Oxanna Suau Watching the sun set over the streets of Detroit, I saw the world shatter to pieces. I walked the deserted streets of the Motor City, past the shops and restaurants but I couldn t see any of it. Blinded by his betrayal, my eyes only registered one thing: the lies. All the lies. My life was so filled with them, I couldn t see the simplest truths anymore. I knew I loved my job, my friends, my life but at this moment, I couldn t even fathom why. My entire existence came down to one thing and that was a big, fat lie. I lost my parents to his lies. The two beautiful people who had cared for me, supported me all through Harvard, even accepted me when I told them I was gay. Not like all those parents you hear about on the news, disowning their kids and all of that; no, mine cared and listened. They knew about him though. And I lost them because of it, because I couldn t see the truth behind his lies. They could of course. They always knew when I was lying. I should ve doubted that the two people with a inbuilt lie detector would know the truth about him. I should have known the truth about him. I could hear my mother s voice so clearly. Even my brother s or my sister s. Rachel, Paul, Fino, Ali, Jane, Rina, I knew what they would all say. Why? Why what? Why didn t I suspect something? Why didn t I know from the start that you can t change someone? Why didn t I learn my lesson? Why couldn t I see past his lies? I don t know why, so stop asking! No, I could never tell them why. My mind spun at six hundred miles per hour and I knew the only I could do to stop it was do the one thing I had promised myself I would never do. My head screamed at my body to stop but I knew this would be the only way to forget, even just temporarily, the pain he had caused.
The next time I saw a neon sign flash over my head, I pulled open the glass door and invited myself inside, plopping myself onto the first stool I saw. Hunched over, I surveyed the musky table and waved two fingers in the air. A glass of bourbon please. And make it a double. I sat at the bar alone for a while, drowning my sorrows and drinking my feelings. I sat close to the speakers in the hopes that the loud rock music that rang through the bar would muffle the sounds of my despair. Alas, not only did my plan fail, but the mixture of the alcohol and loud pounding bangs did nothing but make my head spin uncontrollably. I got up from the bar with my refilled beer bottle and limped over to the dartboard, staring at the blurred colors and imagining his face underneath the dart, bleeding and screaming. I knew he was there before I even saw him. I felt my heartbeat quicken and the hairs on my neck stand before he could open the door. The familiar rhythm of his walk, the rigid leather jacket, his manly colone they used to remind me of home, but they couldn t anymore. I closed my eyes and tried to control my anger and surpress the growing regret I felt that almost urged me to take him back. I turned around just in time to see him pull open the entrance door and say something to the bartender. The bartender shook his head and he ran a hand through his dark hair. I ducked and hid behind a table as he scanned the room, his bright blue eyes narrowed as if in pain. I crawled to the exit door and slid through. Outside, I checked both side of the street for me then bolted down the avenue. Once again, I was alone on the streets. The moon was the only light in the sky, street lamps muffling the stars shine. I walked a couple blocks, trying to hold back the tears but my breaths became shallower and shallower until I couldn t keep it in anymore and I broke down on
a stranger s stoop. Once the tears started, they just kept flowing and flowing until I couldn t breath anymore. How could he do this to me? I sat there for what seemed like an eternity. I don t think I stopped because I got a grip on myself, it was more like I had no more water in my body left to cry out. I sat there for a long while after I stopped crying, thinking about the meaning of it all. Was what he did an omen? A sign that I wasn t worth anything? What did my life boil down to really? It s not as if I had done much with it, I had never even left the country for God s sake? I though about the swiss blade in my jacket pocket. One slice and all this pain, this misery would just fade to darkness. Suddenly, I wasn t so afraid anymore. What are you doing? a tiny voice said from behind me. I turned around to see the cutest baby girl that has ever walked the face of the earth. She looked like she has just stepped out of the pages of a picture book, complete with the yellow raincoat, the blond hair and the red rainboots. She held a folded umbrella in one hand and a red balloon in the other, which she clenched tightly, as though holding on for dear life. I m just sitting, I guess, I replied, giving her the faintest smile. She furrowed her tiny little brows and thought really hard about something, it kind of reminded me of a mad scientist, putting together the last step of a life changing problem. Can I sit with you then? she finally answered, pouting her little lips. I shrugged, sighing. I didn t really want company, but it was her house so it wasn t like I had much of a choice. She climbed down the stairs although it took her a minute seeing that the stairs were almost as big as her. Never for a second did she release the pressure on the balloon although she dropped the umbrella six times before making it to my step.
Where s your mom? I asked. I didn t really care to know the answer, it would just keep her from asking me any. The best defense is a good offense, right? Oh, she s with daddy. We were supposed to go to the supamaket but daddy said it was gonna rain. she said. She wrinkled her forehead, realizing she had misspoke then gave up when she realized the word was not worth all the extra effort. She reached over and spread her fingers on my forehead. At first, I didn t understand what she was doing but later I realized she was trying to smooth over my forehead wrinkles. She wiped my face then stared at her wet finger in horror. Why you crying? she asked, gazing straight into my eyes. No fear that one, I quite liked her. Oh, you know. Grown up problems, I guess I sighed and placed my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees. There s no such thing as grown up problems, she said, very matter of factly. That s just what people say when they don t wanna talk about something. Why don t you wanna talk about it? I don t know someone I was really close to just hurt me and I m just trying to figure out what I did to make them do it. How s it your doing? Some people are just meanies, she stated, putting her head in her hands and mirroring my position, still holding tightly onto the balloon. PHILOMENE, VIENT ICI! screamed a female voice from inside the house. The sound of it took both of us by surprise and the girl let go of the balloon in a hurry, rushing up the stoop
with a new found determination. I caught the balloon before it flew away and held the dainty string in my hand for a couple seconds. Hey, you forgot your balloon! I shouted, extending my arm towards her with the balloon in hand. That s okay, you keep it, she said turning towards me and smiling. You need it more than me anyway. Thanks, I said, smiling back for the first time today. I ll just get a new one anyway, she replied, rushing into the house, leaving me alone in the street, watching the Detroit lights twinkle in front of me. I sat there for a while then got up and decided to go home and face him. I couldn t fix our relationship but what I could do is let go of him. I climbed into the back of a taxi and stared out of the window counting the streets left before I would be home, playing with the string attached to the red balloon in my hand. I didn t want to talk, I just wanted to get my things and get out of there. There was a time I would ve been too scared to even admit to myself the monster he was believing that if he was the only man I had found to love me and marry me, then maybe no one else ever would. Now, I knew I deserved more and the only one I had to blame was him for ruining the best thing in his life. The taxi slowed to a hault and I recognized the door to my building. I sighed, paid the taxi driver then walked to the door. All the way up the stairs, I dreamt of what I would say if he was there. The keys jingled in my hands and my fingers shook as I turn the door knob into my shabby little apartment. It was empty.
I almost screamed in joy, he wasn t there! I couldn t believe it. I ran to the closet where we kept all our empty storage boxes. I grabbed one and stuffed the red balloon inside. His deep husky voice grumbled from behind me, creating shivers all up and down my body. We need to talk. His voice took me by surprise and the sound of it pierced my bleeding heart like a newly sharpened spear. Tears flowed into my eyes but I couldn t let him see me sweat. I couldn t show him the chink in my armor, I just couldn t. I know him. That s why what he did hurt me so much. I didn t look up at him, I just kept packing my stuff into the boxes. I don t want to, I murmured. I turned around to grab my stuff from the dresser but didn t dare to look up at him, I knew I d lose my cool. I tried to dodge him but he was wider than me and blocked my exit easily. I won t let that be the way we say goodbye to each other, Alan. Heck, I won t even let us say goodbye to each other! he said, placing his hands on his hips angrily. Angry? He was angry? If he was angry at me for trying to end it, I was furious for him making me. I felt the anger in my heart build and build but I could not let it explode. Drunk and upset, now there s a stereotype for you. It has to be, I replied, daring to look at him in the eyes for the first time. His eyes stared so deeply into my soul, I thought I d drown in them. I didn t want it to be but I can t allow myself to be sucked back into a relationship with a man who doesn t even respect me. I have more appreciation for myself than that. Respect? Alan, of course I respect you! I love you! It was just an accident, a slip up. I promise, it will never happen again!
AN ACCIDENT? You call sleeping with someone else AN ACCIDENT! by this point, I couldn t contain myself anymore. All the anger, all the hurt that had built up inside me since I saw that stupid text poured out. It was as though I blacked out. My mouth kept moving and yelling but I couldn t stop it anymore. It was like watching a movie. This couldn t possibly be my life. I saw his face fall and finally took control enough to run out of the house with the couple of boxes I had had time to pack. I dove into my car that waited for me in the parking lot, loaded the boxes into the seat next to me and ignited the engine. Once on the road, I realized I had no place to go. Tears streamed down my face and I bit my lip so hard it began to bleed. Next to me, the red balloon sat still, brought down by the clothes I had stacked on top. I took it out of the box, looked at it for a second then let it fly out the window. I realized I needed to do the thing I had dreamt of doing since I met him. Mom? I need to come home.