WHY WE DO THE THINGS THAT WE DO a/k/a WHAT IS OUR INTENTION?

August 25, 2013 Luke 11:39-41 II Corinthians 6:6-7 Galatians 1:3; 3:1 But the Lord said to him, You Pharisees clean the outside of the cup and plate; but inside you are full of greed and wickedness. You fools! Did not he who made the outside make the inside too? But let what is inside be given in charity, and all is clean. (Luke 11:39-41) We recommend ourselves by innocent behavior and grasp of truth, by patience and kindliness, by gifts of the Holy Spirit, by unaffected love, by declaring the truth, by the power of God. (II Corinthians 6:6-7) Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. (Galatians 1:3) You STUPID Galatians! (Galatians 3:1) a/k/a WHAT IS OUR INTENTION? Bruce has said: Everything humans do is being motivated by either the principle of pride or the principle of gratitude. For me, I would also have to include the principle of lust (desire to control, power) or the principle of compassion and love. Actually, as I think about this a bit more, this could also extend to many of the Seven Deadlies. Gluttony, which is about personal gratification. Greed, which is about fear, and so on. Pride is the top of the Seven Deadlies, so perhaps it could start and end there, but I also wanted to remind that there are others in there, and other motivations as well, that can be just as damaging and equally difficult to see. Today s sermon title is Why We Do the Things That We Do a/k/a What Is Our Intention? I chose this title because it is in the forefront for me right now. It is nothing new to those of us who have been a part of this church or who have known Bruce for a while, but for me, right now, it feels as if another layer of the onion is being pealed back. And I am seeing some things, for the first time, with new understanding. CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Page 1 of 11

What began this line of thinking for me why do we do the things that we do, what is the motivation actually came about when the book by Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People, was highly recommended to me. I m sure that you have heard of it; I had too. It was written way back in 1936 and has been reprinted countless times to sell over 30 million copies over the past almost 80 years, and people can still relate to it. Dale Carnegie... the intention of winning friends and influencing people sounded so shallow and manipulative to me. And I must confess that I did roll my eyes a bit that there was so much enthusiasm about a book that, to me, sounded like it was going to teach the reader how to learn to be a better manipulator. In addition to the title that I did not like the sound of, on the back cover there were statements such as You will learn: Six Ways to Make People Like You The Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking Nine Ways of Changing People Without Arousing Resentment Maybe if I were to be honest here, I would admit that these have probably all been fantasies of mine at one time or another and perhaps still are, at times. But in reality, they are not really what I would want to be able to do. So back to the better me or the louder voice. These promises of what I would learn did nothing to make me think that the book would not live up to what I was already hearing in the title. These were not things that I thought I wanted to learn. They just did not sit well with me. And I thought to myself, how self-serving this book must be. But as I began to read it, what became apparent to me is that in most of the scenarios given, there was an immense amount of appreciation and compassion being shown to another person. It was not necessarily about agreeing with the other person but more about acknowledging where the other person was coming from. Instead of hitting someone over the head with a two-by-four to get your way or point across (which I have had a tendency to do), it was CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 2 of 11

a way of having both people win, if that is the word you want to use. I could hear the wisdom in his approach and see many tools that I could use to better relate and handle many situations that, in the past, would have left me feeling unheard and very frustrated, and often hurt and angry. So you get the picture. I was reluctant but I became curious, and I picked up a copy, printed in 1940. It is full of strategy (which for me, in the past, was a dirty word) along with the compassion. I could see how it can make the world a better and easier place, at least for me, depending on the driving force behind it and being clear on the motive. Since I have been reading this, I have been able to hear Bruce more clearly. He always has spoken with intention and compassion and has used strategy, but I can hear, even a little bit more clearly, many nuances that I had missed before, and I smile knowing that I am hearing him better one more layer. I d like to pause here to go over a few definitions. The definitions of Compassion, Appreciation, and Strategy, as they are the main themes running throughout the book. 1. Definition of Compassion: The actual definition when I looked it up is a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering. Compassion literally means to suffer together, with the roots of the word coming from the Latin cum (with) and passion (patient) one who suffers. I must confess and please those of you who are more evolved than me, do not laugh that I finally realized why Mel Gibson s movie of the crucifixion of Jesus was called The Passion. It was about his suffering on the cross. I had always been a little bit puzzled about where that title had come from and now I understand. I would say that empathy is a component of compassion, and maybe that is really what Carnegie was going for. Compassion is a prominent theme in all major religions, including Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhist, Islam. It is no small potatoes. CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 3 of 11

2. Definition of Appreciation: a full understanding of a situation; the recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something. Giving thanks. Appreciation versus Gratitude. How many degrees of separation are in these two words? This may be a good topic for discussion. 3. Definition of Strategy: a plan of action or policy designed to achieve a major or overall aim. And to strategize is to put that plan or policy into action. The understanding of both principles, strategy and empathy/ compassion, are in a sense new to me. Strategy in particular has always been a very difficult concept for me to understand enough to actually use it. In fact, I used to abhor it. And compassion, on some levels, is new to me as well. I am understanding and hearing and recognizing both more and more. And I am beginning to understand that, if used in the right way, they are both very powerful in bringing about wonderful things and doing Spirit s work. I ve changed my view of strategy from being a tool of manipulation to a tool to create and connect. In fact I am beginning to realize that it can actually be an act of being very loving and caring. I d like to talk a little bit more about strategy, as it has always escaped me. Perhaps it was because, for me, strategizing translated into how to manipulate people and I had always thought that this was a very small and even despicable thing to do. (Needless to say, I had my own way of manipulating that was not yet clear to me.) And possibly I felt that way because, in a sense, it was such a foreign way to think, based on how I was naturally built. I may be putting words into Bruce s mouth (of course none of us have ever done that before) but I remember him saying, in the astrology reading that he did for me about 18 years ago, that Aries have a difficult time understanding strategy, and I am an Aries. We re pretty straightforward so it is difficult for us to think in that way. I also remember him saying how frustrated or actually angry he would get at Mariana when she would inadvertently blow his cover after sometimes months of strategic planning. Mariana is an Aries and Bruce of course is a Scorpio, a master at strategizing. Anyways, I had always thought of myself as a pretty straight shooter and for most of my life did not think there was much need to finesse. I used to do things head-on. And then when I didn t like the results of what that brought, I began to move to the other extreme and became a victim. CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 4 of 11

The straight shooting did serve me well on many levels for many years until I reached my mid-40s, when that combative way of getting my way and possibly protecting myself no longer was working for me as it had before. So I swung from being so sure of myself (or at least that s how it felt) to doing whatever I could do to be more agreeable, until all the stuff that I was stuffing would leak out in the most inopportune ways and times. I had gone from a fighting mode to a flight mode and neither one was really true or representative of who I was. Nor did either get me what I really and truly wanted, which was connection with another and, maybe even more importantly, a connection to myself. Once I did the flip-flop, I was so busy trying to avoid and dodge confrontation that I forgot who I was at times. So from about 45 years of age to, embarrassingly so, until recently (so about 10 years), I have been suffering in silence in my flight mode, deathly afraid of the fight mode coming out (which it still did/does on occasion, when I just cannot continue to run away and be quiet anymore). My anger changed from being expressed outwardly to being expressed in hurt and tears. I kept on holding my tongue and suffered in silence and created just as much of a disconnect with people and myself as there was when I used to fight my way through things. If I could not have compassion for myself, then there could be very little compassion for others. And, maybe even more compelling, if I have not experienced compassion myself from others, it is hard to extend to others. And if the compassion is not there, then so many of these behaviors and methods are about manipulation. What I ve finally begun to realize is that if I don t agree with something or someone, I don t have to withdraw or fight. And maybe strategizing is not such a bad thing, but I have to know clearly what my motive is, what it is that I am trying to achieve or accomplish. Rather than the idea being manipulative, if used properly it can be an act of compassion. In order to strategize I have to have an understanding of the other person or force, as well as a clear understanding of myself, of who I am and what I want or don t want. It s not just about pushing my way, being combative, or closing down and withdrawing. Either way causes separation and pulls me out of relationship. CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 5 of 11

Did Jesus strategize? All the time. He was very strategic in how he taught using the parables, when he would and would not perform miracles, how he entered Jerusalem and moved about in general. He was strategic in how he spoke to the Pharisees and to Pilate. He was also a straight shooter but compassionate too, and taught about compassion in the story of the good Samaritan and many others. In Paul s letters to all of his churches, he spoke with firmness and compassion too. He would start his letters very respectfully: Grace to you and peace from God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. And then if, necessary, he would call them stupid! Taken out of context, that would sound horrible. But when there is trust and love, there is a lot that can be said and heard, and the Galatians trusted Paul and knew that he loved his churches. Paul addressed them with respect and caring to let them know that he loved them, but he also wasn t always Dale Carnegie about things. Or maybe it just didn t seem that way. So as I was enjoying being shown a new way of doing things through Mr. Carnegie s book, there were other thoughts that came up for me as well. While I was reading, I couldn t help but think that this could all be a little bit dangerous if we are not clear on what our motivations or intentions are. It looks good if we give to the poor and follow the rules, but what are our true motivations or, another way to put it, what are the intentions behind it? Is it to manipulate our way into someone s good graces or to get into heaven or to create good Karma or to have someone think well of us? Or is it to care is it what we are being called to do? Jesus was always calling out the Pharisees, and his disciples as well, that the inside show has to match the outside or it s garbage and despicable. (Luke 11) So I guess this is where Why do we do what we do? and What is our motivation or intention? come into play. I have always scoffed at the question What is your intention? and the phrase set your intention. Up until about two weeks ago, I had always discounted and pushed aside that word intention, finding it very new agey and silly sounding. You often hear it in the yoga and healing communities and, even though I am a big part of these communities, that was a word I always batted away, like a pesky fly. CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 6 of 11

I was pulled into a new frame of mind and thinking when I recently had the experience of trying to tell someone how I was feeling about something that involved them. The conversation did not go as I would have liked, and I realized later it was because I was not clear with myself as to why I wanted to communicate what I did. I had actually wanted something from this person but was not being honest with myself, and therefore was not being honest with them either. The way I related to the other person because I did have a hidden agenda made the conversation stilted and not very satisfactory, to say the least. What I came away with is the realization that intentions do matter. Knowing why we are doing something matters more than what we are really doing, in many ways. I realized that if my intentions are murky, then I am not clear in how I speak, what I do, or my course of action, and I am powerless. Everyone gets shortchanged, and I am hurt or disappointed, and people are often left confused and hurt as well. Having the opportunity to watch this play out and to be aware of it was wonderful. Of course this has played out many times for me before but I was not awake or aware enough to start making a change. I think I used to think that staying murky was a way to protect myself. If I don t have any expectations or needs or wants, then I won t be disappointed. But in fact, it s actually a way of manipulating! Oh my. The games we play... or at least I play. I do know what it feels like, on a physical level, when I acknowledge or appreciate, a/k/a feel gratitude or compassion: my whole body softens. And I know what it feels like when I am clear with my intentions. A recent scenario for me had some history in that it was something that had come up more than once over the years and had left me feeling wronged and powerless. It was a trigger. Sometimes I can be pretty stubborn, if I feel that something is inherently wrong with what I am being asked to do. In the past I would either respond in a passive-aggressive way to try to deal with it or I would outright rebel against it. Either way, it was harmful for all those involved. After reading Dale Carnegie, I realized that both the person whom I had felt I was up against and myself often had a common interest and even passion, and that it was important to acknowledge this to myself as well as to the other party. Once I acknowledged that my goal was in line with their goal, it was being CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 7 of 11

honest with myself and them. I was no longer fighting them. It was being clear and stating my intention. And even though, in this instance, it ended up that we were too far apart on what she needed and what I could give, ultimately we both won here. Why do I feel like I had won? Two reasons. One, I had let go of the outcome (which is so important, as I know you all know). And two, I had been able to honor her, and with that, the fight went out of me. I had honored myself by being truthful. I was able to express myself in a noncombative way. I did not clam up and become incredibly hurt and angry because she couldn t recognize what I was bringing to the table. I was honest, I said my truth, and honored her too. And it felt really good! We both wanted the same things. Did I win here? Yes, it felt like I did. Did I influence her? I do not know. Did I get what I wanted? What was really important? Yes! So I have started to change my MO a little bit. Started to practice. The place where I still get stuck the most is, of course, when something that really matters is at stake. Then the desire to control creeps in. That is when I am tempted to start trying to use these strategies to manipulate and maneuver. And of course the situations that bring this out the most are the ones I am most attached to, the ones that are the scariest to me and where I am feeling that there will be a lack if I don t get what I want. The scar tissue is there, and I have to be willing to go through a little bit of pain and to practice new ways of doing things to find a new way and new path. And guess what? The more that I understand this, the more that I like people. The less that I have to be afraid. Jesus was clear on his intentions. I think Paul was too. Jesus often saw the potential and demanded things of his disciples. And he could because he did things with gratitude, compassion, integrity, love, I ve watched and experienced Bruce, one-on-one with me and with others too. He stops and asks permission to say or do something. I hear him try to help us break through the scar tissue and move with more ease. He has helped me over the years with an infinite amount of patience and love, and I m sure strategy as well. It has not been easy for either one of us at times. We all have been CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 8 of 11

here long enough to have experienced his love and compassion on so many different occasions, in so many different ways. Empowering people by meeting them where they are at. Compassion and understanding. Walking in their shoes, wearing their pants. None of these concepts are new, and many people have taken these principles and reworked them in their own way and have coined them into many different methods. But they all come back to having compassion, honesty, and integrity. All of those components. And let s face it, it s hard to have all of those present at the same time all of the time. At least it is for me. So what makes Dale Carnegie s original book so powerful and so easy to relate to? The same thing that makes the Bible powerful and easy to relate to. There are stories that demonstrate the principles. The stories in the Bible are sometimes harder to extrapolate, at least for me. Maybe again that s the straightforwardness part of me; if it isn t obvious, then I have a hard time getting it without someone helping me to see the message. Books like Narnia and The Hobbit were never books I could relate too, I m very sad to say. Jesus talks in parables but he also talks straight, and he uses strategy and compassion even when he seems to be speaking harshly. There seem to be more and more people being put into my life that show me how to have compassion, and a big part of that compassion is just meeting people where they are at and not imposing anything on them. Now I know that this kind of person, the ones who are compassionate, must have been around me for many years, but I was unable to see or hear most of them. I can think of two whom I have been able to hear for a very long time. My friend Barbara Anderson, and of course Bruce. And either Bruce has gotten more compassionate in his old age, or I can just hear him better and understand his ways better. Probably a bit of both. And as I am writing this, I realize that my Myrrh Maids also have to be included here too. And I hear many in my current Bible study group, also very generous and compassionate in our discussions and they amaze me. Sometimes I get impatient with what is being said or how the conversation is going and someone will so lovingly validate what is being said and move the conversation a bit at the same time, and I am in awe at how well they do it and I have to smile to myself. CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 9 of 11

I have come to realize that the more tools I have to help me to stay authentic and connected, the more I can stay curious and open. It becomes less of a threat to find out about new things and new people. My whole world has begun to open up around me! The expansion is enormous and scary and exciting all at once. And here is a confession: I am having a hard time staying grounded and connected to the source. Sometimes I feel as if God has picked me up; I m being lifted up and propelled forward, with his breath being the source of the lift. The only problem is that I have gotten very busy and have strayed far away from my disciplines. I think the last sermon that I ve heard is the sermon where Bruce talked about how when we lose our way or get away from the source, all we have to do is go back to where we left off. Not a bad sermon to have left off from. I remember thinking to myself that makes sense, and I also know it to be true. So I am being carried right now, and it feels like it is under God s power so is it okay to not check in as much? I already know the answer, no; that is where Satan can come marching in, as I become careless and derail things. Now that is a scary thought. I am finding that perhaps the biggest indicator that I m on the right track is that I feel joy, an expansiveness, a freedom, and appreciation. When I am not on the right track, I feel yucky and rigid. So I will continue to read Mr. Carnegie because I can hear him, to be reminded and continue to take baby steps on this new path that opens up new worlds and possibilities. And I hope that I can remember to take quiet time, spending time with the Spirit, so I can stay clear on my intentions and remember to be grateful. I d like give you a few phrases from Mr. Carnegie s book that I think ring true: Real Salesmanship is not Argument. The human mind isn t changed that way. A man convinced against his will, is of the same opinion still. If someone does not ask your opinion, then do not state it. Do not make him wrong. (Boy, can I hear that one from the twelvestep programs. Stay on your own side of the street. And worry about keeping your side clean, no one else s.) CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 10 of 11

And I will end on a final note with these two quotes from Brother David Steinall-Rast: Joy goes beyond happiness. Joy is the happiness that does not depend on what happens. It springs from gratefulness... The key to life in fullness is gratification. Thus bringing it back again to the beginning of this sermon with the quote from Bruce: Everything humans do is being motivated by the principle of pride or the principle of gratitude. And again, I would like to add, either by lust or by love. Or for that matter, any of the Seven Deadlies. We need to cultivate openness and practice courage, this is our task. But transformation, when it happens, is pure gift. The courage part was kind of easy for me, maybe because of who I am and also because pain is a great motivator. The openness was a harder one for me and still is, but I like to think that I m getting better at it. The transformation... it is happening; I can feel it! And it does feel like a pure gift. * * * Father let us make every move, knowing where you stand and therefore where we are to go. * * * CLOSING: So why do we do what we do? To manipulate, or because we are being mindful, being guided by the Holy Spirit and then grateful no matter what the outcome brings? And perhaps the gift of the transformation comes. We just keep on putting one foot in front of the other, trying to be faithful and true to Spirit, to our inner selves and practice courage and openness and a transformation can happen! It can and does!! Amen! CINDY DUPUIE 2013 ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. PAGE 11 of 11