Reflective Listening: Hospitality of the Heart Reflective Listening Refresh our belief in the power of reflective listening to heal and to motivate. Touch into the wisdom of the Rule of St. Benedict as a common sense guide for daily spiritual practices and balanced living Images, like symbols, can have deeper layers of meaning Images can touch us emotionally, give us a feel about what we are learning Images can touch our hearts. 1
Definitions of reflective : to think, ponder, or meditate: Contemplation: A long, loving look at the real. Definitions of reflective : capable of reflecting: a reflective surface Definitions of reflective : to cast back (light, heat, sound, etc.) from a surface: 2
Definitions of reflective : to give back or show an image. Latin reflectere: to bend back, flectere = to bend; re= back What do these visual images suggest about listening? Smooth and calm reflects better Clear reflects better Deep reflects better 3
My not so good experience of listening My not so good experience of listening What s your experience? How do you use listening in your work? A time when good listening happened? A time when good listening didn t happen? 4
Smooth surface vs. rough surface Good listening is smooth, even surfaced... Be aware of the environment Let your emotions settle. Let your thoughts slow down. Open surface Calmness Hospitality Counseling skills 101 Listening and paraphrasing Make sure you hear what the person is saying; without analyzing ll li O i f i All Feelings are OK great information Validate logic Not the time for advice 5
Clear reflects better Good listening is clear/clarifies Check for meaning? Check for assumptions; what s the picture behind the words? Deal with ihor contain your own stuff Know where you are, speak from an I position Don t project... Projecting 6
Deep reflects better Good listening can go deep. Acceptance creates a safe space for self revelation. Acceptance versus affirmation Courage to be vulnerable Have you shared? If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead Good listening can go deep. I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship. Brené Brown 7
Good listening can go deep. Good listening helps people reach deeper inside themselves, and discover things they didn t know were there. Good listening is creative. A good listener can help the speaker hear and name new insights with gentle suggestions. Good listening can go deep. Say more about that... I wonder if... Is that kind of like... As I listen to you, I m feeling... When you say that, I get this picture in my head... What is your experience of being listened to in a way that was healing? h d i f llik h i ll What does it feel like when someone in really listening to you? 8
Reflective Listening is Respectful, Non judgmental late Middle English: from Latin respectus, from the verb respicere look back at, regard, from re back + specere look at. To respect means to look at again, to look at more deeply, to go beyond initial judgments. You can t judge a book by its cover Listen with your eyes. Communication is only 21% words. Avera values Hospitality: The encounters of Jesus with each person were typified by openness and mutuality. A welcoming presence, an attentiveness to needs, and a gracious manner, seasoned with a sense of humor, are expressions of hospitality in and by the Avera community. Avera values Compassion: The compassion of Jesus, especially for the poor and the sick of body and spirit, shapes the manner in which health care is delivered by Avera's employees, physicians, administrators, volunteers and sponsors. Compassionate caring is expressed through sensitive listening and responding, understanding, support, patience and healing touch. 9
Spirituality of Listening St. Benedict: Listen carefully, my child, to the master s instructions, and attend to them with the ear of your heart. Audire (Latin) to hear To obey (from the Latin ob audire, to "hear or listen to") Spirituality of Listening Psalm 95: If today you hear God s voice, harden not your hearts. Psalm 51: Create in me a clean heart, O Lord. A Listening Heart 10
A Listening Heart aural --au ral - adjective of or relating to the ear or the sense of hearing. "aural anatomy au ric u lar (ô-rky-lr)adj. 1. Of or relating to the sense of hearing or the organs of hearing. 2. Perceived by or spoken into the ear: an auricular confession. 3. Shaped like an ear or an earlobe; having earlike parts or extensions. 4. Of or relating to an auricle of the heart: auricular fibrillation. Benedict on Hospitality Chapter 53: All guests who present themselves are to be welcomed as Christ, for he himself will say: I was a stranger and you welcomed me (Matt. 25:35). We make space, time, and provide food and drink for guests. How do we make space in our hearts for the guests, the stranger, the needy? A Listening Heart is... An open heart, a free heart A Hospitable heart A compassionate heart 11
Looking more deeply... How well do we know what is in our hearts? Listen to your own heart... Stethoscope your own heart Open Heart Open heart First of all are we aware of the shape our heart is? Do you know what is in your heart? What are the motivations deep within us? Many time we can do the right thing for the wrong reason? Is there a tightness in our heart, a resentment, a lack of forgiveness? Do we have rigid boundaries in our heart? Defenses, Building a wall around our hearts Is our heart open to the people God might place in our lives who need our love? Who need us to be an instrument of God s love for us? Are we open to knowing that we need to receive love from others? Vulnerability Peeling off the layers who are we at the core? (cor = heart) 12
Brené Brown Our stories are not meant for everyone. Hearing them is a privilege, and we should always ask ourselves this before we share: "Who has earned the right to hear my story?" If we have one or two people in our lives who can sit with us and hold space for our shame stories, and love us for our strengths and struggles, we are incredibly lucky. If we have a friend, or small group of friends, or family who embraces our imperfections, vulnerabilities, and power, and fills us with a sense of belonging, we are incredibly lucky. Compunction Compunction A punctured heart Being aware of our wounds Yet containing our own pain An Open, Free Heart Brene Brown on the open heart: Until we can receive with an open heart, we're never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving ii help, hl we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help. And who wants to be helped from an I m better than you position? 13
A Compassionate Heart Compassion knowing your darkness well enough that you are able to sit in the darkness with others. Not needing to flip on the light (tosay everything isbetter, making light of their pain) when someone tells us about their pain (Pema Chodra, Buddist nun) The wise heart has scars and bandages Open Mind Open mind a phrase we use more commonly Are we open to new ideas? If we observe ourselves carefully, do you find that the ideas you resist are the ones that would cause you to grow and change? To do something differently? Are we open to growing? Is there something inside us that only feels safe if things are a certain way, the way things always were, the way they used to be? Are we alive? Do we want to learn? Open Mind What if God might call us to do something new for His people? Do we believe in a God who loves us so much that He might surprise us? 14
Open Body Body Language not defensive SOFTEN Smile (or appropriate facial expression) Open Forward Touch Eye Contact Nod or appropriate bodily response Are you aware of tension in your body? Use your breath to be in touch with your body Open Spirit Listening, Open ness is a way of life, a spirituality Open Spirit Requires trust in God s ever present goodness That all is gift That good comes out of everything (God writes straight with crooked lines) Some of this comes with the wisdom of age that God hasn t abandoned us in the past, and will not ever abandon us. An attitude of gratitude My images Listen with the ear of your heart Open heart Deep breathing Open hands Feeling flow through me I m aware, but don t hold on 15
Focus or Diffuse Awareness? Being in the present. Mindfulness practice Centering prayer Yoga Vulnerability One of the greatest barriers to connection is the cultural importance we place on "going it alone." Somehow we've come to equate success with not needing anyone. Many of us are willing to extend a helping hand, but we're very reluctant to reach out for help when we need it ourselves. It's as if we've divided the world into "those who offer help" and "those who need help." The truth is that we are both. Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Reflection What are the things that close you off from being a good listener? What are the things that distract you from being a good listener? 16
Reflection What does it feel like inside you when you are listening well? Find the words and images that describe that to yourself. Might these words/images/feelings help trigger you into a listening stance? Compassion is not a virtue it is a commitment. It's not something we have or don't have it's something we choose to practice. Brené Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame Bibilography Dorothy J. Becvar and Raphael S. Becvar, Pragmatics of Human Relationships (1998, Geist and Russell) Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are Radical Hospitality Homan& Pratt Wisdom Distilled from the Daily Chittister 17
Bibilography Heart Whispers by Elizabeth Canham 18