Taming the Wolf Institute Becoming Home 2017 Conflict & Relationships PowerPoint Handout Greg Stone 2-21-2017
Slide 1 Becoming Home February 2016 Conflict Resolution tamingthewolf.com Peacemaking legacy of St. Francis. Resources at tamingthewolf.com include: Conflict resolution manual: Taming the Wolf: Peace through Faith Webinar Peace in the Parish. Forty videos for Lent. Slide 2 Mediation Art of Restoring Harmony by Seeking Unity in the Presence of the Holy Spirit. HOW matters. We must add PROCESS & STRUCTURE. We seek the presence of the Holy Spirit at the table. Slide 3 After the Fall Free will generates non-aligned intentions that collide, producing conflict. Conflict is not simply a problem. Intentional agents oppose one another. Opposing goals, intentions, views, desires, interests, clash. Peacemaking is possible because the exercise of free will can be transformed. 1
Satisfy Own Interests Satisfy Own Interests Slide 4 Align with the Will of God THE ultimate path to peace involves aligning random free will with the Will of God. Aligned intentions do not collide. Conflict resolution is Applied Pastoral Theology. Slide 5 Compete Collaborate Ideal = mutual benefit for self and other. Compromise What response is best in a particular instance? Avoid Accommodate Satisfy Other s Interests Chart inspired by Thomas & Killman. (See TKI inventory.) Slide 6 Divine Collaboration Party interests considered in relation to Will of God. Negotiation goes beyond mundane to spiritual interests. Satisfy Will of God Satisfy Other s Interests Priests help parties discern the Will of God. 2
Satisfy Own Interests Slide 7 Compete Divine Collaboration Revised grid seeks mutual satisfaction of interests aligning with the Will of God. Avoid Compromise Accommodate Satisfy Other s Interests Alignment with the Will of God satisfies our deepest interests. Thus, we move parties toward their most fundamental and important interests. Slide 8 Power Rights Interests Power: Authority enforces decision. Rights : Litigated claims adjudicated and enforced. Interests: Negotiate solution. Dispute resolution protocol: Matthew 18:15 Interests Matthew 18:16 Rights Matthew 18:17 Power Also see Luke 12:57 regarding settlement. Slide 9 Below the Line Positions Interests Key concept: Go Below the Line. Move from positions or stances to interests or motivations. Positions are rigid; interests flexible. Positions have one solution; interests have many solutions. Below the line enhances creativity. 3
Slide 10 God (Trinity) Work two axes simultaneously: 1) Reconcile brothers (neighbors). 2) Reconcile with God. Brother Brother Reflects the great commandment. Axes are linked. Change one, the other changes. If brothers hit impasse, work on vertical axis. Slide 11 If I have no contact whatsoever with God in my life, then I cannot see in the other anything more than the other, and I am incapable of seeing in him the image of God. Deus Caritas Est, Pope Benedict XVI Barriers on vertical axis manifest as impasse on horizontal. In the cultural desert of secularism, turmoil in the world is due to failure to see the image of God in the other. Slide 12 Christ the Mediator Priest as Mediator Prevents, manages, resolves conflict by choreographing divine collaboration. People consider priests as mediators though not always explicitly. When unstated expectation is disappointed, upset results. Clergy often must assess conflict and bring parties to the table. 4
Slide 13 Assess Intentions Be, Do, Have In conflict interests, needs, and desires opposed. We assess to bring about clarity. Be Do Have is a way of naming it. Identify opposing items. Assess entire story, then bring clarity. Slide 14 Barriers Disappointed Expectations Need to be Right Destructive Emotions that Distort Perception Faulty Perceptions Walls Desire for Revenge Narcissism False Attribution Error Slide 15 Facework The Face of a Franciscan Framing PROTECT, SAVE, RESTORE FACE Frame comments, requests, complaints. Express needs without triggering negative emotions. ATTACK ON FACE = Threat to selfimage, social image, identity we want others to accept. Meeting with other triggers fear of Face Loss. Mediator RESTORES FACE. St. Francis saw the Divine, the Image of God, in all creatures. This is primary FaceWork. 5
Slide 16 False Self vs. Divine Self False Self is driver of conflict. Need to defend False Self. I just wasn t myself. That was not really me. Who was I being? False Self unaligned with Will of God. Faith formation. Contemplation. Retreats and spiritual direction. Slide 17 Two False Selves Fight Essence of faith-based reconciliation: Moving past False Self to see the Divine in Other. Remove the dross, the false layers. Abandon all that is not the image of God. Seek unity in the image of God. Basic choreography of conflict resolution. Slide 18 Active Listening Mediator listens in I-Thou mode. Truly present for another. Party may recognize their own flaws. May turn to contemplative prayer and ask, What must I transform? Peacemakers make it easy to listen to self without becoming defensive or threatened. 6
Slide 19 Build a Bridge Negotiate Exchange of Value We build a bridge. Parties exchange value. Negotiation = exchange of value, tangible and intangible. Exchange of value shows respect. Duty of the Church facilitate a well-ordered love of neighbor. Slide 20 Apology Must Satisfy Needs Apology must satisfy needs of the harmed party. If harmed party is satisfied, apology will be accepted. If needs not satisfied, apology will be rejected. If an apology is rejected, assess What needs are not being met? Slide 21 Forgiveness To Forgive is an Act of Will Forgiveness is a transcendent gift from God. Not earned. Not about balancing the scales. May have to accept scales cannot be balanced. Forgiveness is not logical. Makes no sense. Does not arise from reason, but rather from God s grace. Forgiveness is a decision. We decide to forgive. We do not wait for a warm fuzzy feeling, we exercise free will. Secular world does not know Christ s forgiveness, mercy may be missing. 7
Slide 22 Faulty Decisions Overconfidence Flawed Baseline Faulty Data First Offer Seeking Solution to Fit All Criteria Recent Vivid Events Mental shortcuts save time but may cause faulty decision making and unsatisfactory outcomes. Assess: What weaknesses hamper decision making? What errors repeat? Slide 23 Facing Risk We hold on to certain gain - we do not risk losing gain we achieved. Risk Averse Loss Averse We fear risk, we abhor loss.! We abhor an existing loss and we will seek to remedy that loss. How we frame the situation - as a loss or gain - affects our negotiation decision. Slide 24 Satisfaction Substantive Work all legs of the triangle. Problems with any leg may create impasse. Procedural Psychological Satisfaction is measure of mediation success. We honor self-determinism of the party. 8
Slide 25 Impasse Opposition to Will of God Problem of Evil Impasse = intentions, acts, desires, and positions that oppose the Will of God. Discern actual evil intentions or attribution of evil where none exists? (False Attribution Error)? Slide 26 The Hidden Influence Destructive Third Party Missing, invisible, or hidden influences difficult to identify. If assessment makes no sense look for hidden influences. Destructive third party disparages Party I AND Party II, causes suspicion, distrust or fear. Gossip, character assassin, detractor. Serpent between Man and God. Satan as deceiver, accuser, betrayer, manipulator. Slide 27 Managing Deception Mediators identify and manage deception. Two categories: 1) benign, face-saving and, 2) evil intentions. With benign deception, we redraft the narrative toward greater truth. With intentional deception, we discern if harmful intentions are masked by deception. 9
Slide 28 Discernment Dilemma Discernment Dilemma: Fail to recognize evil intentions, we suffer harm. Attribute evil where none exists, we foreclose on loving relationships. Jonathan Kriz Perceptions are clouded if we face deception associated with evil intentions. Slide 29 The Constructive Third Party: Mediator Heals wounds caused by The Destructive Third Party: The Hidden Influence Mediator guides process, countering Destructive Third Party. Assess if actions are destructive or constructive. Does party work toward reconciliation or division? Slide 30 Situation-based Fear Unhealed Wounds Fear drives harmful actions. Intensity of fear determines difficulty. Lowest level is situational fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being fired, fear of being ridiculed, fear of failure. Assess: Do people feel secure? safe? loved? Unhealed wounds may be physical, emotional, or spiritual. May drive a proxy conflict. Party fights old, unresolved battles. 10
Slide 31 Deep-Seated Fear Evil = profound existential fear. Party believes everyone seeks to cause them harm. They must defend at all costs; covert attempts to undermine or destroy. Hellish state of mind. No hope of saving grace. Lack empathy; unable to love; psychopath. Love viewed as Trojan Horse intended to destroy from within. Love foreclosed as solution. Slide 32 Quicksand Spider s Web Flypaper Evil traps. When we fight, struggle, or use force, the trap tightens. There is no escape. Despair. We suffer from disordered wills out of alignment with the Will of God. Rest in the Lord and seek mystical union with Christ. 11
Slide 33 Recommended Resources Snakes in Suits Babiak & Hare The Devil You Don t Know Louis Cameli Narcissism / Dynamics of Evil Douglas McMannaman Recommended resources for studying how evil sets traps. Map landscape of traps to negotiate. Be aware evil is not simply a metaphor. Compare behavior of psychopath described in Snakes in Suits with concept of evil presented in The Devil You Don t Know. Slide 34 System Design Goals How does a dispute resolution system benefit the Church? What must be improved? How do we normalize conflict resolution, so people know, this is how we do it. When conflict resolution is normalized, the system provides safety and hope, and thus generates willingness to make peace. 12