LIVE IN CONFIDENCE Stop and Reflect Understanding your self reflection and core values. By Becky Shaffer - Youth Life Coach - Adult Life Coach LOGO
TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction 2 Chapter 1: Stop and Reflect 5 Chapter 2: Who am I and What Makes me Happy 18 Who Am I 29 f t in
Introduction My mission is to shine the light on those corners in my client s lives where their true essence is hiding. I have always felt a purpose to help people live meaningful and prosperous lives. By uncovering your passion, you can move from struggle to ease. Life has not always been easy. As a survivor of childhood physical and sexual abuse, it wasn t easy to see the light shine. As a teenager I struggled with my identity and insecurities. I was always on a quest to find meaning to my life which started early. I became aware that there was so much more out there in life, than what I was living as a child. I wanted out of my circumstances and I didn t want to make these circumstances paving my future. 2 www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
As an adult the sudden death of my brother to cancer opened my eyes to the fact that we live one short life. My brother died in my arms, it was the saddest yet most peaceful event in my life. It was also an eye opener that if one is unhappy, change it. Get up in the morning and be excited with what you are doing in your life. We spend too much of our life not waking up happy. I was one waking up dreading my day ahead Until I made changes. I wasn t a life coach then, I didn t have the tools to help me with a plan and I questioned myself and stayed in situations longer than I ever should have. From abuse, to living in a Children s Home, to the death of my brother I have lived your struggle. No matter the struggle, we will uncover your passion and purpose and take the steps to build a prosperous life. As a single mom for eight years and now the amazing addition of 2 step sons, I get the struggle. 3 www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
After a 19 year teaching career, I found my true calling--- to use my experience from teaching and working with kids and parents and my childhood to help people uncover their passion, purpose and growth of selfesteem. My experiences were very difficult times of my life, but I wouldn t trade them for anything. They were the catalyst for the growth in my life. I was able to put my wings on and fly. With my insight and training, I went on to become a Certified Professional Life Coach. Together we will build your confidence and give your life more meaning and you too will put those wings on and fly. 4 Free 30 Minute Live in Confidence Session
Chapter One Take Time To Stop and Self-Reflect BECKY SHAFFER Youth Life Coach/Life Coach & Author www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
Sometimes The Bad Things That Happen In Our Lives, Help Us Grow So We Can Discover The Path To The Best Things That Will Ever Happen To Us. -Becky Shaffer 6
Take Time To Stop and Reflect I have always looked at my life as a direction I get to choose. Of course as a child, you have to follow your parents direction and you are pretty much stuck on their road until you are old enough to realize that your decision on which road and which direction you take is all up to you. Too many times we allow circumstances to be our excuse and too many times as human nature, we just continue the generation after generation path and get stuck. I always think, how do I want to live before I die, and that question has a simple answer. HAPPY! Happy can stand for many things. Friends, family, career, the love of your life, but even being happy, life throws us a curve ball. Sometimes that curve ball hits us hard in the gut and recovering from that hit can take time. I have been there, and I have had several curve balls. Choosing your own adventure in life isn t about jumping from curve balls and it isn t about playing defense against bad things happening. It s forgiving and it s about having the courage to step forward and truly trying the adventurous things you ve always wanted to do. www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com 7
When that curve ball hits you over and over again, it is time to find a new way and possibly a new road. No matter your age or your years in your current situation it is never too late. I am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse. I don t really like the word survivor or victim for that matter. These words can t express what happened and the devastation sexual and physical abuse enacted on my heart. I like the word BRAVE. It is brave to walk away from something like this, it is brave to forgive and it is brave to want to reach out, share my story and help others who are walking the path I have walked for so many years. For many years I struggled to develop close personal relationships, I had panic attacks, low self-esteem, I made horrible decisions and I had no idea what self-accountability was, but I was a great athlete so for me, turning to sports was my medication. My happy place was at a practice or in a book and that was the only control I had in my life. At that time! I existed and I pushed as much as deep inside of me as I could. I am here to tell you, it always comes back up my friend. Our stories always come out in our actions and at some point they have to be dealt with. 8 www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
I ve experienced profound healing. It didn t happen passively or quickly. I had to WANT it, pursue it. I had to stop shoving it deep down inside of me and bringing my story into the light helped me heal which today helps me help others. Life is about accomplishing what matters to you. It is about what gets you up in the morning and setting the goals you want to achieve. I look back at my life and I like a lot of what I see, but I also don t like a lot either. I take the don t like and think about the ways to make it positive. I try to turn them to a positive to help others. I can look back and like the way I handled most things, the reputation I gained at work as a teacher and as a life coach, the friends I have made in my life and most of all I find my life is about liking the difference I have made in so many others. My story is about not waiting. Don t hit your 40 s or 50 s and decide it is time to live your life. Choose as you go because every moment of every day counts. We get one chance at this and that thought has kept me moving forward in so many faucets of my life. I can sit here and say I am a victim, because I am a victim But I prefer survivor and I prefer not only a survivor but a role model and an inspiration to anyone who shares my story. 9 Free 30 minute Live in Confidence Session
You are amazing, you are something Life is about accomplishing what matters to you. It is about what gets you up in the morning and setting the goals you want to achieve. I look back at my life and I like a lot of what I see, but I also don t like a lot either. I take the don t like and think about the ways to make it positive. I try to turn them to a positive to help others. I can look back and like the way I handled most things, the reputation I gained at work as a teacher and as a life coach, the friends I have made in my life and most of all I find my life is about liking the difference I have made in so many others. My story is about not waiting. Don t hit your 40 s or 50 s and decide it is time to live your life. Choose as you go because every moment of every day counts. We get one chance at this and that thought has kept me moving forward in so many faucets of my life. I can sit here and say I am a victim, because I am a victim But I prefer survivor and I prefer not only a survivor but a role model and an inspiration to anyone who shares my story. 10 www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
Thankfully, I have had some role models in my life that have been instrumental to my life at my hardest moments. In middle school, I had a teacher that checked on me each day. She knew I was struggling and each day she gave up her free time to pull me out of class and talk with me. We discussed my goals and a life that will be better than my current if I worked hard, got my grades up and continued my success as an athlete. At this time in my life I was hanging with the wrong crowd at school and I was dealing with the secret I was holding deep inside of the sexual abuse. I hated school mainly because of the kids and life just sucked. In reflection this was the crossroad where my life could have gone in either direction. I could have continued on the road of self-destruction or I could get my grades up, choose better friends and set a goal to get to college on a sports scholarship. I chose to quit school, which I don t recommend. I went home, looked at my Mom and said I never want to go back to that school again.i hated getting made fun of, I hated the group of kids I was associated with and I hated that everyone knew I was from an abusive, welfare family. No matter what I did or the changes I would make, these classmates had their cliques and I was of the age and in a small farm school where there was no changing of the label you were given. 11 30 Minute Live In Confidence Session
Kids are mean! I am not sure this is looked at as a positive, but again, another reflection looking back it turned out positive. I enrolled in Ashland High School. It was HUGE from my tiny class of 85 to a class of nearly 400. I was a number and NO ONE knew me. I completed my freshman year at Ashland. My Mom had to give guardianship of me to a friend of hers so I could attend school. The following summer my Mom, my sister and I moved into Ashland right before my sophomore year. This was that new road I chose and I had the support to do so. I was 16 and had no clue the positives that would come out of this. I just knew something had to change. There is nothing wrong with choosing a new road. What is hard to getting unstuck from what your used to. It s almost a comfort zone, but don t get a bad comfortable, allow yourself to feel a good comfortable. We all want to fit in. We all want to be loved and not judged. This was my new beginning. 12
I remember walking into the gym that summer before my sophomore year and wanting to play volleyball. I was cut he year before at my old High School. I was good, I knew I was good, but my reputation sadly got me cut from the team. Tryouts had already taken place, but athletic looking and 5 9, the coach was all about giving me a chance. She had no idea on that day that she was going to have such an impact in altering my entire life. Not only did I make the team, but I made varsity, and I made lifelong friends that I still have to this day. That year I made first team All-Conference. The first Volleyball player in 12 years to earn that award from Ashland High School. Do you ever have that feeling that you want to turn around and stick out your middle finger at someone. That is kind of how I felt about the coach that cut me. NOW she could see that I was only human. Life was wholesome and all because I chose the road to success. It wasn t easy by any means because this is the year I started to deal with my sexual abuse. This is the year my dad finally started to get questioned by the police and my official counseling started so I could deal with years of abuse. 13 30 minute Live In Confidence Session
Dealing with the abuse that I buried deep inside for years is the most pain I have ever felt in my life. I was lost. I was hurt. I wanted to run away and never come back. Running was not the answer, but facing the pain head on was. I had no clue how to do this, but I had a lot of good people surrounding me. I hit a very low point in my life. Why me? Why did he do this? Now People will find out? What will happen to my Mom? What will happen to me? All his years of threats bombarded my head and I was scared. I tried to commit suicide, my stomach was pumped and that is a night I will never forget. I hurt my family so much by this and their faces were an image I will forget. Trying to take your own life is such an easy way out. People do not realize those around you that feel your pain. My Mom lives to this day knowing what my dad did, and there is nothing she can do about it. It wasn t her fault, but as a parent and now being a parent myself, we want to protect our kids from any and all pain in this world. When you don t protect them, there is a feeling of failure. 14 www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
My volleyball coach was not only a coach that year and for the next two, She was also a mentor and somewhat my life line. We would run together at night and talk about my goals with college and sports. I confided in her about my abuse and she was such an instrumental role in me wanting to be a somebody in life. I can t say enough about these two teachers and coaches I had in a pivotal point in my life. My coach was pretty cut and dry. She was always saying, you have to suck this up and move forward. But she always listened and she was there. It is so important to have that one person in your life that you can trust and confide in. Recently we reached out to each other. Facebook is a great source. For her, she has watched me grow up. She watched me get married, divorced, and she is watching me raise two boys. She knew my struggle and after 20 years we are peers, yet have this deep respect for each other. While writing this ebook, I let her know that she was such an important part in my life and I thanked her. She also let me know that I taught her as much as she taught me back then. It is great to hear others see you as an amazing role model and respect you for that. Thank you Missy! I also know that I am a Missy to so many of my former students and I have to tell you, it feels damn good to know that the bad ended with so much goodness. 15 30 Minute Live in Confidence Session
Being a mentor has been a natural gift, I went on to college and majored in Education. For 19 years, I was not only a teacher, but I was a life coach to so many kids and parents. The stories and situations are heart breaking, but I have been able to share my story with so many kids and I have guided them to success stories that bring happy tears to my eyes. I have been so fortunate to be able to follow my passion to help kids, parents and families because of my circumstances. I have learned, gained knowledge and survived with courage. I am a mom of 2 sons and 2 stepsons. I will encourage you to follow your dreams and coach you to be the best you can be. At Any Given Moment, You Have The Power To Say: This Is Not How My Story Is Going To End. -unknown 16 www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
You can do one of two things.you can be the victim to circumstances or you can have accountability for your life. Recognizing your current reality is step one and together in our coaching sessions we will get you there. It s like owning a house verses renting a house. An owner takes pride in their yard and their house and if you look at a rental you will not see as much pride. Owning your reality is the same, you have to own it to want it. Reflection Awareness for change is step one. If you never change and therefore your life never changes, is this okay with you? Are you satisfied? 17 Free 30 minute Live In Confidence Session
Chapter Two Who Am I and What Makes Me Happy? I do not exist to impress the world. I exist to live my life in a way that will make me happy. Ritu Ghatourey BECKY SHAFFER Youth Life Coach/Life Coach & Author www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
Who Am I And What Makes Me Happy? Who am I and what makes me happy seems to be a common question. Of course over all we know who we are, or do we? Are we happy? We have moments in life that we are happy and we have people that make us happy, but are we truly happy with the course our life has taken or is taking? It took the loss of everything I thought defined me and made me happy to admit to myself that I honestly wasn t happy at all. I had to ask myself, who am I? What do I believe in? What is my purpose? What fills me with joy and wonder? These are questions that I had to ask myself and I have to admit that getting to the answers was extremely difficult. The hardest part for me was just knowing where to begin. After a couple meditative vacations, some self-reflection and a lot of reading, I had to ask myself questions that served as my wings to begin my journey of happiness. 19 liveinconfidence@gmail.com
The biggest question I had to ask myself was how do I start over after a 19 year career? My career defined me and I think that is where we sometimes can get stuck. We allow our jobs, our family and our past life to define us. For me, it was a career I wasn t ready to let go of yet or was I? I had stability, I had dreams, I had goals, and I was also comfortable. BUT, I was also miserable. I had to ask myself this question What or who would I be if I knew I couldn t fail? Take a moment below and write your dream. What or who would you be today if you could not fail? 20 www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
Next, think about the things in your life that you are NOT happy with today. Perhaps it is who you are as a person or what you do for a living. Or maybe it is a relationship or just the decisions you have made. What are 5 things that DO NOT make you happy? 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Think about why these things do not make you happy and think about what you have control over and what you don t. Traffic in Columbus, Ohio doesn t make me happy, but I have no control so that is not going to be the first thing I work on. A job, a relationship, a relationship with your kids, a relationship with your parents, friends - we have some control in those. In your journal or on a piece of paper, write one of the things down that doesn t make you happy. Once you have done that, write down what you know in your heart are the things you need to do to get rid of or the steps you need to take to make your unhappiness a happy. Sometimes just seeing this in writing is a huge eye opener. Now complete this for all five that you have written down. www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com 21
22 We all know there is a lot of positive in our life as well. Sadly, we tend to make a longer list of things that don t make us happy versus what does make us happy. Make a list below on three things that make you happy. Not people.i could say my Sons make me happy, but truly, being a Mom makes me happy beyond words. Of course my kids make me happy as well, but what defines me in this happy place is I am a Mom. Three things that make me happy: 1. 2. 3. It is so important to look at the good we have in our life. If we don t, we will get sucked into that black hole of negativity and no one will want to be around you. I was in that black hole of negativity and it was awful. I lacked the ability to see what was good around me, including being a mom, because I allowed the bad that was happening in my life to take over any good that was there. I was not a pleasant person to be around and emotionally I was not a healthy person. It just hit me one day and I asked myself, who have I become? www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com
Does this job and career truly have this much control over my happiness? I knew I had to make changes, and that is the hardest step. It took courage I never knew existed inside of me to get out of this black hole. I just have that thought that we get one life. Each day that passes is gone, it is never coming back and what I do with today matters. I want memories, good memories and I want to be happy. The Process and Personal Values While going through this process myself, I had to ask myself what my personal values were. What was important to me to believe in and the things that were important in the way I lived my life. Once I was able to determine exactly what my values were, I was able to determine my priorities. One value was my well-being - physical/emotional/mental and spiritual. I was far from emotionally healthy as I was getting criticized daily by my own boss which was affecting my physical and emotional health. It took a toll on me for two years. Another personal value was family. Because I was not emotionally healthy, I was not doing the best I could with my kids. Lastly was my integrity. Just by understanding that these three main values in my life were not healthy, I knew I needed to make a change. I was scared but it has been the best change in my life. And that change gave me the wings to fly and become a Life Coach. No one can take away your integrity no matter what road you are traveling. 23
From this list of personal values, choose five that most reflect you, then complete the chart below. Accountability fairness leadership risk-taking family safety achievement control Courage creativity clarity integrity personal growth wellbeing wisdom caution caring ambition balance (home/work) (home/school) being liked clarity community involvement compassion ethics trust job security independence adaptability vision reliability health independence perseverance personal fulfillment www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com 24
From the 5 values you chose, what 3 would you like to live more fully? What actions, and behaviors do you already demonstrate to support this value? What could you do to start better supporting this value? What could you start doing to help you demonstrate this value fully? 1. 2. 3. www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com 25
Once I nailed down my main personal values, I was able to make my decision on my transformation that would make me happy. I can t say it was easy and by no mean is there an easy answer as each person is different. My biggest change in my life came from revisiting my dreams and aspirations that I had long ago put on the back burner. I was stuck with a stable job, security, a good pay check and honestly I loved my job. However I was a victim of on the job bullying and the job I loved was no longer making me happy. My dreams of writing about my life, sharing my story, living my passion of helping you and being more present with my children have me focusing in the right direction. I never knew my direction in life was to simply look inside myself, but once I allowed that look, I have been able to change direction in my life to a positive. Values in our life can be positive or negative. For example, honesty, trust and accountability are positives values, whereas blame, manipulation, lying and revenge are limiting values and these are called fear based beliefs. When our behavior is out of alignment with what is important to us, we lack authenticity. Through this process, I had a good friend tell me, Becky, people can take a lot away from you, but NO ONE can take away your character or your integrity. www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com 26
Those words really hit home and it was an Aaha moment for me. Today, I find my focus on making a positive difference for people like you and being able to write from my experiences. Do not allow fears to hold you back. It takes time. It took me two difficult years to realize that I had fears, but I also wasn t taking care of my basic needs to be a healthy person. You can respond and adapt to any situation in life, but adapting to an unhappy is not the ultimate goal. Find a quiet place to allow yourself to self-reflect and go though and really think about each question from your graph. This will allow you to begin your journey. You might not be able to change directions yet, but you can begin and create new dreams or rediscover dreams you left behind. I do know that once I looked at my personal values, I was able to rid the negative dialogue with-in myself that stopped me from making changes. I got rid of the what if and started saying I will and today I am limitless on all that I can become in my future. I haven t looked back since. Once you start living for your purpose you will seek our authentic self and growth will start. Understanding your own values indicate that you want to NOT be afraid and motivate yourself to be the better you. We all get stuck in a rut, we all need to take a time out and really look at things. www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com 27
The hardest journey in life is finding yourself and finding what you stand for. The next hardest is believing in yourself without questioning. Life is limited and once we spend a day, it s gone forever and we can never get that back. Start investing your time in ways that make you happy. When I took this time for myself, I lit up like a fire cracker. I got a new birth of passion, courage and put one foot in front of the other and moved forward. Now it s time for you to move forward. Live in Confidence!! www.beckyshafferliveinconfidence.com 28
Who I AM Life is full of lessons! Some are out of your control and some are very hurtful. It is how you move forward that shows the world your true self! BECKY SHAFFER Live In Confidence A survivor, a Mom, and an amazing 19 year teaching career, I am using my experience to continue my passion in working with adolescents, parents and adults to inspire with a little guidance, help and motivation. Together we will work through your road blocks and find your passion and sense of direction in life. You will choose the right path to meet the desired goals in your life. I am a certified Youth and Life Coach. I work with adolescents, families and parents. With my experience and training I can get you to your potential. Having a since of direction and being able to reflect on your life is imperative to growth. I found my true calling 29 Free 30 Minute Live In Confidence Session
Live In Confidence Becky Shaffer www.beckyshafferliveinconfidene.com liveinconfidence@gmail.com f t in