Envy & Jealousy Envy & Jealousy Taming the Terrible Twins By June Hunt DEFINITIONS A. What Is Envy? Envy is resenting the advantage of another, with a desire to possess the same advantage. 1 Envy is coveting what another has. 2 The Latin word for envy is invidere, which means to look at with enmity. 3 Ex 20:17 Is envy always wrong? Yes. Scripture never portrays envy in a positive light. God is never depicted as an envious God. Matt 27:15-18 B. What Is Jealousy? Jealousy is resenting another s rivalry or unfaithfulness, with a desire to guard or maintain what one possesses. 4 Jealousy is possessiveness. 5 The Greek word for jealousy is zeloo, which means zealous or burning with jealousy. 6 1 Sam 18:6-9 Why is God called a jealous God? Jehovah God initiated a special covenant relationship with the Israelites. Because of His love for Israel, God felt jealous pain when they threatened to destroy the covenant relationship and became disloyal. Ex 34:14 Is jealousy always wrong? No. It is natural and normal for feelings of jealousy to surface when a meaningful covenant relationship is threatened by unfaithfulness.
Num 5:29-31 2 Cor 11:2-3 C. The Difference between Envy and Jealousy 7 Envy burning desire to have coveting what another has empty hands that crave to be filled usually involves two people Jealousy burning desire to keep possessive of what one has full hands that fear being emptied usually involves three people CHARACTERISTICS A. Surface Symptoms Envious Prov 14:30 Encourages envy in others boastful Needs to put down others critical Vengeful feelings toward others resentful Internal pain over the success of others begrudging Overachiever competitive Unfulfilled desires or cravings greedy
Self-exalting demanding Jealous Prov 27:4 Judgmental of others performance-based acceptance Exclusive expectations not allowing outside relationships Anxiety/anger over potential loss threat of losing relationship Leaning on the identity of others emotionally dependent Overly possessive of others controlling spirit Unable to trust God insecure Suspicious of the normal behavior of others distrustful B. Disguises for Masking Envy or Jealousy 8 Making an issue of the unfairness of life Pretending apathy or indifference to people or situations Feeling self-pity Avoiding problems or people that could produce envy or provoke jealousy Idolizing certain people by placing them on an unreachable pedestal Offering false praise and congratulations Dropping unnecessary, negative information about another Projecting jealousy or envy onto another Developing a superior attitude toward another Becoming a martyr James 3:16
CAUSES A. Surface Causes Envy desire for selfish gain comparison emphasis on personal rights unrealistic expectations Jealousy lack of trust low self-image guilt fear of loss Prov 14:30 B. Situational Setups Envy affluence (money) achievement (honors, awards) appearance (looks, clothes, etc.) abilities (talents) advancement (promotions) activities (trips, social invitations) Jealousy sibling rivalry friendships marriage relationships adult parent/child relationships competitive work environment legalistic church environment Eccl 4:4 C. Root Cause
Wrong Belief: For Envy: I have a right to have what others have because I need to feel more significant. For Jealousy: I have a right to keep whatever I have to fulfill my need for significance. Right Belief: I will trust God and choose to be content regardless of what I have or do not have. He will fulfill my need for significance through His life lived within me. Phil 4:11-13 A. Key Verse to Memorize Phil 4:11 IV. STEPS TO SOLUTION B. Key Passage to Read and Reread Gal 5:13-26 C. Responding to Jealousy Speaking the Truth in Love Confront in love speak in love. Attempt to determine the source of the jealousy selfish or godly jealousy. Decide whether the jealousy is justified or a product of the imagination. Encourage disclosure of the pain without placing blame. Ask for forgiveness for any possible offenses do not be defensive. Affirm jealous people by declaring their value give praise and encouragement. Work on a plan together. Withdraw from one who is demonstrating open hatred or destructive manipulation. Eph 4:15 D. Replacing Destructive Emotions
Face your feelings and use them as indicators to change. James 3:14 Recognize the source of these emotions. James 3:15-16 Envy is an outgrowth of desire and a result of sinful patterns. Luke 12:15 Jealousy is an outgrowth of love and a natural emotion but is it godly or selfish? 2 Cor 11:2 Agape love says that you can transcend your natural jealousy and envy. Gal 5:13-14 Agape is a commitment to seek the highest good of another. John 15:12 Agape keeps us from expecting too much from another. 1 Cor 13:4-5 Agape keeps us from expecting everything in this life. 2 Cor 4:18 Agape keeps us from idolizing another person. Deut 6:5 Agape diminishes the pain of these emotions. Prov 14:30 Agape is the power to admit you cannot meet all the needs of another person or even all your own needs. Phil 4:19 Pray, pray, pray. With contentment Thank you, Lord, that I can be content in every circumstance. Phil 4:11 Without fear Thank you, Lord, that I do not have to be afraid.
Ps 27:1 With love Thank you, Lord, for Your unconditional love. May I love others the way You love them... with Your love. Matt 5:44 Without interruption Thank you, Lord, for promising to meet my needs and the needs of others. I pray that they will look to You to meet the unmet needs in their lives. 1 Thess 5:17 With a guarded tongue Guard what I say, Lord, so that I build up, not tear down others. Eph 4:29 Ps 141:3 Change your focus to pleasing Christ rather than on pleasing people and their desires. Self-worth Thank you, Lord, that my significance comes from You. Col 2:9-10 Strength Thank you, Lord, that You will enable me to do what You call me to do. 1 Thess 5:24 Praying for the one toward whom you feel jealousy or envy is the key that unlocks the prison door. When I have found myself locked in the jail of jealousy, my only hope for freedom has been prayer praying for the one who is the focus of my jealousy. When I prayed for my enemy, Christ set the prisoner free and that prisoner was me! June Hunt NOTES 1. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary (2001); www.m-w.com 2. See American Heritage Electronic Dictionary (Houghton Mifflin, 1992). 3. American Heritage Electronic Dictionary.
4. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. 5. See Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. 6. W. E. Vine, Vine s Complete Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words, electronic ed. (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 1996). 7. For this section see Betsy Cohen, The Snow White Syndrome: All About Envy (New York: Macmillan, 1986), 23-24; Charles R. Swindoll, Killing Giants, Pulling Thorns (Portland, Ore.: Multnomah, 1978), 23. 8. For this section see Cohen, The Snow White Syndrome, 25. SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY Arthur, Kay. Lord, Where Are You When Bad Things Happen? Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 1992. Carlson, Dwight, and Susan Carlson Wood. When Life Isn t Fair. Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1989. Cohen, Betsy. The Snow White Syndrome: All About Envy (New York: Macmillan, 1986). Freeman, Joel A. When Life Isn t Fair: Making Sense out of Suffering. Trusting the Master Series. Green Forest, AR: New Leaf, 2002. Fryling, Alice. Reshaping a Jealous Heart: How to Turn Dissatisfaction into Contentment. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1994. Haugen, Gary A. Good News about Injustice: A Witness of Courage in a Hurting World. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, 1999. Hunt, June. Seeing Yourself Through God s Eyes. Dallas: Hope For The Heart, 1989. Swindoll, Charles R. Killing Giants, Pulling Thorns (Portland, OR: Multnomah, 1978). Yancey, Philip. Disappointment with God: Three Questions No One Asks Aloud. Carmel, NY: Guideposts, 1988. (from Hope For The Heart Biblical Counseling Keys 2005 by Hope For The Heart. All rights reserved.)