Do you think scars are beautiful? Let s think about this for a minute. Scars are kind of like dog-earing a page in a book. In the case of a book, it s a place to which you can go back to revisit something from the past, maybe something you learned and want or need to remember. This scar, right here in my left eyebrow? This was from Chapter 8. On the first day of third grade, as an 8 year old, I was running across the playground and back in to school to get away from Neil Percy who wanted to give me a kiss (not something in which an 8 year old girl is interested!). Running into the school building, I looked back over my shoulder to see if I was still being pursued. As I turned back around, my head collided with the corner of an opening door. Three stitches! Or this scar in the middle of my forehead which is about 3 inches long? That s from Chapter 26. I was 26 years old and skiing with a colleague from work. My skis had just been tuned and the over sharpened edges caught as I was coming to a stop. This was pre-helmet days for me and I came forward onto the ski and sliced my head to the bone. 8 stitches 3 sub cutaneous and 5 at the skin s surface. I ll bet when I asked that opening question, about 98% of you thought of these kinds of scars, the superficial, physical scars that mark this vessel; our body. But what if we were to consider the scars that mark what our vessel contains...that which is heaven sent? I think I like the sound of dog-eared pages better than scars, however, so perhaps
we should rephrase the question, for now, to say what if we were to consider the dog-ears that happen in the book of our soul? Throughout our time here on earth we come into contact with opportunities to create new dog-eared pages in the book of our lives on a daily basis. Some we have control over, others we do not. Some are catastrophic and others just come about through daily living. I ve had both, but the catastrophic event unfolded in Chapter 10, on May 20 th, 1974 at 3:20 in the morning give or take a minute. I am a 10 year old sound asleep in my bed. My 5 year old brother is also semi-asleep in his bed. My 7 year old brother, however, gets up to go to the bathroom. Unbeknownst to any of us, there is a methane gas leak in the bathroom. Scott flips on the light switch While the trauma of awakening to shattered glass flying around me, my father calling for help, and the insanely intense heat that came from the fire ball that night was more scarring then you can begin to imagine, it didn t quite measure up in comparison to the trauma of losing a family member that night. In those days, one didn t seek a counselor for help, and in rural Stowe, Vermont, there weren t any to be found even if it were considered appropriate to see someone. The dog-ears that came out of this catastrophic event have been many and because we never spoke to a professional about our pains, it took a longer time to get those pages turned over. In a macabre kind of way, it was a gift
that has kept on giving! Today s gospel lesson has always spoken to me and it is largely because of this event. In today s reading, Matthew tells us the story of Peter summoning the faith to step out of the boat at Jesus invitation. Logically, Peter knows that Jesus should not be standing on the water and nor should he, Peter, be able to walk on it, but instinctively or perhaps intuitively Peter feels the need to step out when invited by Jesus. Once his logical mind kicks back in as he recognizes the dangerous conditions around him, he starts to founder at which point Jesus rescues him and brings him back into the boat. Jesus says to Peter, You of little faith, why did you doubt? I give Peter a lot of credit, however, for following the instinct to try. He was the only one of the disciples in that boat to venture out. His trust wasn t 100%, but the instinct to trust was there. It makes me wonder if having fear is something which is logic based or intuitive? I m not sure it s probably some of each but I know that my experience from the fire and complete destruction of much in my life prior to 10 years of age left internal dog-eared pages that have challenged me to overcome the logical and put faith in the instinctive or intuitive. One of the major dog-eared pages to come out of this event came in the form of my fear of going to sleep. I wasn t prepared to be so groggy and out of it when
my dreams were shattered into a reality that required immediate and focused action again. I equally had a fear of turning on a light switch once I d gone to bed. By the time I reached adulthood and could try and rationalize with myself, I would make the argument that the odds of something happening exactly like that a second time in my life were pretty remote, but I was so frightened that I clung to the gunwales of my boat and couldn t find the faith to step out into the sea of uncertainty. What was certain was that if I didn t turn on a light, I couldn t blow up my home. Logic and about 20 years of telling myself to have faith finally started to pay off. I started closing my eyes, turning away from the light switch, and then flipping it on when I needed to be up at night. The instinct was there to turn it on and trust that nothing bad would happen, but my conditioned mind turned away from a potential blast just in case. The reality was, in fact, that something good would happen in that I wouldn t stub my toe in the dark! My biggest challenge by far, however, was stepping out of that boat to have a child. I had tremendous fear in this because I reasoned that NOTHING could be worth the pain I witnessed my parents suffer when they lost their son. I am married to someone 22 years my senior who had two grown children of his own, it seemed like I didn t need to go there and yet there was a nagging in my mind and in my gut telling me it was the right thing to do. The instinct was there. A
much respected teacher of mine, in whom I d confided, earlier in life, of my constant fear that the other shoe would drop and that I was going through my days with my dukes up to be prepared for any oncoming blows, told me at one point that one should not live their life in fear every day as they (or I) would miss out on the beauty in life and the gifts that come with it. He suggested that I try to work on opening myself up to all possibilities to be embraced both good and bad. His words came back to me as I pondered whether or not I should follow my instincts and actually experience the miracle of having a child. Once Alexandra Kathleen Black was born the sleep issues which had begun to ameliorate were coming back (and I m not talking about night feedings!). We put a fire escape ladder in Lexi s room because we knew that was where we were going to escape. I HAD to get to our girl out or die trying. Though I d stepped out of the boat in having a child, it was like I still had one foot in the boat. Then one day, I struck up a personal conversation with Lexi s teacher at the Montessori school. She d lost a teenage son not too many years before in an avalanche up at Galena Summit. I asked her how she could be so seemingly happy and at peace so soon after this traumatic loss, because that had not been my experience. She told me that while she still had bad days, she lived in gratitude that she had been able to have that special young man in her life for as long as she did. It may not
have been as long as she wanted, but how lucky was she to have known him and shared in his life and experienced that love. Wow. Another dog-eared page. It took time, but after mulling these thoughts over, I came to realize that I had to have faith that things were going to happen over which I had no control and I just had to TRUST and be grateful for everyday with both Lexi and all the people I care about and to know that all would be well, if not as I wanted them to be. I began to sleep again. So now, if I go back and ask you my opening question, do you think scars are beautiful?, I m going to guess that maybe you have a different perspective on this. Let s go back to putting the word scar into where I compared it to a dog eared page. I have scars inside that I gained through growth and learning and that I will continue to experience. I have become a more enriched individual, and so have and will you. Today and every day, when you give thanks for all the blessing you have, just remember that all you HAVE is what helps to carry you through your time here family and friends, health, love but I invite you to give thanks for all the internal scars you ve received, both painful and joyful as they are what makes up the book of you. These stories on those dog eared pages are what you will take back to heaven with you and share with God. One of my favorite quotes and I may be paraphrasing as I couldn t find it when I went back
to double check the wording comes from Mary Stewart in the book The Hollow Hills in which she says It is never wise to turn aside from knowing, however the knowing comes. So I challenge you, as I often challenge myself, to rejoice in your beautiful scars because you are embracing your story and your knowing. Just as a final note, I want to assure any prospective future Senior Warden that standing here and delivering a sermon is not part of the job description. I don t want to scare anyone off! I have spoken to an audience through a character on stage and as President of the Montessori School Board I spoke to a group of over 500 people at a fundraiser (which was in a sense playing a role), but now I am putting myself out here in a new way because of a hair-brained notion I had in the middle of the night one night in January that said I had something to share with you all. So this is just me, Heather Kathleen Freeman Black, at Chapter 50, stepping out of the boat, dog earring another page and I thank you for being a part of my book. Amen