Spa Day at the Riyadh Ritz-Carlton By Cash M. Toklas Cashtoklas@gmail.com
Cast of Characters Fatima: Abdul: Mahmoud: Suha: Young female Saudi intelligence officer. Midcareer Saudi prince and plutocrat. Bearded high-ranking young Saudi reformer and prince. Thirty-ish Saudi princess and Mahmoud s wife. Place Massage room, The Spa at the Ritz-Carlton Riyadh Time 2017 2
Setting: At Rise: Massage room. Torture device (box) lies behind massage bed. Lights off. lies on bed. stands over him, applying massage. (coquettishly) (Laughter.) (Moans.) (pleasurably) Ooh, Prince Abdul, you naughty boy. (moaning with delight) Yes, yes! Fatima, yes! Is this the way you like it? Love it! You know what I want? Yes, I do. You want money. (gasping for breath) No! Well, yes. But not just that. LIGHTS UP Probably you d like me to shower before my next massage. Well And maybe some Beano. 3
I wasn t going to say anything. (Farts.) Yes to the Beano. But you know what I m asking. You want me to confess to acts of corruption. You want me to sign my fortune over to the state. Which really means signing it over to Prince Mahmoud. No! Well, yes. That is why we ve detained you here in this gilded luxury dungeon. But that s not what I m asking either. What do you want? Well, let s see. You re a masseuse. Sorry, a certified massage therapist. (connecting torture device to ) No, masseuse is fine. No need to get prissy about it. But you double as a torturer. That s commissioned intelligence officer, thank you very much. You re a torturer and a masseuse. I assume you want to be a dental hygienist. Or a tax accountant. Or else a singer. Maybe you want to perform Wagner s Tristan and Isolde. A little pleasure followed by four hours of that thing you do... Torture? (wryly) Commissioned intelligence officer. (looking into S eyes while singing Isolde s Song ) I dream/dream of a distant shore/where we/we could be all alone/and no-one would know. (looking into S eyes while singing) But I/I am a captured bird/i cry/cry for the pain endured/for I'm in love with you. 4
Wow! You sure were right about that Beano. But I was wrong about your being a singer. ( activates torture device.) (Howls.) (in pain) (Enter left. straightens up. tries to stand, but he is still connected to the torture device. PRINCE MAHMOUD places his hand tenderly on s shoulder.) Prince Abdul, my dear friend, why are you making this so difficult? It is like paradise here, yet you refuse to cooperate. We enjoy 600-year-old olive trees, landscaped gardens, swaying palm trees, electric shock devices, and we are waiving both the 5% VAT and the 5% Municipality Fee for any prince who dies while imprisoned here. (Pause.) No, I am shitting you! (Pause.) We re keeping the VAT. ( chuckles. coughs. enters left, unseen by. She removes her coat, sets it down, and waits impatiently out of his line of sight.) (glancing at SUHA but speaking to MAHMOUD) Your Royal Highness No, no, no, it s no trouble at all. This is like practice for the shit I have to make up while talking to other world leaders. You know it started when Donald Trump met Justin Trudeau and made up that shit about the United States running a trade deficit with Canada. He pulled that right out of his ass, but it worked! Now we all have to make up stuff like that. ( chuckles.) Your Highness (nervously) (rubbing S shoulders) Like that time when China s President Xi Jinping and I were talking trash about minorities, and he said to me, I may not like the Falun Gong, but I have never forced them into re-education, arbitrary arrests, forced labor, and physical torture. Ha! Of course not, I said. That s just for relatives! 5
( laughs. coughs.) (glancing nervously at ) Prince Mahmoud And then there was that night when Turkey s President Recep Tayyip Erdoğan and I were dicking around at a bar, and he said, Believe me, I ve never disappeared hundreds of human rights activists, lawyers, or other undesirables in a secret military prison outside of judicial oversight. We both doubled over laughing. Judicial oversight! ( laughs. coughs.) Your Royal Highness (glancing at ) We have no need for judicial oversight. The Rihadh Ritz-Carlton is now the world s poshest place of incarceration. Even Melania doesn t live like this. And when we disappear people, we treat them just like family! Your Highness. (glancing nervously at ) (caressing ) The reverse is also true. ( laughs. coughs.) Prince Mahmoud (forcefully) (impatiently) Yes, yes Fatima You told me to let you know when your wife, Her Highness Princess Suha Huh? (turning, startled) So this is where you go when you say you are going to work, Mahmoud? 6
Well, yes (caught off-balance) To the spa at the Ritz-Carlton? Where you work hard with a masseuse? Certified massage therapist. Commissioned intelligence officer. ( activates torture device.) (Howls.) (in pain) My dear Suha, this intelligence work may seem like it is great fun. And it is. (Chuckles.) But it is also very difficult work. Is that right? (skeptically) You have no idea! I need to extract a great deal of private, highly-sensitive information from important people. Then I need to convince them to give me their money. I m like human Facebook and Amazon too! (Chuckles.) Not just anybody can do this kind of work. Are you saying that I couldn t do what you do? Well (angrily) That is what you are saying! I knew it. We ll see about that. No, no, no, no, no my princess Get on the bed! Say what now? (sternly) 7
(yelling) You heard me. On the bed! Switch places with Prince Abdul. (panicking) Well if it will make you happy, my Princess (ABDUL and MAHMOUD switch places. attaches torture device to.) Fatima, show me how it s done. Well.You start like this (nervously) ( massages.) (Moans.) Having a good time, are we? I guess so. (pleasurably) (nervously) (massaging ) And then you go like this Yes! Yes! (pleasurably) (massaging ) And for a special treat, maybe something like this (out-of-control) (Moans ecstatically, flailing.) Maybe Prince Mahmoud is having a little more fun than he should be having at the office. ( activates torture device.) (Howls.) (in pain) 8
But at least I see now how hard you have been working. This must be exhausting! And yet you would rather spend your days, late into the evenings, working in this Hell-hole than spend time with your family. Is that right? No, you don t understand (angrily) I don t understand? Is that the problem? (To and ) Get out of here. Both of you! (taking S hand and singing Isolde s Song as they walk left) I dream/dream of a distant shore/where we/we could be all alone/and no-one would know. ( and exit left.) (massaging ) Let us see what I don t understand. Here now. What do you think? Do you like it when I do this for you? ( moans.) Oo yes! And how about this? (pleasurably) (massaging) ( moans.) Yes, yes, yes! (pleasurably) Would you rather be home with me that here with the likes of Fatima? My darling Princess, you know I would rather be home with you and the children. ( activates torture device.) (Howls.) (in pain) 9
Liar! You know that I can tell when you are BS-ing me. I don t think you even care about your vaunted corruption initiative. It s just an excuse to get you out of the house. That s not why you re here with Fatima and Prince Abdul. Tell me the truth, or I ll zap you till your balls glow like Atlantic puffins! (painfully) The truth is the last thing you want to hear. You ve never been interested in the truth. (Pause.) But what s an Atlantic puffin? (softly) They re these adorable little seabirds with bright glowing beaks. (louder) Don t change the subject! ( tries to rise from the bed and remove torture device.) Mahmoud, you re not going anywhere. Prince Abdul and Fatima! Come back here. (Enter and left.) Hold him down! (cont.) ( and hold down.) I ll tell you the truth, but only if you promise not to zap me anymore. I don t want to be a puffin. You have my word. I am in love with Prince Abdul, and he is in love with me. What?! Wait, what? What s a puffin? (turning to ) 10
Is this true? (to ) (nodding) Everything but the puffin bit. I don t know what that s about. (to ) So you would rather be with him than me? (nodding, crying, and singing Isolde s Song to ABDUL) But I/I am a captured bird/i cry/cry for the pain endured/for I'm in love with you. Then go with him. Leave! (crying) ( takes s hand.) (to, while walking right with him.) Am I a puffin? ( and exit right, holding hands. ABDUL grabs and dons s coat on his way out.) Good god! (Sobs.) Your Royal Highness, I am so sorry. I am sorry too. (Pause.) That was my favorite coat. (Pause.) But I have to ask you. You never said what it is that you want. Isn t that the question that you had from the beginning? (shrugging) Oh, that? I don t know. I was asking because I don t know myself. I think you know. Remember: I have ways of getting the truth. Maybe you re right. (Pause.) Tell me something. Why is it that we are here in the lap of luxury and can do nothing but cause one another pain? Why can t we get beyond that? We act as if we were prisoners, when we really aren t. 11
( and enter right, still holding hands. ABDUL still has s coat) (panicky) They locked us in! We re trapped! Use that door. (pointing leftward) Ah, thanks. (sheepishly heads left with ) ( and exit left. hands her coat on his way out.) My point exactly. When will we learn to stop torturing one another? Can t we bring ourselves to make one another happy? (to ) How would you go about doing that? (glancing at the bed) Well, we do have a bed. We might as well not let it go to waste. No, we shouldn t! (flirtatiously) Are you thinking what I m thinking? I totally am Mani/pedi s and massages! (delighted) Yes!!! (Sulks.) CURTAINS FALL 12