Freedom resources for everyday life issues practical Christianity written by Ross Wakeley
2 FREEDOM Soaring on the merry-go-round ride. Laughter and the sheer joy of enjoying fun with friends or our grandkids. As we get older, some of that freedom can get nibbled away by the issues of life. As I ve had the privilege of visiting many people all over Sydney, it s become clear that many are struggling with similar issues. Stress Family tension and Anger God, why don t you stop the suffering? Loneliness and identity issues This booklet seeks to give you some practical help in dealing with life issues and gaining a sense of freedom. Most topics start with a real-life story and then move on to offer some insights and solutions. Many of these issues are complex this booklet is just a starting point. Your Chaplain will have some suggestions on where to get more help in the issues you are facing. Ross Wakeley Chaplain The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17
3 It s been a tough thirty-six months for Ruth and Bill, her husband of forty-two years. Bill was diagnosed with Parkinson s disease and it s been a struggle. For Ruth and her family, there are lots of days that get really stressful and challenging. Ruth asks the question, Ross, how do I cope with the stress of everyday life when I feel so out of control? I have to be honest I ve not walked the road that Ruth is on. However, there are some key truths and practical principles that do help us better handle the stress of our lives. Stress is our body running on overdrive and it s fuelled by an excess of adrenalin. When we can handle the stress OK, we feel good that s endorphins at work. If we have constant events that trigger internal tension, the constant adrenalin puts us in a cycle of choosing how we ll respond Will I fight, run or freeze? Flight, Freeze or Fight Stress Distress 0 50 100 Problem to solve Self protection Win or loose Violence Rage Reflection: When bad stuff happens in your life, how do you cope with the internal tension and stress? How effectively do your strategies work for you?
4 What makes us act the way we do? Our life experiences, beliefs and expectations. Stress can get us down when, for example, our experiences overwhelm us, or our expectations get shattered. There is huge value in meditation in a place where you feel at peace Jesus said, Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27
We are all vulnerable to these triggers to feeling stressed Stress created in the moment: a huge explosion of emotion and adrenaline as our immediate response to a challenging or threatening situation. Stress built over time: a long-term build-up of unhappiness fuelled by our beliefs being undermined; our expectations not being met; or our behaviour being questioned or challenged. 5 We get stressed when we loose control of events in our life. Practical strategies to help lower our stress levels Get up 15 minutes earlier in the morning to help get IT done. Don t rely on our memory write it down. Plan ahead and be prepared to wait. Be realistic. Get rid of clutter (in home and our head). Live free of junk. Exercise removes the adrenaline and increases endorphins so we feel better. Eating properly is also helpful. Decide what are our priorities and what is not essential. Keep our sense of humour. Grab opportunities for a laugh. Change the way we talk to our self from negative to positive and use meditation on true phrases like, God cares for me. Deep breathing releases pent up frustration. Singing helps. Time in the bush, a garden, or by the beach restores the spirit.
6 My sister makes life unbearable for me. Over the past few years, I ve done most of the work looking after dad and all she does is complain. She doesn t help and is only after mum s money. I hate her, says Carmen. What do I do? She makes me feel so frustrated and helpless. Many of us have been hurt: some of us, really deeply. There are two paths we can choose when a person hurts us (whether intentionally or otherwise). We can choose to forgive, or we can refuse to forgive that person. If we make that decision, it begins a series of steps: Step 1: We hold onto the hurt we have due to past actions by a person we trusted. We brood over whatever occurred. In our mind, we run a video replay. We choose to hang on to that hurt, either as a weapon to hold over that person, because we want to get revenge at them; or we lack the capacity to forgive them. Step 2: As a consequence of our attitude and our hurt, we try to control the person by our fear and anger. That approach violates a principle from the Bible In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26, 27). Until we choose to forgive, our life is usually miserable. Step 3: The downhill spiral of unforgiveness moves on to us blaming the person for their failure. We blame them for what they have done to us and we punish the person with the weapon of guilt and project our own guilt and anger at them.
7 Step 4: Unless there is a breakthrough, we experience a life of insecurity, guilt and a refusal to offer trust to people. It s not a good place to be. Truth is, God knows that and gives us a clear way out of the problem. In Ephesians 4:31,32, we read this clear direction: Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, brawling and putting each other down, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, God forgave you. Forgiveness = Freedom The bloke in this picture is ready to crucify Jesus but He comes and loves the man. God does that for every person. At whatever point we may be at, trapped in the cage of unforgiveness, guilt and failure, Jesus comes to us and says, My child, your sins are forgiven. There is more. God = Love How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are. (1 John 3:1) Nelson Mandela experienced this truth. Over twenty years in a harsh South African prison could have turned him bitter. Instead, he turned to Jesus Christ. He was set free on the inside, spiritually and emotionally, long before he was released physically. Mandela had a Bible in that prison cell, and he allowed God s promises and love to speak freedom into his life.
8 As we allow the good news that God loves us to soak into our whole being, we allow God to release us from our cage of guilt, failure and anger. As we ask God, he gives us the capacity to forgive the people who have hurt us. We also free that person of being trapped in a cage of guilt and failure. We give up our desire to hit back at them. They are released and so are we! Perhaps God has brought someone to your mind at this moment. Maybe there is a person to forgive that Jesus is showing you right now. Freedom starts with a decision on your part to forgive them. But they don t deserve to be forgiven, we say. You don t know how deeply they hurt me! I accept that, but in this act of real forgiveness, you set yourself free. You ll be healthier. Give the one who hurt you a gift that they do not deserve - your forgiveness. A Prayer: God, I now choose to forgive this person that you have brought to my mind at this moment. I give them a gift of my forgiveness, just as you have given me the gift of your forgiveness. They owe me nothing. I release them from my judgment. I want to be free from all anger, fear and bitterness. I let it all go, God, at the foot of the cross of Jesus. By faith I now receive the freedom and healing that Jesus has gained for me. I receive it now. Thank you, God.
9 Katrina has been caring for her husband Joel at home for six years as he deteriorated from Parkinson s and stomach cancer. His time was running out. A bowel blockage meant yet another trip to hospital the eleventh visit this year! You d think the staff in ER would know Joel by now and how to best to care for him. Sadly, Joel s treatment was ineffective and even doctor s saw him as just an old man waiting to die. Katrina blew a fuse at the hospital system. She felt overwhelmed by anger at people who made her feel powerless. Treatment for Joel improved, but she felt humiliated that she d got so angry and lost control. It just isn t right or fair! Emotional life our reactions and behaviour 1. HURT occurs whenever we are made to feel small, empty or insecure by people or events. We feel a loss of control over our life. 2. ANGER is a physical and emotional expression of our pain. It s also an attempt to regain control of events. 4. VIOLENCE is a desperate attempt to regain control over a situation where the body s rage is vented in a public way. 3. RAGE is the body s experience of anger. Adrenalin floods our system and our body has physical symptoms. Bad stuff that happens to us can mean we become consumed by our pain we replay the events and we feel worse. How do get free?
10 80% of who we re- ally are is hidden from other people Visible behaviour 20% of who we really are What we think about and how we feel Our values and beliefs To survive, to My real be esteemed, needs > respected, loved, valued Understanding self From an early age, we seek to have our core needs met, but also seek to be validated by those who we most value in our life parents, siblings, peers Often we fail to get the emotional validation we are seeking. This is a fundamental unmet need by many people. Reflect: What are your real needs? Do you get the support you need? We have a choice: to either REACT or RESPOND to life s situations A: React to the situation/person We focus on the event, the hurt, shame and how we were wronged. Our mind/spirit broods on things, so we re dragged down. Joy goes. Relationships are poisoned and we process events through the lens of anger and hurt. We put up emotional walls up for self protection. We now react to whatever the other person does, with no interest in forgiveness or restoration. In retaining our anger, we may end up with a serious illness triggered by our unreleased emotional pain. There IS another way 2000 years ago, people crucified Jesus. It was a totally unjust murder and he could have sworn and screamed. Jesus said, Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing. (Luke 23:34) He choose to walk a better path.
11 B: Respond to the person God says, I have loved you with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:3) We re able to respond to people when we first step back into God s love and refuse to allow events to ruin our spirit or mind. Restored from experiencing God s love, our internal security is able to recover. We then choose to release the person from our anger and forgive them which sets us emotionally free. We put up personal boundaries to help prevent that person from dumping their stuff on us. We use God s wisdom, people who can provide real help and the self-care strategies to help us live well. Practical self-care strategies include: Take holidays even if just a few days or visit a place that lifts the spirit. Half the joy is the anticipation. Breathe in beauty. Feel you re about to blow a fuse? Before it happens, state: I need some space. I m going for a walk. Don t slam the door on the way out. Outside, flex the muscles to release the tension. God didn t make us to do life solo. Talk to friends about what is triggering anger and invite them to speak hope and truth into our life and who give support to us. We need mates on the journey. See a Christian counsellor for God to bring some releasing work in you. Take time each day in God s presence to enjoy his love for us, renew our mind, rebuild our spirit and refresh our heart. More free help at http://wakeley.weebly.com
12 Marco s wife died last week he d helped care for her for nine long months. Cancer claims another person and Marco feels gutted. He asks me, Why did God let this happen? How can He let me suffer like us. It s just not fair. In our pain, suffering can get us on a downhill slide We experience the grief cycle of shock, denial, anger and feeling alone and powerless. We cry out, Does anyone care for me? In the midst of our heartache, we may get trapped as we review all the pain, suffering and injustice in the world from an intellectual or emotionally driven perspective. The outcome Focus shifts to the things in our world that are negative and evil We look at God with human eyes and view Him as uncaring, powerless and deaf to the cry of humanity. We shift away from a Bible-based view of the world and the true character of God, so that Our faith becomes shattered. Hope is abandoned. We get cynical. We assess life issues from our standpoint as we ve become negative in our perspective. Result: we get overwhelmed and discouraged. We walk away from God, feeling alone.
13 How do we get off the downhill spiral? Let s get back to the real character of God; the world He gave us and our freedom to act. God s character is seen in Jesus He healed the sick Fed the hungry Spoke against injustice Raised the dead Loved the marginalized Set people free He knows incredible pain by personal experience. It was God who died on the Cross. Way back at the beginning, God gave us a planet free of pain. He also gave us free will the right to make choices. Sadly, mankind s history is one where our selfish nature always sets the agenda. We keep making bad choices and that leads to suffering and pain. We say, Why doesn t God fix it and make it all better? He has the power to do that, but if he did, He robs us of the freedom he gave us to make our own choices. With choice goes responsibility. Look at the picture that s Jesus crying as he sees us suffer. God is not remote from our pain. He is deeply moved but there is more.
14 2000 years ago, Jesus was born on planet earth. Here is God being with us in our life and our suffering. On the Cross, Jesus felt terribly alone. He was in agony. Jesus fully understands suffering having experienced it totally. It was our grief He bore, He was wounded for our sins. We left God s paths to follow our own. God laid on him the sins of every one of us! Isaiah 53 In our suffering, we can miss this reality. God suffers with us. He knows that if He waves a magic wand, then He violates the freedom He gave us. God chooses to walk with us in all we face. Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. (2 Corinthians 1:3,4) God also works though us to help our friends through their suffering.
15 Joan s husband died 17 years ago after a long illness and her children have moved to other parts of the world. Ross, what s the point of living? I feel so lonely. Nobody cares for me. What have I got to live for? Joan s story is true for many older people and loneliness can easily lead to us sliding into depression. Loneliness isn t the same as being alone; it is the feeling of being alone and being sad about it. Everyone feels lonely some of the time, it is only when we feel trapped in our loneliness that it becomes a real problem. Loneliness is a passive state we make it a real problem in our life when we let it continue and do nothing to change it.. Where our loneliness starts with our self talk What we say to ourself is crucial. If we are using negative self talk, that can become what we believe in and shapes our identity. Listen to what we say. For example, I will never be good enough, or I will always be alone, because I m stupid. Such lies defeat real life.
16 We can improve our self talk by what we choose to think about. The Bible has some great advice: Friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Philippians 4:8 Discovering our real identity Like most blokes, I m pretty good at knocking myself. God has really helped me overcome that negative self-talk by accepting my identity as a person who God loves and has forgiven. Good news God has the same message for all of us. WE ARE ACCEPTED BY JESUS CHRIST John 1:12 John 15:15 Romans 5:1 1 Corinthians 6:17 1 Corinthians 6:20 1 Corinthians 12:27 Ephesians 1:1 Ephesians 1:5 Ephesians 2:18 Colossians 1: 14 Colossians 2:10 We are God's children. We are Christ's friends. We have been justified. We are united with the Lord and one with Him in spirit. We have been bought with a price We are part of Christ's body, the Church. We are saints. We have been adopted as God's children. We have direct access to God. We have been forgiven of all our sins. We are complete in Christ.
WE ARE SECURE IN JESUS CHRIST 17 Romans 8:1,2 Romans 8:28 Romans 8:31-34 Romans 8:35-39 2 Corinthians 1:21 Colossians 3:3 Philippians 1:6 Philippians 3:20 2 Timothy 1:7 Hebrews 4:16 1 John 5: 18 We are free from condemnation. We know God only does good things. We know God is totally for us and loves us. We can t be separated from God s love. We have been given God s Spirit in us. We are hidden with Christ in God. We are confident that the good work God has begun in us will be completed. We are citizens of heaven. We re no longer under the control of fear. God gave us a spirit of power, love + a good mind. We can find grace and mercy in time of need. We re born of God and Satan can t touch us. Freedom from Loneliness Make a decision to stop letting the world forget about you. Choose to get involved in activities with people who have similar interests. In the photo is David Parsons. He and his wife Bev spend most days entertaining people with organ recitals it s a win/win. They aren t lonely and they bring joy to dozens of people every day. David turned a hobby into a way to avoid loneliness. Social groups widen our networks of friends; increase social skills; give us routine and structure so that there are things to look forward to and are enjoyable activities. Need some suggestions? Turn the page. Self talk is changed when we daily speak the truth of how God sees us
WE ARE SIGNIFICANT TO JESUS CHRIST Matthew 5:13,14 John 15:1,5 John 15:16 Acts 1:8 1 Corinthians 3:16 2 Corinthians 5:17 2 Corinthians 6:1 Ephesians 2:6 Ephesians 2:10 Ephesians 3:12 We are the salt and light of the earth. We are a channel of Jesus life. We have been chosen and loved by God. We are personal witnesses of Christ. We are a place where God lives. We are God s representatives. We are God's co-workers We re seated with Christ in the heavens. We are God's workmanship. We may approach God with confidence. Suggestions for Freedom from Loneliness Go on social outings with friends or family. Use your Library. Offer to pray for people and keep phone contact with them. BaptistCare provide social support care workers and volunteers. Chaplains are there to help you work through emotional and spiritual issues. People frequently use their Chaplain for support. Consider getting a pet! Animals make marvellous companions and give unconditional love. Walking a dog is a way to meet people. Attend a Church that is caring, alive and has groups that suit you. Have lots of enjoyable times with your children & grandchildren. Exercise with others gym, walking group, aqua-aerobics, etc. Get involved in activities to meet people. Join a sports league or take a class. Volunteer within your community or your church. Do everything you would normally do with a partner or friend. For example, if you and your partner went out to dinner or to a movie, then take yourself out to a movie or to a nice restaurant. Acknowledgements Photo s: Ross Wakeley, Web. Names have been changed in stories at the start of a section. The Holy Bible, New International Version Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society The Message. Copyright 1993-2002. Used by permission of NavPress Publishing Group