Shaping Up As a Dad + Prepare and Share Prepare for this session by praying for the other dads in your round table (and for their sons). Check your notes and share with the other dads about your size-up interview with your son(s). Share one or two insights you received from reading the first two chapters of Raising a Modern-Day Knight. + What to Look For in this Adventure What are the three things a son needs to hear most from his dad? ROYAL Proclamation: Behold, a voice out of the heavens, saying, This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased. MATTHEW 3:17 + What to Expect I will identify several positive traits in my son and brag on him publicly and privately. + Video Notes Getting in shape can be overwhelming! It helps to have a guide and a plan. Here are four key exercises a Strategic Dad needs to work out on with his son: 1. A son needs to SEE certain things in his dad. 2. A son needs to HEAR certain things from his dad. 3. A son needs to RECEIVE certain things from his dad. 4. A son needs to EXPERIENCE certain things with his dad. All of the above will be explained more fully in next week s Adventure III session. What is it that every son needs to HEAR? Every son longs to hear three powerful and universal affirmations from his dad: 1. Son, I love you. 2. Son, I m proud of you. 3. Son, you re good at. 33
These same three affirmations are found in Matthew 3:17, when God the Father speaks them into the life of His Son, Jesus. } The King s PromiseS Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust. As for man, his days are like grass; As a flower of the field, so he flourishes. When the wind has passed over it, it is no more, And its place acknowledges it no longer. But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him, And His righteousness to children s children, To those who keep His covenant And remember His precepts to do them. PSALM 103:13-18 Every son also needs to RECEIVE instruction about manhood. Most sons are going out into life guessing at manhood. And most sons guess poorly! Without manhood clarity and instruction, a dad leaves a void in his son that in time will be filled with anger, frustration, and addictions. The scripture says: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6: 4) How does a boy become a man? 1. It happens when a father has a clear understanding of manhood he can define, articulate, and live out in front of his son. 2. It happens when a father, with the help of other men, formally initiates his son into manhood by calling him to embrace this same definition of manhood for his own life. If a dad doesn t give his son a clear definition of manhood, the world will! (Dennis Rainey) A clear and transferable definition of manhood will be offered in Adventure IV. Personal Notes: 34
+ Initial Reaction to the Video What was the most impactful thing you heard in this session? What was the most powerful thing your dad ever said to you as a son? Why? What is one thing you wish your dad would have told you but never did? + Your Round Table Discussion 1. Share the most impactful thing you heard from today s session. Why was it so impactful? Explain. } And I will be a father to you, And you shall be sons and daughters to Me, Says the LORD Almighty. 2 CORINTHIANS 6:18 Furthermore, we had earthly fathers to discipline us, and we respected them; shall we not much rather be subject to the Father of spirits, and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as seemed best to them, but He disciplines us for our good, that we may share His holiness. HEBREWS 12:9-10 35
2. When it comes to fathering, how do you want to be like your dad with your son and how do you want to be different from him? Explain. Something about a father s physical and emotional presence gives life to a boy. Masculine life. Just being around Dad watching him shave, hearing him laugh, touching his flesh invests a son with large doses of male energy. And this emotional capital cannot be gained anywhere other than in the presence of a father. RMDK, P. 36 3. Which of the three statements, I love you, I m proud of you, You re good at, has your son heard the most from you? The least? Which of these statements would your son say he needs to hear more of? Why? 4. When did you know you became a man? How will your son know? If asked, what would you tell your son a man is? A Last Word from Robert Lewis (If you put this exercise plan into action) you re going to find yourself going further than you ever imagined going before. And in those close one-on-one encounters that you have with your son, you ll be talking heart-to-heart and soul-to-soul with him. You re going to build some incredible memories memories that for your son will become mythic when he looks back and remembers his dad building into his life and doing things with him that strengthened and empowered him to stay the course in his own life.... Strategic Fathering builds a son into a man. 36
+ Dad s Challenge Robert s challenge: To identify specific things for which I am proud of my son and brag on him in public and/or private. Identify several things that make you proud of your son. Look for opportunities this week in private or public to brag on him. Include telling him and others why you re proud of him. Be specific in your comments. If you want to go full bore, tell him face-to-face that you love him. Go for it! + Dad s Prayer Heavenly Father, I am proud of my son. I may struggle to put it into words, but I want to do better. Help me to express my pride as clearly as You did for Your Son. Help me to be like You in this way. Help me to avoid unhealthy criticism and give me the wisdom to focus on constructive encouragement. Help me to be as patient with my son as I know You are patient with me. In Jesus name, Amen. By the next session read chapter 3 of Raising a Modern-Day Knight. Also, check out the Armor Up devotionals during the next week! + Journal for the Journey Below is space for you to list specific qualities and abilities you see in your son. Use them to praise him this week. Then record the experience you had from this week s Dad s Challenge. What is missing today in most father-son relationships? Why do the sons of even good, emotionally involved fathers drift in adulthood? Because we have forgotten to give them the best things! A social and spiritual competence can be summarized in three phrases: A vision for manhood A code of conduct A transcendent cause. RMDK, P. 39 What qualities do I see in the way he treats others? 37
What personal disciplines or traits seem to come naturally to him? How does he handle challenges and opportunities? 3 Spoken Gifts a Son Needs from His Dad: + Son, I love you. What does he enjoy doing that he does well (even if it doesn t fit my interests)? Son, I m proud of you. Son, you are good at... + How have others described my son that made me proud of him? How did I do in the Dad s Challenge? How did my efforts to brag on my son work out this week? Did I take the opportunity to tell him face to face that I loved him? How did he respond in these moments? 38
+ Reading Reflections Based on this week s Raising a Modern-Day Knight assignment: Chapter 3. Special Insights Life-Changing Principles Personal Application 39
Notes
+ ARMOR UP WEEK 11
+ Week 2: Armor Up (Also read RMDK, chapter 3) + Day 1 Shaping Up As a Dad Key Verse: Luke 2:49 And He said to them, Why is it that you were looking for Me? Did you not know that I had to be in My Father s house? Your relationship with your Heavenly Father may be hard to talk about with your son. Your history with your earthly father may make it especially complicated. But before you worry too much about how to pass the truth on to your son, you need to focus on more immediate questions: How is your relationship with God? In what ways does your son observe and experience your relationship with God? Does he know that you enjoy being a child of God (John 1:12)? Does he sense a hope in you that makes him curious (1 Peter 3:15)? When you feel overwhelmed by fatherhood, think of Joseph the carpenter. He was Jesus step-dad. Talk about an intimidating job! And yet Joseph had to do the dad duties. He had to lead Jesus through the mechanics of life, even though he must have realized that his son caught on to things awfully fast! You may have experienced something similar when you taught your son the basics of baseball or golf. There s a mixture of pride and envy when we show our sons how to do something, and they almost immediately do it better than we ever dreamed of. How many out-of-shape dads sit in the bleachers during games seeing themselves in their sons as they never were at that age? Joseph took Jesus to church. They worshipped together. In his day, it really was a man thing (and it still can be!). They even went to Jerusalem and the great Temple together. And Joseph had to learn some lessons about the limits of his earthly role as Jesus dad. Even at the age of twelve, as today s verse shows, Jesus had a deep understanding of His relationship with God. Your son can learn volumes not only by the way you speak about and treat your earthly father but also by the way you behave as a son with your heavenly Father. The way you worship God isn t supposed to be a show for your son, but it will teach him a lot. What will he see in you this Sunday? 43
+ Prayer Arrows Pray for your son. Pray about this week s challenge and what you can learn from it. Pray about this adventure and for the other men in your round table. + Question for Today In what sense do I feel at home in church? 44
+ Week 2: Armor Up + Day 2 Shaping Up As a Dad Key Verse: Luke 11:11 12 [Jesus said,] Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? Jesus understood fathers. After all, he had a couple of great ones. He observed a father s giving heart. He saw how it wounds a father s spirit to offer poor gifts to his son. He even declared how it violated a father s design to give his son something bad in place of something good. We long to give our sons good things. But we struggle with doubts, questions, and mistakes. We ask, What good do I give my son? We wonder, I want to give him more than good things, because I know they don t satisfy. But I don t really know what my son needs. I m not sure I got it, so how can I give it? Reading chapter 3 of Raising a Modern-Day Knight, will help by showing you that your struggles and questions are not unique. Many other men around you are wondering what it will take to shape up as a dad. In the video session, Robert and Dennis mentioned the Dad s Workout Program they will introduce in the next session. You will discover that what your son longs for is something you can t buy. The gifts you can give him are so precious you can t afford them. But don t worry; they already belong to you. You can give treasure worth more than gold when you communicate those three statements explained in the Adventure this week. Son, I love you. Son, I m proud of you. Son, you re good at. They will have an effect like regular deposits in a manhood account in your son s life that offers dividends. You can practice saying these three statements throughout his childhood, even though the second and third ones take special effect as he approaches adolescence. It s good to get used to using all three of these observations with your son. Training isn t just knowing how to do an exercise perfectly; it s actually doing the exercise, even imperfectly. Strategic fathers grow and train themselves into that role. The more you work at expressthem into words. If you have a hard time imagining what a differ- ing these thoughts to your son, the better you will get at putting ence these statements can make, close your eyes for a moment and imagine hearing your own dad say these statements to you. 45
During these days, each time you use one of these encouraging and affirming phrases with your son, realize that your strides towards Strategic Fatherhood will be deeply pleasing to your heavenly Father. In fact, you can imagine hearing Him echo the same words back to you. Tell your boy, I m proud of you and your heavenly Dad will also say, I m proud of you, too, son. + Prayer Arrows Pray for your son. Pray a thank-you to God for the men who have influenced your life in good ways. Pray for the man who is leading your Adventure. + Question for Today How do you respond to your son s requests? Do you have a training strategy for saying yes and even for saying no? 46
+ Week 2: Armor Up + Day 3 Shaping Up As a Dad Key Verse: Ecclesiastes 4:12 And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart. There s something heroic about a father and son standing side by side in a cause. What could swell a dad s heart with more pride than standing back to back with his son to repel an attack? Or accomplishing a great task together? There s something in a little boy that delights in working with Dad. At first, his efforts may not contribute significantly to the task, but his excitement over participating can touch a dad s heart. A young son helping Dad push the lawnmower can over time become a working relationship in which Dad finally feels their roles gradually reverse, until he s the helper while his son does the heavy lifting! Two who can fight together or be strong like the three-strand cord mentioned in today s verse must be braided together. Practice makes teamwork. Practice takes time. The rope idea in this verse recognizes that a braided cord always has three strands, even though it looks like two. In relationships, the invisible third strand can represent Christ s presence. The natural bonds between a father and son are made infinitely stronger when their lives are braided together by their shared relationship with Christ. The challenges and insights you are receiving during these sessions are small steps in a long journey. In the next session, you will see a plan that gives you a view of two decades of your son s life and points out how those time-related messages fit into your son s life. Continue to resist the feeling that you are starting late or hopelessly behind. Regrets aren t going to help your son unless they spur you into action now. Remember Robert s encouraging words about watching older fathers of grown men begin to apply these principles and experiencing the joy of their sons responses. You re not in this alone. As you continually train your son by example and by direct input you will be cooperating with what God is doing in his life. As challenging as all of this may be to you, remember the picture of the little boy helping Dad push the mower. When it comes to God s work in your son s life, you re the little boy helping your heavenly Father with the priceless task of braiding a strong relationship with your son. 47
+ Prayer Arrows Pray for your son. Pray about what God might want you to do for the closest relationships in your life. Pray in thanksgiving for what God is doing in you through this Adventure. + Question for Today In what ways can a piece of braided rope teach my son about the relationship I want to have with him? 48
+ Week 2: Armor Up + Day 4 Shaping Up As a Dad Key Verse: Psalm 94:17 If the Lord had not been my help, My soul would soon have dwelt in the abode of silence. Silence isn t always golden. Sometimes silence means sadness, anger, or even fear and frustration. Dads who settle into the strong, silent type image with their sons are actually withholding something that can be of greater value than gold the affirming words of a father. Many dads realize that even when their mouths are engaged, their souls often aren t speaking. They can say things to their sons, but there seems to be little connection. As Robert pointed out in the last session, things we often mean to be advice sounds to our sons like criticism. Our pointers sometimes hurt. Especially if we rarely point out what they are doing right! We know from our own experiences that the effects of a single negative comment are often more devastating than the good feelings generated by positive words. When we speak into our son s life, we will be wise to answer the following question: Is this something I want to say or is this something my son needs to hear? What we feel like saying often isn t what our sons need to hear. Fear of hurting or offending isn t a good excuse for silence. Our sons long to hear affirming words from us. Yet when we realize that we cause damage by thoughtless words, we often fall back into silence rather than learning to say the right words. We may not have gotten many positive messages growing up. However, but when we learn how much we missed, that discovery doesn t have to be an excuse for passing on the same legacy to the next generation. It can, instead, motivate us to give something good to our sons in a greater quantity than was given to us. So, how do we pass on to a son what wasn t passed on to us? We need to receive that affirmation from other men and ultimately from our heavenly Father. Without God s help, we will spend too much time in the abode of silence. With Christ s help, we can speak into our son s life the words he longs to hear, even if he doesn t realize it yet. If it s not clear to you, review this week s challenge to make sure you understand it. Decide what character traits or achieve- 49
ments you want to praise about your son. If you haven t had an opportunity to practice the challenge yet, think about the rest of the week and what you might have to arrange to make sure your son hears you brag on him. + Prayer Arrows Pray for your son. Ask God for courage to break the silences in your life. Pray for special opportunities to brag on your son. + Question for Today How can I break an area of silence in a healthy way today? 50
+ Week 2: Armor Up + Day 5 Shaping Up As a Dad Key Verse: Matthew 3:17 Behold, a voice out of the heavens, saying, This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased. In chapter 3 of Raising a Modern-Day Knight, Robert Lewis describes with honesty and compassion the dysfunctional relationship his father had with his three sons. His words ring with respect along with deep sadness. Later in the book, he describes a plan of action he undertook to reverse the impact of poor fathering in his own life through an act of honoring his dad (and his mom). Raising a modern-day knight develops a son who doesn t have to struggle to respect his dad. A son s honor makes our decision to become Strategic Fathers worth it! As we saw last week, by the time Jesus was twelve years old, He already had an ease about expressing respect for both His heavenly and earthly father. His ministry was filled with statements of high regard for His Father. Jesus didn t hesitate to give His Father credit for His actions (see John 10:25-38). He told people, I m just like my Dad. If you know me, you know Him. We re One! (see John 10:30). Wouldn t it be great to hear your son say one day, Dad, I m proud to be just like you in so many ways? We often tend to resist thoughts like this because we are aware of traits we would rather our sons didn t pick up. As one father in the first video session said, We are our own worst enemy. It doesn t have to be that way. We need to remember that the proper order of events requires that we express love and pride for our sons first. By following God the Father s example, we build into our son s life both motivation and a model of affirmation. Notice the parallel between a mother and child. A mother nurses and loves her newborn for several thousand hours before that child can say the words, I love you. How many times will your son hear you say, Son, I love you and am pleased with you, before he can respond in kind to you? Frankly, we don t know how long and how many times it takes. Every son is different. Better err on the side of saying, I love you too often to our sons rather than not often enough. We need to say it often enough so that our sons move through life with our voices echoing in their ears. When they face life s challenges 51
and difficulties, may they hear our affirming words encouraging them to keep on going. What they hear and believe the most will be the first things they think about when difficulties come. Make sure that when your son thinks of you, the overriding picture that enters his mind will be you saying to him, I love you, son. + Prayer Arrows Pray for your son. Pray about this week s challenge and what you can learn from it. Pray about this Adventure and for the other men in your round table. + Question for Today How will my son know today that I m proud of him? 52
+ Week 2: Armor Up + Day 6 Shaping Up As a Dad Key Verse: Luke 23:46 And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said, Father, into Your hands I commit My spirit. And having said this, He breathed His last. Jesus last words before dying were directed to His Father. That day, Jesus accomplished His purpose and placed His life trustingly in His Father s hands. He lived up to His Father s pride. And we can be grateful forever that Jesus was very good at what He did. In fact, the details of how God arranged for our salvation from sin is the greatest Father/Son story ever! We were the creation that needed saving and God the Father gave up His Son to be our substitute under sin s punishment (Romans 5:8). God the Son accepted the role of Savior (Philippians 2:5-11). They are the ultimate dynamic duo! As dads, we are entrusted with our sons spirits. That is one of the responsibilities/gifts we have from God. We can be men and live up to that trust or we can be unworthy of that trust by failing to take seriously our role as Dads. That s where strategy comes in! We don t have to give much thought to the impulse to keep our sons physically safe. We instinctively protect them as well as we can. We warn them about traffic, stairs, drugs, and various other dangers. But how much effort do we invest in their spirit? How much do we recognize the value and power of our words of affirmation? Unfortunately, many of us are careless with our sons spirits. We hurt them by neglect. Sons grow up guarding their spirits, wondering how important they are to us. A son who knows he s loved is a son who keeps his spirit open. A dad who backs up I love you messages with I m proud of you and You re good at comments is faithful with his son s spirit. A son who feels deeply valued by his father will continually place his spirit in his father s hands for safekeeping. If you sense that your son is closed or already guarding his spirit from you, it may not be because you ve done something wrong. It may just mean that you have done nothing. How does he know that you value him and care for his spirit, care for who he is as a boy growing into manhood? 53
As simple as this week s challenge may seem, it does have huge potential. It s a start. You are actively building (or rebuilding) your son s confidence so he can trust you with his spirit. That process will take time. He may never put it in these terms, but he wants to experience the encouraging words that come best from a father s heart. + Prayer Arrows Pray for your son. Pray for each of the other men in your round table who are trying to verbalize their love to their sons. Thank God for something special about today. + Question for Today How do I know that my son trusts me? What have I done to preserve that trust? 54
+ Week 2: Armor Up + Day 7 Shaping Up As a Dad Key Verse: Matthew 3:17 (again) Behold, a voice out of the heavens, saying, This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased. It s probably worth thinking about who might be listening before you say, I want to be like God. But the challenge this week is a do-able opportunity to practice godliness to imitate God. You get to talk about your son the same way God spoke about His Son. If this is a first for you, then remember it s a first for your son, too. When it comes to various character traits, the Bible directs us to be like Jesus. Have this attitude in yourselves which was also in Christ Jesus (Philippians 2:5). But when it comes to our roles as fathers, we can take many of our cues from our heavenly Father. As we saw on day 2 this week, Jesus didn t hesitate to use His Father as an example for us to admire. If the opportunity to brag on your son hasn t developed naturally this week, you ll need to take some intentional action today. What activities are on the schedule that might give you a chance to tell someone about your fatherly pride within your son s hearing? If nothing comes to mind, you may have to take a direct approach. Simply sit your son down and tell him you have something to say to him you ve been thinking about all week. If other family members are around, make sure they hear what you have to say. One of the men in the video round table talked about missing his father s praise personally, but then he discovered that his father was using him as a model with his younger kids in another marriage. Clearly, even secondhand praise hits the target. One suggestion: While you re in the car with your son, make a cell phone call to someone significant (or to your own dad) and brag about your son. Let him hear you. When the Father s voice came from heaven to declare His pleasure with Jesus, the words were directed to the bystanders. Jesus must have basked in His Father s delight. Let your son know you re proud of him and watch him grow towards manhood. This may start out like an awkward exercise, but it can develop into a practiced routine. Not only is your son worth the effort, you will also benefit by shaping up as a Dad! 55
+ Prayer Arrows Pray about ways you can brag on and influence your son for good. Ask God for wisdom as you seek to train for the challenge of becoming a Strategic Dad. + Question for Today What have I thought and felt as I ve bragged on my son this week? 56