THE RELATIONSHIP COACH
First Key: Self-nurture. Making YOU the number one priority in your life! Start with your relationship with YOU. Really! You re together with you 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for all of your years. If you re a wreck, your relationships and your life will be a wreck. If your relationship with yourself is a wreck, or even if it s just Blah you re not living life to its fullest potential. So what does it take? The rest of the Keys! Most of us are familiar with the word depletion but not many of us know the word repletion. This is not your fault. Our culture promotes overwhelm and exhaustion. You re not the only one struggling with this! As Audre Lorde said, Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is selfpreservation, and that is an act of political warfare. So it may be tough, but I want you to take baby steps finding elation in your relationships and in your life is almost impossible when you re depleted. The greater your depletion, the more difficult it is to find the energy to add elation. So you may not be able to do it ALL, but begin taking baby steps: Get enough sleep Nourish your body with healthy food Exercise Connect with nature see the sky, smell the trees, plants, flowers, feel the earth, sit on a rock Dedicate time for yourself to do nothing Pick a song to awaken to or make time for music daily Create a daily mindfulness practice Keep a gratitude journal Candlelight dinner with no electronics Take a long, hot bath Go have some FUN and lighten up! When we take ourselves and our lives too seriously, we re draining our own energy and we remain depleted Find regular creative expression that fits YOU painting, singing, dancing, beading, stained glass, it doesn t matter! All, some, or any of these in combination will help, and feel free to add something here that I haven t thought of which you know is good for your soul, your body, YOU. You know YOU best. Come up with a plan that you ll actually DO, not the one you wish you would do.
Second Key: Quit shoulding on yourself. Many of us are surprised to discover that we have a lot of shoulds running our relationship with ourselves, and also getting projected onto our relationships with others. The shoulds we put on ourselves may sound like these: I should be able to get more done in a day I should ve known better than to stay in that relationship I should ve saved for my retirement I should keep my house clean. The shoulds you put on others may sound like these: She should ve called me back. He should ve remembered my birthday. She should ve washed the dishes before she went to bed. If we want something from someone else, it s more effective to eliminate the expectation that comes with a should and just ask for what we want and find out what that person wants, and then negotiate. If this is a new concept for you, and you re feeling some resistance, that s perfectly normal. Investigate on your own and determine for yourself how shoulding on yourself and/or others is affecting your relationships. In my work, I offer tools for discovering those shoulds that aren t serving you, and for unpacking them. Note: You may have encountered some of these shoulds just reading the First Key on self-nurturing! Sometimes, when you re depleted, ideas of self-nurturing get turned into more shoulds don t let them! Expecting too much of yourself is not selfnurture, it s self-torture. Please don t do it! If we pay attention, we notice that those shoulds come with shame and blame and guilt. Also, we have more energy if we convert the shoulds into wants. If you actually want to keep your house clean, you re more likely to find a way to do it, then if it s on your list because you think you should. This is because many of our shoulds aren t coming from our authentic voice, but are internalized mandates and values from others, and they don t actually serve us.
Third Key: It takes a village. Get support! The voices of others helped install the critical shoulds keeping you in shame, blame and guilt. It s amazing how surrounding yourself with people who support YOU being YOU, and who are also consciously fighting those critical voices, can help you change more quickly and more thoroughly. Likewise, it s a great idea to dump those people in your life who are just draining you. I know, it s challenging: you won t immediately find that village of support, and there are people you won t choose to discard. life that would begin to help add some cups to that pool of elation we re trying to fill. Are you up for it? Since 2010, I have been leading an ongoing Women s Group using the tools in Skills for Change. A good support group, for women or for men, can accelerate the degree to which you create vibrancy and elation in your life. You may have to roll up your sleeves and do some hard work but it s worth it! I m willing to bet, however, that if you did a relationship inventory right now, you could make a few changes to the list of people in your
Fourth Key: Understand the power dynamics operating in every relationship. Power is the invisible elephant in every room. Personal Power is our ability to take care of ourselves. Transactional Power is our ability to negotiate with others so that our needs and wants, and their needs and wants, intersect in a satisfying way. Structural Power is economic. Cultural power comes from having attributes that the culture values. Then there s Systemic Power the power that institutions have over us. Along with power comes privilege. Understanding how privilege (or lack thereof) operates in your relationships is enlightening and relieving. Every type of power and privilege factors into our personal lives and relationships every single day, though most of us are unaware of them! Understanding Power is one of the most difficult keys to master, and if you stay tuned in to my website and to my work, I ll come back to this topic over and over again. It s ripe and juicy.
Fifth Key: Understand where you do and do not have power. You may be familiar with the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Whether or not you re religious, there is powerful truth in these words, and they go counter to a lot of messages in our culture that tell us we control everything that happens to us. This is just not true, and causes unnecessary and debilitating selfblame when things do not go our way. The tools I teach empower you to change your life in all ways possible, and to see what other forces are operating outside of your control, so that you can stop trying to change that which is outside of your realm of power. This includes accepting that ideas of perfect do not serve us. We are perfectly imperfect. Every life has both joy and sorrow. There are no tools that can change this fact.
Sixth Key: Understanding the Rescue Triangle. Perhaps you ve heard of the Rescue Triangle, and perhaps you have not. In the tradition of coaching I come from, Skills for Change, we work with the Rescue Triangle as a way to empower ourselves and others to have more equality in our relationships. Equality in relationships helps us relax and find some elation! Other traditions employ the three Rescue Triangle roles of Rescuer, Victim, and Persecutor merely to highlight co-dependency. We add a new dimension to the tool: we look to understand the power dynamics involved in the Rescue Triangle, and also inject an awareness of cultural messages that compel us to play out the roles. There s an entire Chapter on Rescue Dynamics in the book I co-authored, called Access to Power A Radical Approach to Change Your Life which is available at www.juliacarol.com on the Tools page!
Seventh Key: Understand what your thoughts are, what your feelings are, how they re different, and how to handle them. Whew! That s a mouthful! Life is a series of moments, and we experience those moments through our thoughts, through the sensations in our body, and through our emotions. How does it all work? This is a very rich and delicious topic to explore, and I would love to explore it with you! The Seventh Key contains many, many, many concepts, and each one is powerful enough to ROCK your world! Here are just a few of them that have changed the lives of people I ve worked with for the better: You don t have to believe all of your thoughts. They re just thoughts. They re not all true. You don t have to pay attention to all of them. You are much more than your thoughts. Try this: set a timer for two minutes and pay attention to your thoughts. Let them flow as they normally do: just listen to them. The one listening? That s you. The thoughts? Some are worth believing, and some are not. Some of your thoughts are a story. A story is the meaning that you ve given to a series of observable facts. Learning to separate out the observable facts from your story is an incredibly valuable tool, leading to the end of much suffering Emotions are in the body. and pain. Learn to validate your story: you re not crazy, and there s usually some truth to your story. Also understand that your story is based on your experiences in life, and it may not be entirely true. All they want from you is to be felt. It may seem like stopping to feel them might unleash a river of emotion that will never stop, but that s not so. Recent research finds that when separated from thoughts, an emotion passes in less than two minutes. Make time to separate your story from your emotions and just feel the emotion. When you do, you will notice how the emotion moves through you and changes color, texture, intensity. You can identify where it is in your body, and you will notice it passes and is replaced by another one. Feeling your emotions does not mean letting them direct your actions. When you re able to feel the emotions you label as unpleasant, you ll be better able to feel the emotions you label as pleasant. They come as a package, like crayons. If the box is open, you can access any of them. If the box is closed, you ll have difficulty accessing any of them. It s your choice.
Eighth Key: Men and Women are the same. Men and Women are different. Both statements are true. We all have human needs. We all want love and connection. We all want to be seen, heard and appreciated. And yet, men and women process our thoughts and feelings very differently sometimes.* By putting all men in one category, and all women in another, I m creating a box, and boxes inherently have limitations. And yet it s true that whether they re caused by biology or by our upbringing, males and females tend to exhibit differences in terms of what motivates each gender, and how we communicate with one another as a woman and as a man. (I m in the school of thought that says both nature and nurture influence us.) Some of our differences are fun and some feel oppressive. By exploring our differences, with compassion and humor, I help women and men find a deeper understanding of their own gender and the other gender so they can communicate with one another more effectively. *As to those of you who are identifying as both genders, I love you dearly and I do not claim to be an expert on pangender identity I m open to learning!
Ninth Key: Non-duality. This one is difficult to understand, but when you finally get it, the liberation is enough to float you away to an island of Bliss! Non-duality means the end of either/or, black or white, right or wrong, good or bad, all or nothing type of thinking. It is often mistakenly construed as meaning no values, no morals, no boundaries. Nothing could be further from the truth. Non-duality adds the color and complexity that is truly present in every situation in life. When I label something as either good or bad, I am limiting my understanding. When I bring compassion and curiosity, and want to learn more about what s happening; I am in fact more in touch with reality. And, I m able to find more joy and more elation. and frankly, it s easier. It s simple. You only have two choices: good or bad, yes or no. However simple and easy it may be, duality isn t real and causes much more suffering. Non-duality is much more complex, requires a commitment to go against the grain, and also requires a decision to explore longer. Non-duality requires curiosity, and it takes time to add all the color and complexity. The benefit of this extra work? You re living a more authentic life, with a greater grounding in reality and there s much more space for compassion for yourself and for others, which feels infinitely better! It s natural to be drawn in to the world of duality, or black & white thinking, because our culture is immersed in it
Tenth Key: Equanimity. The more I understand equanimity and the more balance I achieve in my inner state of being, the more elation I feel about myself, my relationships, and my life. Equanimity takes non-duality a few steps further. I see all of the complexity and I take it one step away from making it all about ME. Equanimity is the ability to remove some of one s ego from the equation and accept, in this moment, that this is the way it is. Finding equanimity often requires working on forgiveness. Once we ve found equanimity, there s no longer anything to forgive. We can hold the whole picture with compassion and acceptance. This does not mean giving up desire or refraining from taking action on your own behalf to change things it s an in-themoment response. It s a pause, and a separating out the way things are right now, from the way we think they should be.
Eleventh Key: Learn how to handle conflict. In any relationship with two or more people, if those people are in touch with their own needs and wants, there will be conflict. Conflict is just a difference in opinion or desire between two or more people. If you re in a relationship where you never experience conflict, someone isn t being completely honest, and chances are high that resentment is building. Having a conflict is natural, however, the way that most of us have learned to handle conflict is unpleasant, at best. When there is conflict, it s normal for us to feel afraid or anxious; and then some of us also feel defensive. Here s the good news: once you embrace the fact that conflict is normal, and you don t decide there s something wrong with you or with your relationship because you re having a conflict, it gets easier. The next step is learning how to communicate using tools that put you back on one team as you try to resolve the conflict in a way that feels good to both people. Mastering the tools for handling conflict can even deepen your relationship! Stick with me, and I ll show you how.
Twelfth Key: In the garden of relationship, resentment is the poison and appreciation is the fertilizer. This key is easy to explain and not always easy to put into practice. Some of the above keys can help you unpack resentment. Resentment often happens if: We ve been doing too much of what we don t want to do, but think we should do We feel unappreciated There s an unresolved conflict We re sitting on hurt feelings We re holding onto a painful story about the other person s intentions, or Appreciation is lovely, when we are able to hear it and take it in. Often, it s more meaningful if it s specific: instead of telling you that you re a good friend, if I tell you that I love the way you listen to me, you have a better chance of understanding what I m appreciating about you. The practice of giving and receiving appreciation creates relationships! We don t have enough power in the relationship