Wholehearted Coaching: Week Three Self-Love & Worthiness You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire Universe, deserve your love and affection. -Buddha The journey to a life of abundance and gratitude starts with the love, affection, and attention we give ourselves. When we can truly love ourselves-right now, in this moment-we can give the best of ourselves to others. Through self-love and an understanding and acceptance of our inherent worthiness, we can move, eat, and live in a way that serves us and brings us meaning. Without self-love, we will beat ourselves up and often engage in destructive behaviors brought on by the demands of perfectionism. In fact, when I m asked about my best advice for cultivating a healthy lifestyle, how to lose body fat, gain strength, increase performance-essentially, how to be the highest expression of yourself-i always emphasize the importance of selflove.
The truth is that when we neglect to love ourselves, we can't fully show up for others. When we regularly practice self-loathing, we don't have the emotional bandwidth to direct our energy towards fitness or lifestyle endeavors. Instead, we exist as a victim in our own bodies. We practice self-directed blame and shame, and when that doesn t work, we direct our blame towards others. Our body is a beautiful and peaceful place to live but only once we stop fighting ourselves, and start loving ourselves. During this week we ll discuss how to embrace this love for ourselves and practice worthiness, so that we can live at peace in our bodies and be fully engaged in our lives. Is loving myself vain & conceited? The first thing to consider on this journey is that self-love is not the same thing as self-importance. Self-love is the belief that you are worthy of love, and the awareness that while you may want to be better, that does not, in any way, negate the fact that you are enough--right now. It consists of positive self-talk, and regular self-care (exercising, eating nutritiously, getting enough sleep, etc.). Self-love is the foundation of not only your love for others, but the love that you're able to authentically receive. Self-importance is thinking that you're more valuable than others, or that your worth outweighs that of everyone else. Self-love is tremendously advantageous when it comes to developing a success mindset. It allows us to fill our cup so that we can be effective and efficient in our intentions. It gives us the confidence we need to live in our integrity and show up authentically.
Self-importance is downright destructive. It inflates our sense of significance, which usually keeps us from adding value or deriving meaning. It poisons relationships and makes work places toxic. Loving yourself doesn't mean that you think you're better than others or more worthy of success it means that you believe that you're worthy of love (as is everyone else), and that you re able to truly accept it, from yourself first and foremost. Why is self-love so important? I ve seen Mumford & Sons in concert three times. Once in Jersey, Once in Brooklyn, and once in Los Angeles. I ve been a Mumford fan for years and I will never miss a tour. Their music penetrates my heart and soul, with beautiful lyrics that span across so many life experiences. One of my favorite lines is from a song called Awake My Soul: In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. And where you invest your love, you invest your life. Because hen it comes to wholehearted living, loving ourselves really is nonnegotiable. After all, when you consider the life you want to create, the experiences you want to have, and the intentions you ve set it all starts with you, doesn t it? Which means that you must invest your love in yourself, first and foremost. If we don t start with love within, we simply cannot spread love throughout. With love, we can use tools like compassion, empathy, and awareness. With love, we can truly hold space for ourselves and others, without judgment and fear.
If I don t love myself, how can I expect anyone else to love me? What I have found in my 16 years as a coach, is that those of us who struggle with self-love have a hard time receiving love from anyone. Because if we don t think we deserve our own love, how can we possibly believe we deserve that of anyone else? While we might think we are receiving love, we can take a closer look and realize that when we are deeply mired in self-loathing, we question whether or not the love others show for us is authentic, unconditional, and without ulterior motive. When we struggle to love ourselves, we find it difficult to accept compliments and acts of love from others. We find ourselves unworthy of our own praise and affection, which makes it nearly impossible for us to feel worthy of the affection of others. If I don t love myself, how can I authentically give love to others? Loving ourselves means being rooted in love. It means that our actions, expressions, and thoughts are all coming from a place of love. So, by that logic, if I am not rooted in love, how can I possibly give love to others? q When we lack self-love and worthiness, our love for others is incomplete, as it isn t rooted in a belief that we deserve their love in return. q When we lack self-love and worthiness, our love for others is often conditional on their behavior. q When we lack self-love and worthiness, our love for others is depleted by the fact that our own emotional bandwidth is running low. q When we lack self-love and worthiness, we use love for others as tactic to distract us from our own internal battle deeming it inauthentic. q When we lack self-love and worthiness, our love for others is nowhere near as pure and powerful as it has the potential to be.
Love comes from within, and we must first have it for ourselves before we can expect to authentically and unconditionally give it to others. Love is the root of sustainable change. Hating yourself into success never works. Trust me, I ve tried! I hated myself lean and strong and successful. I hustled HARD for my worthiness and berated myself into the woman I thought I was supposed to be and when I finally arrived, I felt just as lonely, small, and unworthy as I had before. Sure, it seems to work at first; through restriction and punishment we often appear to have reached our goals. But once we get there, we find that it isn t actually enough. We lose weight because we hate our bodies, but once we lose weight we realize we don t love ourselves anymore than we did before. The demons are still there, doing what they do best coming up with more reasons why we just aren t good enough. They only go away when we confront them. You can apply this scenario to any aspect of life, really. At the root of it, nothing we ever do will be enough if it isn t rooted in love and acceptance. Every time you reach a milestone, you ll be playing out the same scene in your head: not good enough, still not where I want to be, have to do better, I suck, I m a failure and so on and so forth. Without love as the root cause for change, there is no compassion. There is no fluidity. There is no way to give yourself grace. The only way to create sustainable, positive change is to do it with the belief that we are worthy of our own love, and that the outcome of our efforts in no way determines or undermines that worthiness. Love is the path to wholehearted living. Period. End of story. It starts with love, and it starts with YOU.
Worthiness Worthiness is the root of self-love; when you believe that you re worthy, you can, in turn, direct love towards yourself. Worthiness is the belief that you re doing your best, no matter what. Some days your best will be über productive, and other days your best will mean you simply do the bare minimum. These feelings of not good enough that we struggle with? That s the hustle for worthiness. The belief that if we just work harder, get skinnier, achieve more, make more money, look prettier then it will be enough. The truth is, right now is enough. Right now, in the abundance of your worth, you are enough. And it is from this place of abundance that you ll be able to continue to step into your power. How do I know I m worthy? Because you re a human on this planet! I mentioned this during week one, and I will continue to mention it throughout our time together your worthiness is not up for debate. You didn t have to earn it. You don t have to hustle for it. It s yours, simply because you are a human on this planet. Your worthiness is not dependent on your achievements, your physique, your job, or how much you accomplish in a day. Your worthiness is an inherent, unconditional aspect of your humanity. Of course, that doesn t mean that you ll wake up tomorrow and suddenly feel rooted in your worthiness. It s a daily practice a process that requires
intentional living. Some days you ll struggle with the hustle, and other days you won t even question your worthiness. What matters is that you commit to the process, and that you can imagine a reality in which you are, in fact, enough just as you are. What matters is that you open, with curiosity and playfulness, to the possibility that the belief that you aren t good enough isn t serving you. Throughout this program I am going to ask you to start letting go of thoughts and behaviors that aren t serving you. Because only once you believe this thought is destructive, that unworthiness isn t serving you, can you begin to change it. If my worthiness is inherent, why do I feel so unworthy? Unworthiness is the attachment to the belief that we are supposed to be. Worthiness is the belief that we can embrace who we are. Perfectionism, comparison, jealousy, fear, and the stories we ve attached to are all themes that contribute to an overarching sense of unworthiness. Unfortunately, the current social climate of our world doesn t support the belief that we are worthy of stepping into our light. Shame and the belief that we aren t good enough are more common social themes, and they keep us from embracing who we are; instead, we hustle to be who we think we re supposed to be, all the while neglecting our authentic selves. Our worthiness is indisputable, but our inner judge and inner victim take turns trying to convince us otherwise. They tell us we aren t smart enough or strong enough. They tell us we are small and insignificant, or they tell us we ve been wronged and hurt, and it s everyone else s fault that we feel this way. We have a choice whether or not to believe the victim and the judge. We have the choice to step into our worthiness and begin to operate from that space with love and authenticity.
Because the truth is, we are the only ones who have the power to change the way we view our world. We are the only ones who can choose whether or not to let the victim and the judge be in charge, or to embrace who we truly are. Why do we keep letting ourselves feel so small? Again, we can t begin to step into our worthiness until we believe, with all our heart, that the alternative isn t serving us. So what keeps us believing the destructive alternative? Because we re addicted to it. We are comforted by it. It s our shield. We know it very well and we are accustomed to it s look, it s feel, it s every aspect. Sure, unworthiness hurts and destroys, but it s familiar. This worthiness stuff? It s unknown. It s scary. It s new. The uncertainty of it alone is enough to keep us from exploring it. The fear of what will happen when we drop the shield we ve been carrying is enough to keep us suffering in unworthiness. Today I m going to ask you to drop the shield and trust that as your coach, I will help you wade through the uncertainty. I will help you claim your worthiness, and with it, your power.
A Week of Radical Self-love Are you ready for 7 days of radical self love? What exactly does this mean? It means that for the next seven days I am challenging you to: q Refrain from negative self-talk And instead, speak kindly about yourself, both to yourself and others. q Refrain from pointing out your flaws And instead point out the things you love about yourself. q Refrain from giving yourself a hard time And instead give yourself compassion and grace. q Refrain from pushing yourself to be perfect And instead, root yourself in the belief that you re doing your best. q Refrain from hustling to be who you re supposed to be And instead commit to the process of embracing who you are. I m going to ask you to commit to journaling topics and both interactive and introspective activities throughout the week that will challenge you to let go of the feelings of unworthiness, perfectionism, and scarcity that you may be living with, and instead step into a space of inherent worthiness and power. This might be scary as hell and that is totally okay.
If you feel uneasy, uncertain, and anxious you re exactly where you re supposed to be. If you feel excited, confident, and ready that s where you re supposed to be as well! Over the course of this week, as we delve into these incredibly sensitive and sticky topics, I encourage you to ask your inner judge and victim to take a back seat. Quiet the inner judgments. Quiet the inner fear. Open your heart to anything that arises and receive it with grace and intention. Continue to ask, as we step into this intense and introspective journey of selflove and worthiness am I aligned? In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die. And where you invest your love, you invest your life. -Mumford & Sons Xoxo, Neg