July 15, 2012 Luke 17:11-21 A couple of friends from Connecticut decided to spend some of their vacation together, and they chose to go to a dude ranch in Wyoming called Where the Buffalo Roam. They both knew how to ride horses Eastern-style, so it didn t take them long to adapt to Western saddles and more casual approaches. Soon they were riding the range together each morning, and enjoying all the activities and parties in the afternoons and evenings. One morning they came over a little rise and found themselves in the midst of a small herd of buffalo (actually bison, but you know how it is) grazing quietly by a little stream. They reigned up and took in the idyllic scene for a bit, then moved slowly toward the stream and the buffalo. One said to the other, Whew, this is not like in the movies. Gawd, what a smell! I never imagined that buffalo could be so mangy and look so dirty. I know, said the other. Who could imagine that such romantic creatures of story and legend could be so pathetic in reality? I wonder why they keep them here? I feel like we ought to get out of here before we catch something itchy and yucky. As the two riders disappeared back in the direction from which they had come, one buffalo turned to the other and said, Even though we are home on the range, I think we have just heard a discouraging word. There may be someone here who cannot identify with those buffalo, but I doubt it. Most of us have heard ourselves described in uncomplimentary ways from time to time. We have been scolded, shamed, accused, unfavorably compared, maligned, defamed, written off, insulted from time to time. One of the Ten Commandments suggests that we should not bear false witness against our neighbors. But it still happens regularly, even in polite society maybe especially in polite society. Some of us suspect that even this is not the real source of what is euphemistically referred to in our time as low self-esteem. How deep do you have to go beneath the veneer before you hit the leper layer? There is a leper inside of every one of us. I m unclean. I m not okay. I m not good enough. I m not really fit for human society. When I was younger, I thought it was just me and a few others who felt this way. Most people were fine, smiling, happy, effective, and doing well, but a few of us hadn t figured it out yet or maybe we were just born with more flaws than regular folks. Anyway, out there somewhere were groups of better, happier people. There were in-groups in high BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 1 OF 8
school and college, and there are in-groups or seem to be in every organization, company, church, and club, no matter what its name or stated purpose. The sign may say All are welcome, but no sign ever guarantees that if you come in, you will be part of the in-group. That s where the happy, mature, successful, healthy people dwell. The rest of us live with our flaws and failings, and we keep hoping to get over them so that one day we can join the happy, mature, successful people. Or maybe some of us give up on that eventually and decide to spend our time trying to help the other flawed people make life a little better for somebody. But the truth is, the notion of the happy people the ones who have easy, pleasant, successful lives is a charade. You might think they really do exist, if you go to weddings and parties and always stay up on the surface of life. But if so, you aren t seeing much of what is going on around you. There is always the leper within. The happy people the in-group people are only better at pretending. You have heard the phrase, Put a good face on it. Some people really learn to do this well. Actually, some people are taught this game from early childhood. They use social gatherings to keep in practice. They get dressed up, cleaned up, and go pretend for a while that there is no leper within. Some of them even work on the script they will use. Some have several scripts and they practice acting the part, saying the phrases that match, even practicing in front of a mirror the facial expressions that fit. How hard is it to have an honest, intimate conversation at a cocktail party or at any normal social gathering? Persona personality mask. It s a game. But the reality is, there is always the leper within for all of us. Several times in my life I have moved from the loner s circle to the outsiders circle to the insiders circle. It is shocking, but there is no difference. The insiders group puts on a better front. Yet one-on-one, they are just as vulnerable, just as uncertain, just as full of fears and questions and doubts as the outsiders. I have lived in Andover, Massachusetts; in Redlands, California; on Mercer Island, Washington; in Corona del Mar, California. These are places known to be haunts for the crème de la crème of the insiders. Of course, there are always a few of us lepers mixed in just to keep things from floating into the stratosphere. But I am mentioning it as a matter of fact, not of pride, that I have lived in some of the choice places in the world for most of my working life. BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 2 OF 8
Even in these supposedly choice places, people would talk to me constantly about low self-esteem. In earlier times, we called it an inferiority complex. The best shield, of course, was a persona of wellmodulated confidence. But in private or in the pastor s study, they would drop the mask. They struggled with fears and feelings of worthlessness. Their children were inflicted with it. Their friends were inflicted with it. Their spouses were inflicted with it. With pain and genuine concern, they would tell me how their lives could be so much better how it seemed like they could be so much happier and more effective if only they were not crippled, or at least hampered or cut back or cut down, by low selfesteem. Often it was puzzling because these were wonderful people. They were conscientious, responsible, and often high achievers. Most of the people who knew them didn t even know that they wrestled with such demons on the inside. But there is always the leper within. Where does it come from? Why is it so hard to get rid of? I m unclean. I m not okay. I m not good enough. I m not really fit for human society. No matter what I do, how much I do, or how well I do it, it is never enough, never good enough. It is true: We can never accomplish enough, get enough done, or do it well enough to throw out the inner leper. Underneath, there are feelings, attitudes, anger, pain, and uncertainty. We seem never to know for certain whether it is something wrong in us, or whether it is a response to what is wrong all around us or both. And always there is evil, though mostly nobody talks about that, at least not on any personal level. We pretend there is no Adversary no Satan or satanic principles dogging our steps in the everyday events of our efforts and our lives. Yet the more we try to ignore it, the more we hear the voice of the leper within: You re unclean. You re not okay. You re not good enough. You re not really fit for human society. Of course, nobody wants to connect this with the Jesus story. If we bring Jesus into it, we are soon facing the spectre of conversion. It s much easier to go looking for childhood trauma; flaws in our parents; flaws in ourselves; bad choices we have made; bad things that have happened to us: betrayal, abuse, difficult experiences, hidden fears. They are there, if we go looking for them. Seek and you will find. And to be fair, we have survived and moved past a lot of them. So maybe we can learn to do that more and more and better and better. Let s not worry about it too much; we re surviving, aren t we? It ll be okay. We re getting BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 3 OF 8
stronger and better all the time. To be sure, something is always going wrong or somebody we love is always in trouble, but maybe tomorrow will be better. And that s pretty true until the next trauma, disappointment, sickness, or loss brings the leper out of hiding again. Maybe we don t even get too upset by that. But those who love us notice, and they wish they could find a way to cure our low self-esteem. Just as we wish we could cure theirs. What is the usual solution? Reassurance, of course. You aren t seeing clearly. You aren t that bad. You are fine even wonderful. Look at all you have done all you have accomplished. Look at how many people value you and love you. Just get over it! Stop feeling that way. Snap out of it. Buck up. Learn to play the pretend game better and more convincingly. Have some self-confidence. Nobody s perfect. You re just tired, or depressed. Have some chocolate ice cream. Or maybe a good... well, you know, something more personal. And it helps. Friends who love us really help. Families who surround us with caring and appreciation really do help. But it is never deep enough or consistent enough to heal the leper once and for all. The leper within is a universal malady. There is a solution, but there is no cure. Pretending we are fine is neither a solution nor a cure. If we try to tell ourselves we are okay, it doesn t stick. We have no such authority. If those outside us tell us we are okay, we don t really believe them either. They don t know us at our worst or very far beneath the surface. So the leprosy continues to plague us, and to spread. Where does it come from, this leper within? I m unclean. I m not okay. I m not good enough. I m not really fit for human society. By the way, if anybody on the outside starts saying such things about us or about the people we love, we get an instant, if temporary, cure. Anger surges. Why is that? If an outsider human starts finding fault, that snaps us out of it. They are not that much better, and we are not slow to tell them so. Maybe in some moments, conscious of a particular sin or error, we can acknowledge and repent. But that is not the leper within. That is the saint within. If the saint were not there too, we would not have survived nearly this long. The leper within is not coming from what others are telling me. It comes from what I perceive to be true about myself. And that is why BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 4 OF 8
the reassurance of others is never enough, and why it does not last. If they tell me I am fine and wonderful, it does not heal the leper within. It only lets me know that they do not understand that they do not know what I know about myself. And what I know, though we do not all put it into the same words, is that I was created by God to be far beyond far more than what I can live up to. My soul is empty and imperfect apart from this God, and when anything reminds me of the distance between us, it reminds me of a loneliness, a wrongness, an incompleteness that threatens to overwhelm my soul. I try quickly to get busy, to shake it off, to think of other things, to get back to what I am interested in or to things I need to do. But it leaves a residue of uneasiness, of anxiety, of knowing I am not right somehow. I long to be more than I am. I know that I am designed to be more than I am. And if anybody catches me honest or aware in such a moment, they know I am having a problem with... low self-esteem. I had a good friend back in seminary days I thought he was the best student and the best preacher in our class and Carl used to say, I itch in a place where nothing in this world can scratch. Yes, well not to offend anybody, but low self-esteem is not a job for a psychologist. It is not a job for a loving parent, a caring friend, or a skilled teacher. It is a job for Jesus. Jesus heals the lepers. Even more to the point, Jesus heals the leper within. But let us be clear: The reason Jesus does not heal many of us of our inner leper is because we will not let Him. We do have to be willing to give the inner leper over to Him. And frankly, that takes more trust than most humans have. Or in the old language: more faith. We are into almost pure Gospel now, if you will allow it. Jesus does not heal the inner leper by fixing us. That is always where we want to go with things, even with religion or perhaps especially with religion. We want Jesus to fix us so we can get back to doing our own things in our own way back to the life we want, or think we want, only without having any of our old problems, like anger or fear or low self-esteem. We want Jesus to fix us so we can join the happy, popular, smiling, mature people. But Jesus will not fix us. If you notice the New Testament stories, Jesus heals but never fixes us. Unlike most other humans, Jesus has too much respect for the Creator to try to fix what the Creator has designed. Jesus does what nobody else does what nobody else imagined or even BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 5 OF 8
thought of. It always looks to us like a miracle. He breaks all the rules we know about uses principles we have never heard of and wouldn t trust if we had heard of them. It is so unfair, only one of the ten lepers comes back to say thank you comes back to get rid of the leper within. That s why only one of the lepers was healed clear down on the deep interior level. The mark of his healing was the life-spring of redeeming, transforming gratitude. We now have words for the experience, even though the reality is still about as rare and untried as it was in Jesus time. The solution to the leper within is conversion. We must be born anew. In the imagery of baptism, we die to the old life and come out of the water into a New Life. The only thing we can do about the leper within is drown it. Come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy-laden... You can think Jesus is talking about your workload and your workaholism if you like. But He is talking about the leper within. By the way, if you drown the leper within, it will drown your workaholism, your unreasonable workload, and your overbusy calendar too. But that s a by-product. That is, it is the leper within that drives you so unmercifully. Jesus would never do that to you. Nevertheless, Jesus heals but does not fix us. We do not suddenly overcome all our flaws and imperfections. We do not suddenly discover ways to make all the right decisions, take care of all our responsibilities, clean up all our flaws, or help all the people we care about. The One with true authority tells us we are accepted, we are in His in-group, we are valued and loved by the Omnipotent God. That doesn t fix us, but the leper within has no power to control us against authority like that. So the marks of leprosy begin to fade away. Turn will and life over to the care of God. It is the Third Step. If you want to be brave and courageous, go to the Eleventh Step, but you cannot get there without going through the Third Step. There is nothing here about our being noble, about our being warriors, about our being servants or ambassadors. It is God s move, not ours. Turn will and life over to the care of God. Die to self. Surrender. Let go and let God. We know the phrases. We hate them or love them. And if you have been one of the fortunate ones one who has stumbled into the New Life in Christ Jesus by the sheer mercy and grace of the Holy Spirit then you also know what the church too seldom teaches: every morning, when you awaken, you must turn it over all over again. And if you do not, the inner leper is waiting to rise again, eager and willing to take its old place and run your life just like it did before. BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 6 OF 8
I am only saying words, but the reality is not just words. Christ directs our lives or the inner leper directs our lives. Some people have said to me, not all that long ago, and in all seriousness: What about people who live in really nice places, with really nice houses and cars and jobs? What about people who have really good lives already? What about people who are not starving or sick or being persecuted? What about people who have faithful spouses, and who like their careers and have every reason to look forward to good years and a comfortable retirement? What about them? Why would they want to turn their lives over to Jesus? Why would they want to be born anew? Why would they want to trade the lives they have for the interference and changes and demands of the Holy Spirit coming into their hearts and minds and souls, and maybe even sending them on assignments and into purposes they might not like very much, especially at first? You think those are reasonable questions, and hard to answer? Have you been hoodwinked by the idolatry of our age? Sorry, you are asking the wrong person. I have been a pastor to people like that all my life. I have been content to stay in plush suburban communities because I cannot think of any place where people need Jesus more. I am not fooled by the outer accoutrements. I know how happy they make people. I see and feel and hear the suffering behind the facade and know that where it counts most, it is just as painful and severe to be rich as it is to be poor. I wish everybody had more resources. But human resources are no match for sin or Satan or death. Human resources do not bring love, spiritual healing, purpose, or eternal Life. A part of me that doesn t much matter would rather live in pleasant surroundings. But do I still measure life by outer, physical things? Do I really believe that our salaries feed our souls? I may be one of the few ministers who really knows that Jesus is just as much the Christ for Nicodemus, Joseph of Arimathea, Zacchaeus, and Mary Magdalene as He is for Bartimaeus, the Gerasene demoniac, and the ten lepers. Just as Nicodemus turned toward Jesus despite or maybe because of all the wealth and prestige and success available in his world, likewise I hope all of us will too. Jesus is worth any price. Jesus is, in fact, the pearl of great price. No matter where we live and no matter where we go on the surface of the earth, we must still face the leper within and the Angel of Death and so must everyone around us. We try pretty hard, sometimes, to keep too busy to notice. But that only means we face our inner beings BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 7 OF 8
exhausted. The truth is: Wherever you live and whatever you think you have in this world, there is still the leper within and there is still the Angel of Death. I believe that most human beings long somehow and profoundly to find their true identity and purpose under God. We do not do that by ourselves. We only do that by giving up our lives and turning them over to the Holy Spirit of Jesus. I know that the self-deceived have no need to lie, and that some people will never hear or heed the Gospel. But lots of you have and will continue to do so even if on the surface you are better off than most of the world s population. Hordes of Christians want to think that Jesus fixes us that if we believe hard enough and long enough, we will become worthy. Sorry, that simply is not true at least not for me. I am unclean! I am unworthy! This is not going to change. But that Cross is still there. Christ did not die for the godly. He did not come for the worthy. Christ died for the ungodly. While we were yet sinners... (Romans 5:6-8) I am not worthy of God, the love of God, or a relationship with the Christ of God. I never will be. Who can deserve something like that?! Jesus does not fix us; He heals us. That Cross is still there. The might and majesty of the Savior s love still holds me valuable. Nothing can ever cut beneath that or rescind it or undo it. In our understanding and comprehension, this is always pure mystery and miracle. Yet even the leper within cannot undo or contradict it, and so its power and impact begin to fade within us. In the awareness of God s love in the wake of its disclosure comes a great and growing gratitude. If something could make me worthy, the gratitude would slowly fade. I would be worthy of God s love; I would begin to realize that I deserve it. Eternal Life would only be simple justice, the fruit of my deserving. Perhaps that is your reality, but I can promise you, it is not mine! Such a day will never come for me. Gratitude deep and wide is and always shall be my portion. And so I suggest that we do not have to fail on the outside, or move to the slums, or go somewhere where people are in deep and serious trouble... to notice and minister to the pain and need and soul-hunger of our world. Ever and always, it is all around us. But so is the presence of the Holy Spirit of Jesus the Christ. Thanks be to God. BRUCE VAN BLAIR 2012 All rights reserved. PAGE 8 OF 8