A Fathers Duty Pray Read Col 3:18-4:1 This section of scripture is about loving one another in relationships. Two weeks back we discussed 3:18 Last week David opened 3:19. This week we are going to explore 3:21. Next week we will go back to 3:20. Today s sermon will be old material for some of you. It will be new material to others. Single men should listen with an eye to being future fathers. Single women should listen in order to learn what to look for in a husband. Single parents should listen knowing that they must assume the role of father. Empty nester should listen with repentance and thanksgiving. They should listen to encourage younger parents. Recent studies show that 88% of children in Evangelical homes will abandon the faith within a few years of High School graduation. 70% of those attending Christian Youth Groups will do the same. 1 The blame for these statistics can be laid at the feet of unbelieving parents, especially fathers. These statistics suggest that most Christian parents don t really believe. These statistics say that in general Christian fathers either do not understand the Bible, they understand it but don t believe it, or they understand it and believe it, but they do not love their children. Today s text describes what it looks like when a father loves his children. I don t want any of your children to be one of the 88%. I don t want you or I to hear God say on the Last Day, You called me Lord, Lord, but you didn t believe. How do I know you didn t believe? You didn t keep my commandments. You didn t love your children. Depart from me. I never knew you (Matt. 7:21-23). There are only two New Testament texts on the important subject of parenting. They are in Col 3:21 and Ephesians 6:4. (Col 3:21) "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." 1 T.C. Pinkney, Report to the Southern Baptist Convention Executive Committee, Nashville, TN. Sept 18, 2001; Also see the 2002 Report of The Southern Baptist Council on family Life, Cited in Family Driven Faith, Voddie Baucham Jr. (Wheaton, Crossway, 2007) pg 10,11 1 of 8
(Eph 6:4) "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians 6:4 gives us more information than Colossians. It tells us that the provoking in Colossians that we are to avoid, that will cause our children to become discouraged, is a provoking to anger. In addition, it adds the imperative to bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. So we will spend our time on the expanded edition, Eph. 6:4. Our main point this morning is this: Father s, fulfill your duties to your children. Col 3:21 and Eph 6:4 give fathers four duties to perform. 1 st Fathers assume responsibility for the family parenting. 2 nd Do not provoke your children to anger. 3 rd Discipline your children. 4 th Instruct your children. Fathers are responsible to perform these duties. God is responsible for the results. A. DUTY ONE: FATHERS ARE RESPONSIBLE! Fathers, do not provoke your children Christianity is a patriarchal religion. That means that it is father-centered. The Christian family revolves around male servant-leaders. By contrast, the contemporary family is matriarchal mother-centered. Sadly, matriarchy has invaded the church, and it is doing much mischief. One of the signs of this matriarchy is that most books on parenting are written to women and purchased by women. It has not always been this way. Society used to assume the fathers dominant responsibility in the parenting process. Nancy Gibbs, writing for Time Magazine, notes From the Reformation until the 1830 s most parenting manuals were written for fathers. Before this time, she continued, society assumed that mothers were assistant fathers. Now it is assumed that fathers are assistant mothers. 2 The Bible assumes from beginning to end that mothers are assistants to the father. That is because, when it comes to parenting, the Bible addresses itself to fathers. This means that, on the Day of Judgment, each father listening will give an accounting to our heavenly Father for his children. Our wives will account for how they supported or failed to support their husbands. This does not mean fathers do all the parenting. Mothers do probably 90% of 2 Nancy Gibbs, Father, Time Magazine (June 28, 1993, pg 53) 2 of 8
it in the early years. Fathers do more in the teen years and beyond. There is an old saying that describes this. Mom provides the roots. Dad provides the wings. In other words, in the pre-school years mom provides the emotional roots, but fathers increasingly nudge their children to the edge of the nest and, when the time is right, kick them out. Men are wired to prepare their children for the outside world. Moms are wired to protect and nurture. In summary, if we are going to be biblical parents dads should be willing to assume responsibility for the parenting process, and moms should see themselves as their husband s assistants. B. DUTY TWO: DO NOT PROVOKE YOUR CHILDREN TO ANGER (Col 3:21) "Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged." (Eph 6:4) "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." What does it mean to, provoke your children to anger? Paul does not tell us. We can guess by thinking through the things that we know from experience provoke children to anger. Here are three. The first is high standards without equal amounts of affection and encouragement. If we set biblical standards they will be high. But high standards will backfire unless they are complimented by lots of encouragement, praise, affection, and constant evidences of grace. Anecdote: Parent who is never satisfied. The second thing that provokes children to anger is hypocrisy expecting your children to do what you are unwilling to do yourself. Anecdote: the 1979 film, The Great Santini, was the story of a marine aviator and his family. Robert Duvall played the part of a man who set high standards for his wife and children with absolutely no affection or encouragement. The third thing that provokes children to anger is improper control at an improper time. Small children must be controlled, but as they grow, you must release the controls. Eventually, you want to bring them to the place where they will obey conscience even if it means disappointing you. Here is the crucial lesson: Example, not control, will produce 75% of your parenting results. You can t control your children into God s kingdom. You must lead them into God s kingdom by personal example. 3 of 8
Application: The gospel motivates high standards. It does so by showing us God s fearsome love of virtue and hatred of evil. We see it at the cross. The cross also shows us the cost of compromise. Gospel-centered Fathers set biblical standards and hold their children to them. But the gospel also models God s affection, love, and encouragement for weak struggling sinners. It motivates us to appeal to our children s hearts not control them. C. DUTY THREE: DISCIPLINE YOUR CHILDREN (Eph 6:4) "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up (nourish them) in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Four presuppositions we need to become effective disciplinarians. First, effective parents assume the doctrine of indwelling sin. The presence of indwelling sin is obvious. You don t have to teach your children to lie, to disobey, or to demand their own way. The first word most children learn is not yes. It is no. Our children must be taught virtue. If we don t they will become evil. That is because, from conception, their natural disposition is evil. Eph 2:3 And were by nature objects of wrath like the rest of mankind. (Pr 22:15) "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him." Most contemporary parents believe their children are inherently good. A generation ago Reinhold Niebuhr remarked, No amount of contrary evidence seems to disturb humanity s good opinion of itself. 3 There is much evidence to disturb your good opinion of your children. Pay close attention to it. Discipline it. Second, effective disciplinarians imitate God. He serves us with discipline. Because love always motivates God s discipline, it should always motivate our discipline. (Heb 12:5-11) "And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons? My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best 3 Quoted by Bruce Milne, The Message of John, (Downers Grove, IVP, 1993) pg 132 4 of 8
to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it." Third, Effective parents discipline in an atmosphere of affection and encouragement. Their child s glass is always half full, not half empty. They look for and identify evidences of grace. Fourth, Effective fathers (and mothers) use discipline to teach the gospel to their children. This may require great persistence. One child might need to be spanked once per year. Another child may need five spankings per day. Gospel Powered Parenting contains some suggestions for connecting the gospel to parenting. Morality is never the ultimate issue. It is seldom What would Jesus do? It is always What did Jesus do? You never say good boys and girls go to Heaven. You say only sinful boys and girls, that believe the gospel and repent, go to Heaven. Lane and Tripp: One of the reasons teenagers are not excited by the gospel is that they do not think they need it. Many parents have successfully raised self-righteous little Pharisees. When they look at themselves, they do not see a sinner in desperate need, so they are not grateful for a Savior. 4 Conclusion? The goal of parenting is not morality. It is not temporal success. It is the presence of heart attitudes that proceed from saving faith. D. DUTY FOUR: INSTRUCT YOUR CHILDREN (Eph 6:4) "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Instruction is primarily the father s duty. The task can be delegated to mothers, but mothers cannot replace fathers in this function. Fathers can effectively delegate instruction only when they are already perceived by their children to be the main instructor. (Dt. 6:4-7) " Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children." Fathers follow up with your children s Sunday School assignments. George Barna surveyed over 1,000 parents whose grown children were pg 5 4 Timothy Lane and Paul D. Tripp, How People Change, (Greensborough, New Growth Press, 2006) 5 of 8
walking in a fruitful faith relationship with the Lord. While less than 1 in 10 Christian couples have regular family devotions with their children, the common denominator of these successful parents was regular family devotions with their children. 5 Here are some practical suggestions on how to instruct children. First, you need to have a regular family meeting time. Second, use the family gathering to discuss the Bible and apply it to life. Discuss what you are reading in your personal devotions. Read through a book of the Bible together. Don t teach. Ask good questions. What is this paragraph about? Who are the central characters? What are they doing? Why is this story important to us? How does God want you to respond? New Birth is our ultimate goal. Fathers who really believe that God s Word brings New Birth will regularly expose their children to it. "You have been born again, not of perishable seed but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God;" (1 Peter 1:23). Fathers and mothers who believe that the gospel is the power of God for salvation teach their children the gospel. You are responsible to teach it. God is responsible to give it life. You are responsible to put the wood in the fireplace. It is God s responsibility to ignite the wood and make it burn. Excuses: I don t know the Bible well enough. My wife is smarter than I. My children are smarter than I. I m already sending them to Christian school. We go to Grace Christian Fellowship. My children are home-schooled and biblical instruction all day long. Billboard E. CONCLUSION: FATHERS, FULFILL YOUR DUTIES TO YOUR CHILDREN Our culture does not value fatherhood. Many are embarrassed to even discuss it. Is there a species on the planet more unjustly maligned than fathers? writes columnist Naomi Lakritz. Fathers are abusers, bullies, deadbeats, child molesters, and all-around sexist clods who have a lot of gall 5 George Barna, Revolutionary Parents, (Carol Stream, Tyndale, 2007) 6 of 8
wanting a relationship with their children once the initial moment of conception is over. 6 Feminists believe that men are the problem. According to Carolyn McCulley, their basic premise is Remember, all men would be tyrants if they could. 7 This discourages men. It makes them feel dirty. It magnifies a profound anxiety about things masculine. This is not the biblical concept of masculinity, maleness, or fatherhood. God s people should esteem and honor Fatherhood. The success or failure of our families rides upon the practice of biblical fatherhood. The children that God has given you will live forever, either in infinite joy and happiness or in endless pain and suffering. What you do with your child for those 18-20 short years will greatly impact where they spend eternity. Questions: Moms: are you willing to be assistant fathers? Are you willing to let go of your children and entrust them to God by releasing them to your husband s care and direction? Fathers, are you willing to assume responsibility for the parenting that takes place in your family? Are you willing to call your family to prayer and Bible study? Are you willing to be an example of godliness and holiness to your wife and children? Are you willing to communicate with your wives? Are you willing to hold your children accountable to biblical standards? Children, are you willing to submit to your father s authority? (Eph. 3:20) Children obey your parents in everything for this pleases the Lord. (Eph 6:1-3) "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land. " Fathers, God is not asking for perfection. In fact, you can t be perfect. He is asking us to try, to be diligent, to confess our sins and try to change. The gospel frees us to fail. When we fall of the wagon it frees to climb back on. You and I are sometimes lazy, sometimes rebellious, sometimes inappropriately controlling, sometimes hypocritical, sometimes poor examples. We need God s grace, and we have it in the gospel. Here is what Jesus has done for us. First, he lived the perfect life in our place. 6 Stephen Baskerville, Taken Into Custody, (Nashville, Cumberland House, 2007), pg 17 7 Carolyn McCulley, Radical Womanhood, (Chicago: Moody, 2008) pg 33 7 of 8
Second, he died for your parenting failures. Third, He rose from the dead for your justification. Last, He has given you His Holy Spirit to motivate you to change. You need Him. Read your Bibles. God s Spirit will make you a father in the image of your heavenly Father. On the Day of Judgment God will open the book of life. What will be written there? Will your parenting say, Yes Lord, I believed. I believed that your word was all powerful, so I preached the gospel to my children. I believed that you are holy. I believed that you hate sin, so I disciplined them. I believed that you discipline the children that you love so I disciplined my children because I loved them? I believed that you suffered terribly to redeem my children, that you love them in a way that I cannot understand, that you entrusted them to me. I feared lest I squander that stewardship? I believed that you died a tortured death to lavish me with affection. In turn I tried to lavish my children with that same affection. You captured my heart by your example. I tried to capture my children s heart by my example. F. HOMEGROUP STUDY QUESTIONS Read Col 3:21 and Eph 6:1-4. Identify the duties of fathers in these passages. Why do you think these verses address fathers and not mothers? Who was the main parent in your home growing up? How did it impact you? This sermon discussed the father s duty to not provoke his children to anger, to discipline and teach. If you are a father, which of these are the most difficult for you? If you are a wife or a single, what can you do to encourage biblical fatherhood? How should preaching the gospel to himself everyday help a father fulfill these duties? 8 of 8