Keynote The Parts of Christ s Body that Seem Weak Are Indispensable Bernadette Todd
I'd like to start today by asking each of you a personal question. Have you ever been faced with a situation in your life that was so fearful and overwhelming that God just seemed hidden? Distant and unexplainable? I'm asking if there's ever been a time in your life that was so dark that you simply felt broken and crushed? Well, friends, you're about to hear that I've had a lot of times like that in my life. But, there's a verse in the Bible that really brings me a lot of encouragement and maybe it will encourage someone here today. It's Psalm 34:18. It says that the Lord is close to the brokenhearted and He saves those who are crushed in spirit. Let's pray. Lord, thank you that you know each of us by name, you know our hearts. God, you know which ones of us came here today with a heart secretly broken inside. So, God, today I pray that you would surround us with the arms of your love. I pray, God, that as I speak, people here will not see Bernadette, but that they will see you, Jesus, and that each one will leave encouraged and inspired by all that you've done in and through my life. It's in your name I pray, Jesus. Amen. Amen. Well, friends, my story began with tears. You see, I was five years old and eavesdropping was my favorite pastime. You see, even at that young age, I knew what that big word meant. Because I was always listening in to conversations that weren't intended for me. And somehow I would tell everybody what I heard at a really bad time. But, on this particular day, the temptation was too great. You see, we had just gotten home from a doctor visit and my parents quickly put me in my room with coloring books and crayons and then they went to their room and they turned the door. Well, at five years old, I couldn't walk and I didn't have a wheelchair yet, but I heard my parents crying and I wanted to get to them to find out why they were crying. Now, the only thing I could do at the time was crawl. So, as I heard them crying, I just started to pull my little body across the floor, down the hall to their room. And when I got there and I looked in the small opening of the door, what I saw broke my heart. Because you see, not only was my mom crying, but my daddy was crying and my dad, he was the strong protector of our home. He was the first one that would come running to my room when I was crying that there was a boogeyman in my closet. To me at five, I believed that if my dad cried, it meant that the world was ended. So I got really close, hiding in the shadows, listening, to find out what horrible thing has happened and why my daddy would cry. And I found out that the world he's crying about was mine. You see, they had just learned that I have a disease called Infantile Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Now that is a form of Muscular Dystrophy. This particular form affects children at birth and it Bernadette Todd Page 1 of 10
weakens and deteriorates their muscles to the point of death, usually by the age of eight. Well, as I looked in the room, I could see that my parents were devastated. My dad had tears coming down his face, his hands lifted to the ceiling. Why, God? Why? Why are you letting this happen to us? He said, What have we done to deserve this? I will never forget because my mom, she turned to him, tears rolling down her face, she said, What has our little girl done to deserve this? Well, at five years old, you don't really understand the full meaning of death, but you know enough about it to fear it. And it was then that fear overtook my little heart. I remember wanting to crawl into the room and into their arms and just let them hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. But, I couldn't go in. You see, eavesdropping had got me in enough trouble before. In fact, just two weeks before that, I got in big trouble because I told everyone at my mom's big party that our neighbor, she wears a wig. So, I couldn't go in there. Instead, I began crawling back to my room with the weight of the world on my 5-year-old shoulders. As I was going back to my room, I remember wanting only one thing and that was the opportunity to grow old. Now, I was one of those little girls, maybe you have a child like this, I would ask every adult I came in contact with, How old are you? And I remember my parents told me they were 30. Well, when you're five, 30 is ancient. And so, that day, I prayed my first ever little prayer, all by myself, without the help of my parents. God, please don't let it be true. I don't want to die. God, could you let me live to be old? Like mom and daddy? Could you just let me live to be 30? And then I started to pray that same prayer night after night. Well, friends, I grew up in Jamaica. And that was hard. You see, disabled children there are treated like outcasts. Friends and family advised my parents to put me in an institution and to replace me in the family by adopting a normal child. I heard people say to my parents, Don't waste your time on her. Don't even spend money educating her. Because nothing good will ever become of her life. But, thankfully, my parents, they loved me. And they were determined that they would try everything they could to keep me and take care of me. But, it was already becoming difficult. I needed physical therapy, but there was no information about my disease at the time and how to treat it there in Jamaica. That, in an effort to actually help me, the therapist overexerted my muscles to the point that you could hear me screaming and crying down the hall. I remember once, while having therapy, my dad came storming in the room, Stop, stop! I don't want to hear my girl cry anymore! But, then they pulled him aside and they convinced him that my agonizing cries were necessary for my progress. But on that day, they were wrong. They sent me home with a sprained ankle, torn ligaments and my little knees were just swollen. To this day, I could still see the image of my dad with his face just buried in the palms of his hands as he cried and cried over me that day. Bernadette Todd Page 2 of 10
Beginning to feel without hope, my parents turned to other sources. There was a man known on the island to be healing a lot of people and people were lining up for miles to meet with him. So, now, out of desperation and great love for me, my parents also joined that line. When they finally reached him, he told them what they already knew. Without intervention, your daughter will die. But, he said, if you leave her with me for two weeks, I will give her special medicine, pray for her night and day and then he guaranteed my healing. Well, as you can imagine, my parents wanted nothing more than to see me well. So, they began to put their trust in that man. But, little did they know, as they drove home that day, that they were leaving me in the hands of a Voodoo Witch Doctor. Friends, I was only seven years old. At seven years old, my parents had no idea that their little girl would now be forced to participate in animal sacrificing. That I would be forced to drink blood. That people would dance around my little body, chant over me, holding sticks with fire. It was then that I began to feel maybe there is no God. Because if there is a God, he forgot me. I felt abandoned, even by my parents, who were simply trying to help me. Well, when the two weeks passed and my parents came back to get me, I wish you could see the look of disappointment on their face. You see, nothing had changed. I was exactly the way I was when they left me. The man said it was a difficult case. More time, more money would be necessary. But, thankfully, when I told my dad what was happening, he got me home right away. Well, I was home schooled up until that time, about seven years old, and my parents began to see how sociable I was becoming and how intelligent I was. And they thought perhaps it would be better for me to be in school with other children. So, my dad began going all around Jamaica to find the best school for me and every principal he met with would turn him away. We don't take crippled children in our school. This is not a hospital. Finally, one school said, Okay, we'll take her, if you'll pay double the price of the other kids for her. Loving me as much as they did, my mom and dad paid double so I could have an education. But when I got to that school, the children laughed at me, they teased me, many of them would not even touch me because they were so afraid that they would catch my disease. Just imagine if you came here today and no one would sit to your left or your right. That's how it was for me every day in school in Jamaica. I remember one particular day, I needed to use the bathroom. Now, I would try to hold all day and not go to the bathroom so I wouldn't have to ask anyone to help me. But on this day, I couldn't. And so, I asked my teacher, and she asked two older girls, if they could help me in the bathroom and she told us of a bathroom that was private in another building, where other kids Bernadette Todd Page 3 of 10
would not bother us. Well, these two girls took me to the bathroom, sat me on the toilet, and they left me there the entire afternoon. I just cried and I cried until I felt like there were no more tears left in my eyes to cry. I sat on that toilet thinking, What is so wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want to be my friend? What's so terrible about me? Well, my teacher got so busy that she didn't even realize that I was missing. It wasn't until my dad came to pick me up from school that he found me, sitting on the toilet, singing songs about God that I learned in the school. But, with my toes turned completely purple because they were hanging down on the toilet all day and my circulation was cut off. Well, my parents then heard about the great opportunities for disabled children here in America and they brought me to Miami the next year. But, by that time, my lungs were on the verge of collapsing. You see, besides Muscular Dystrophy, I also developed scoliosis, which is where your spine is curved. And I want you to imagine, at that time, my spine was like an s and I was hunching over forwards and my head was hanging down to where my stomach is. In that position, and with my lungs so bad, I could barely breathe. In fact, speaking like I'm speaking to you today was impossible. I needed spinal fusion surgery, where they place titanium rods on each side of your spine to straighten you out. But, my spine was so bad they told us that they would have to stretch me in traction for two weeks beforehand. For this, and many of you have experienced this, they drilled tiny little holes around the crown of my head and they put a metal halo apparatus on my head and they hooked that halo to the head of the bed. To each of my knees, they drilled a screw going in one side, coming out the other and hooked to a little horseshoe on each of my knees, and hooked it on a contraption that was down towards the foot of the bed. And they stretched my body just a fraction of an inch every day for two weeks to achieve the height that I am right now. But that fraction of an inch left me in such excruciating pain, I'm talking about the kind of pain that no medication really stops, the kind of pain that you just get used to it and once I got used to it, it was time to crank it another notch. One night, after they had just cranked it and I was by myself in the hospital, I just screamed out in agony. God, I hate you! You don't love me, God! Do you even know me? I said, God, look at me, look at this body. I am nothing more than a mistake. A mistake that you made. And I told God, I don't want to live anymore. Yeah, I've praying to live to be 30, but I can't live another day in this pain, in this body. And I begged God with all of my heart, God, please, please, please take my life. Take my life. Friends, my heart was broken and my spirit was crushed. But, as we just read in the Bible, the Lord is close to the brokenhearted. And even though I could not see God in that moment of Bernadette Todd Page 4 of 10
pain, I couldn't feel Him, He was there. And I made it through the 9-hour surgery. I had to be homeschooled again for six months because I was wearing a full-body cast. But, I excelled so well at home that when I went back to school, I was able to skip the 9th grade. Things started to turn around in my life in high school. For the first time, I had a couple friends and I was starting to participate in activities at school. I was even homecoming queen of my high school. But something else was missing in my life. You see me sitting here with you in my wheelchair, but you need to understand, I am just like you. I have the same feelings that you do, the same hopes, the same dreams. And so, as I was graduating, I began noticing boys. And I wondered in my heart what would be my future. Because just like everybody in this room, I wanted love. Someone to love me as I am, bound to a wheelchair and losing strength, able to do increasingly less and less for myself every day. But who, apart from my parents, would ever love me this way? Who would really want someone that would be totally dependent on him? Well, I turned again to God. Still at this moment not really understanding who God was. The only thing I knew at the time was that, if you pray, He might hear you. And so I prayed for what I thought would be impossible, a husband. And little did I know, God was already working on it. Now, it's my first day of my second year of college and I'm very upset. I had failed a timed exam, a very important one, because I didn't have the physical ability to do it fast enough and I was being forced to take a certain class over again. So, I want you to come with me to this day. I'm sitting outside the classroom. Imagine that the doors are closed behind me, I can't really get in, so I'm just sitting outside the door and students are now beginning to come to the class. And, as they come, I turn my chair, Excuse me, excuse me, can you hold that? But, the door just closes in my face. So, I'm just sitting there feeling sorry for myself. And along comes this wonderfully gorgeous man. And I don't have to ask a thing. He comes up to me and says, Can I help you? And he takes the books off my lap, he opens the door, he moves the desk. Oh my goodness, he sat next to me. I tell you what, it's a good thing I took that class before, because I wasn't going to pay attention. I could not take my eyes off that man. When the class was over, he packs up all my books. Where's your next class? I'll walk with you. And he walks with me across the campus to my next class. Friends, I went home on cloud nine. I get to the door of my house, Mom, mom! I met the man I'm going to marry. I call my best friend, I met the man I'm going to marry. Both had different responses. Mom quickly had to sit me down, have a little talk. Just because a man is nice to you, sweetie, doesn't mean he wants to marry you. But my best friend, Bernadette Todd Page 5 of 10
bless her heart, she got in her car as fast as she could, came to my house with Brides magazine Yeah. That is a true friend. Well, this will show you how God could be working in a person's life, even when we don't know that He is. For me, this class was a review and I could take that class with my eyes closed. But, thankfully, Jeff, he needed both his eyes open and then some. So, that meant I could become his tutor, which for me was great. Because that means spending time with the man I'm going to marry and I get paid for it. Well, I spent a few weeks tutoring Jeff and it was great, and then one day, everything changed. I was on my way to my part-time job in the financial aid department and I see Jeff dropping the class, getting his money back. Well, my heart hit the floor. I did the quickest 360 you ever did see in a wheelchair and I rush over to him. Jeff, what are you doing? He says, I have a lot going on in my life right now. This is not for me. In my heart, I'm thinking, But, I'm for you, can't you see? And I said, Jeff, you can do this. I can help you. And he said, No, no, I'm sorry. Well, I'm the one who was sorry. I said, Well, Jeff, you have my number. Call me maybe. And I watched as Jeff walked out of my life. Well, the first week, no phone call. Second week, no phone call. Finally, on the third week he calls. Hi, Bernadette, I've missed you. Yes! He has missed me. He said, Can I come by campus and visit with you? Lunch, have lunch. I was so excited, I said, Sure you can. Jeff started coming by the campus every day to have lunch with me. Now Jeff, he always brought a Bible, but Jeff did not preach at me and he didn't judge me. But every day, he would tell me how much God loved me, how special I was to God, that I was created in God's image, and how, even if I was the only person on the planet, Jesus would still go to the Cross for me. And Jeff told me these things for months, but that man would not ask me out. So, I thought, Well, I need to take this matter into my own hands. So, I went to my parents. Mom, dad, you know my friend Jeff at school? The guy with the Bible? I said, What if we'd like to go on a little date? Now, poor Jeff hadn't even officially asked me yet, but I'm trying to help the guy out. And so my dad said, Honey, that would be great. But you need to take five chaperones with you. Five? Daddy, I'm 19, I'm in college. He says, Honey, you're in a wheelchair. I'm not letting you go with any strange guy without five chaperones. Aw, man. So then my mom, she says, Honey, don't worry, it's your birthday next week. You and your friends are going to go celebrate. Just ask Jeff to come along. He won't have a clue you're being chaperoned by five people. Bernadette Todd Page 6 of 10
I said, Mom, you're the best. So, I rushed to the phone. Jeff, it's my birthday next week. My friends and I are going to go celebrate. Do you want to come along and be my date? Jeff's answer shocked me. He said, I'll be happy to go out with you and your friends if you'll come to church with me on Sunday. Church? I'm thinking, This is some kind of blackmail. And so, I'm thinking, Church? No, I don't want to do a church thing. Aw man, I don't want to do it. But, you know what? For this man, I'm doing the church thing. I said, Okay, I'll go to church with you. Well, as promised, Jeff was at my house bright and early Sunday morning to pick me up for church. Now, I want you to come with me to that Sunday, because that Sunday was my actual birthday and I couldn't get five friends to agree to chaperone me to church, so after much begging and pleading from both me and my mom, my dad agreed that Jeff could take me to church alone. So, I'm excited because it's my birthday and as far as I was concerned, I'm going on a hot date to church. So picture this, as Jeff comes to pick me up, me and my whole family - mom, dad, brother, sister - we are all smushed in the front window watching Jeff. And as Jeff gets out of his car, he has a wonderful bouquet of flowers in his hands and he has presents. And my family, they're like Awww, you're getting flowers, you're getting presents. All I could say is, Look at him, mom. Look at him, dad. Isn't he beautiful? So we're all looking at Jeff, and when Jeff reaches the door, my mom says Let's make him wait. Let's make him wait? My dad said, Listen to your mother. She said make him wait, we're going to make him wait. Well, we make Jeff wait and my mom goes to the door. You know what Jeff does? He gives her the bouquet. The flowers are for mom. Only one rose in that bouquet was for me. I hope the single guys are listening right now. Because by this time, mom was in love with him. Jeff could take me anywhere. But, he took me directly to church. And friends, it was as if the pastor's message was written just for me that day. I remember how he said that God knows everything about us, to the point that the hairs on our heads are numbered. For the first time in my life, I heard that God knows my name. And we read these verses that literally changed my life forever. I want to share them with you now. It's Psalm 139, verse 13-16. It says, For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. It says, My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. I love this part, All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them Bernadette Todd Page 7 of 10
came to be. Wow. For the first time in my life, I realized I am not a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes. Perhaps when people look at me, they see someone who's different. But, just as when God created the heavens and the earth in those seven days, every time He would create, He would stop and look back at what He had done and said, It is good. I imagine God looking at me in all my frailty and all my weakness and saying, She's good. She's good. And so on that day, my 20th birthday, I gave my life to Jesus. Because I saw in Him the One who really loves me as I am. Well, on that day, one of the birthday gifts Jeff gave me, besides my first Bible, was a little ring with a heart. And the ring fell off my finger because it was too big and he had to take it back to be made smaller. Six days later, Valentine's Day, we're out on our second official date and Jeff gives me a flower. And when he puts the flower to my face, I saw my ring there. Friends, when I pulled the ring out, now it had a diamond on it. And I said, Jeff, what does this mean? And he said, Will you marry me? I was so excited. And I thought, Well, maybe Jeff doesn't understand what it would mean to marry a girl like me. I said, Jeff, I'm bound to this wheelchair for life. It's not going to get better. He says, I love you. It doesn't matter. I said, Jeff, I will get weaker and weaker and more and more will be required of you. He says, I love you. It doesn't matter. I said, Jeff, this is a fatal disease. You could be a widower at a young age. Bernadette, can't you see? If I could just spend today with you, it's worth more than if I spend my whole life without you. Marry me, he said. Well, praise the Lord, only three months later, we got married and God has really blessed me. And you know, I know you might be wondering, Who is that mystery man Jeff? Jeff, are you here? Where is my Jeff? Yeah, there he is. Isn't he beautiful? Friends, I would be lying if I told you that life got easier after I gave my life to Jesus. Life isn't easy. I have gotten much weaker over the years. Today, little things like feeding myself and brushing my teeth have become impossible without Jeff's help. But, still, there's a joy in my heart because I understand something very important. You see, God has a purpose in what He allows in our lives. God has a purpose in what he allows in our lives. Throughout all the pain and all the suffering that I described to you today, God was there and He was working in all those things to do the impossible in my life. I wonder what in your life feels impossible today. I told you at five years old I began begging God if I could live to the ripe old Bernadette Todd Page 8 of 10
age of 30. Well, I'm so happy to let you know, that just a few weeks ago, I celebrated my 48th birthday. Not only that, but this year in May, Jeff and I will celebrate our 28th wedding anniversary. Friends, when I think about all that disability ministry means, the first person that comes to my heart and mind is Jeff. A man who chose to look beyond the wheelchair to see the heart of a person. A man who took the time to open a door. A man who took the time to move a desk. The man who took the time to take the load of books off a young girl's lap and carry them. Friends, I'm sitting here today, living proof of what God can do through any life. Any life. (Audience): Amen! Regardless of our inabilities. You know, I remember sitting in my church and I said, God, could you use someone like me who cannot even move? And I told God, You know, the best thing that works on this body is my mouth. Maybe, maybe I could use it for you. But I was so concerned about all that I couldn't do and then it came to my heart, II Corinthians 12:9-10. But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, because my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest on me. For when I am weak, then, and only then, am I strong. Friends, from that quick little prayer in my church, God has made me a missionary, traveling all around the world. Thousands and thousands of people have come to know Jesus. All I have to offer God is this thumb that I continually wave around, I don't know why. But I do. And this voice that is not very strong. So all that is accomplished through my ministry is not because of me, but because of Him and what He can do with a simple life. A simple life. One that they said nothing good would ever become of her life. Friends, something beautiful has become of my life. You know, when we see people with disabilities in our church, sometimes we say I wonder why. Why, God? Why did you allow that? Well, I used to ask God the same question. And now I never ask again after I read my favorite story in the Bible. It's found in John, Chapter 9. I'll read it to you real quick. It says, As he went along - and he is Jesus - he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind? Neither this man nor his parents sinned, said Jesus, but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life. Friends, everything that happened to me happened so the work of God could be displayed in my life. And no matter what you're going through here today, or what you will, I know God wants to show His works and His glory in and through your life as well. And when you see someone with a disability, understand that God wants to show His works through that person's life. Bernadette Todd Page 9 of 10
It is our responsibility as leaders in disability ministry to help those like myself to find their true potential. I am so grateful for my church and my pastor and all the leaders who, when I thought I couldn't, would push me and say Yes you can. I'll help you. That's all I needed. Someone to believe in me, someone to coach me, to come alongside me. Isn't that all God is asking us to do in disability ministry? Come alongside. We're all running the race. Some of us need someone sprinting beside us to take us to that finish line. We're not asking, those of us with disabilities, we're not asking for you to push us to the finish line, we're asking you to just run with us. Run beside us. Tell us we can do it. When we get tired, say come on, get up, let's go. We're all running the same race. But, let's not run it only for ourselves. Let's look to the left and to the right and say come on, come on, let's go. Amen. Let's go. Amen. God bless you. Thank you. Bernadette Todd Page 10 of 10