The Presidents Day in Court

Plays is protected by U.S. copyright law. Only current subscribers may use this play (www.playsmagazine.com). Middle Grades The Presidents Day in Court When Patty O Phurniture s date with Jim Klass fails to meet her expectations, she sues in court for breach of contract.... by Kathy Applebee Characters PATTY O PHURNITURE, teenage plaintiff JIM KLASS, teenage defendant BAILIFF COURT CLERK JUDGE DEFENSE LAWYER PROSECUTING ATTORNEY GEORGE WASHINGTON JOHN ADAMS THOMAS JEFFERSON JAMES MADISON JAMES MONROE ABRAHAM LINCOLN SUSAN B. ANTHONY SACAGAWEA GIRLS, female audience members SCENE 1 TIME: The present. SETTING: Courtroom. Judge s bench is center, with witness docket next to it, and a small clerk s table and chair left of docket. Defense table is left, prosecutor s table is right. AT RISE: PATTY and PROSECUTING ATTORNEY are seated behind the defendant s table while JIM and DEFENSE LAWYER are seated at their table. COURT CLERK is arranging papers at small table. BAILIFF enters with JUDGE trailing a few seconds behind. The eight historical figures should be seated in the audience, either on the first row or in aisle seats in the second row for ease of moving to the stage. BAILIFF: All rise. (Cast and audience members stand until JUDGE is seated.) Court is now in session. The Honorable Judge Jo Jo Brown presiding. (JUDGE sits.) You may be seated. JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2009 37

JUDGE: What s our first case? COURT CLERK (Reading from papers): Patty O Phurniture is suing Jim Klass for breach of contract, fraud, and for causing her to miss watching High School Musical at a friend s house for the fourth time this week. JUDGE: How do you plead, Mr. Klass? (JIM and DEFENSE LAWYER stand.) JIM: Not guilty. (They return to their seats.) JUDGE: The plaintiff s lawyer may begin. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (To JUDGE): Your Honor, (To audience) ladies and gentlemen of our esteemed jury. On January 1, 2009, the defendant asked my client if she wanted to see his uncle s third cousin s twice-removed collection of The Golden Presidents. She said she did, and thereby passed up an opportunity to see High School Musical for the fourth time this week. My client is seeking damages of $50.00. Ms. O Phurniture, will you please take the stand. (BAILIFF presents a Bible. PATTY places left hand on Bible and raises her right hand.) BAILIFF: Do you affirm you will tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help you God and upon pain of perjury? PATTY: Ummm. What s perjury? BAILIFF: Lying to the court. It s a crime. PATTY: I promise to tell the truth. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Miss O Phurniture, what did you expect to see at the defendant s uncle s third cousin s twice-removed house on the day in question? PATTY: I thought I would see some 38 classy art of the Presidents of the United States of America. Made of gold. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: And what did you see? PATTY: A bunch of coins. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (To DE- FENSE LAWYER): Your witness. DEFENSE LAWYER: What was on the coins my client showed you? PATTY: Pictures of these old guys. I think one of them was President Washington. DEFENSE LAWYER: Weren t they, in fact, carefully engraved renderings of George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, James Madison, and James Monroe? Aren t coins, in fact, history you can hold in your hands? PATTY (Embarrassed): I don t know. DEFENSE LAWYER: Miss O Phurniture, you have accused my client of wasting your time, fraud and breach of contract. These are serious charges. (To JUDGE) Nothing further. JUDGE: You may be seated. (PATTY leaves the witness dock and takes her seat.) DEFENSE LAWYER: Your Honor, I wish to call some rather unusual witnesses the first five presidents of the United States of America! JUDGE: Bailiff, it won t be necessary to swear any of them in. Have the first president take the stand. DEFENSE LAWYER (To GEORGE WASHINGTON after he is seated): Please state your full name for the record and tell us about yourself. PLAYS playsmag.com

WASHINGTON (As he sits): I m George Washington. I am affectionately referred to as the Father of this country. I was known as General George Washington when I commanded the Continental Army. We won the American Revolutionary War, gaining independence from Great Britain. I was later elected to two terms as President. DEFENSE LAWYER: Do you recognize the face on this coin? (Shows him a golden dollar) WASHINGTON: Yes, that s my face. I must tell you, though, I asked not to be put on any coins. You see, we had just gotten rid of one King George and I didn t want to become another. DEFENSE LAWYER: Thank you. I d like to enter this as Exhibit A. Bailiff, please pass this and any other exhibits around to the jury and the rest of the court. (For each coin exhibit BAILIFF takes coin to COURT CLERK, who fills out an exhibit tag and attaches it to the coin. BAILIFF then passes coin around the courtroom.) JUDGE: Does the prosecuting attorney wish to question the witness? PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Yes, Your Honor. I have heard it said you never told a lie. Do you have anything false about you? WASHINGTON: Just my false teeth. I broke most of my own cracking nutshells. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Nothing further, Your Honor. JUDGE: You may step down from the witness stand. Next? DEFENSE LAWYER: I call John Adams. (After ADAMS is seated) Tell us about yourself, Mr. Adams. JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2009 ADAMS: I was the only president in the first five who did not hail from Virginia. I m from Massachusetts. DEFENSE LAWYER: Do you recognize the face on this coin? (Shows him a golden dollar) ADAMS : That s my likeness. DEFENSE LAWYER: Thank you. I d like to enter this as Exhibit B. Bailiff, please show the jury and other people in this court. JUDGE: Does the prosecuting attorney wish to question the witness? PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: No, Your Honor. I m just awed to be meeting them. PATTY (Grumpily): What kind of lawyer are you? You re supposed to be on my side. JUDGE: Next. DEFENSE LAWYER: Thomas Jefferson. (Waits for him to be seated) Tell us about yourself. JEFFERSON: I am Thomas Jefferson of Virginia. I was best known for writing much of the Declaration of Independence and for serving as the third president of the United States of America. I strongly supported state s rights. DEFENSE LAWYER: Did you accomplish anything else during your terms in office? JEFFERSON: Yes. I made sure the United States bought the Louisiana Territories, greatly expanding the territory for our people. I hired Lewis and Clark to explore it. DEFENSE LAWYER: Did anyone have problems with your presidency? 39

JEFFERSON: Alexander Hamilton and a few others. They favored a National Bank and strong Federal government, which I did not. I wanted to make sure the little guys, the small businessmen and farmers with just a few acres, could pursue life, liberty, and happiness as well as the rich and powerful. DEFENSE LAWYER: Admirable. Now, just one other question whose image is engraved on this coin? JEFFERSON: That looks like the Statue of Liberty to me. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Objection. The Statue of Liberty can t testify. She s a statue! DEFENSE LAWYER: Sorry, Your Honor. I was showing him the reverse of the coin. Lady Liberty is on the reverse or back of all the Presidential Dollars. Let s look on the front. JEFFERSON: That is my likeness. DEFENSE LAWYER: Thank you. You may step down. I wish to mark this Presidential Dollar as Exhibit C. Bailiff, please pass the coin around for examination. I now call James Madison. (Waits for MADISON to take his seat) Tell us about yourself. MADISON: I was from Virginia and drafted the Virginia Plan. That gave the bigger states with more people more representation in the government. I was the fourth president of the United States of America and like George Washington before me, I had a nickname. DEFENSE LAWYER (Curious): What was that? My nickname was... PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (Standing, loudly): I object. The defense attorney s nickname is irrelevant. 40 JUDGE: Sustained. The defense attorney will refrain from mentioning his nickname. The witness s nickname is relevant to this case. Proceed, Mr. Madison. MADISON: George was known as the Father of our Country and I was known as the Father of the Constitution. I led the nation during the War of 1812. After we won, the European nations had more respect for us as an independent country. DEFENSE LAWYER: Congratulations. One question more. Whose image is engraved on this coin? MADISON: Mine. DEFENSE LAWYER: Thank you. Exhibit D. You may step down. I now call James Monroe. (Waits for MONROE to take his seat) Do people get you and James Madison mixed up? MONROE: I can t really say, but I am quite unhappy that the defendant couldn t tell anything about any of us except George. DEFENSE LAWYER: Fill us in on what you did as the fifth president of the United States. MONROE: I introduced the Monroe Doctrine, named after myself, warning European nations not to interfere in the Western Hemisphere. While I was president Spain signed over what is now Florida. I just wish Disney World had been around in my time. I d have liked to visit it. JUDGE: Stick to the topic, Mr. Monroe. MONROE: Yes, Your Honor. People were moving west as the east got crowded. They went because they wanted to own their own land, explore, and take advantage of all the opportunities available in America. PLAYS playsmag.com

DEFENSE LAWYER: Mr. Monroe, whose image is engraved on this coin? MONROE: Mine. DEFENSE LAWYER: Thank you. You may step down. You may mark it Exhibit E. I now call Jim Klass to the witness stand. JEFFERSON (Standing and calling from his seat in the audience): Son, I hope you know your rights under the constitution and the first ten amendments. You don t have to testify against yourself. ADAMS (Standing): He s right. It s in the fifth one. JIM: I m happy to waive my Fifth Amendment rights and take the stand. BAILIFF: Do you affirm you will tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God and upon penalty of perjury? JIM: I do. BAILIFF: You may be seated. DEFENSE LAWYER: Tell us in your own words what happened. JIM: My uncle s third cousin twice removed is a numismatist. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (Standing, loudly): I object! JUDGE: On what grounds do you object? PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (Rather embarrassed): I don t know what that word means. (With more vigor) It sounds like a guy who hypnotizes you with numbers. JIM: A numismatist is a coin collector. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: I withdraw JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2009 my objection. (Sits) JIM: He has a lot of cool coins. Some are really old and some have never been touched by human hands. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (Standing): I object, Your Honor. Is the defendant trying to say aliens mint our coins? JIM: No. Sometimes coins are sealed up like this one. (Holds up sealed coin) That way the oils and acids on our hands don t damage it and it becomes more valuable as time passes. (PROS- ECUTING ATTORNEY sits back down.) DEFENSE LAWYER (Holding up JIM s sealed coin): This is a Lincoln Penny. President Lincoln once said... PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (Standing): Objection! That s hearsay. I say that if the other presidents took the stand, then President Lincoln should take the stand as well. JUDGE: Do we have a President Abraham Lincoln in the courtroom today? LINCOLN (Standing): Here, Your Honor. JUDGE: Take the stand, please. LINCOLN: I am Abraham Lincoln, the 16th United States President when the country was divided over the issue of equality for all people. I helped free African American slaves and made sure they were able to enjoy all the rights of citizens of the United States, including voting. DEFENSE LAWYER: Does it bother you that you got stuck on a penny, the coin worth the least? LINCOLN: Not at all. Pennies are common and I was a common man. I stood 41

for the rights of the common people. But it does bother me you haven t called any of the women who have been featured on coins, except of course Lady Liberty. As the prosecuting attorney pointed out, she s a statue. But some women were live, flesh-and-blood heroines of the United States of American. JIM: Someone like Sacagawea, who s on a golden dollar, or Susan B. Anthony, who has been... PROSECUTING ATTORNEY (Interrupting): I don t object. The plaintiff in this case is female and I demand that these women be allowed to testify. ALL GIRLS: We want equal rights! We want equal rights! JUDGE: Order in the court. We ll hear from them as well if they are present. Are they? (Both women come forward.) SACAGAWEA: I am Sacagawea and this (Motioning to her baby) is my son John Baptiste. I helped guide Lewis and Clark throughout the Western United States. JEFFERSON: On behalf of the entire United States, I thank you. SACAGAWEA: Because I knew several languages and had expertise in living off the land I was able to keep Lewis and Clark alive. ALL GIRLS (Standing and doing a victory dance): You go, girl. You go, girl! JUDGE (Banging gavel once): Order in the court. I ll not have these outbursts! Continue. DEFENSE LAWYER: Is it true you helped get horses that were crucial to the success of the mission? SACAGAWEA: Yes, I also taught the 42 explorers how to find edible roots and plants previously unknown to them. DEFENSE LAWYER: Is it true when the boat capsized you singlehandedly rescued Captain Clark s journals from the whitewater of the Missouri River? SACAGAWEA: Yes. With my son strapped to my back. DEFENSE LAWYER: I understand that not one explorer was killed by Native Americans on this expedition. Why is that? Were you carrying a lucky penny? SACAGAWEA: No. It was because no war party was ever accompanied by a woman and infant. When people of other tribes saw John Baptiste and me, they talked first, rather than shoot first and ask questions later. DEFENSE LAWYER: Does the prosecution have any questions? PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: How do you feel about being on a golden dollar? SACAGAWEA: I am honored to be so carefully engraved and on behalf of Native Americans wish to thank the United Sates for designing such a beautiful coin. My people did not use disks of metal with a person s likeness engraved upon it for money. DEFENSE LAWYER: Thank you. You may step down. Please mark this golden dollar as Exhibit F and show it to the jury. I call Susan B. Anthony to the stand. (Waits for her to be seated) Miss Anthony, please tell us about yourself. ALL GIRLS (Standing and doing a victory dance): You go, girl. You go, girl! JUDGE (Loudly): Order in the court! (Bangs gavel twice) I ll not have any outbursts, no matter how just the cause. (To ANTHONY) Continue. PLAYS playsmag.com

ANTHONY: My name is Susan B. Anthony, and I can think of nothing I would rather hear than the sound of girls voices speaking up for equal rights. However, I must ask that you all respectfully obey the judge and keep it down. DEFENSE LAWYER: Is this your likeness on this coin? ANTHONY: It is. And be sure to check out the back of my coin. Does anyone know what you ll find? JUDGE: Anybody on the jury want to guess? (Allows guesses and gives hints like The bird that is a symbol of America until someone comes up with the Eagle. ) DEFENSE LAWYER: I would like this marked as exhibit G. Please show these to the jury, Bailiff. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: I object, Your Honor. This woman is a criminal! JUDGE: Have you been arrested, Miss Anthony? ANTHONY: I have. PROSECUTING ATTORNEY: Aha! She s a criminal. JUDGE: In this country being arrested doesn t make you a criminal. In the United States of America, you aren t a criminal until you are found to be one in a court of law. What were you arrested for? ANTHONY: Voting. It was illegal for women to vote, speak freely in public, own property, or go to school or get a job on an equal footing with men. DEFENSE LAWYER: Your Honor, women did receive the right to vote under the 19th amendment in 1920. JUDGE: Absolutely. Proceed, Miss Anthony. ANTHONY: Many of the Patriots were arrested by the British to gain their rights. I could do no less to win the rights that women deserved. ALL GIRLS (Whispering and slightly standing to do a victory dance): You go girl! You go girl! DEFENSE LAWYER: The defense rests, Your Honor. (PATTY stands and raises her hand, waits until JUDGE nods for her to speak.) PATTY: I want to drop the charges, Your Honor. Is it too late to do that? JUDGE: No. PATTY (To JIM): And I hope we can still be friends. JIM: Sure. In that case, how about you, me, and Andrew Jackson go grab a pizza? PATTY: Andrew Jackson? Is he here too? JIM (Pulling out a 20-dollar bill): Right here on this paper money. PATTY: Agreed. Pizza it is. JUDGE: Before I dismiss this court, is there anything else anyone wants to say? (The eight historical figures rise from their seats and form a line in front of the stage. ANTHONY is center. WASHINGTON, then LINCOLN, then SACAGAWEA on her left; JEFFER- SON, JOHN, MONROE and MADI- SON on her right.) ANTHONY: I am honored to appear on a dollar coin as do these presidents who fought for American rights. (She takes WASHINGTON s hand firmly.) JANUARY/FEBRUARY 2009 43

WASHINGTON: The rights of people of all backgrounds. (Takes LINCOLN s hand) LINCOLN: All colors. (Takes SACAGAWEA s hand. BAILIFF, JUDGE, DEFENSE LAWYER, JIM, PATTY, PROSECUTING ATTOR- NEY, COURT CLERK rise and form a line behind the eight historical characters and clasp hands except JIM and PATTY. JIM and PATTY should be center.) SACAGAWEA: All languages. ANTHONY: Both men and women. (JIM and PATTY grin at each other as they join hands.) JEFFERSON: From all size businesses (Takes ANTHONY s right hand) JOHN: The rights of people in the east (Takes JEFFERSON s hand) MONROE: And the rights of the people in the west (Takes ADAMS s hand) MADISON: That together, as many people but one nation, we have... (Takes MONROE s hand) ALL (Lifting clasped hands in a show of solidarity and unity): The rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. (All bow.) THE END PRODUCTION NOTES Presidents Day in Court CHARACTERS: 7 male; 3 female; 5 male or female, unlimited female extras. PLAYING TIME: 20 minutes. COSTUMES: Jim is dressed in a gym uniform, Judge in black robes, Bailiff in navy dress slacks and long-sleeved shirt with a badge on right side, other modern-day characters wear attire suitable for the courtroom. The six presidents should wear Colonial period pants, shirts, vests or waistcoats. Lincoln should be bearded and carry his stovepipe hat. Susan B. Anthony wears early 19th-century skirt and blouse. Her hair should be pulled into a bun. Sacagawea is in Native American attire and holds doll wrapped as Native-American infant. PROPERTIES: Briefcases containing official-looking papers for the lawyers, official-looking papers for the Court Clerk, six tags marked Exhibit A, Exhibit B, etc., Golden Dollars of Washington, Adams, Jefferson. Madison, Monroe and Sacagawea, a Susan B. Anthony dollar, a sealed Lincoln penny, 20-dollar bill. (Laminated coins from the U. S. Mint bulletin board kit can be used instead of real golden dollars), gavel, Bible. SETTING: Modern-day courtroom which should include tables for the defense and prosecution, a judge s bench, witness docket (chair), table for the court clerk and an American flag. LIGHTING and SOUND: No special effects. NOTE: The United States Mint website (usmint.gov) has a great deal of background information as well as free materials that can be used in conjunction with this play (materials.usmint.gov/$1coin/). The American Numismatist Association website (money.org) provides additional background information. 44 PLAYS playsmag.com