Prayer 21 Since I of my own will mortgaged myself to death A Since I of my own will mortgaged myself to death, never sting as a man on my own two feet, never having received a rational soul, as the Bible says, I did not turn away from my former sinful ways to travel the path of goodness.
Why should I not begin this chapter by disclosing my wayward tracks toward darkness? So I shall adapt my writing to this purpose without changing my earlier testimony, confess again the rest of the evil stains upon me.
B Deserving the punishment of a foreign mercenary I joined the army of Beliar by my acts of obstinacy.
Swept off by the agile dances, gleeful stunts, foolery of the slithering demons, ingenious deceivers, I wallowed in my sloth, in the chambers of the fallen, I took comfort in secret floggings invisible wounds instead of warding off these outcasts with Christ s cross.
No, I willingly joined them with no reason other than my miserable lawlessness. Your name, O Jesus, was profaned among the demons, as it was among the Gentiles for the sake of Israel. The vices I planted in myself, blow by wicked blow, like thieves evil spirits ate away at the flower of my soul like corrosive rust.
Like caterpillars locusts, as the saintly prophet Joel described in his terrifying lament about the l of Israel. Indeed, I cultivated rather than uprooted them, recruiting throngs of warriors armed with deadly weapons.
I collected them in my soul nurtured those that goaded me toward lawlessness iniquity, I strengthened my enemies so that they became invincible, I took bitterness as my portion instead of your sweet sustenance, always deceitful toward the Creator, faithful to the Deceiver.
C How dare I raise my voice in appeal, considering the wretchedness of my plight, the anguish of my peril, the shadow of my shame, the darkness of my humiliation? The voice of doom is overwhelming the cry of my protests unbearable.
And if I could see my soul, deformed, shriveled, wasted away, I would sob yet more painfully in extreme embarrassment at the disgusting, ashen color of its baseness, like a minion at a pagan temple. For becoming a slave to sin is the same as worshiping a stone idol.
D Since I have traveled the path of destruction pursuing the footprints of darkness, like the priests of Israel scolded by the prophet, since I have traded your plot of paradise for a barren desert, how can I call myself human, when I have earned a place among the inhuman?
How can I be named a thinking being, when I indulge in brutish ways? How can I be called a seeing being, when I have snuffed out my inner light? How can I be known as cognizant, when I have slammed the door on wisdom? How can I aspire to incorruptible grace, when with my own h I have slain my soul?
Indeed, I lack attributes of a moving, or even breathing being, let alone one capable of spiritual, thoughtful life.
E Chipped among the set of plates, defective among the stones of the wall, disdained among the ranks of the called, lowest of the tribe of the elect, weakest among those fearful of death, most dejected with the pain of Jerusalem, as mournful as Jeremiah s words, My days have been wasted in wailing,
the course of my years in crying. In the songs of the musician, Like wool eaten by moths, like wood chewed up by worms. In the words of the wise man, My heart was consumed by suspicion. In the words of the Psalmist, I unraveled like a spiderweb, became useless.
In the words of the prophet, I have disappeared, evaporated like the morning cloud the dew at dawn.
F I do not put my hope in mankind, for I would be cursed by the evil eye falter in despair. Rather I place my faith in you, my Lord, who loves our souls.
You, who even at the hour you were nailed to the cross overflowed with boundless compassion, beseeched your Father on high to take mercy on your tormentors.
Now grant me hope of atonement, life refuge, so that when I take my last breath I might receive from you a healed soul. To you with the Father the Holy Spirit, all power, victory, majesty glory forever. Amen.
95 Lamentations of St Narek HymnsAndChants.Com