All Rights Reserved 2016 THE PIG WITH THE WOODEN LEG A city man went hiking in the woods. He soon realized that he was lost. Trying to find his way back, he wandered into a clearing only to see a pig with a wooden leg. The pig realized the man was lost and ran off a little ways and looked back. Not knowing what else to do the man followed the pig until he came to a farm. "Thank goodness, said the man as he approached the farmer who had come out to greet him, I never would have found my way if it hadn t been for your pig. Well," said the farmer, "that's a very special pig. One night we had a fire and that pig set up a great squealing and saved us all." "Is that how he got the wooden leg?" asked the man. "Nope, he pulled through that just fine," said the farmer, though a while later a bear attacked me and that pig came running and chased him off. Saved me for sure." "Wow! So the bear tore off his leg?" asked the man. "Nope. He came away without a scratch." "So how did he get the wooden leg?" the man asked. "Well," the farmer replied slowly, "You just don t eat a pig like that all at once." PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - PASSTIMESAZ@LIVE.COM - 480.983.9143
IT WORKS! NOW IF I COULD ONLY REMEMBER HOW I DID IT THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL IS NOT THE ILLUSION; THE TUNNEL IS THE ILLUSION GOD CAN REPLACE YOUR PAIN WITH PURPOSE
THE TROUBLE WITH TELLING A GOOD STORY IS THAT IT INVARIABLY REMINDS THE OTHER FELLOW OF A DULL ONE BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR A man was sitting alone in his office late one night. Noticing dust had accumulated on the base of his desk lamp, he pulled out his handkerchief and rubbed the base vigorously. All of a sudden a genie popped out of the light bulb. "And what will your third wish be?" said the Genie. The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?" "You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left." "Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads." "Funny," said the genie as he granted the man s wish, and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"
YOU CAN GET BY ON CHARM FOR ABOUT FIFTEEN MINUTES. AFTER THAT, YOU HAD BETTER KNOW SOMETHING "I'M SORRY... AM I DRIVING TOO CLOSE IN FRONT OF YOU?" * On June 19, 1864, the most successful and feared Confederate commerce raider of the war, the CSS Alabama, sinks after a battle with the USS Kearsarge off the coast of France. After three years and 75,000 miles, the Alabama needed overhauling and was taken to France, where the USS Kearsarge was lying in wait. On June 16, 1884, the first roller coaster in America opens at Coney Island, New York. The coaster traveled 6 mph and cost a nickel to ride. The name Coney Island is believed to have come from the Dutch Konijn Eilandt, or Rabbit Island. * On June 17, 1972, five burglars are arrested in the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate complex in Washington, D.C. An extensive investigation unveiled a scheme of political sabotage and espionage, which ultimately resulted in the resignation of President Richard Nixon.
* On June 18, 1923, the first Checker Cab rolls off the line in Kalamazoo, Michigan. In 1922, with some 600 Checker Cabs on the streets of New York City alone, owner Morris Markin went looking for a bigger factory and settled on Kalamazoo. THE GREATEST ILLUSION IN THE WORLD IS THAT YOU ARE SEPARATE FROM GOD * On June 14, 1954, more than 12 million Americans "die" in a mock nuclear attack, as the United States goes through its first nationwide civil-defense drill. The event stood as a stark reminder that the world was now living under a nuclear shadow. * On June 13, 1966, the Supreme Court hands down its decision in Miranda v. Arizona, establishing the principle that all criminal suspects must be advised of their rights before interrogation. Ernesto Miranda had been arrested and not told he didn't have to say anything. * On June 15, 1986, stock-car driver Richard Petty makes the 1,000th start of his NASCAR career, at Michigan International Speedway. "The King" would extend his record to 1,184 career starts before his retirement in 1992. (c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc. MONEY DOESN T BUY CLASS
EVER GET THE FEELING YOUR STUFF STRUTTED OFF WITHOUT YOU? THERE IS NOT ENOUGH ROOM IN YOUR LIFE FOR BOTH WORRY AND FAITH SIGN ON A BUTCHER SHOP WINDOW "LET ME MEAT YOUR NEEDS."
TO PROTECT ITS FOOD, THE WOLVERINE MARKS IT WITH A STRONG MUSK SO FOUL-SMELLING THAT OTHER ANIMALS WON'T TOUCH IT ALWAYS PRAY. NEVER GIVE UP - LUKE 18:1
SING IN A NONSMOKING AREA " IF WE SEE SMOKING WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE ON FIRE AND TAKE APPROPRIATE ACTION." OFTEN, WHEN I AM READING A GOOD BOOK, I STOP AND THANK MY TEACHER. THAT IS, I USED TO, UNTIL SHE GOT AN UNLISTED NUMBER
A CLEAR CONSCIENCE IS USUALLY THE SIGN OF A BAD MEMORY SOMETIMES WHEN GOD WANTS YOU TO GROW HE MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE CONFESSION Some people have no thought or feeling about their sins. The subject is one which hardly crosses their minds. They rise in the morning and go to bed at night. They eat, drink, and sleep as if they had no souls at all. They live on as if this world was the only thing worth thinking of. They consciences seem asleep. They need the prayers of the faithful. They, as do we all, need God s forgiveness. Without confession there is no inward peace. Sin is a burden. It is a load of which man must get rid if he means to be really happy. No one is so moral and respectable that they need not confess that they have sinned. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. All are sinners in thought, word, and deed. Every knee ought to bow, and every tongue ought to confess to God. Confessing our sin should become a habit. It is an essential part of life. Without it there is no going to heaven. Without it we have no part or lot in Christ. The very reason for Christ s appearance on this earth was to show us the way to forgiveness. To pave the road to God and eternal rest with our forgiven sins. receive that gift by saying to your Creator, I m am sorry. From J.C. Ryle s 1850 s pamphlet Do You Confess
YOUR TALENT IS GOD S GIFT TO YOU; WHAT YOU DO WITH IT IS YOUR GIFT TO GOD GOD DIDN T GIVE YOU STRENGTH TO GET BACK ON YOUR FEET ONLY FOR YOU TO TURN BACK TO WHAT KNOCKED YOU DOWN
DUE TO THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF MY JOB I HAVE NO IDEA OF WHAT I M DOING LOCKING IT UP The locksmith s first call was from a woman who wanted all the locks changed on her home. The job was taking longer than expected and the woman realized she had to get to an appointment. She told the locksmith, a kindly older man, that she was leaving and headed out. Just as the woman got to the front door, her puppy ran up to her and stared at her with the saddest face. Moved, the woman looked at her forlorn puppy and said, "I love you, sweet boy, now you be good. Okay?" From the other room she heard the old man s voice answer, "Okay." MUSIC TO MY HEARS The symphony musicians had little confidence in their new conductor. Their fears were realized at the very first rehearsal. The cymbalist, realizing that the conductor did not know what he was doing, angrily clashed his instruments together during a delicate, soft passage. All the musicians stopped playing and waited to see how the conductor would handle this insult to his profession. He confirmed the orchestra s every fear when he looked around angrily and in a highly agitated voice demanded, "Who did that?