St Mary s Parish News Section 4 The Lighter Side of life February 2018 Bubba s BBQ Each Friday night after work, Bubba would fire up his outdoor grill and cook venison steak. But all of Bubba's neighbours were Catholic, and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating red meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest. The priest came to visit Bubba and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass. The priest sprinkled holy water over him and said, "You were born a Baptist and raised as a Baptist, but now you are Catholic." Bubba's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighbourhood. The priest was called immediately by the neighbours. As the priest rushed into Bubba's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement. There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water, which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat while chanting, "You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you are a catfish."
Editor: With Mothering Sunday in mind... Why God made mums These were the answers given by some seven year-olds... Why did God make mothers? 1. She's the only one who knows all the passwords we use online. 2. Mostly to clean the house, I think. 3. To help us out of there when we were getting born. How did God make mothers? 1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us. 2. I ve heard it was some amazing experiment on men that got out of hand. 3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts. What ingredients are mothers made of? 1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and one part of mean. 2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think. 3. They have a lot more hair than dads, are softer to hug, and wear woolly jumpers. Why did God give you to your mother, and not to some other mum? 1. We're related. 2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other kids mums like me. 3. Other mums wouldn t understand about me being afraid in the dark. What kind of little girl was your mum? 1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff. 2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy. 3. They say she used to be nice. What did your mum need to know about your dad before she married him? 1. His last name. 2. She had to know his background, like has he put anything too disgusting on Facebook? 3. She needed to check out his bank account, to make sure he could buy her clothes.
Why did your mum marry your dad? 1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot. 2. She got too old to do anything else with him. 3. My grandma says that no one will ever know. Who's the boss at your house? 1. Dad is, because mum says so. She just helps by reminding him what to do each day. 2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed. 3. Dad was, until Mum found what he had written on Facebook about Granny. What's the difference between mums & dads? 1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work. 2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them. 3. Dads are taller and stronger, but they panic when the dishwasher overflows. What does your mum do in her spare time? 1. She takes my brother to football and my sister to violin lessons. 2. To hear her tell it, it s like she pays bills all day long. 3. I think that must happen during the night, because then she just lies there and sleeps. What would it take to make your mum perfect? 1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery. 2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue. 3. She would understand why the dog needs to sleep with me at night. If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be? 1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that. 2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me. 3. She d be more relaxed about me not doing my homework.
Young and old A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult, while the adults are out acting like teenagers. Have you ever considered that... ~ A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead. ~ A narrow mind and a wide mouth usually go together. ~ A penny saved is a ridiculous waste of time. ~ A stitch in time would have confused Einstein. ~ No woman ever shot a man while he was doing dishes. ~ Some doctors are eye, ear, nose, throat and wallet specialists. ~ We need to save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate. ~ Some people have a way with words, others not have way. It helps Laughter is like changing a baby's nappy: it doesn't permanently solve any problems, but it makes things more acceptable for awhile. Daily prayer Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth. Hereafter The minister came to see me the other day. He said that at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him, "Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am - in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement - I ask myself, 'Now, what am I here after?'"
Palm Sunday visit It was Palm Sunday, but because of a sore throat, five-year-old Bobby stayed home from church with a baby-sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying several palm fronds. Bobby asked them what they were for. People held them over Jesus' head as he walked by, his father told him. Bobby was aghast. I don t believe it! The one Sunday I don't go, and he shows up! Best The reporter was interviewing the town s oldest woman. And what do you find is the best thing about being 104? he asked. That s easy, she said. No peer pressure.
Editor: The Rev Dr Gary Bowness continues his tongue-in-cheek letters from Uncle Eustace The Rectory St. James the Least of All On the perils of moving from city to country My dear Nephew Darren Those parishioners of yours who won millions on the Lottery and moved into this parish have created quite a stir. It was perhaps a little unwise of them to tell everyone the reason why they had become so wealthy. While most of our parishioners also do the Lottery, few would ever admit it in public. (Since your friends arrived, the entire PCC is buying ever more lottery tickets, but from the shop in the NEXT village, to try and keep it secret.) However, your family still have much to learn about our country ways. Buying the old Dower House was impressive; and spending a small fortune re-stocking the gardens was certainly commendable. But someone should have told them about cattle grids. It must have been quite a shock for them to wake up one morning and find the thirty sheep from the neighbouring field had wandered in for breakfast. Their brand new purple Ferrari has certainly brightened up the country lanes around here. The noise it makes as it roars up behind you quite quickens the pulse. Mrs Beamish had been suffering with low blood pressure for months; she says she is quite cured now. The Colonel, who is all for the community supporting the church, then asked if the new-comers would drive the bishop around on the day he came to do his tour of the parish. The Colonel thought that an open-topped purple Ferrari would make a great bishop-mobile; and the new-comers were so kind to agree. What a shame that they decided to accomplish the several miles of parish lanes in record time: the bishop barely even saw the several farmers that they nearly ran down. His new nickname in this parish is: The Purple Peril. The new-comers have installed security lighting, which is understandable. But now I wonder how much sleep they are getting, as the rabbits, foxes, and badgers who live in their grounds keep it flood-lit for much of the night. Meanwhile, the Colonel is grumbling about the effect of light pollution on his young pheasants in the woods nearby. But these little inconveniences apart, I am sure they will soon feel at home. I feel confident that by the third generation, they will be properly settled in. Your loving uncle, Eustace
Editor: Finally, some miscellaneous observations on everyday life You can give without loving, but you cannot love without giving. Anon Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? - Anon Comfortable truth isn't. - Anon If you can't sleep, don't count sheep: talk to the Shepherd. - Anon Jesus knows me - this I love. - Anon It is the daily grind that gives a person polish. - Anon For age and want, save while you may: no morning sun lasts a whole day. - Anon Life gives nothing to man without labour. Horace He is so full of himself that he is quite empty. - Anon