How your values shape your life By: David Young In this chapter, David will define what values are and why they are so important in our daily lives. The Life Mapping process will begin by quickly and simply identifying your own core values and creating your unique value statements. The purpose of life is a life of purpose. Robert Byrne Handbags, breast-pumps and punching bags I have a friend who hates shopping. He particularly hates to go shopping with his darling wife of 14 years. (Iʼve also been married for 14 years to my darling wife, but thatʼs pure coincidence. I wouldnʼt say anything bad about my wifeʼs shopping habits. Not me, okay?) Anyway, this friend of mine (whoʼs not me) and his darling wife (whoʼs not my darling wife) decide to go shopping at the local shopping mall one day Sweetie, would you like to come shopping with me today? We havenʼt been together in such a long time! Um, sure Darling. Now, some couples love to shop and thatʼs cool. But unless itʼs for sporting equipment or electronic gizmos (toys for boys), my friend canʼt stand it and heʼd gladly give up a kidney to avoid going shopping. Anyway, there they are at the mall calmly walking and chatting, and my friendʼs darling wife will have one eye locked on him, but with the other eye sheʼs constantly scanning every fashion and shoe shop for any sign of a sale. With her telescopic, infrared, X-Ray, laser beam eye! Always vigilant, always ready to pounce at the first sign of a good sale on fashion accessories. Sheʼs on the lookout for things that are of no interest to my friend whatsoever! She can spot a leather handbag on sale at 300 metres and then sheʼll strike with all the speed and agility of a cheetah stalking a fluffy, little, doe-eyed, baby gazelle. Sheʼll zoom in on the helpless handbag hanging innocently on the rack of the trendy fashion store and Boom! The next hour is spent looking at various assorted handbags, belts and shoes. And my friend is trapped with no possibility of escape without incurring the wrath of his darling wife of 14 years! 1
And yet, if my friend casually flicks his gaze towards the sports shop with the life sized, inflatable Darth-Vader punching bag in the display window, she rolls her eyes at him and says, Again with the toys? Havenʼt you got enough of those things already? I honestly donʼt know what you see in that stuff. Iʼll meet you at the coffee shop. Why does that happen? Itʼs because of a little thing known as selective biased attention. It means we focus on what we like. If youʼre into fast cars, youʼll notice every sports car that passes you on the road, right? Youʼll buy Top Gear magazine and your mobile phoneʼs ring-tone will be the glorious sound of a V8 revving. Or, when you become a new parent, youʼll suddenly be aware of all the baby items that you wouldnʼt have known existed before then. Nite-lights that play soothing sleepy-time lullabies, nappy disposal bins and breast-pumps! Your values determine your focus and your focus determines what you do, and what you do determines what you get. In life, your values drive your actions and consequently your results. In fact, your mind will often filter your perceptions depending on your values. Youʼll see things others donʼt and you wonʼt notice things otherʼs do. Itʼs why Iʼll never notice the trendy handbag on sale and my wife will never see the life-sized inflatable Darth-Vader punching bag. Weʼre all different. Of that, thereʼs no doubt. And none of us really understand the fascination anyone else has for the things that we arenʼt interested in. After all, if we donʼt find it interesting or important, itʼs got to be boring and pointless right? Hmmm. Maybe itʼs these very differences that make the world we live in is so complex, so fascinating and so much fun. We tend to focus on only that which interests us, on the things we value most. If you value how you look, you tend to buy cosmetics, nice clothes and accessories like trendy handbags. If you value sports and recreation you tend to buy life-sized, inflatable, Darth-Vader punching bags! Whatever it is that you value, youʼll spend your money, your energy and your free-time pursuing it. The burning house Do you know what you value? Itʼs a pretty basic question. It shouldnʼt be too difficult to answer, right? Go on then, think of something. If youʼre like most of us youʼll be thinking in terms of people and possessions. Hereʼs a scenario: Imagine your house is burning down, and you can only save a few 2
things before the flames force you to flee. What do you save first? Your highest priority is probably to save yourself and the other people you live with. Maybe then youʼll go for your pet dog, the one that pees all over the carpet. You might also take your jewellery and other personal mementos, like photos. If you can, youʼll grab some cash, but if youʼre clever, youʼll leave the credit cards to burn. And, if thereʼs still time, maybe youʼll run back in for a clean pair of undies and T-shirt (Iʼm assuming you sleep naked like I do!) Anyway you save those things that you love and need the most. Fair enough! This is a good mental exercise to focus on what is most important to us in terms of tangible things. But do these things really drive us in life? To some extent perhaps, but research in the field of positive psychology supports the view that the pursuit of material gain alone does not lead to fulfilment. You obviously place great value on your life and your loved ones. Of course you do! You also value personal items because they are a tangible reminder of your life and your loved ones. Yes, you value money too. Itʼs a practical consideration, a means to an end. Okay, so much for the obvious stuff. Now what about abstract things like: honesty, freedom, safety, or respect. Do you value those or do you maybe take some of them for granted? How about your dreams and aspirations? Hmmm, now weʼre getting somewhere. These things are perhaps not quite as obvious as the tangible stuff, but how would you be if you didnʼt have them? What would your life be like if your dreams were in that burning house? Would you save them before you saved your photos or your money? I suspect you would. Bright-eyed and bushy-tailed When we talk about values in the context of human behaviour, the values weʼre most interested in are the ones that influence our goals and our actions. These are the most important things in our lives, without which we wouldnʼt have a purpose to live. You know that feeling when youʼre lying in bed in the morning and you just feel like... bleah! Okay, so that feeling generally comes from drinking too much and pulling an all-nighter at the disco. But if itʼs not that, itʼs from not having your values driving your behaviour. You look at the upcoming day and think, Thereʼs just no point getting out of bed today! But do you also know the opposite feeling? When you wake up feeling alive and invigorated? You canʼt wait to get going because you love what you do or thereʼs something youʼre really looking forward to? Thatʼs more like the meaning of values that Iʼm talking about. 3
The Dictionary defines values as a collection of guiding, usually positive principles; what one deems to be correct and desirable in life, especially regarding personal conduct. Listen to some of those great words: guiding, positive, correct and desirable. What image does that conjure up? Guiding is something that is showing us the way, a direction, or a path. Positive is a plus or a benefit, adding something to our lives. Correct is the truth, the answer, something solid, dependable and good. And desirable is what we want to achieve, our aspirations and our goals. So what makes us jump out of bed bright-eyed and bushy-tailed? Is it whatʼs guiding, positive and correct what we aspire to be and do? Or is it what we desire to have? I think itʼs a combination of all these things and it is what forms the basis of the Be Do Have model of behaviour. Basically, we ask ourselves: who do I have to be so that I can do what I need in order to have the result I want. So, I like to break values into 2 categories: current and aspirational. Current values are what we want to have right now. Aspirational values are more concerned with the big picture, or our purpose. The combination of our values shape our character, our goals, our decisions and, ultimately our success. Theyʼre the driving principles that determine who we truly are, what we stand for, and how we act in order to live the life we want. And yet, most of us never take the time to explore or articulate what our values are. Why? If I were to ask you right now, what your top 5 values are, could you tell me? If you know with total certainty then I congratulate you. Very few people do. If, like most of us however, you canʼt articulate your values, if you havenʼt got a clear set of guiding, positive, correct and desirable principles to live by, then let me walk you through some simple exercises to get you started. It could be the most important 15 minutes of your life, or at least of your day! Real knowledge is to know the extent of oneʼs ignorance. Confucius Your personal CEO Now youʼre probably thinking to yourself, Oh no heʼs going to get me to do some work. I donʼt want to pick up a pen. I donʼt want to write anything down. Iʼm doing just fine without clearly stating my values. I intuitively know what they are, even if I canʼt articulate them. Yes you do. Thatʼs your inner voice, your subconscious mind. We all have a set of guiding values, even if we canʼt always articulate them. 4
But language is so important to the way our minds work. Virtually every time we have a conscious thought, we form it as a sentence in our minds. And, if we canʼt convert a value into a conscious thought by bringing it to the forefront of our minds (prefrontal cortex), how can we hope to turn it into conscious action? The human prefrontal cortex occupies a far larger percentage of the brain than in any other animal species. It has evolved and grown twice as fast as the rest of the brain to cope with the complexities of the human world. It is the thinking and problem solving part of the brain, the CEO if you like. In fact, brain surgeons refer to it as having executive function. It enables us to differentiate and choose between conflicting options, consider future consequences, set goals, predict likely outcomes, and manage expectations. It is the action plan part of the brain! However, our behaviour does not always follow a plan and not every action we take stems from our prefrontal cortex. Indeed, our behaviour can sometimes be perplexing, is often instinctive and even seemingly inexplicable. It is as much a consequence of our subconscious minds as it is of our logical thought processes. Given that our brains are regularly flushed with hormones, this could explain why people sometimes act seemingly irrationally, even though they should know better! It helps to think of the human brain not as a computer, but as a gland. Hugh Mackay Caterpillars Nevertheless, I believe that where focus goes, energy flows. We are more likely to bring about what we think about. And, the more we can clearly focus our conscious minds on something, the more our unconscious can create new characteristics, behaviour patterns and actions. This is the crucial first step to achieving our goals, knowing which direction to step! Otherwise, we tend to go around in pointless circles. Thereʼs a rather good story that illustrates this. Jean Henri Fabre was a French scientist and Entomologist (a bug collector). In one of his most famous experiments, he arranged some caterpillars to form a continuous loop around the edge of a pot. In nature, certain caterpillars instinctively follow the silken trail of the caterpillar in front. Itʼs how they find food. But because Fabre arranged them in a circle, these caterpillars followed each other around and around day after day, night after night. Fabre then put pine needles (the caterpillars' favourite food) within reach, assuming one of them would realise and change direction leading them all to the food source. But the caterpillars were so programmed to follow the one in front that they just kept crawling around and around 5
in a circle for seven days and seven nights. Until eventually, they basically dropped dead of exhaustion and starvation. They clearly didnʼt have any direction. They were acting without clear purpose. It would be foolish to confuse activity for accomplishment. It is definitely not the same thing. We must know where we are headed and why. Our values provide us with that direction. And yet, I reckon most of us spend more time thinking about the weekly shopping list than we do on our values. Why is that? I suppose, most people donʼt realise just how important values are in achieving our goals and shaping our lives. Also, many of us are in constant crisis mode. That is, weʼre too busy dealing with the day-to-day stuff to think about the bigger picture. In some ways, weʼre like those caterpillars. Weʼre driven by current events rather than what is really important to us. I donʼt have the time right now, Iʼm busy, Iʼm tired, Iʼll get to that later. Weʼve all been there. We know that feeling. But in order to move from crisis mode, which is reactive (constantly being driven by external forces) to being in a more proactive mode (where we decide our actions) we need to stop going around in circles. We need to think, what are my values? Where do I really want to be headed? What do I really want to be doing? Nothing is so exhausting as indecision, and nothing is so futile. Bertrand Russell The trouble with imperatives Values shape your goals, your decisions and, ultimately your success. But true success isnʼt measured by money, clothes, or how flash your car is, but rather by how you would rate your life if this was your last day on earth. Think about it. If you knew this was your last day, what would you say was your greatest success? I doubt you would find the answer in your bank account, your wardrobe or your driveway! When we know what we stand for and what is most important to us, then decisionmaking becomes easy, even effortless, and setting and achieving goals suddenly becomes clear and compelling because our goals are congruent with our values. If you were faced with a decision, and it wasnʼt aligned with your current values, what do you think youʼd do? When we know what we value most, we know what we want to do and how we want to live. There is no conflict. This is one of the keys to fulfilment. The only way to have sustainable feelings of happiness is to live by our values. Not knowing our values ultimately results in frustration, boredom, and despair as we go through our lives without knowing where weʼre headed and for what purpose. I gave up pursuing happiness it made me too sad! Unknown author 6
How much easier is it to get motivated when what weʼre doing is what we value the most? When we are doing what we love, we are inspired to do it. We donʼt need any external motivation. In fact, whenever we need external motivation to do something, itʼs not high on our current values. Itʼs probably not one of our values at all. Also, if we try to live according to someone elseʼs values, we are going to be in conflict and we will resort to avoidance behaviour like procrastination and disorganisation. We can easily recognise when this is happening. Itʼs when we use imperatives such as I should, I ought to, I need to or I must. I need to lose some weight, I must sort out my taxes, I should get back to the office. Itʼs clear that we donʼt really want to do these things! Whereas if we use indicative statements such as I want to, choose to or love to, they are true indicators of living according to our highest values. Iʼd love to spend more time with my family, I want to get back into exercising regularly or I choose to spend my free time punching my life-sized inflatable Darth-Vader punching bag! Nobody needs to motivate us to do these things. We do them gladly. But sometimes we need to re-prioritise and reorganise. Current values So, how do we determine our values? Sometimes our real values only become apparent in rare moments of clarity or crisis, when we have to choose a certain definitive course of action. Itʼs only then that we truly discover the core values that drive us, often surprising ourselves in the process. When you run back into that burning house after all the people and the carpet-peeing dog have been rescued? Do you first get the photo-album or do you grab the wallet instead? What do you truly value more - memories or money? Iʼm not passing any judgement here. Your choice would probably depend on many factors. But if you know what value more, you can prioritise your goals and organise your time to maximise your chance of fulfilment and success. It is also important to note that some of our values can change over time. Especially if we undergo some kind of life-changing event such as a traumatic experience, a grieving process or a relationship breakdown. All of these kinds of experiences are windows to greater understanding and to personal growth. Thatʼs the silver lining to these stormy clouds. There are no rainbows without the rain. Unknown author 7
So, letʼs make a start on your values list. It will take some effort on your part. But Iʼm not going to make you spend hours filling in questionnaires. Iʼve got a simple exercise to help you come up with a values list. Itʼs quick and easy and when finished youʼll have a handful of personal value statements that you can use to build on and develop over time to better reflect your growing self-awareness. Letʼs start by identifying your current values. There are 5 key questions to help you do that. List the top 3 responses to each of these questions: 1 How do you fill your personal space? i.e. What do you have around you at your desk, in your living room or in your bedroom. Is it photos of family, or pets? Is it pictures of nature? Is it art or music? Perhaps itʼs books of a certain kind? 2 How do you spend your time? i.e. Are you spending long hours at work? Do you spend your free time doing anything in particular? Do you always make time for your family or friends? Do you play a sport, belong to a club or have a regular activity? 1. 2. 3. 1. 2. 3. 3 How do you spend your discretionary money? i.e. What do you buy? Are you saving for something? Do you spend money on clothes? Do you spend it on good food or on entertainment? Where does your spare money go? 4 Where are you most organised and disciplined? i.e. What is something you do regularly and never need to be reminded to do? What do people comment on? Dude, you are so organised in this! 5 What do you like to think and talk about the most? i.e. When you get together with friends, what topics always seem to come up? What do you get interested and excited about when others talk about it? What do you daydream about? Based on the work of Dr. DeMartini, ʻThe Breakthrough Experienceʼ 1. 2. 3. 1. 2. 3. 1. 2. 3. Well done! Youʼve now got a list of things that you currently value. Woohoo! Youʼve probably noticed that some of them have popped up more than once. For instance, youʼll often think about the same things you spend your time and your money on. Thatʼs fine. These are the patterns we are looking for. Try to group any synonyms or similar items together. The ones that come up the most often will be your current core values. Mine are: 1. My kids 2. Lifestyle / Health 3. Knowledge / Intellectual Stimulation I currently value these things above everything else in my life. 8
Remember, the values we have identified in this process are not necessarily the things we aspire to value. They are simply what our current behaviour reflects we value the most right now. You may not be comfortable with everything you see on your list. But if it is there, you can be sure that it is there for a reason. So, if you are spending most of your time and money on something that you arenʼt very proud of, like gaming or gambling for instance, there is no denying that it is a clue to (or symptom of) your current values, and there is a reason youʼre doing it. There is always a reason! These are known as moving away values because although we value them right now, weʼd like to move away from them towards something else of greater value. Gaming itself is not a true value, but the emotional state you get from doing it can be. It may be a form of avoidance, connection, stimulation, comfort etc. An addiction to something is the result of an unresolved issue, a perceived unfulfilled need or unexpressed desire, often stemming from childhood. So, in overcoming addiction the first step is in understanding what is being repressed. We will look at addictive behaviour in more detail in what makes us tick? to help us understand these patterns and how we can change them, if we want to. Aspirational values Now letʼs have a crack at determining our aspirational values. These may not be an obvious or tangible part of our current lives, but will be impacting our behaviour on a subconscious level nevertheless and are definitely worthy of attention. Not to acknowledge them is not to acknowledge an important part of who we are. In the table below youʼll find a list of terms describing some aspirational values. Please circle ten that you feel somehow appeal or apply to you the most. Values Accomplishment Acknowledgement Adventure Artistry Authenticity Authority Beauty/Aesthetics Being admired Being alone Being different Being loved Being valued Being with others Belonging Change & variety Collaboration Communication Community Comradeship Connectedness Control Creativity Curiosity Dependability Discovery Energy Excellence Family Fair play Freedom Friendship Fun/Enjoyment Fulfilment Gratefulness Happiness Health Helpful Honesty Humour Knowledge Independence Interdependence Influencing Integrity Intellectual-stimulation Inspiration Interaction Intimacy Based on the work of Dr. Tomothy Sharp, Happiness strategies for a great life. Joy Love Making decisions Meeting challenges Money Order Passion Participation Peace Personal-develop. Physical fitness Playfulness Power Profit Protecting Recognition Respect Safety Significance Security Self- determination Self expression Service Solitude Spirituality Stability Status Success Support Time Tranquillity Variety Wisdom Zest 9
Have you circled your ten words from the list? Great stuff! Now, some of these words such as: family, friendship, money or profit are means rather than end values. They are only the means by which you want to experience the emotional state of your true values, which may actually be: love for family, belonging for friendship, freedom for money and recognition for profit. Can you see the difference? So, it is often worth asking, what is the real purpose of that? in order to get to the underlying core value. If you compare your top 10 words from this list with the current values you identified previously and again group any similar terms together, the ones that appear most frequently will be your core values. This is especially true if both exercises resulted in the same words. Mull them over. How do they feel? If you are not sure, just imagine doing the opposite. How does that make you feel? Ask yourself, what are the consequences of not living according to those values? The stronger your feelings, the stronger your values. Value statements In the final part of the process, for each of these values write a simple statement that encapsulates it, starting with the word 'to'. Here are my examples: Similar Value Words Kids/family, love, being loved Playfulness, fun, enjoyment, zest, lifestyle/health Curiosity, adventure, discovery, knowledge, intellectual stimulation Value Statement (mission or purpose) To be a loving and dedicated father to my incredible children. To enjoy an active and healthy lifestyle where fun and play are part of my daily routine. To maintain a spirit of intellectual curiosity, adventure and discovery in everything I do. Once you have written your core value statements, get familiar with them. Put them in several places that you will have cause to view on a daily basis. For instance, in your wallet, your diary, on your fridge, your bathroom mirror or by your bedside. Try to convert them to memory. Make them part of your daily life and imprint them in your conscious mind. For maximum benefit, you want to be able to recall them at will. Remember, what we think is what we get! If youʼve made the effort to do these simple exercises, you will have identified and articulated a handful of your core values. Whether you always knew them or you only just discovered them, it doesnʼt matter. Now that you know precisely what they are, and you can articulate them, you can begin to live your life accordingly. Living positively aligned and congruent with your goals, decisions and actions. Everything you do from this moment on can be referenced to your core values. 10
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence then, is not an act but a habit. Aristotle If you need to make a decision and one of the options is in line with your core values and the other is not, the decision suddenly becomes a no-brainer. Every time you are about to undertake a new activity or an action of any kind, ask yourself How does this action support my core values? If the answer is, it doesnʼt, then consider letting it go and focusing instead on something else, on something that does. Be true to yourself. Donʼt get swept along by circumstances or the perceived desires of others if it goes against your core values. Have absolute certainty and the confidence to say No! That doesnʼt align with my core values and be amazed at the results. Youʼll grow in self-confidence and self-esteem. The respect you receive from your colleagues, friends and family will also increase, and youʼll find making decisions quick, easy and guilt-free. Believe in yourself! Have faith in your abilities! Without a humble but reasonable confidence in your own powers you cannot be successful or happy. Norman Vincent Peale One caveat is, of course, never to deliberately hurt anyone else in pursuit of your own values, goals or actions. Having said that, if your values include: love, integrity and respect, you never will. You will always be true to yourself and to those around you. And when the time comes, as it will for all of us, and you finally do look back on your life, youʼll know that you truly lived a life of purpose. And you may even remember the day you took the first step of writing your values down. I truly hope you do because thatʼs one of my aspirational values, Bonitas. This is a Latin term, and to me it means: to be good and do good to myself and to others through personal growth, respect and love. David Young - Biography Former management consultant and investment banker, David Young stepped off the corporate ladder to pursue a less conventional life path. He focussed instead on the three things that were truly important to him: his family, his health and his happiness. That decision started him on a personal journey of love, self awareness and adventure that has spanned two decades, four countries and two wonderful children... so far. Now David is drawing on his experience and unique personal insight to help others through transformational Life-Coaching and Executive Mentoring on such matters as work-life balance, financial goal achievement, emotional intelligence, relationship resilience and how to live a more fulfilling, more enjoyable, value-driven life. For more information, visit YESlife.com.au or contact David at david.young@yeslife.com.au 11