Narcissistic Abuse: An Overview with Implications for Counseling Presenter: Richard Zabransky Texas Counseling Association Conference Room 304B 11:30AM 1:00PM February 12, 2019 Narcissistic Personality Disorder The root symptom of NPD is a lack of empathy. A person with NPD has no energy of their own, so they seek out energy from someone filled with positive energy and empathy known as an empath. The narcissist projects a false image of confidence, kindness, and charisma to hide their emptiness and lure a victim/ target for abuse. This is known as the mask or false self. A narcissist is a master of deception and usually appears charming, winning the admiration of everyone. Charm = C harm Three types of Narcissists: Overt (open/ easily recognized), covert (hidden/deceptive), and malignant (purposely destroys target). The covert/malignant narcissist is the most dangerous. NPD is usually undiagnosed and most experts agree that it is untreatable. Narcissistic abuse can happen within any type of relationship: Casual, business/work, family, or intimate The narcissist s greatest fears are exposure and abandonment, and ironically, the narcissist forces their own abandonment. Hope for recovery lies within the victim or target of abuse. Energy Vampire (Casual, business/work, family relationships) Because the narcissist is an empty shell, they try to take the energy from someone who is filled with light and energy. The narcissist uses subtle techniques to steal energy: devaluing, intimidation, projection, gas lighting, disrespect boundaries, silent treatment, push buttons, smear campaign, embarrass/humiliate, kind/mean cycle, withholding affirmation, and flying monkeys. The energy the narcissist takes is known as narcissistic supply. The target s confusion, anxiety, misery all serve as supply to the Narcissist. The narcissist can charm almost anyone. Consequently, the false mask works very well in an interview. They often rise to positions of power and authority on the corporate ladder. Very sadly, some people have been battling a narcissistic parent their entire life. Soul Vampire (Intimate Relationships) 1. Love Bombing Trap setting stage Creates a fake person specifically tailored to the target Uses techniques: mirroring, future faking, excessive attention No red flags, charming (c harm) 1
Builds trust by sharing a sad story of victimization that may or may not be true Uses flattery and puts the target on a pedestal Posts couple pictures together with the target on social media Creates an illusion of the perfect romance, a soul mate connection 2. Devalue Subtle shift in the relationship Gas lighting, projection, triangulation, flying monkeys, silent treatment, kind/mean cycle No longer the same perfect partner, will shift back and forth into love bombing The love bombing stage is so powerful, some targets get stuck in this devalue stage for years, waiting for the fake soul mate to return. During this phase, the narcissist is most likely love bombing a new target in preparation for the discard. 3. Discard The discard phase is not the same as a break up. Break up warning signs that it is coming Results from incompatibility, conflict, etc. Some discussion, mutual agreement, closure Disappointing and sad, but a realization that it is for the best Discard Sudden and without warning, explanation, or reason Pulls the rug out from under the target After creating the false illusion of a soul mate, the narcissist callously walks away, as if the relationship never existed. Leaves the victim completely confused/ devastated and creates an intense addiction, a trauma bond or Stockholm Syndrome Named after a bank robbery in Stockholm, Sweden in 1973, 1 st live crime that was covered on live television in Sweden where hostages actually fell in love with their abusers holding them hostage. This addiction is very hard to break. It causes actual brain damage. People who have been addicted to heroin report that a narc addiction is actually much stronger and harder to break. The reason for the addiction is that the same person who caused the trauma is the only person who can relieve the pain. The brain craves the narcissist to return so that the pain will go away; completely forgetting that it was the narcissist who caused it in the first place. The love bomb stage created a soul tie that is hard to break. The target has the abuser on their mind 24/7. The victim is overwhelmed with grief and is alone. Friends and even counselors do not understand the difference between a break up and discard. The trauma is worse than if the soulmate suddenly died. Feelings of utter worthlessness and 2
abandonment torture the target who keeps replaying every moment over and over, trying to understand what went wrong. The narcissist quickly moves on to a new target and flaunts pictures on face book causing even further devastation. The loving couple pictures are deleted. Most likely, they were posted as poison for the previous target. The narcissist is known as a soul vampire, leaving the victim in horrendous pain, empty and hollow inside. While in the state of utter despair/confusion, the victim may commit suicide. The narcissist sees this as the ultimate supply. 4. Hoover The Narcissist Returns Named after the Hoover vacuum cleaner The narcissist feels a life long ownership of all targets. The narcissist hits the reset button. The hoover has nothing to do with the target. It has everything to do with the narcissist needing supply. The narcissist did NOT have a sudden epiphany or come to their senses. A narcissist usually has a harem of targets and pulls them off the shelf as if to play with toys, hoovering each one as needed. A narcissist may return after weeks, months, years, or never. A narcissist may never return if they have been narcissistically injured or if they have lost their grip on the target. ` 5. Final Discard The target puts an end to the abuse. The target comes to realize and accept that they fell in love with someone who does not even exist. The target blocks all connections: social media, phone, text, e mail, etc. No contact for relationships with no other ties such as joint parenting Gray Rock for relationships with joint custody of children, work, or family ties Counseling Victims of Narcissistic Abuse Battling Narcissistic abuse goes against many counseling practices and also against many popular slogans/ teachings: There are 2 sides to every story. With a narcissist, yes, there are 2 sides: the false side, and the truth side. It takes 2 to tango. The narcissist must live in constant chaos in order to have supply. The narcissist will create an unstable environment with a saint. The root of every problem is a lack of communication. When dealing with a narcissist, if you let them know you are bothered they will use that information as a means to increase the frustration. People of good conscience would never intentionally cause harm to anyone. Consequently, they project their own good character onto others. It is very hard for an empath to believe that someone has been plotting their demise. 3
ANYONE can become a target of narcissistic abuse. Counselors may assume that someone who is a victim of abuse has a wounded inner child, they are codependent, or they have low self esteem. Although these factors may be present, many otherwise emotionally healthy, stable, successful, spiritual people have fallen victim to a narcissist. Marriage counseling may actually make matters much worse. The narcissist s false mask can confuse the counselor. As a result, counseling may lead to further frustration rather than resolution. How to Protect Yourself from Narcissistic Abuse The narcissist has been sucking energy and souls from targets for a lifetime and is an expert. Do not try to reason with them or beat them at their own game. Remember, a narcissist needs supply in order to survive. They do not care how much they hurt someone in their quest for supply. Educate yourself. There is a wealth of information available today. You tube is filled with survivors of Narcissistic Abuse offering their own experience and insight for healing. Trust your gut instinct. If it feels like someone is draining your energy, even just a little, it is not your imagination. Do not be afraid to gather support from friends or a professional; however, do not be discouraged if no one understands. Many professional therapists are not trained or even aware that this type of abuse exists. Respond, do not react Observe, do not absorb Use the Gray Rock method If possible, remove the narcissist from your life entirely and go no contact. Realize you have the power to withhold and cut off supply do not feed the narcs. Conclusion The narcissist follows patterns that are universal, and many people believe that it is part of a spiritual battle here on earth. The negative spirit of narcissism is often referred to as the Jezebel Spirit. The fact that narcissists follow the same strategies worldwide is a mystery. Narcissistic abuse does not discriminate. It can target anyone regardless of gender, education, religion, age, ethnic background, socio economic status, sexual orientation, political party, etc. The hope for recovery lies within the victim or target of abuse. Understanding narcissistic abuse is the first step to recovery. 4
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