They have three main sources. They are: 1) The practice of spiritual principles. These are universal principles for tapping directly into the Ultimate Source of spiritual energy. 2) Engaging the spiritual support group. By actively participating in our support group, we freely share spiritual energy with each other. This is much healthier than manipulating it out of others. 3) Prayer and meditation. We can connect to the Ultimate Source of spiritual energy through meditation and re-energize ourselves. Prayer allows us to direct that energy to heal ourselves and others. How My Life Changed I grew up to be an Aloof. In my case, my parents were an Intimidator/Poor Me pair. The reason I became an Aloof was because I lived with my grandparents for several years when I was very young, and they were an Interrogator/Aloof pair. Also, my parents divorced when I was young. My mom, who took custody of me and my three sisters, did not have time to supervise us since she was working all the time. Therefore, I had little accountability to anyone. As a young adult, I always attracted Interrogators, either as friends or in intimate relationships. They knew how to manipulate me, and I knew how to manipulate them. Ever since I overcame my control drama, people are no longer able to hurt me, at least not emotionally, because I am more reliant on the Ultimate source of spiritual energy, than on individual people. In other words, instead of my trying to get other people to love me, I practice giving them love without expecting 14
anything in return. There's an old saying: If you don't have any expectations, you'll never be disappointed. This applies even in more intimate relationships with loved ones. I can set healthy boundaries with people, and at the same time remain open to them. There will always be some people who are not completely trustworthy, but that doesn't mean they can't be a source of strength. They might succeed in stealing all my worldly belongings, but they can't steal all my spiritual strength. As a matter of fact, they wouldn't know how. Here are some of the other benefits I ve achieved: I rarely get angry at people, even in very difficult situations. And if I do, it is only for a brief moment because I notice my reaction immediately, and I stop feeding into the anger. It then passes very quickly. My relationships are no longer full of turmoil, because I no longer need the drama. I no longer get lonely, because I can easily make a deep spiritual connection with most people. My emotions are no longer out of control. Since my spiritual energy is usually pretty high, I almost always feel a sense of peace and well-being. I am no longer manipulated by other people, because I can see right through them and see what they're trying to do. I also don't feel the need to prove anything to them. I rarely experience fear. Since I usually feel a sense of peace and wellbeing, there's no room for fear to set in. 15
Relationships are no longer painful, at least not for me. I also learned to enjoy other people's company, even strangers. Wherever I go like the post office, the grocery store, Walmart, etc. - I encounter people. Whenever possible, I ll engage them in friendly conversation because each time I do, I make a connection with them and we exchange spiritual energy. In the past, I always found something wrong with other people. Eventually, I ended up without any friends. Will it fix my relationships? This approach to dealing with other people will not necessarily fix all your relationships, but it will fix you and enable you to deal with them in a healthier manner. You will no longer get caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, and other people will no longer be able to hurt you. This may heal some relationships, but not all. It requires both parties to overcome their control dramas to make a healthy relationship. It will certainly put pressure on the other person to either grow or go', because by you becoming stronger spiritually, the other person's attempt to manipulate you will no longer work. There are some relationships that can't be fixed. I realize that there are some relationships that are not very likely to be repaired. Some people I have to deal with are not going to like me no matter what I do. However, that doesn't mean that I can't deal with that person better. In fact, the reason they usually don't like me is because I don't allow them to rob me of my spiritual energy. I had a roommate one time that tried to bully me into following unreasonable 16
rules he set in the house, for which he had no authority in doing so. Essentially, he was trying to throw me off balance by trying to instill fear in me. I passively resisted every step of the way, which ended up throwing him off balance. I remained centered the whole time. Is it difficult to learn? Learning how to improve your relationships is fairly easy. I can teach almost anyone in just a few days. The most important thing is to remain open-minded to a different way of looking at relationships. Once you understand the basic principles of the flows of energy, you will see for yourself how it works. You will no longer be baffled by people's behavior. You will understand their motivations. It's really all about spiritual energy. Even though we may not understand how it works, we intuitively learn which behaviors make us feel better. Unfortunately, these behaviors usually weaken the people with whom we interact, including loved ones. Will it work for me? This approach works for anyone because these are the basic principles of human interactions. Once you understand them, you can begin applying them to your everyday life. How Can I Learn to Have Healthy Relationships? So now that you have a basic understanding of what love is and how relationships work, I m sure you want to know how you can learn this practice as quickly as possible. In order to make the fastest progress toward overcoming your control drama requires a solid foundation of the mindfulness meditation 17
practice, a close examination of your own control dramas, and then developing the tools necessary for daily practice of this approach to dealing with people. This can be done in a 10-day retreat. However, I was concerned that not everyone would be able to afford such a long retreat, so I condensed all the teachings into a 5-day retreat. Those who attend the 5-day retreat can also benefit from the teachings on mindfulness meditation and relationships. The practice will empower you and enable you to take charge of your life. Remember that I was once very shy, insecure, and needy. I was completely confused about relationships, and therefore, got caught up in relationships that brought me more pain and suffering than I could stand. But through the practice of mindfulness meditation, I was able to see for myself the underlying principles that govern all relationships. The mindfulness meditation practice has made an enormous difference in my life. Now I am outgoing, confident, and very stable emotionally. I have a wonderful time with other people, including strangers, because I no longer try to engage them in a power struggle. Wouldn't you like to have this for you and your loved ones? Best wishes for you and your family! Charles Francis 18
Mindfulness Meditation Resources Available Now Quick Start to Mindfulness Meditation. This life-changing CD is designed to give you a head start in the practice so you can begin your journey to inner peace. It gives you basic instructions of the mindfulness meditation techniques, and then shows you how to implement them through a series of guided meditations. http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/quick-start-to-mindfulness-meditation/ Coming Soon How to Meditate for Beginners: Transform Your Life With Mindfulness Meditation in 12 Easy Steps. This book is the definitive guide to personal transformation and inner peace through mindfulness meditation. It will guide you through the learning process step-by-step, and includes a series of exercises that will give you a solid foundation of the practice. It then shows you how to apply mindfulness to all areas of your life, especially relationships. http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/ The Path to Inner Peace Retreat: Personal transformation through mindfulness meditation. The mindfulness meditation retreat is by far the most powerful tool for advancing your spiritual development. You can make years worth of progress in just a matter of days. The tremendous amount of mindfulness energy that is harnessed at a retreat will take your spirituality to a whole new level. http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/mindfulness-retreats/ 19
Mastering Relationships with Mindfulness Retreat: Unleash the power of mindfulness to transform your relationships. In this powerful retreat you'll learn the basic principles behind all human interactions, and you'll get a solid foundation of the mindfulness meditation practice. The result will be your ability to heal and transform your relationships with loved ones, and more rewarding relationships with friends and colleagues. http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/mindfulness-retreats/ 20
Free Writing Meditations Change a lifetime of habits in less than a week with these powerful writing meditations. This simple exercise can be done in just 15 minutes a day. Simply copy the them by hand in a notebook or journal, every day for about 15-20 minutes. Any time of the day is fine. After a few days, you ll notice how your thinking and behavior are changing without any conscious effort. Healing, relationship, and sociability: The loving-kindness writing meditation will help you heal the wounds from your past by changing your attitudes about other people. It will help you become more understanding and forgiving of other people for their transgressions. The meditation will also help you become more sociable and outgoing. Weight loss and smoking cessation: The mindful consumption meditation will help you overcome stubborn habits such as smoking and overeating. It does this by helping you become more mindful of the things you put into your body, and by giving you the inner strength to let go of nutrients and substances that aren t serving you well. You can find printable copies of each meditation at: http://www.mindfulnessmeditationinstitute.org/resources/ 21
About the Author Charles Francis is the Director of the Mindfulness Meditation Institute. He has studied the practice of mindfulness with Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh, and has developed a system of teaching mindfulness meditation that has been proven to be effective in transforming the lives of countless people throughout the U.S. He has a well-know reputation for having a deep understanding of human behavior and the nature of relationships, as well as spiritual development. For over 16 years, he has been working to help people find inner peace through the practice of mindfulness meditation. He has conducted personal consultations, lectures, workshops, and spiritual retreats. In addition to being an ordained minister, Charles has master s degrees in Public Administration and International Relations. He has worked for the North Carolina State Senate in writing legislation to address childhood obesity and government efficiency. About the Mindfulness Meditation Institute The Mindfulness Meditation Institute is dedicated to providing you with the tools you need to realize your full potential as a human and spiritual being. It is our experience that you can reach this goal through the practice of mindfulness meditation. By realizing your full potential, you will find the happiness and fulfillment you ve been searching for your whole life. 22
The Institute's director, Charles Francis, has been working for over 16 years to help people find inner peace through the practice. He has conducted personal consultations, lectures, workshops, and spiritual retreats. In addition to being an ordained minister, Charles has master s degrees in Public Administration and International Relations. 23