BLUES FOR SANTA By Reid Conrad (Excerpts may be used royalty free for auditions.) AUDITION 1-- for 5 m, 8 w In this scene, police officer Julius attempts to write his police report. JULIUS: Ah, yes. The report. (Scans the document.) Name? Well, I have that information. Kris Kringle. Do you have any form of ID on you, Kris? KRIS: I m afraid I left that in my suit. JULIUS: That does present a problem, I m afraid. (Reading.) Well, I ll just type in Kris Kringle and then we can verify that information at a later time. (Reading.) Aliases. Well, I guess we can skip that, unless you do indeed KRIS: Oh, I have many aliases. Santa Claus, Sinter Klaus, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas, just to name a few. JULIUS: (Typing.) Santa Claus, Sinter Klaus, Saint Nicho (Pause.) Now, sir KRIS: Kris. JULIUS: Kris, I feel I have been most cordial to you and have given you the benefit of the doubt, but I sense you are attempting to make light of this very serious situation you and you friends are at present NULL: Present! VOID: Oh, boy! KRIS: Julius. JULIUS: Now, my chief is arriving momentarily, and seeing how you and your party appear to be KRIS: If you would allow me to explain JULIUS: a nice group of people, and seeing how I wish to maintain a true holiday spirit KRIS: and I commend you for that, Julius. That is why we are here. JULIUS: That is why who is here? KRIS: We are here. JULIUS: For what purpose?
KRIS: To spread Christmas cheer. JULIUS: In Bluewater. KRIS: Yes, kind of a working vacation. You see, each year we choose a place that has lost its holiday spirit, and we do our best to rejuvenate its people. It s what I do. JULIUS: Sir. KRIS: Kris. JULIUS: Mr. Kringle, sir. I am a most humble servant of this community, sworn to serve and protect, and while I know of few others in this town who are as filled with the holiday spirit as myself, I must warn you: if you intend to play upon my good nature and natural tendency toward seeing the good in a man s character, I will not allow you to take advantage of myself with this spectacular and transparent ruse. (Pauses and looks at ALL in jail. THEY smile warmly at him.) KRIS: What? JULIUS: What, what? KRIS: You want to say something. JULIUS: Do I? KRIS: You do. JULIUS: (Pause. Then.) I see what you are doing. KRIS: What are we doing? JULIUS: You are trying to plant a seed here, in my head, that you might actually be KRIS: Yes? JULIUS: (Pause.) I don t believe it. You are the Big Al Gang! KRIS: You don t believe that for a second, Julius. You know who we are. JULIUS: (Leans back in chair.) I don t. I don t. KRIS: I am Santa Claus. (Beat.) These are my two traveling elves, Null and Void. NULL and VOID: Hello, Julius. KRIS: And my lovely reindeer. Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen. (The REINDEER have come out of the cell.)
REINDEER: Hello, Julius. JULIUS: Hello, ladies. (To KRIS.) They re girls! KRIS: Oh, yes. All of my reindeer are girls. It s just one of the misconceptions about Christmas that has arisen over the years. JULIUS: But they re girls! KRIS: It wouldn t be very proper to have a bunch of reindeer running around the streets of Bluewater, now would it, Julius? It would cause a bit of a commotion. JULIUS: Are you implying, sir, that you are indeed the one and only Santa Claus, a character born of pagan mythology KRIS: Yes. JULIUS: and that these two young men are helper elves KRIS: That is correct. JULIUS: and that these lovely ladies are in fact, through some magical transformation heretofore unknown by modern scientific means, reindeer? KRIS: You got it. JULIUS: I don t feel well. KRIS: I can understand that, son. But we re not here to dash any of your preconceived notions about us. We re here to spread the Christmas cheer! (Beat.) Perhaps this will put you in the holiday spirit. Ladies? COMET: With pleasure, Santa. Hit it, Vixen! (The REINDEER sing a jazzy, burlesque rendition of Jingle Bells. At the end of the song NULL and VOID exit left.) JULIUS: (Clapping.) That was simply beautiful. Very charming. (Beat.) I wasn t aware that reindeer could sing so beautifully. VIXEN: What? You thought all we did was fly? JULIUS: Well, um, yes actually. Do you indeed fly? DASHER: Boy, do we! (Crouches as if to spring into the air. DONNER kicks HER and she falls over.) KRIS: Save your energies, ladies, you ll be needing all of your stamina for our flight tonight. (To JULIUS.) It is Christmas Eve, you know.
JULIUS: Yes. (NULL and VOID return with two full sacks.) KRIS: Ah, there s my boys! Ho, ho, ho. Bring them over here. (As NULL and VOID cross down next to KRIS.) Now, Julius, come and sit on Santa s lap and tell me what you want for Christmas. JULIUS: I beg your pardon? KRIS: Come along. Surely you haven t forgotten how to sit on Santa s lap? (CUPID and PRANCER take either of JULIUS S arms and escort him around the desk and seat him on KRIS S lap.) JULIUS: My goodness! KRIS: Ho, ho, ho. That wasn t so terrible now, was it? You just tell old Santa Claus what you want for Christmas. Were you a good boy this year? JULIUS: Well, yes, Santa, I did try to maintain an even keel, as it were. I attempted to accommodate the requests of those around me, in particular those here at the station and of course my beloved Emily. KRIS: Good, good. Admirable that you should try to please others. What about yourself? JULIUS: Myself? KRIS: Yes. What did you do for yourself? JULIUS: Well, let s see. I took care of myself. I don t smoke or drink, you know. And I take daily walks KRIS: You do? JULIUS: Yes, I walk with Tinkles. KRIS: Tinkles? JULIUS: Yes. Emily s toy poodle. NULL: Toy! VOID: Yum! KRIS: You take Emily s dog for a walk? JULIUS: Every day. KRIS: And Emily walks with you?
JULIUS: Oh no, she s far too busy. She s a very busy girl, you know. KRIS: Yes, I know. Tell me, Julius, is there anything you want? JULIUS: Want? KRIS: For Christmas? JULIUS: Well, I don t know. (Thinking.) I believe I have everything a person could ask for NULL: I made you a present! KRIS: How very thoughtful, Null. NULL: (Handing JULIUS a paper clip necklace.) I made it myself. JULIUS: Oh, that s very kind of you. NULL: Put it on. JULIUS: (Doing so.) Oh, yes, of course. I will. VOID: I made you a present! KRIS: Void. That was very nice of you. What did you make Julius? VOID: (Holding out a big shiny gun.) I made it myself! (At this moment CHIEF FRANK RHULE enters. He immediately assesses the situation and draws his gun, pointing it at VOID.) RHULE: Hold it right there, Big Al! (VOID is shocked and quickly throws the gun to JULIUS.) RHULE: (Cont d.) Buttrum! What in blue blazes is going on in here? JULIUS: Well, Chief, Santa and I were RHULE: Officer! Cover me! (JULIUS, reacting to the command, jumps to his feet and backs right with gun pointed shakily as RHULE crosses downstage with his gun aimed at the group. KRIS stands slowly, facing Rhule. NULL and VOID cower behind Kris.) RHULE: (Cont d. Slowly.) Big Al Spagnoli.
KRIS: (With a gangster voice.) That s right, copper. What re ya gonna do about it? (Crossing slowly to RHULE until they are face-to-face.) RHULE: You don t scare me, Big Al! I ve met your kind before. I ve dealt with cold-blooded, murdering, hoodlum scum like you. KRIS: Who ya callin a hoodlum, copper? I m Big Al! Big Al Spagnoli! You re just a second-rate flatfoot stuck in a twobit town with a dime-a-dozen job and a miserable life. (RHULE grabs KRIS S shoulders with both hands and then punches him in the stomach. Kris doubles over and the entire GROUP reacts. Rhule raises his gun at NULL and VOID.) RHULE: Buttrum! Get these crooks into the cells! Now! JULIUS: Yes, Chief. Excuse me, ladies, would you mind terribly returning to RHULE: Buttrum! JULIUS: Yes, Chief. (Waving gun uncertainly.) Um, ladies, move it. (JULIUS trails the REINDEER up to the stage right cell, while RHULE keeps his gun trained on NULL and VOID.) RHULE: All right, you two. If you don t want the same treatment I gave your boss here, you be good little boys and march straight to the cell. NULL: (Using an elf-gangster voice.) You don t scare us, copper. Grrr! VOID: (Using elf-gangster voice.) We eat gumshoes like you for breakfast! Rowr! RHULE: (Roars.) Move it! From: Blues for Santa- By Reid Conrad Published by: Eldridge Publishing Co. http://www.histage.com/playdetails.asp?pid=2613