Compassionate Communication This is our last practice in our fall faith series based on Robert Brumet s book, Living Originally. Our practices bring us into alignment with the nature we were created out of and designed to express. It is a powerful, loving self always available but one we may have lost touch with. This Original Self gets buried under the thoughts and beliefs we form out of human experiences and feedback from the world outside us. To bring us back to our Original Self we practice self-awareness and self-acceptance and self forgiveness. To allow our Original Self to connect in relationship with others, we practice forgiveness of others, universal benevolence and compassionate communication. Today we ll explore how we can communicate in ways that foster our personal transformation, because that is the intention of all these practices. The intention is not to be a better person, or gain new friends or even experience peace of mind. The intention of the practices is to move to living from our Original Self, which is a place of transformation beyond the labels of better or worse, painful or peaceful. We may experience all those other things along the way but they are not our intention. Humans long for connection. Our species is a social group; we are pack animals. Infants suffer neurological damage if they are denied physical touch. People who are blind depend on voice and touch. People who are deaf depend on visual cues and touch. I can only imagine the isolation of Helen Keller, blind and deaf. One of my students in my Diversity Awareness class this past summer did her immersion project on deafness. She went about a day with sound stopping ear plugs. She said it was startling how isolated and alone she felt, missing out on the conversations going on around her. Yet, if you are like me, not all of my communication experiences are connecting. When someone wants to change me or I want to change someone, the communication is about persuasion or even coercion. Perhaps the exchange is just about expressing anger or frustration and one of us defensively stops listening. We don t have to move away to stop listening! (putting fingers in ears and chanting na-na-na) We just stop, or begin rehearsing what we ll say. But it is important to note that communication involves both what we say and how we listen. Although Brumet calls this practice Compasssionate Communication, it is not the same practice as Nonviolent Communication, which also sometimes is called Compassionate Communication. I highly 1
recommend NVC classes we offer but this Communication practice is also an important part of our transformation. Being highly influenced by the Buddhist tradition, Brumet relies on the basic Right Speech for the evaluation of the speaking portion of Compassionate Communication. The term right this context doesn t mean correct but rather that which supports spiritual practice. The questions to ask ourselves BEFORE we say anything are: is it true; it is kind; is it necessary? Anyone ever told as a child, If you don t have something nice to say, keep quiet. It would be a much quieter world if we all adhered to this practice. Yet most of the time we ignore all of that. Is it true? We have to remember that true is a subjective opinion and it is only our opinion. Still, sometimes we say things that are almost true. The shading reflects a bias we have or an agenda we are promoting. If we are practicing self-awareness we will not only notice the shading we are doing, we will notice the agenda or intention we have in saying this almost truth AND we will notice the slight discomfort within our bodies. All of these clues are hints we might want to remain silent. Or, as we begin to notice these clues, we practice self-acceptance and without judging, begin to explore why we are saying these things. If we were whole and complete and loved, would we need to say things that were almost true? Or are we saying something because we are afraid of hurting someone s feelings? Do we have honest relationships or are we unable to say true but difficult things in a kind way? And what about the things that we might say are true but would have difficulty saying were kind. This is one of the challenges of this practice: developing the skill to be honest and kind. Is it kind to allow someone we care about to be oblivious to how they impact us? Is it kind to allow someone we care about to continue self-destructive behavior? We may believe looking the other way or sacrificing ourselves in silence is kind. It is not kind to ourselves or to the other person. Our original self is whole and complete. It is courageous when it knows something is important to share. Our Original self can find ways to share in a kind way when it is necessary to share. We must be slow enough in forming our words to allow our Original Self to guide us and we must be open to hear what is being said beyond the fearful reactions ego mind might also be saying. That which is true and kind must be said with love and compassion. 2
Which brings us to the third question; is it necessary. How often do we speak to fill an awkward silence? Or we add something because we think we are expected to contribute? Or we speak out to be noticed because we think we are being overlooked? Is it necessary is a question that brings us to reflecting on our motivation to speak. Do we truly want a connection? Is what we are about to say a valuable contribution to the ongoing conversation? Or am I just trying to change the other person; as if that were possible. Our practice is about transformation; it is about noticing and choosing. So if we notice we are missing the mark in our speech, we accept where we are, we forgive ourselves and we choose how we d like to be. Every practice seems awkward at first so be patient. The first part of Compassionate Communication is speaking but what about the second component? Listening! How well do we listen to one another? This is not about how well do we hear. How well do we listen? I can receive the auditory stimulation of my inner ear and not know a word you said. You may not be speaking my language or I may simply not be listening. Brumet describes 4 levels of listening. The first is the one in which I am preoccupied with my own thoughts and judgments and I am listening to the words in my head more than I am listening to the words being spoken. I may be resistant to what is being said for many reasons. The reasons don t matter so much as the idea that I have closed my heart and my mind to listening. The second level of listening Brumet outlines is one in which I am interested in what is being said, but I am only hearing with my head. I am not seeking a connection or open to transformation. I may be easily triggered in this mode of listening or I may learn something new. But ego mind is clearly in charge and providing input for what I value or reject and how I respond. The third level is a deeper level and one in which I am open to connection and transformation. This could be a therapeutic conversation or a spiritual counseling or just an intimate conversation with someone I trust. I allow myself to be vulnerable and I am practicing self awareness and self acceptance so that defenses don t fly up to separate me from either the other person or my Original Self. The last level is the rarest level because it requires both of us, the listener and the speaker, to be open to the activity of Spirit through us. Brumet refers to this as presencing. We all desire this and may have had glimpses of it. It is rare because we cannot control the other person but I believe we can attract that 3
kind of relationship as we commit ourselves to the practice of Compassionate Communication and the other practices. So for many of you, your head is at work. But Rev Joy, is it really wise for me to make myself vulnerable and open to everyone? There s a lot of bad out there! Giving up judgment doesn t mean giving up discernment. You have to discern those points in conversation at which there is an opening for going deeper if you are willing. Being defensive is not the same as having appropriate boundaries with others. I can maintain appropriate boundaries and still open myself to vulnerability. On the other hand, I can be defensive and call it a boundary. It takes practice and reflection. Sometimes vulnerability is just a moment of authentic sharing without an expectation of the outcome. The outcome can surprise us if we are willing. Rev Joy, I don t think it s practical to practice this speaking and listening all the time. My family is nuts and people at work aren t very nice. They are sure not going to practice. I understand your concern. First, yes the practice seems awkward when we begin. So you are not going to be able to bring that level of focus to every conversation. AND, there is no place in which this practice is not beneficial. Except for that fourth level of listening, nothing in these practices requires the other person to be skillful. You bring the possibilities and the primary transformation is within YOU, not them. You are aware of your own bias and challenge and you begin to speak and listen from your Original Self. Just begin the practice. The death this week of Nelson Mandela brings into everyone s attention someone I have quoted and admired. If you have not seen the movie Invictus, I highly recommend it. Morgan Freeman plays Nelson Mandela. The movie portrays his early days after prison and leading his country out of a culture of segregation and apartheid. He committed to the daunting challenge of bringing the Afrikaners who were white and the blacks together as a peaceable country. In the movie you see how he used the national soccer team as a tool for unification. Mandela said, If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his language, that goes to his heart. Mandela spent 27 years in prison. During that time he learned the language that spoke to the hearts of the Afrikaners, who were his jailers and guards. He listened and cared about what they cared about. 4
He chose his words carefully, making meaningful contributions to discussions at the prison. He left prison firmly established as a leader, his skills honed in the crucible of Robben Island. Here are the final words he chose at the end of the trial which resulted in his imprisonment. See if you believe they are true, kind and necessary: During my lifetime I have dedicated myself to this struggle of the African people. I have fought against white domination, and I have fought against black domination. I have cherished the ideal of a democratic and free society in which all persons live together in harmony and with equal opportunities. It is an ideal which I hope to live for and to achieve. But if needs be, it is an ideal for which I am prepared to die. Nelson Mandela was a man. He would say he was Not a messiah but an ordinary man who had become a leader because of extraordinary circumstances. He is an example of the potential we all have when we apply ourselves to principles with passion. Nelson Mandela, I believe, lived much of his life in possibility, holding a vision beyond what he saw. To do that requires us to live from our Original Self. We cannot allow our thoughts and actions to only be informed by limited beliefs and the defensiveness of a wounded self. We must clear the way for the voice and guidance of our Original Self. There is no time like the present to begin self awareness, self acceptance, unlimited forgiveness, universal benevolence and compassionate communication. We can only focus on being our best self in this moment; releasing the past moments and allowing the next moment to unfold. Let s begin living originally now! 5