Joshua Foster - 21834444-05018100 Page 1 Exam 050181 - Persuasive Writing Traits of Good Writing Review pages 164-169 in your study guide for a complete explanation of the rating you earned for each trait as well as references you can study to improve your writing skills. Ideas & Content The writer provided a clear thesis statement and had a clear stance on one side of the issue. There is a clear argument provided with appropriate supporting details and evidence. Organization There is a clear introduction with a thesis, body and conclusion, with body paragraphs incorporating other patterns of development coherently. Voice The writer interacts with the assigned audience using appropriate, consistent point of view, tone and evidence. Maintains a clear stance on the topic. Word Choice The writer makes correct verb and word choices, defined any terms that may have been unfamiliar, and conveyed a clear message. Grammar & Sentences The writer used correct grammar, spelling, punctuation and sentence structure. Their essay was free of any typographical errors. Format The writer met the required length (1,200-1,500 words). Used a standard font and margins. All of the required header information was present. Double spaced. Font size. File name. Exam number: 050181 Exam grade: 65% Evaluated by: JC Date of evaluation: 07/16/16 Skill Realized Skill Developing Skill Emerging 30 28 26 24 22 15 0 25 23 22 21 19 12 0 10 9 8 7 6 4 0 10 9 8 7 6 4 0 10 9 8 7 6 4 0 15 14 13 12 11 8 0 IMPORTANT NOTICE Along the right-hand side of your evaluated exam, you should see marginal or "bubble" comments from your instructor. You should also see a series of highlighted numbers in the evaluation chart identifying the rating you earned on each trait. If you don't see this feedback, click on the "View" tab and "Print Layout" or click on "Review" and the option "Final Showing Markup." If you still cannot see the feedback, please contact the school for the complete evaluation. Not Shown REQUIRED RETAKE INSTRUCTIONS ENG100: 050181 Argument Student name: Joshua Foster Student number: 21834444 Topic: Persuade a family member that the world was better fifty years ago. Grade: 65% Date: 07/16/16 Evaluator: JC Dear Joshua,
Joshua Foster - 21834444-05018100 Page 2 Unfortunately, you earned a failing grade on this first-attempt submission. According to the Academic Policies in the Penn Foster Student Handbook, you must prepare a retake submission. Since the goal of this course is to help you improve your writing, you will continue working with your current submission (same topic), completely revising and editing it at all levels. Merely applying the instructor s corrections in grammar, spelling, or format will not show sufficient evidence that you have improved your skill level and so will not result in a change to your grade. Review these textbook page references as well as Chapters 16-17 and the study-unit discussions related to writing an argument essay. The following are key revisions you must make to ensure a passing grade on your retake. If you do not understand how to rewrite your essay in order to accomplish these goals, please contact the school. Purpose: Write to convince one of your family members that the world is better today than fifty years ago or your boss that you deserve advancement. Appropriately express your feelings about your position, being considerate of your disagreeing audience (608-611). Strong thesis: State a specific thesis which narrows your focus to a particular way the world is better (or type of advancement you seek), establishes a particular claim something with which your family member or boss would disagree, and gives your primary reasons (559, 593-594, 606-607, 610). Effective introduction: Charmingly draw your disagreeing audience into this volatile issue, establish common ground, provide any needed background information, and include your thesis (595, 614). Tone: Use a friendly, non-threatening tone (avoid being dogmatic, harsh, sterile) and consistently maintain first-person pronoun use (595, 598-599, 614). Well-developed reasons and evidence: Using a logical line of reasoning without fallacies, provide specific evidence to support your claim and explain the relevance/value of each reason as well as the evidence in relation to your thesis (560-561, 574-577, 596-598, 611, 613-615). Appeal to the needs and values of your boss or family member (561, 598-599). Recognize their opposing views by acknowledging, accommodating, or refuting (562, 599, 611-612). Satisfying conclusion: Provide a positive final impression for your audience related to your claim, including its significance or broader implications that are personally relevant for your family member or boss, not you (562, 615). Editing and proofreading: Please be certain to include this set of instructions with your retake submission, or there may be a problem completing your evaluation. For electronic submissions, copy and paste them at the beginning of your retake document. As part of your file name, include Retake after your last name. Then submit your retake essay for grading. Best wishes on your retake, Instructor Penn Foster College
Joshua Foster - 21834444-05018100 Page 3 The year 1966 was an eventful year that has been better than the current year of 2016. From continuing fights in Vietnam to Martin Luther King Jr opens opening his campaign for more black rights to what has changed since then. Back then the world was a different place than it is today and in 1966 the world was different it may not have been better than the current year but it had less problems. In 1962 the US entered the Vietnam War even though the north part of Vietnam won but the involvement made an impact for years to come. In the year 1966 the US sent more soldiers over to Vietnam to help free them from communism. Since 2001 when the World Trade towers and the Pentagon was attacked we are on in a war with terrorism and trying to make the whole world a safer place. Back then it was about making sure that no one was the same and was getting oppressed. Wars are going to happen in any country even here in the US but if the fight is worth the effort it should be done. Back then when the president sent our troops overseas to fight in the war they Commented [JC1]: The wording is confusing. Commented [JC2]: Begin a new sentence to avoid confusion. Commented [JC3]: Missing punctuation. Commented [JC4]: You establish your position, but you need a clear thesis; I believe the world is better today. You also need to introduce the audience; a family member who does not agree with your position. You should be speaking directly to the audience. The audience is missing. Commented [JC5]: Incorrect agreement. Commented [JC6]: What was? The pronoun it has no clear antecedent. To what does it refer? Commented [JC7]: The wording is confusing. Commented [JC8]: Missing comma. Commented [JC9]: Missing capitalization. believed that they were trying to make the world a better place. Today we have a president who is focused on having less troops in other countries to protect country from any threat to make his health care bill keep going. In 1966 and every year that the war was going on there was many protests to stop the war and for troops to pull out. Today there is constant fights about going in and stopping people who is oppressing people and keeping the world safe instead of back then when the country wanted everyone to Commented [JC10]: Missing capitalization. Commented [JC11]: Missing words. Commented [JC12]: Can you support this claim? Commented [JC13]: Missing punctuation. Commented [JC14]: Incorrect agreement. Commented [JC15]: Incorrect agreement. Commented [JC16]: Incorrect agreement. be home and safe. Even when the war ended there was still debate on why we decided to enter a war we may not have won. The answer was simple we were trying to give Vietnam the best for its country which was make it into a democracy like the US.
Joshua Foster - 21834444-05018100 Page 4 Instead it was a lost cause which does not mean it did not have an impact on the world. It showed the world that even the US makes a mistake and back then that was a big deal. Today if country or person makes a mistake it is not look at as a growth experience it is looked as big failure on that country or leader. 1966 was the year of events for the Black community and getting equal rights speaker Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was one of the people who made an influence on what people think. Even though he started fighting for black rights prior to 1966 till his Commented [JC17]: The essay contains many errors in grammar and usage. Commented [JC18]: The purpose is to argue why the world today is better than 1966. Instead you are just comparing the military endeavors. Commented [JC19]: Never begin a sentence with a numeral. death in 1968 after being assassinated he fought what he believed in and did not let other change his opinion. Today most people honor his birthday because of what he stood for. But back then his birthday was just another day for most people. Even though the world that Dr. King was in was a bad world it was not filled with war and everyone Commented [JC20]: Once again, instead of explaining why life is better today or fifty years ago, you are recounting historical events. Commented [JC21]: Avoid beginning a sentence with a conjunction. worrying about who is going to attack who at any giving moment. The biggest worry he had to worry about was getting his people their rights to vote, to sit anywhere on a bus, or to even go to school with a white person. Today in the world everyone in America is Commented [JC22]: Now there is an argument. worried about what person is going to take a gun into a school, a government building, or if a plane is going to go down and kill a bunch of people as well destroying buildings. Yes there was problems in the world in 1966 but they were managed by their own countries with some help from other first world countries. Prior to 1966 Dr. King made a speech later known as the I have a Dream speech. This speech describes a nation that he wants for everyone in the country not necessary the world but it could happen if the world wants it. That speech defines a great era because it shows that people wants the world to change. Changes today do not happen like that and anything that is said is Commented [JC23]: PARAGRAPHING: The basic rule of thumb with paragraphing is to keep one idea to one paragraph. If you begin to transition into a new idea, it belongs in a new paragraph. There are some simple ways to tell if you are on the same topic or a new one. You can have one idea and several bits of supporting evidence within a single paragraph. You can also have several points in a single paragraph as long as they relate to the overall topic of the paragraph. If the single points start to get long, then perhaps elaborating on each of them and placing them in their own paragraphs is the route to go.
Joshua Foster - 21834444-05018100 Page 5 constantly is scrutinized and over analyzed by media. When speeches are made today they mainly for that person making the speech and what they feel about the situation that they think should happen. There is very rarely anything that is pure feeling on how something should be unless it is a tragedy that has happened recently like a bombing or a shooting nothing really gets done about it. Unlike in the 1966 when something happened it was a big deal and the person or people who were involved was found and brought to justice within a few hours to a few days. With all the changes the world has gone through throughout the world does not mean it is a better place. With everything that is happening especially here at home with all the gun violence and in the world with planes disappearing and people strapping bombs to themselves to blow up places makes it unsafe. 1966 was not a safe place either but stuff that is happening now was not as bad as it was today. Like back in June at the Florida Gay club where the Muslim Manteen decided to go in and shot other Commented [JC24]: This is contradictory. Commented [JC25]: For example country men because they were different and they did not believe in what he thought. Groups like ISIS and others have been popping up since the first Bush administration and has been growing in power since then. Everything that is going wrong is not always one person or groups or even one countries fault. Also in 1966 the only thing they had Commented [JC26]: Who are they? was television, radio, and phones. There was no email no cell phones no social media for people to keep track of everything. Letters was the only way to get things around to people and companies. With the change of the technology has brought planning of Commented [JC27]: There were telephones. threats up tenfold and there really is no way to stop it because the internet is a fast changing world. Gone are the days when something needed to be changed there was
Joshua Foster - 21834444-05018100 Page 6 protests and demonstrations today it is done online where millions can see it yes but it does not get the attention it deserves. Back then it was a big deal if there was a protest and the news stations were all over it and it was television in that area. Now days if there is a protest it is usually meet with comments that it sometimes does not deserve. In 1966 everything was different from how protests were done. Everything that Dr. King fought for as well that the men and women fought for in Vietnam made the world better for us for a time until people decided that we deserved something more that necessarily does not mean it was better for the country. There really is no argument that 1966 was a better place to be in then 2016 since the only thing people were concerned with was space, Vietnam, and Black Rights here in the US. Commented [JC28]: The essay presents a few arguments but was mostly focused on the details historical events instead of why one time period is better than another. There was no audience established. The essay contains numerous errors in grammar usage and mechanics. This interferes with the meaning of your words. The sentences are very confusing and the meaning is not clear. For help with writing difficulties please visit the Resource Links for English Composition at http://lessons.pennfoster.com/modules/eng100/resources. html