Copyright 2015 by Robert W Kendall and Meredith A Kendall

Copyright 2015 by Robert W Kendall and Meredith A Kendall All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without prior written permission of the publisher. Published in Thompson Station, TN by 180 Publishing ISBN: 978-0-9881952-2-6

Week 4 "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."- Albert Einstein This week will be very similar to last week but we are going to talk about: Shame, Guilt, Relationships that are Co-dependent and dysfunctional. Do you know the difference between guilt and shame? Guilt is about what I have done and Shame is about who I am Shame: Who I am. Because of what you have done you feel less than or hopeless; worse yet because of the words of others spoken over you as a child and if you are in unhealthy relationships they words can still be being spoken. With shame being in control of us we can find ourselves feeling helpless, in a state of depression or even medicating the pain through addictive behaviors, not just drugs or alcohol but also shopping, pornography or even unhealthy relationships. How do we get out of not letting shame control us and what type of relationships do we find ourselves in if we do live with shame? First let s look at a few things that become learned behaviors especially if you grow up living in dysfunctional family atmosphere. If you grow up in this family dynamic or are creating it yourself today we sometimes transfer our shame to other relationships. It is call transference of shame and it can be done directly or indirectly. The direct ways are through words like: Everything was fine until you came along You are no good You are just like your father Can t you do anything right You ought to be ashamed of yourself The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 2 of 16

The indirect transference of shame is more through actions or lack of actions, such as: There is no opportunity to resolve traumatic events the no talk rule says be silent act as if never happened. Abuse creates shame especially if the person tries to get help and no one hears the cries for help or worse yet they are told it somehow is their fault they are being abused. Family secrets can produce shame. Did you grow up with this? Or maybe even today this was a learned behavior so you are bringing it into the relationship. Journal thoughts on this: The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 3 of 16

Guilt: What I have done. Allowing ourselves to continually think because we did something bad, we need to stay in a place of not being worthy, creates many sabotaging- deliberate destruction, in relationships. First we can talk ourselves into believing we deserve to be in an abusive relationship. Remember that abuse is not just physical or sexual, it is also verbal and emotional. They all have their own effects on our lives. Because of guilt and not forgiving ourselves for something in our past, we talk ourselves into thinking this is the best that life has to offer. So how do we forgive our self for an event or action that it keeps our self-esteem and even self- confidence in the low position? By not forgiving ourselves we can find ourselves being only attracted to unhealthy relationships. Not forgiving ourselves for something and allowing others to continue to remind us of our wrong doing can also cause us to find ourselves in a state of helplessness, depression or even medication our pain through addictive behaviors. Here is a prayer for you if you would like to find the freedom that forgiveness has to offer. Heavenly Father, I forgive myself. I forgive myself for:(now write down every past event you need to be forgiven for) I ask that You forgive me. Father I ask that I would lose sight of the offense, and if I am ever reminded of the offense, that I will dismiss that memory as an old, resolved conflict I no longer want to revisit. Father I ask that I would simply forget the incident and move on with rebuilding healthy relationships as you lead me to do so. Father, please show me how to love myself the way you do. Father, show me how to turn my offenses into concern for others well-being. Father, I am moved to forgive myself because I desire to be obedient to you and desire for you to be glorified. Father, I ask that you would forgive me for not forgiving myself before now and remove from my heart any consequences or disease from not forgiving myself in the past. Father I confess that I will need your help to live out this forgiveness and I ask you to give me the strength to live true to the forgiveness. Father, please bless my life in every way and heal me of any emotional or physical wounds that I have caused from suffering so long. i The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 4 of 16

Journal thoughts on what you just learned: Shame and Guilt Then the event: because you have no expectation and your lack of being in control of the action has now created an event that has major consequences. Which then leads to another opinion or lowering the opinion you already have event opinion An opinion has been formed and it has an effect on your EXPECTATION in life Which then can create no action at all or worse yet a bad action that will have a consequence that you will need to deal with most of or all of your life. action Expectation Your Expectation could be that you deserve what you get because your opinion of yourself is so low The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 5 of 16

What we need to realize is that when we allow outside sources to control us we have to be prepared to accept the consequences. Based on what we have learned from the cycles what consequences could happen if we allow these following things to be in control of us? Anger: Rage: Unforgiveness: Shame: Guilt: Addictions: Words from our past: If we want a different outcome on any of these controlling factors we need to remember to see ourselves worthy to change the cycle to read like this: And what will my opinion be of myself? Opinion Expectation What do you want the expectation to be? What events will occur if I indeed follow through? Event Action What actions do I need to do if I want that EXPECTATION? The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 6 of 16

Before we get into the word Relationship, I want to ask you a question. Do you know what the 2 main ingredients in Pizza Dough is? They are Flour and Water. They actually make up about 95% of the product. So what do you think is in the other 5% that makes it great tasting dough? Well, that answer depends on what style of pizza you like. What I want you to see is that just like pizza dough most everybody can be lumped into a 95% category of some sort. What I want to talk about is the other 5%. What makes you different? This can be a good different or a bad different? So write down what makes you different The last ingredient in making dough and it is the smallest amount used is yeast. This smallest amount of ingredient though, is the most important. It is mixed all through the dough and allows for it to rise into a perfect pizza foundation, the crust. Yeast has such power that even Jesus talks about it. Later, after they crossed to the other side of the lake, the disciples discovered they had forgotten to bring any bread. Watch out! Jesus warned them. Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees. At this they began to argue with each other because they hadn t brought any bread. Jesus knew what they were saying, so he said, You have so little faith! Why are you arguing with each other about having no bread? Don t you understand even yet? Don t you remember the 5,000 I fed with five loaves, and the baskets of leftovers you picked up? Or the 4,000 I fed with seven loaves, and the large baskets of leftovers you picked up? Why can t you understand that I m not talking about bread? So again I say, Beware of the yeast of the Pharisees and Sadducees. Then at last they understood that he wasn t speaking about the yeast in bread, but about the deceptive teaching of the Pharisees and Sadducees. Matthew 16:5-12 (NLT) The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 7 of 16

Relationships: When you are not in control of yourself by not knowing what you want in life we create codependency and dysfunction in our relationships. Co-dependency is a behavior that leaves you continually unfulfilled because you are always looking for and taking care of everyone else. Your excuses may be but they need me, what will happen if I am not there? You are always worrying about everyone else and their feelings that you allow yourself to be taken advantage of; stay in abusive relationships, all the while being miserable and unhappy. A dysfunctional relationship makes you feel confined, and that you will never be good enough. You never fit in even though you are always changing to attempt to fit in. You are always apologizing even though you didn t do anything wrong. Then you find other ways to make yourself happy. This can be done through affairs and or addictions, or it could be you just get involved in another activity so that you don t have to be around that relationship. So how do we remove ourselves from co-dependent and dysfunctional relationships? Remember in week 2 we asked questions like: who are you? What do you like? What do you dislike? What do you want out of a relationship? So start with the word EXPECTATION and follow the cycle around. How will this affect my opinion of myself? And what will my opinion be of myself? Opinion Expectation What do YOU want out life? Who am I? What do I like? What events will occur if I indeed follow through on my likes and desires? Event Action What actions do I need to do if I want that EXPECTATION? The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 8 of 16

Journal your thoughts on what you just learned and what you need to change: For your homework this week you have Galatians 5:13-23 written in The Message (a paraphrase translation) and also written in the New Living Translation. You will find 5 blank Bible Study sheets like we used in Week 1. Take your time this week and mediate on these verses. The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 9 of 16

It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don t use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that s how freedom grows. For everything we know about God s Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself. That s an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then? My counsel is this: Live freely, animated and motivated by God s Spirit. Then you won t feed the compulsions of selfishness. For there is a root of sinful self-interest in us that is at odds with a free spirit, just as the free spirit is incompatible with selfishness. These two ways of life are antithetical, so that you cannot live at times one way and at times another way according to how you feel on any given day. Why don t you choose to be led by the Spirit and so escape the erratic compulsions of a lawdominated existence? It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex; a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage; frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness; trinket gods; magic-show religion; paranoid loneliness; cutthroat competition; all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants; a brutal temper; an impotence to love or be loved; divided homes and divided lives; small-minded and lopsided pursuits; the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival; uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions; ugly parodies of community. I could go on. This isn t the first time I have warned you, you know. If you use your freedom this way, you will not inherit God s kingdom. But what happens when we live God s way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears in an orchard things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely. (the Message) For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love. For the whole law can be summed up in this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself. But if you are always biting and devouring one another, watch out! Beware of destroying one another. So I say, let the Holy Spirit guide your lives. Then you won t be doing what your sinful nature craves. The sinful nature wants to do evil, which is just the opposite of what the Spirit wants. And the Spirit gives us desires that are the opposite of what the sinful nature desires. These two forces are constantly fighting each other, so you are not free to carry out your good intentions. But when you are directed by the Spirit, you are not under obligation to the law of Moses. When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division, envy, drunkenness, wild parties, and other sinslike these. Let me tell you again, as I have before, that anyone living that sort of life will not inherit the Kingdom of God. But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against these things! Galatians 5:13:23(NLT) The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 10 of 16

Date: Write the scripture reference Write out the scripture on the right side Re-write the scripture in your own words on the left side Then answer these questions: What does this scripture say to me? How can you apply it to my life? Scripture: The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 11 of 16

i Adapted and used by permission from Be Transformed by John Robin Murphy 2010 The 180 Curriculum 2015 Page 16 of 16