Time to Let Go A Record of the Life and Death of a Young Man
In memory of Roy David Deakin and in gratitude to all who loved him and cared for him.
Time to Let Go A Record of the Life and Death of a Young Man Bruce Hugman Publihed privately in London 1998
Firt publihed in the UK 1998 Bruce Hugman Copyright Bruce Hugman 1998 All enquirie relating to thi publication hould be made to: Bruce Hugman 34 Culverden Road LONDON SW12 9LP United Kingdom Fax: +44 (0)181 675 2292 e-mail: brucehugman@compuerve.com For availability of free and paid-for copie, pleae ee back of dut-jacket Any part of thi publication may be quoted, reproduced or photocopied on condition that the ource i clearly acknowledged. Time to Let Go Limited Edition of 500 copie Set in Bernhard Modern Roman 11pt ISBN : 0 953453 0 6 Copy number Deign and Typeetting by Wet Deign, Buxton Printed in England by Lake Ltd., Birmingham
PREFACE Roy Deakin died from AIDS-related illnee on 27 March 1992 at the age of thirty-two. For nearly nine year he and I enjoyed a loving and fulfilling partnerhip and a rich and atifying life. Occaionally difficult and painful, it wa not alway a romantic idyll, but it wa contantly challenging and exciting. It took u far beyond the boundarie we hould ever have croed independently and it wa far beyond anything I had ever dreamed of enjoying. The period of hi illne wa, at the ame time, the mot beautiful and painful and intene experience of our live. It teted our energy, our reource, our love beyond all that we could have thought poible. It wa, in the event, both terrible and gloriou. Thi book i an account of what we made of our lat two year together, and of the legacy with which I now live. Our uffering wa nothing in comparion with the many whoe live are ravaged by war or wanton killing or other udden death. But the iue and quetion and doubt and fear which we faced are the common currency of ix
being human. How we dealt with it all, what we learnt may be of ue to other, whether or not they are gay; whether or not AIDS i the threat they face. Our good fortune wa to have notice of death, and during the time of preparing ourelve to be urrounded by generou, upportive, loving friend, familie and profeional. We were given much, and it wa alway Roy' wih - and it remain mine - to give in return when we could. I hope thi book may be ueful. It wa at a time when Roy wa quite ill, ome month before hi death, that we dicued the arrangement for hi funeral with the old friend who wa to lead the ceremony. During that dicuion, when he had o little to look forward to, he decribed our life together a a marvellou adventure. And o it wa. I hope thi account of it will touch and enrich the live of other. Bruce Hugman London, November 1998 CONTENTS Preface... ix The Story of a Partnerhip... 1 The Diary... 21 Part I: February 1990-June 1991... 23 Part II: Round the World July-Augut 1991... 93 Part III: September 1991-February 1992... 131 Part IV: March 1992... 175 Part V: April-September 1992... 221 Piece publihed in Gay Time 1. Grief, Anger and Hope (1990)... 255 2. The Bet of Time i Now (1993)... 269 Epilogue by Dr. Rob George and Vicky Robinon... 281 Gloary of medical term in the book... 283 x xi
PROLOGUE The Story of a Partnerhip Roy wa born on 22 December 1959 to Harry and Vera Deakin. They, and hi elder iter Ann, lived in a mall, terraced, back-to-back houe next to the River Sheaf in Sheffield. The houe wa lit by ga; a Yorkhire range provided the cooking facilitie and the warmth for wahing in the tin bath. When the Sheaf wa in flood, the cellar of the whole treet would be awah to ground-level. Harry wa a team-engine fireman and then driver; Vera had been a conductre on the bue and wa then wa a parttime cleaning lady. Many member of the family lived in houe on the Avenue and nearby, and thoe other who were not related by blood were part of the tightly-knit and upportive community. The family later moved to Rotherham and bought a houe on a teep hill - far above the lapping of any potential flood. Roy wa not a great achiever at chool, but, at ixteen, decided he wa going to College to take A level. In hi econd year, Harry, jut 46, died of a heart-attack. Roy abandoned College, and tarted work a a bu conductor and then driver, determined to make hi contribution to the houehold income. 1
Vera, in the meantime, had an operation for the removal of a benign tumour on her brain, which left her partially-ighted though phyically fit. Siter Ann, by now married for ome year, wa bringing up her three girl fifteen mile away. Roy wa, at thi time, not only hugely handome - with neatly-trimmed full beard and moutache - but alo an immenely ociable, popular man, enjoying the company of a regular group of friend with whom he went on frequent, extravagant binge. He wa a mart, reliable, cheerful worker, undaunted by 4 a.m. tart or the preure of front-line public ervice. He had a very cautiou, covert gay life, but hared the knowledge with only a very few friend and not at all with hi mother or family. He had a few hort-lived, largely unatifying relationhip. He wa, and remained, devoted to Vera, with whom he hared a vigorou, warm-hearted atirical view of the world and human foible and a generally earthy, uggetive ene of humour: they would often both be in helple fit of giggle for minute on end in repone to ome innuendo or ambiguity or evidence of human daftne. They both relihed the peculiaritie of Yorkhire folk and poke in the rich accent and vocabulary of the region. Vera wa - and i - one of thoe women of heroic independence and energy who, in pite of a erie of major tragedie, battle on, knowing that life continue and that time ha to be filled. Loing her huband o young, facing the conequence of major urgery, dicovering her on wa gay and loing him to a lover, and, finally, attending the funeral of the apple of her eye when he wa jut thirty-two, he could have been forgiven for going into a depreive decline. But no: a ever, he continue to re-organie the houe on a regular bai; to clean and decorate; to do the garden; to trim the houe up for Chritma; to go out on biddie trip and on holiday; to bake, cook, knit, read and write letter. She ha the deep trength which come from a fine, robut contitution, and Roy wa fortunate to inherit many of thoe qualitie. **** The circumtance of my birth and life were very different. I wa the firt on of Mary and Peter, a mechanical engineer and a legal ecretary. Father came from the relatively liberated outh while Mother came from the Prebyterian regime of the Glagow uburb. Both grandfather had achieved coniderable profeional ucce a manager in buine, and both had tarted from modet origin. The war wa to end month after my birth in January 1945, and pot-war, rationed Britain formed the backcloth to my earliet memorie. My brother, Iain, wa born in 1949, at about the time I wa ent to the firt of my feepaying chool. In every repect, my parent did all that they could to enure Iain and I had a good tart in life. They pent endle money and trouble on wholeome food and dietary upplement (cod-liver oil capule and Vimaltol amongt many) on dental and medical care, on chooling, on holiday at home and abroad, and on enuring that life had occaional high-point treat uch a Saturday lunch in 2 3
retaurant. They were not in the leat rich, but they managed their money o prudently that there wa never any ign of carcity. We had one of the earliet black and white TV, and Dad had bought a car (a Ford Conul) jut a few year after the war. I went to a minor public chool a a day-boy and then on to Oxford to get a repectable but unditinguihed Second Cla Honour in Englih Language and Literature. I tayed on for a fourth year to train a a teacher. My career wa regarded a pretty eccentric by my parent. I taught at a major public chool for two year (where mother, certainly, hoped I would progre to an eentual headmaterhip), and then did a two-year potgraduate degree in Social Studie before becoming a probation officer. I worked on the treet of Sheffield for two year (motly with young drug-taker and protitute) before moving to London a Director of the Albany, Deptford. It wa during my time in Sheffield, when I wa about twenty-five, that I finally came to term with being gay, and et out to meet other gay people and develop ome kind of true and clear identity. After o many year of denial, dihonety and motly olitary ex, the change began to have a tranforming effect on my inner confidence and available optimim, though it provoked an initially very tene time with my parent, mot epecially my mother. London proved to be a difficult and painful time, and, after a year I emigrated to deepet Kent to tay with ome friend in an ancient farmhoue et amidt eight acre of cherry orchard. Here, I worked for ome week a econd chef in the poh retaurant in the village and then a a general farm labourer for ix month or o, eeing through lambing and harvet on our neighbour farm. My friend then left the houe, and I and two other friend who joined me tarted four year of mallholding - heep, goat, pig, hen, duck, a houe cow, vegetable, home-made bread and all the wonderful feature of the then trendy elf-ufficient life. I did ome adult education teaching in Canterbury and then became deputy head of Englih at a large econdary modern chool in Whittable. City life eventually beckoned again, and I returned to Sheffield to a joint appointment a a training officer in the probation ervice and a lecturer in ocial tudie at the Polytechnic. After four year there, I applied for the job of Public Relation Officer for South Yorkhire Tranport - the huge, famou, low-fare bu operation in South Yorkhire which provoked o much national controvery for it fare policie. It wa in my econd year in that job, in the ummer of 1983 when I wa organiing our participation in the Sheffield Show, that Roy, then a bu driver in Rotherham, reponded to an appeal for volunteer helper. On a bright, unny day, amidt milling crowd, I met him and aked him to blow up a few hundred promotional balloon for u. He wa 23, and I, 38. **** It i hard to imagine two people with apparently le cultural, ocial and peronal compatibility than the two of u, and it i till a matter of perplexity to me what it wa 4 5
that made the partnerhip o good. In many way we remained very ditinct individual with ome very ditinct tate and habit, but a vat area of common ground wa available to u, and it wa on that that we dicovered what we already hared and from which we took each other forward into new territorie. Within a few week of meeting, we pent a great deal of time together, including an idyllic long-weekend in London and Kent. We felt trongly that it would be wonderful to live in London. Toward the end of 1983, I wa approached about the poibility of taking up a PR pot in London and wa eventually appointed. Roy and I talked about whether or not he would pull up hi root and move outh with me. After initial enthuiam, a the time drew nearer, he began to develop eriou doubt about leaving Rotherham and hi mother. Some intinct told me that the problem wa that he could not tell hi mother or family why he hould be moving to London with me (he had never mentioned being gay at home), and that that wa mixed up with hi profound ene of reponibility for upporting Vera. I propoed that I hould phone hi iter and tell her exactly what the ituation wa o that Roy could then tackle the quetion with the iue out in the open. Thi he did, and wa warmly upported by the family in hi intention. He did, not, however, tell the whole truth to Vera, and he remained anxiou about what he aw a Roy fragile and dependent tatu: what would he do if I threw him out? he wondered. For Roy, thee dicuion cleared the air, and he felt free to make the move. So, jut ix or even month after we had met, we et off for London, and temporary reidence on the floor of a friend crowded dining-room in Barne. I tarted my new job, and, within day of our arrival, after briefly indulging the joy of unemployed freedom, Roy found a job a an aitant at Traveller Fare at Paddington Station. After a few week he applied to London Tranport and went back to bu driving. After handing in hi notice at Traveller Fare, they told him they had been about to promote him to upervior. I occaionally caught hi bu on my way to work, and felt a huge, romantic thrill at eeing him at the wheel of a big red London bu, and at being one of hi paenger: if only everyone ele on the bu had known how lucky they were to have uch a driver! Between u we earned a pretty ubtantial um, and we very rapidly etablihed the elf-indulgent habit that were to characterie our year together: eating and drinking out together and with friend, going to film and play, clubbing it way into the mall hour, and going abroad for holiday. We went to Harrod and bought net-building thing in the ale, walked by the Thame and took riverboat trip along it, at in park and had picnic, trolled happily along Oxford Street, and began to feel that the Great City wa becoming home. After ix month of bedit land, we found and bought a turn-of-the-century, three-bedroomed, terraced houe in Balham and et about renovating and decorating it from 6 7
top to bottom. Roy took a leading part in thi ubtantial enterprie. We had very imilar net-building intinct, and oon the houe wa tranformed into a warmly comfortable, welcoming place, in which we felt at eae and in which our many guet had happy time with u. Each ummer we had a great champagne party in the garden - an event which tarted at midday and uually went on into the following early morning - a well a many dinner partie and boozy evening. After a little while in the houe, Roy decided he wanted to bring hi beloved Lady down from Rotherham, and, though I wa far from keen to have a dependent animal around, I raied no objection: he wa devoted to her, and the houe wa, after all, a much hi a mine. I came to love the old black mongrel nearly a much a he, though I wa, from time to time, feebly reentful of the affection and tenderne which he lavihed on her, more of which I thought he might have directed toward me. In a generally very harmoniou life, we did have ome mighty row and truggle in the firt couple of year a we went through the proce of learning about each other and making all the adjutment and conceion which are neceary for two mature, independent people to live together. I - for example - had a tendency to be very untidy and lovenly around the place, leaving newpaper and coffee cup, letter, clothe and any other movable item jut where I had finihed with them. It had been a huge peronal liberation for me to be mater of my own territory once I had left home and to behave jut however I pleaed. While in many way I wa an intenely organied and focued peron, thi tudied neglect of order in the dometic world had become omething of an obeion with me. Roy had quite different idea about how a houe hould be managed and expreed them trongly. Some childlike apect of my peronality reacted to thi with angry reentment and we had everal real row when he tried to peruade me to put thing away and keep the houe in order. A time paed, I began to adopt hi value and behaviour, and though there were real lape from time to time, my tandard were oon nearly a high a hi. Thoe are habit which have never left me. That ame proce of accommodation and growth took place for u both in all kind of way, many of them much ubtler and more internal than the mere orderline of the external world. Our approache to the pending of money were very different: he, from a well-managed, prudent, working cla home aw money a omething to be put aide for hard time; I from a financially comfortable background and everal year of bachelorhood on a reaonable income pent practically everything I earned and aw that freedom a the reaon for earning. Roy, however, took to the pleaure of pending money rather more quickly than I took to the habit of dometic tidine: we did ave, but, my goodne, we did pend too! He had alway had a great appetite for pleaure. The dramatic move from Rotherham - with all the 8 9
opportunitie and new experience it opened up - reinforced and developed that to an adventuroune which wa quite atonihing, and which occaionally made me feel cautiou and conervative. He would try out new food, new muic, new cultural experience, new friend and would almot alway emerge atified and hankering for more. Socially he wa enormouly competent and people of every age and background and type reponded with warmth and affection to him - he had the mot catholic circle of friend of anyone I knew or know now. He had no time at all for the uperficial or pretentiou, and quickly aeed who wa to be taken eriouly and who to be avoided for good. In many way he wa ocially more adaptable and generou than I, and though we both maintained a few friend more or le independently, our mutual circle flourihed, mot often through new contact he had made. He wa not in any ene an intellectual, though he had great natural intelligence, judgment and perception. My more eriou, academic ide wa not omething which wa explicitly part of our mutual life. He wa proud, I think, that I wa a publihed writer, and encouraged me to continue writing, but he never read any of my book or article - nor indeed anyone ele, I think. My ocial work background had left me with a legacy of belief about how healthy human relationhip hould be conducted, ome of which had proved valuable and durable. One of thee wa the principle of talking through conflict and difficultie a a way of retoring harmony. It a very ound principle, and highly effective in many circumtance, but I learnt from Roy that there are other way of dealing with conflict that are often equally, if not more effective. If there were anger or reentment in the air, my inclination wa (ometime after hour or day of brooding) to broach the ubject and tart a mutual inquiition a to what wa happening. There were time when thi wa the bet way for both of u (it wa uually me who took the bull by the horn) - but there were many occaion when it wan t the way at all. Roy taught me that anger (for example) can be expreed a the feeling of the moment and then be utterly forgotten. If my repone to uch an expreion wa to brood and ulk for age, then I wa making omething out of the event which wa entirely unbalanced in relation to hi feeling or wihe. That robutne, that availability of pontaneity and of forward movement, wa typical of him and from it I learnt a great deal. He found tenderne much more difficult to expre in word and there were time when I, with my particular attachment to verbal communication, found that quite difficult to endure. He knew it, and occaionally acknowledged it, and I came to accept that, in general it wa not hi way. Hi granite loyalty and commitment were o evident in action, why did I need the word a well? It wa only in the firt year or two, and then only briefly, that we had any problem about exual matter, and they temmed from my enthuiam for a number of bar and a raunchy night auna in Amterdam. It wa a place I had viited everal time before Roy and I met, and it had 10 11
provided me with ome of the mot deliciou and memorable exual experience of my life, at a time when I had been jut dicovering how exciting ex with another man could be. Roy had previouly been on a brief holiday to Amterdam with a mixed group of friend, but had dicovered nothing of the atonihing gay life of the City. On our firt viit together (the firt of many) I wanted him to go to the auna with me, but he decided it wa not for him and wa clearly not at all keen for me to go on my own. I went and next day, rather inenitively, told him all about the night event. It wa my way, I think, of indicating that I did not feel that whatever might have happened wa ignificant or to be een a intruding on our relationhip. In retropect I think I wa imprudent and probably hurtful. During later viit to the City, however, thing were very different. We would go to the auna together, it for a while drinking at the bar or weating in one of the cabin, and then go off eparately, to meet an hour or o later and wop torie over a beer. The routine might be repeated three or four time before we would walk home together in the light of the dawn, feeling content and at peace. With the exception of thee early indulgence (which took place only in Amterdam), and two later, eparate occaion of infidelity, we were both faithful. Muic wa one area to which we both opened door for each other. I wa a dilletante dabbler in modern and pop muic, but didn t know much about it, and hadn t really collected record or tape much ince the day of the Beatle. I enjoyed pop muic, particularly for dancing, but wa quite out of touch with the modern cene. Roy had a tremendou collection of record and tape which he renewed with purchae every time he heard omething he liked. Litening to muic wa a integral a part of hi life a reading the Guardian every day wa of mine. He could happily pend hour with hi headphone on and a drink in hi hand. He taught me to take popular muic eriouly and to find real pleaure in muical and light muical entertainment - to undertand that it wa often not jut frothy, lightweight, trivial entertainment, but a eriou expreion of real and profound feeling. I am what I am wa probably hi abolute favourite ong, and it repreented the expreion of hi deepet feeling about life - live with pride, confidence, extravagance and colour whatever the odd or the objection: how could one not be profoundly moved by uch a commitment? And for him, I opened the door on claical muic, which he came to love and liten to of hi own accord. Seeking a gentle firt experience of opera for u both, we aw the Magic Flute at the Colieum and were both completely entranced by the production. We aw it twice more, bought the CD, and played it endlely at home. He loved it. He danced and ang in two or three muical produced by the London Tranport Player, and flourihed in greae-paint and cotume, though in the end withdrew becaue of the bitchy relationhip and authoritarian tyle of ome of the organier. But cotume he loved. 12 13
Knowing that he had a liking for drag, I had, very early in our relationhip, bought him a pair of ize eleven patent leather tiletto with ix-inch heel. Thee remained a prized poeion, to be brought out and tried at partie by even the butchet of our traight male friend, and worn by Roy whenever there wa a uitable opportunity for exhibitionim. (One of the heel eventually napped off under the weight of ome hefty male, and it never got repaired.) At one of our ummer partie, he emerged into the garden in a linky black number belonging to one of our petite, lim girlfriend, a broad-brimmed hat, cigarette holder and fihnet tocking - and of coure the tiletto. (Our lim friend wa never able to wear the frock again.) Thi wa an apect of him I wa never quite at eae with, and I m unure why - whether it wa becaue I wa enviou of hi making uch progre to liberation or afraid of finding I liked it too much, I don t know. Hi general appearance and behaviour were anything but camp, yet he could camp it up wonderfully when the mood took him. There were one or two of our girlfriend who were only too happy to indulge him with make-up, clothe and an appreciative audience, and I upect hi bet drag night were with them in my abence. I did not mind, indeed wa pleaed that what I had difficulty in offering he could find elewhere. We frequently went out for night on the town, ending up at bar or club with drag how, and there were a couple of act we followed enthuiatically round the circuit: they were outrageou night of happy, drunken, abandoned hilarity which I am ure I would never have conidered let alone dicovered without Roy. I had alway been a keen and committed cook, preparing lengthy and elaborate meal for my friend, omething which Roy found perplexing in the early day: eating for him had been largely a wift, utilitarian activity. Over the year we became an incredibly accomplihed team at providing hopitality, often pending a whole day preparing every lat detail of a feat for ten or a dozen friend, and then, after they had gone, wahing and clearing up everything before we went to bed. Even for ourelve, on a birthday or at Chritma, we would provide a feat, with the table fully decorated, flower, candle, ilver and linen, lingering for hour over the meal. I have the happiet memorie of ome of thoe intimate, indulgent dometic occaion. After driving for a year or o, Roy applied for and wa appointed a an Aitant Security Supervior at London Tranport headquarter in Victoria. Hi principal dutie were to work at the reception dek, igning taff and viitor in, anwering enquirie, receiving parcel, and o on. He wa a tremendou ucce at thi, hi warm, welcoming mile and courteou manner very rapidly making him popular with mot of the hundred of taff in the building. Hi attitude to Chairman or cleaner wa jut the ame - mature, chatty, humorou, though there were ome of the director and manager whoe attitude to him (and to humanity in general) ued to make him furiou. For a hort while, before Roy went to the headquarter building, I had had a enior PR pot there, but it had come to a painful and wretched end with dire conflict with my bo, whom I, and many of her taff regarded a 14 15
unpredictable and tyrannical. I ecured two month alary in lieu of notice, but Roy and I had to face the poibility of very dramatic change in our live.through thi major crii (and other that were to follow) Roy provided incredible trength and comfort. For him, the crii wa a crucial turning point in hi elfconfidence and elf-image within our relationhip. Previouly, I had been the major earner (we could both have urvived on my alary) and, virtually unconciouly, I think, he had been left feeling le than an equal partner. However much I might have proteted that what wa mine wa hi, and that we were an equal partnerhip, for him, epecially from hi background, tatu and reponibility within a houehold were deeply connected with earning capacity and actual reponibility exercied. He had, without quetion, taken an equal or more than equal part in almot all the practical apect of maintaining our home and in nurturing our partnerhip, but it wa he who followed me to London for my new job and it wa he who had been unemployed (even if only for a matter of day) while I brought home the wage-packet. Now, it wa he who wa bringing in the income to keep u in our home and to feed u; it wa I who wa out of work. There wa no ene of relih in thi, and, at the time, I am not ure we quite realied how important a proce of change wa taking place, but it trengthened him and banihed whatever lingering ene of inequality he felt. I managed to build up a ucceful freelance PR conultancy, working from home, and wa then recruited a a director of a mall advertiing agency in outh London. During that time we moved to a larger, fourbedroomed, 1890 terraced houe half a mile from where we had firt lived. There wa a bigger garden and, beyond it, the open pace of the Common. After three year or o, that company went into liquidation and, once again, it wa Roy who provided the teady trength and income through crii. There wa the real rik that we would loe the houe if the liquidation evolved badly, and we had to face the tark realitie of poible homelene. Thi we did by facing the wort poible cae which, we imagined, wa etting up a tent on Clapham Common and waiting for omething to turn up. A o often happen, taring the wort in the face make one realie that it not the end of the world, and that one might a well carry on without depair. He wa jut great, mierable and angry though he wa ome of the time about the caue of the diater. We had lot thirty-five thouand pound in the collape, and it wa I who had promoted the invetment. There were no recrimination. We went abroad once or twice a year: everal time to Amterdam, to California, Jerey, Barcelona and Seville, Rome; weekend and day trip to Scandinavia or France and had two magical holiday in remotet north wet Scotland. There we rented keeper lodge, dozen of mile from evidence of civiliation, with little but heep, deer, oaring bird of prey and the wild, unpredictable weather to aborb our attention. The cottage had electricity (the remoter one had a generator), open fire, and were et in wild, unfenced valley covered with heather and rocky outcrop, 16 17