SPRINGFIELD WARD ROADSHOW 1989 "HAVE YOU HEARD... A MELODRAMA" As curtain opens, we see the stage decorated as a dilapidated mining town, "Somewhere South of Pittsburgh." The sets, scenery and costumes are all shades of black, white and gray. Townspeople are about, looking unhappy. They lip-sync and dance to the tune of "It Ain't Necessarily So": \ Come listen to our tale of woe We owe to the company store Z That Jake he's so evil, he's goin' to the devil Ana wants us along just for show.' We work all day long in his mines Just look at our bent-over spines! We spend all our pay in his store every With no extra penny to shine. day (Musical break with dancing) Life ain't no fun when you're not in the sun And you can't pay the copany store! (Heroine enters with a basket of flowers, the only color on the stage. She passes them out to the townspeople, trying to cheer them up, smiling and nodding, patting babies, etc. Two women at stage left gossip together:) it] Woman #1: There's sweet Petunia! She's the loveliest young thing in town. I. Woman #2: She tries so hard to make everyone happy. But she owes more to the company store than anyone else. rt Woman #1: And that mean, dastardly Jake will find a way to take advantage of that, certainly! Little Girl: (running up to Woman #2 and 1 pointing) Look mother! Here he comes! Evil Jake! (Signs saying "Boo" and "Hiss" are held up for audience participation as Jake enters.) /0 Woman #2: We'd better get out of the way! Jake: (accosting Petunia Your bill at the company store greatly exceeds your income and is six months past due! Il/ Petunia Oh please, Evil Jake, it's my poor sick mother. The medicine just cost so much! I've taken in washing to pay it \-3
back. I'll have it paid off soon, I promise! (Jake twists his mustache and looms over her) k Jake: Soon is not soon enough. That bill must be paid!. 17 Petun1a: But I can't give you the money now! 10 Jake: (getting closer) You must! l'i Petunia: (cowering in fear) I cannot! Ib. Jake: Well, there is one way you can eliminate that bill forever. (At this point, all townspeople are listening and whispering among themselves. They hate Jake.),01 Jake: If you consent to be my wife, I'll cancel the bill and your poor sick mother will never want for anything again--for I am the richest man in this town! Zo (Everyone looks horrified, especially Petunia.) \ Petunia: Y?U mean you QRfi this town! (Jake gives evil dastardly laugh).1/ Jake? Consider my offer, my dear! (He whirls away.) (Petunia looks glum. She sings and dances solo and with other women in chorus to tune of "I'm a Lonely Little Petunia in an Onion Patch.") m The I'm And a lonely little petunia in heck with it, it is a pit a lonely little petunia in Jake he wants to marry me. Just South of Pitt Just South of Pit 1_ My poor mother, she was sick and now I owe the store And no one here owes much more I/. SO now Jake wants to blackmail me to marry him "1.;1.f And all I do is cry all day 1/1 Where' s The end /r'b " 0h what v Dilemma -t'i my handsome Will who said he'd love me till of time, to be his wife on earth will Will say when I tell him this that is in my life? -:yj Petunia: Oh dear, oh dear! What am I Evil Jake is the richest man in town. to do? Qn the one hand, If I marry him, my
troubles will be over and my poor mother will never want for anything! On the other hand, what of the man I love, Wonderful Will! '\ (Cardholder now uses "Huzzah! Hooray!" cards. Wonderful Will enters scene, stops short, and the lovers run to each other.) ")...1/ Wilr: Retunia my dear! Another day of work over, another day closer to the one when you will be my wife! --J,. PetuniaOh, Will, how I wish fear. Evil Jake has proposed 30/ (Will is horror stricken) / that could be! marriage to me. Will:?? But you cannot love him, Petunia! "2,.\0 --1 Petunia: Wo, I love only yo! But he will cancel my debt at the company store and provide my poor sick mother with everything she needs--if ';l I consent to be his wife. (At this point, two missionaries, Elders Smith and Wesson, enter and happily survey the scene) Elder -;0 Smith: Ah, Elder Wesson! ' A wonderful town! This field is white and ready to harvest, I'm sure! up Elder Wesson: Oh yes, Elder Smith, these people are ready to hear the gospel!. But it never can, I \ (They break into song and dance to the tune of Get Me to the Church on Time:) We've come to tell you all a story 'Bout a young man named Joseph Smith He prayed for inspiration, got a visitation An angel came and told him what to do. IX Joseph still stuck beside his story / Tho' everyone said 'twasn't true Went to Cumorah, found golden plates there And translated them for me and you. We want to share with you the gospel Lbve all your friends and neighbors too Here's a Book of Mormon, pray about what's herein And know the gospel's true, we promise that it's true Just find out for yourself the gospel's true! THEN WE'LL BAPTIZE YOU. (Townspeople crowd around them, interested. Will and Petunia, continue their conversation.)
Petunia: Pid you hear that, Will? They spoke of a true church! Could it be possible? Will:ear Petunia, perhaps we should do as those missionaries said and pray for an answer! (JAKE whirls in to boos and hisses, and everyone scatters and cowers in fear, except the Elders) 0 i Jake: Who are you? And what are you doing in MY town? AJ - Smith: Have you not heard? We are Mormon missionaries, sir, and we have come to preach the true gospel to the good people of this town! Jake: Ha, ha, ha! Church, indeed! These people are my employees, and they live in homes I own!s They only shop in my company store! They have nothing, nothing! Smith: 4YOh, no sir, you are wrong. (Everyone gasps. Jake glowers angrily. No one ever tells him he is wrong.) 01 Wesson: We missionaries have nothing, at least in the temporal sense. We travel without purse or scrip, and rely on the Spirit to provide us with lodging and direction. Smith: But we do have one very important thing, and so do these people: We all have free agency. (This is a completely new concept to the citizens of Just South of Pittsburgh. They chatter and whisper among themselves, excitedly. Jake, however, is outraged.) O Jake: Get out! Get out of my town! of (Instead, everyone breaks into song, led by Elders, to tune Oklahoma!) I Free Agency! The greatest gift for me and you! We want you to know, we know this is so Cause the gospel's restored and it is true! Jake, you evil man! You can't control us any more Though we may work for you, don't tell us what to do When we enter through a church's door! f We know we are free agents now, ) Thank you, dear Elders, and how! Will: WAIT!
(Entire number stops, everyone freezes) '1 Will: Good townspeople, and sweet Petunia, I have not been honest with you wctually, I am the son of a very rich man, and I was sent here as a spy. (Everyone draws back.) Will:0This man (indicates Jake) was so greedy he put his company on the open stock market, trying to make more money!my father has just completed a hostile takeover of this company, and the first thing he did was invest your pension funds in a soft drink company t\;:/}'d the stocks went through the ceiling! (Townspeople 9-' are thrilled, slap each other on the back, etc.) Will:' So now you all are rich! In fact, you can buy the company store! (Everyone shouts hooray, and dastardly Jake angrily leaves, after saying:) Jake: -2 Curses! 1'J Foiled ag a i.nl (Everyone resumes song) So then we say @ood riddance, evil J! Free agents now, so we'll move to Salt Lake City And live on dividends the rest of our days! -7(' THE END Cast: Evil Jake, a villain Bill Eargle Wonderful Will, the hero Tom Brannelly Sweet Petunia, the heroine Julie Allred Elder Smith, a missionary Chris Baum Elder Wesson, a missionary John Anderson Woman #1 Paige Brashear Woman #2 Jenni Allred Little Girl Sarah Farmer