THAT IS THAT. Essays About True Nature BY NIRMALA. Endless Satsang Press.

THAT IS THAT Essays About True Nature BY NIRMALA Endless Satsang Press Nirmalanow@aol.com www.endless-satsang.com

THIS BOOK IS A COLLECTION OF THE FREE ESSAYS AND ARTICLES FOUND ON NIRMALA S WEBSITE AND BLOG AT WWW.ENDLESS-SATSANG.COM. IT IS INTENDED TO BE AN EASY WAY TO SAMPLE ALL OF HIS TEACHINGS. THERE IS NO PARTICULAR ORDER AND YOU ARE INVITED TO WANDER THROUGH THE ESSAYS AS YOU PLEASE. COPYRIGHT 2009 BY DANIEL ERWAY (NIRMALA) Poonjaji, Master of Love - painting by Giri Maruta http://www.artoflight.info/gallery.htm

CONTENTS You Cannot Be Harmed... 5 What Do I Do When There is No Doer?... 7 A Love Poem... 11 Two Possibilities... 12 Exploring Emptiness... 14 Desiring What Is... 18 Every Moment is Self-Realization... 20 Love Is for Giving, Not for Getting... 23 The Ghosts Within... 29 What Is a Spritual Teacher... 31 Two Simple Instructions... 34 The Practice... 34 Noticing... 35 Allowing... 39 What is Advaita or Nonduality?... 44 Living Life as a Question... 46 The Endless To-Do List in the Mind... 48 God Is in the Details... 50 Filling the Emptiness... 52 Gratitude... 53 Knowing Who You Really Are... 55 Self Inquiry... 57 The Gap in Awareness... 59 What About the Awakeness that is Here Now?... 61 There is Only One Source for Everything... 62 Sensing Inside... 64 Staying Focused on the Self... 65 The Heart s Wisdom in Relationships... 66 Make Believe... 68 Beyond No Self... 70 Am I?... 73 Seeking, Giving and Being... 75 There is Only Love... 77

Sea of Sensation... 79 Not Knowing... 80 The True Nature of Pain and Suffering... 82 What is This Moment s Treasure... 83 Interview with Nirmala... 85 Nirmala s Story... 93 The Flower of Awakening... 98 That Is That... 101 CONTACT INFORMATION... 102 About Nirmala... 103 About Nondual Spiritual Mentoring... 103 Free E-books by Nirmala... 104 Endless Satsang Foundation Order Form... 107

YOU CANNOT BE HARMED Consciousness is affected but not harmed. It is the nature of aware consciousness to be affected by everything it experiences. Every color and sound, every event and experience, and every passing thought or feeling affects your consciousness. That is why we call it consciousness. A rock is not as affected by these things, and so we consider a rock less conscious than a person. And yet consciousness is not harmed by anything. That is its nature, that it cannot be harmed. The form of anything can be permanently changed or harmed. Your body can be harmed, but the consciousness that inhabits your body cannot be harmed. This is good news. It is like a get out of jail free card in Monopoly. No matter what happens, you as consciousness are completely unharmed. What a relief! There is nothing that can harm you. No one and nothing has ever harmed you. This is not to say that consciousness is not affected deeply by both the good and bad things that happen to us. Every hurtful and unkind act leaves an impression in the consciousness of those involved. It is just that the impression does not permanently limit or damage the awareness of those involved. If something has an effect on us that is permanent, then it could be said that it has harmed us. But if the effect is temporary, then what is the ultimate harm? Everything that profoundly affects our awareness, from the painful to the tragic, eventually passes. It is the miracle of our consciousness that it can heal from any wound, even if our body cannot. What you are is eternal aware space or consciousness. You have a body, but you are not that body. So, while your body can be permanently harmed just like your car or your camera can be harmed, you as consciousness eventually heal or recover from all of the experiences that affect you. Even if the affect lasts for lifetimes, eventually the karma or debt is released. From the perspective of something eternal, even many lifetimes is not that long. When you realize that your true nature as consciousness cannot be harmed, that puts all of life s difficulties in perspective. Similarly, when someone s car is totaled in an accident but they are not hurt, we consider them lucky. This is because we have a perspective on the relative importance of damage to their car. It s not such a big deal really, especially relative 5

to a serious physical injury or death. If you realize that you are aware space, then everything else is like the totaled car: no big deal. Some things are still more important than others. Physical harm is still a bigger difficulty than harm to a car or other physical object. But by knowing the truth of your nature as unharmable space, then the bigger difficulties and even tragedies in life can be seen in perspective. A simple question to ask is, What effect does this experience have on my eternal soul? And while everything leaves an impression on your awareness and ultimately your soul, nothing can ever permanently harm your soul, your true nature as empty awareness. In fact, every experience enriches your soul. Every moment adds to the depth and richness of your deepest knowing. We sense this in people who have faced a lot of difficulty in life and who are willing to accept their fate. There is a depth and wisdom that only comes from a wide range of experience, including painful and unwanted experiences. This willingness to meet and have any experience can come from the simple recognition that what you are is open spacious awareness. Your body, mind, personality, emotions and desires all appear within that awareness, but they are not you, and the real you cannot be harmed. 6

WHAT DO I DO WHEN THERE IS NO DOER? Spiritual teachings suggest that there is no doer, that there is no separate self that is the source of our actions. This teaching is the source of much confusion, as it is contrary to our experience. It seems that there is a doer and that I am the doer: I get up in the morning, I walk the dog, and I drive to work. How do these things happen if there is no doer? And if there is no doer, then what do I do? How do I live my life if there is no one here to live it? What do I do if there is no doer? This confusion exists because spiritual teachings point to something that doesn t exist in the usual way. The nature of reality can t be described or explained with words, and it can t be experienced through the ordinary senses. In speaking about something that can t be spoken about, the easiest approach is often to use negation. If you can t speak directly about something, then you are left with saying what it is not. So spiritual teachings contain a lot of negation: There is no self. There is no doer. The world is an illusion. Not this. Not that. Negation can be effective in pointing us away from false ideas about the ultimate truth of things, and it can encourage us to look within to see the falseness of the idea of a me. If you take a moment to look for yourself, you will see that there is nothing you can identify as a separate self. So, in this sense, it is accurate to say that there is no self and no doer. However, the mind can t conceive of or even really experience nothing. If you are experiencing something, then that is by definition not nothing. So when the mind is pointed to nothing or to the absence of a self or a doer, it makes a picture or concept of nothing and thinks about that. If we are told there is no doer, the mind makes a picture of the absence of somebody, something like an empty chair or a broom sweeping by itself. Again, this contradicts our actual experience. There is something in the chair when I sit down in it. The broom only sweeps when somebody picks it up and starts sweeping. So there is obviously a distortion or inaccuracy in the approach of negation. While it does evoke a certain experience of emptiness that can be spacious and restful, it doesn t capture the totality of reality. It leaves out our real world experience. 7

Another approach is the opposite: Instead of saying there is no self and there is no world and there is no doer, we can say there is only Self, the world is all one thing, and it is this totality of existence that does everything. In other words, everything sweeps the floor and sits in the chair. If we look deeply into our experience, there is some truth to this perspective. If we trace back all of the causes of any action, we see that there are an infinite number of influences or causes for the simplest action. For example, you may sweep the floor because your mother taught you to keep a spotless house and your dad taught you to be responsible, not to mention all of the other messages you received from the culture and society about cleanliness and responsibility. Add to that all of the people that influenced your mom and dad and everyone else who ever had an impact on you. And what about all the factors that led to the particular path of evolution that gave you those opposable thumbs that allow you to use a broom? If you really trace it back to all of the factors at play when you pick up a broom and start sweeping, you can see how it might make more sense to say that everyone and everything is sweeping the floor. There is a doer, but it is not you. It is everything. And by the way, all of these factors are at work if you don t sweep the floor. Not doing something is just another thing we do. This approach of including more and more instead of negating everything is also a useful teaching tool. It evokes a sense of the oneness and richness of life. But again, it doesn t really capture the direct experience of an action like sweeping. If only everything would sweep my floor, then I could go take a nap. Speaking about everything doesn t really capture the sense of no self that is experienced when we look within using spiritual practices such as self inquiry. So if it is not a complete description to say there is no doer, and it is also not a complete description to say that everything is the doer, what is wrong with just saying that I sweep the floor and be done with it? For purely practical purposes this is enough of a description, but is it really a complete description? As we have already seen, it leaves out all of the rich and complex causes of our actions, and it leaves out the absence of a separate self that we discover when we look within. It also doesn t suggest that there is more to this reality than meets the eye. Even if deeper spiritual realities can t be described with words, does this mean they don t exist? So we are left with quite a dilemma. It is incomplete to say there is no doer, it is incomplete to say that everything is the doer, and it is incomplete to say that I am the doer. It is like a multiple choice test where all of the answers are wrong! Yet what is it like to not have an answer? What is it like to hold the question even when we have exhausted all of the possible answers? 8

The question of what is going on here, what is this experience of doing, can be a rich experience in and of itself. The question can put us more in touch with our experience than any answer can. The question invites a direct sensing of all of these various levels of our experience. As the broom moves across the floor, is it possible to simultaneously experience the emptiness within, the richness and oneness of all things and the personal actions of our particular body? Why do we have to choose one? And what about the original question, What do I do? Could this also be a rich opportunity to explore all of the dimensions of existence? Why does there have to be a right answer? Can the question itself evoke a deeper sensing of life and an endless willingness to question again and again? What do I do now? And what about now? The gift may be in the question itself, not in some final answer. Life is unfolding in ever new and different ways, so maybe we can only discover in each new moment what the everything and nothing is going to do next. There is an assumption that spiritual teachings are supposed to bring us to spiritual answers, that we are supposed to get somewhere finally. But what if the point of this spiritual journey is the journey itself? What if all of the answers are true and relevant when they arise, and yet they become irrelevant in the next breath? The question of what is doing is never done, never fully answered. And so perhaps the question of what to do is not meant to ever be done or fully answered. Letting go of the idea of a right or final answer can make the question come alive in this very moment. What are you doing right now? What is most true to do now? And then what about now? It is always time to ask again because it is always a new now. Just for this moment, find out what happens if you just allow yourself to not know what is the right thing to do, who would do it, and even if there is anything to do, or if doing even really happens. When you question that deeply, is there more or less of a compulsion to act in unhealthy or ignorant ways? Or is there a natural curiosity and sense of wonder that arises and puts you very much in touch with all of the mysterious elements that make up this particular moment? Does this curiosity lead you to rash and silly decisions, or does it allow impulses and intuitions to arise from deeper places within your being? If you know less and less about doing, what happens next? The gift of the deepest spiritual questions arises in the day-to-day living of life. Asking What do I do? can lead you on an exploration that has no boundaries, and the journey can only start here and now. What most often limits us is our conclusions, and the simple antidote is to ask another question. 9

What do I do when there is no doer, when everything is the doer, and when it is also up to me to do something or not? 10

A LOVE POEM Your hands have a cool dry touch And yet they warm my heart Your eyes are emptier than the night sky And yet they pierce my defenses Your body does not even exist And yet you dance so beautifully That I am lost in tears How can silence say so much? How can empty space feel so full? Chasing after more and more is so futile When only less will satisfy 11

TWO POSSIBILITIES In every moment, there are two possibilities. One possibility is to have all of our curiosity, attention, and passion focused on what is happening. The other, is to have that same curiosity, attention, and passion focused on what is not happening, what is not present, or what we think should or shouldn t be happening. In every moment, the question is: What are you giving your attention to? Are you allowing what is, or going to battle with it trying to change it in some way? When our focus is on what is, our experience of what is opens up and becomes bigger, richer, and more complete. But when it is on what is not (the past, the future, or any thought about what is), our experience of the moment contracts and becomes narrower and full of suffering and struggle, because inherent in a focus on what is not is a struggle with what is. When we look, we discover that most of the time we are in opposition to what is and oriented toward what is not. Life is mostly about how to make things better and get more pleasure, or how to get rid of the things that are painful. We are constantly evaluating our experience, looking to see what s wrong with what we are experiencing and how it could be improved. We tend to be focused on what s wrong with the moment or on what could be added to it to make it better. As a result, our attention becomes very narrow and our awareness very limited. Once we see how much time we spend struggling with what is, the tendency is to go to battle with that to try to fix that. We think the solution is to fix this tendency to try to change everything. But that only changes the content of our struggle: Now we are struggling with our tendency to try to change things. We suffer over the fact that we are suffering. The other possibility is to just notice how much you suffer, without trying to do anything about it. Just allow the fact that you don t allow much. Just recognize that that is the way it is. This struggling with what is, is just what we were conditioned to do; and this conditioning is also a part of what is. 12

Once we stop being in opposition to what is, it is possible to see how all of our struggling comes from the idea of a me. Without the assumption that something is my experience, there wouldn t be much point in trying to change anything about the moment. Our effort and struggle to change what is only makes sense if there is a me. It is all in service to maintaining the idea of a me. In fact, the struggle is the me. When there is no struggle, there is no me. All of our suffering is the result of how we have and maintain an identity. Once we realize this, the tendency is to try to fix this to try to change our belief about who we are. We focus on getting rid of identification, which is again, focusing on what is not. We are still suffering because now we are at war with our tendency to identify. Instead of being oriented toward and accepting of what is (our tendency to identify), we are oriented toward how we think it should be: I should know better than to be caught in identification; I should know who I really am. Another possibility is to be really present to this tendency to identify, without making any effort to change it. If that s what is happening, then that s what is happening. You just let it be that way. You can even be amazed by it all, including the fact that there is a sense of a me. You see how unreal this me is, but you don t struggle to be rid of it. There s no longer an assumption that something is wrong that needs to be fixed. When it is finally okay for the moment to be just the way it is including the fact that we identify as me and therefore battle with the moment then more of our experience can be recognized and included in our awareness. If we are willing to be present to and allow our identification, then it is also possible to notice something beyond identification, something beyond our struggle and effort to maintain a me. What that something is, for lack of a better word, is Being. Along with awareness of identification and the struggle and suffering inherent in that, is an awareness of this larger ground of Being in which everything is happening. When we see that all the me is and ever has been is a lie, but we don t turn away from that awareness or judge ourselves for it or try to get rid of the me; then we start to notice that, along with the struggling inherent in the me, is a beautiful, rich presence of Being, which is allowing everything, including the experience of me. We come to see that the me s struggle is only a tiny percentage of our entire experience and that this struggle is happening in an ocean of allowing. This allowing is Being. When we are allowing, we include in our awareness what it is that is allowing, and that is Being which is who we really are. This realization can be a very jolting experience or a very quiet one because Being is actually very familiar. Every moment of allowing has actually been a moment of experiencing Being. 13

EXPLORING EMPTINESS Sometimes we feel an inner sense of emptiness. When we look within, it seems like nothing is there, so we distract ourselves with something on the outside, like food or television; and yet, these outer distractions only temporarily take care of the emptiness, or more accurately, they only temporarily keep our attention. When the distraction is over, the emptiness returns. What is it about emptiness that makes us want to move away from it? Is emptiness really a bad sensation? When you consider the literal meaning of emptiness, how can it be a problem? Is it possible for nothing to hurt you? And with the inner sense of emptiness, is that empty feeling actually uncomfortable, or is the restlessness and activity of trying to avoid it or distract ourselves that which is uncomfortable? This is an important distinction. We are so used to assuming that lack or emptiness or something missing is a problem that we are uncomfortable when that is our experience. But is the emptiness itself the source of our discomfort? Or is the action we take in response to emptiness the source of our discomfort, including the inner activity of distracting ourselves with ideas and judgments about the fact that we feel empty? It s not our fault that we tend to avoid feelings of emptiness. We were taught to do it by everyone around us who was doing it. In fact, there is a good reason to avoid one feeling of emptiness the feeling of hunger as it is important to eat when you are hungry. However, we are so unfamiliar with the sensations of emptiness that we often interpret a lack of something else as a lack of food. Have you ever eaten when you weren t really hungry to try to distract or relieve yourself from a feeling? It s possible to simply experience the sensations of emptiness or lack and discover that they aren t bad sensations. Try it and see for yourself: Exercise: What happens right now if you just allow any sensation of emptiness or lack or there not being enough? Are those sensations painful, or are they just particular sensations? Perhaps there is something in particular that feels lacking: a lack of strength, energy, or self-worth; a lack of excitement or interest; a sense of there not being enough security or safety; or a feeling that right now there is no joy or happiness 14

present. And yet are the sensations unpleasant that let you know these things seem to be missing? What happens if you just let them be here for a moment? It certainly would simplify life if we didn t have to do anything about these feelings of lack. So much of our activity and effort and our inner striving and longing is meant to get us more of what we seem to lack. But what if it is okay to lack something? What if we could just be here feeling empty? What a relief! So much less to do! Even more surprising is that the sensations of emptiness can be enjoyed. There is a richness to silence, to stillness, to space itself. We have been overlooking the richness of the inner silent spaces in our being. In a sense we are quite unfamiliar with them because we have been looking away from them most of our lives, so we are not very discriminating about their nature. Just as a wine connoisseur can make finer distinctions in the flavor and quality of wine than someone who has only tasted wine a few times, we can become connoisseurs of emptiness. Perhaps the biggest surprise is when we discover that the very thing that feels lacking in an experience of emptiness is often found in the emptiness itself. For example if we are feeling weak or lacking strength and energy, and we stay present to that specific sensation of weakness or lack, then we may notice a deeper more subtle sense of strength appearing in the emptiness. It is hard to say if the strength appears in the emptiness or if it was always there, but we were just to busy trying to avoid the emptiness to sense the subtle strength within it. Inner experiences of strength, joy, peace, and love, which can be found in the empty places within us, are much more subtle than the feelings we generate from our usual attempts to feel strong or happy or loving. However, as we focus on subtle, inner strength, joy, peace or love, the experience can become powerful and real in a way that far exceeds our expectations. Who knew that there was a deep reservoir of infinite peace lying under the restless feeling of a lack of peace? What a surprise to find abundant joy in the dry, empty sense of a lack of excitement and fun? This principle that there is a true source of strength, joy, peace and love to be found inside our strongest feelings of emptiness and lack is a radical new perspective. But this truth can only be known fully by diving into each experience of inner emptiness we encounter. It is so contrary to our conditioning and therefore to much of our experience that it requires a completely new habit of paying attention to the feelings of emptiness in order to discover for yourself the richness waiting there. 15

This would be easier if every time you turned your awareness towards an inner feeling of emptiness, not enough, or lack, you were immediately filled with a sense of abundant peace or joy. But the experience of emptiness is many-layered, like an onion. So, as we move into a particular feeling of emptiness we may find a deep inner sense of strength or love, or we may just uncover a deeper layer of conditioning. Initially, the sense of emptiness or lack might get worse. As we allow the feeling of there not being enough or of being inadequate to just be there, painful memories or a strong aversion to the sensation of emptiness may be triggered, which can make it difficult to keep your attention on the emptiness itself. Each time we are distracted or find ourselves avoiding the sense of something lacking, we miss the chance to discover a little more of the true nature of that inner emptiness, including any subtle inner quality to be found there. What is needed is a new habit of staying with each new layer of feeling and memory and sometimes stronger sensations of emptiness and incompleteness. There is nothing you can do to make the deepest feelings of peace and joy appear except to stay with your experience until they do. Exercise: Notice what you are feeling inside right now. Especially note whether there is any sense of emptiness or lack. It could be a lack of worthiness or capability or clarity and understanding. Or it could be a lack of peace or joy or love. For now, just allow any sense of lack to be here. Notice specifically how you experience the sense of lack. Where is it located? How big is the empty space? What are the sensations associated with it? Is the emptiness itself uncomfortable or is it just empty? Keep paying attention to the empty feeling and notice what happens next. Are there thoughts or memories that arise? Is it easy or hard to stay with the experience you are having? Remember to drop into your Heart or give space to the feelings, as this can help you stay with your experience. Know that whatever arises next is exactly what you need to experience right now. If there is a painful memory or uncomfortable emotion that is triggered, then just stay with that as best you can. Notice if there is an even deeper sense of emptiness or lack in each emotion that arises. If a strong desire or urge to move away or distract yourself arises, just stay with that urge. And again, notice if there is a deeper or bigger sense of emptiness that lies behind or beneath the desire to distract or move away. Especially be curious about the empty spaces or direct sensations of lack that you discover as you stay with your experience. Are the empty spaces painful or just empty? What qualities does the space itself have? Is it moving or still? Does it have a color? Is it clear or foggy? How big or deep is the emptiness? When your attention is simply on the empty space itself, you may notice something present or moving within the space. What is present in the center of the space where something is lacking? Is there any peace here in the emptiness? Is there any joy or 16

happiness? Is there any love? Set aside for a moment any expectations of what that peace or joy or love should look like and just be curious about any that you find. Especially set aside any expectations about how big or strong the feeling should be, and just be curious about the smallest sense of strength or clarity or peace that is present right now. Notice what happens as you pay attention to the center of the emptiness. Does the feeling of peace or joy get stronger, or does touching into a true sense of peace or joy trigger an even deeper longing and sense of lack? Stay with whatever arises for as long as you can. If any strong emotions or desires are stirred up by this exercise, take some time to just rest and settle after you stop exploring. This can be intense and difficult work, and it is important to nurture yourself in the process. It is the most surprising and liberating discovery to find that everything that really matters in life, such as peace, joy, strength, power, clarity, value or worth, support, nourishment, and love, can be found within you and not just when you are lucky enough to be already experiencing them fully, but also when it seems like they are absent and have never been there. Once you have discovered them in the sense of lack and incompleteness many times, then it becomes possible to just relax and know they are always there, no matter what the present moment feels like. This is the key discovery. Experiences of our true nature come and go like every other experience, but to deeply know that love is here in all of its glory even when you are experiencing the absence of it frees us from struggle and suffering. To know that everything you could ever want or need is already here, even when you are experiencing the opposite, frees you from having to acquire inner or outer experiences of satisfaction. Satisfaction is available, whether an experience is manifesting or just here in potential. Just as the potential energy stored in a battery means that you can be so sure of experiencing light when you turn on your flashlight that you can also turn it off when it isn t needed, so knowing the true potential of inner space or emptiness means that you can trust that everything is fine even if you are not experiencing any peace, joy, or love. It is still here in pure potential. In fact, the experiences or expressions of love and joy can never capture the infinite potential of the source of love and joy within us. Unlike the physical battery, which has limited potential energy, the source of peace, love, and joy in the emptiness of space or Being can never be exhausted. There is always more to be discovered, so much more that the ultimate vastness of it can t even be conceived, let alone experienced. So, you can finally just relax and know that it is here where it can never be lost or used up. Enjoy it while it appears, and enjoy the stillness and spaciousness that remains when there is not a particular manifestation of Presence or Being appearing. 17

DESIRING WHAT IS The Buddha said that desire is the root of all suffering. He didn t say most of the suffering or much of the suffering but all of it. Every single contraction of being is caused by desire. Because desire is such a powerful force, it is worth looking into. As powerful as desire is, every desire is a lie. Every desire is based on the idea that things can be different than they are, and that is just not true. Things have never been different than they are in any moment. Things are always the way they are. You can see how this lie might come to be because things are always different than they were. Because things are always changing, we think we can decide how it will be next, which is another lie. Take your own experience: How often have things turned out the way you wanted them to? Unfortunately, every now and then, things do turn out the way we want, so we get hooked on desiring like playing a slot machine. But, like a slot machine, it s a matter of luck: If you play the game of desire enough, once in a while you will win. When people see this lie, they become more accepting of the way things are. It s funny, though, their acceptance often has the quality of defeat or resignation: I ll accept it, but I don t have to like it! I invite you to consider another possibility. It s a strange possibility, but the results are wonderful, and that is to desire what is: Meet what is with the same passion you may have had for what could be or what should be. Meet what is with that kind of passion, with the same force that is able to generate all the suffering in the world. Bring that force to bear on the truth instead of on a lie. Gratitude is another word for this way of meeting what is in the moment. Gratitude is different than acceptance. Acceptance lacks passion and juice. That s why, even though people may see that things are the way they are, they often go back to the juiciness of wanting things to be different. At least desiring has drama, intensity, passion, and life even if it does result in suffering. The alternative to this suffering is desiring what is wholeheartedly truly saying yes to this moment exactly the way it is right now bringing that kind of passion and aliveness to the way things are. This results in instant unlimited happiness because every desire for what is, is always fulfilled! The reason people don t make this choice to want what is, is because it is so simple. Nothing is needed. People shy away from this because, in wanting what is, there isn t anything left 18

for you to do. That is the price to be paid: To truly want what is, you have to give up the idea of being someone who can change what is. There is no longer a place for that. Changing anything would be working at cross-purposes to what you desire. Then you come up against the inescapable paradox that even your desire for things to be different is something that you need to desire. You can t leave that out. You can t leave out the desires that arise for a relationship or for money or for spiritual awakening. You have to meet them with the same gratitude. You are never done being grateful because what is, is always changing, always new. Every moment is a completely new chance to be grateful. Whatever is happening has never happened before: Every emotion, thought, sensation, and experience arises completely fresh and new in the now. The opportunity to meet whatever is arising with gratitude and to passionately desire it, is always available. You never run out of things to be grateful for. Recognizing that whatever is, is only here for this moment and will never be exactly this way again gives us the passion to meet it with gratitude. Often, the reason we don t dive in with gratitude in moments of suffering or pain is because we think that if we do, things will stay the same. We think that if we love this moment the way it is and all of its pain (if that is what is present), we will get stuck in the pain, when the opposite is true: only when we resist what is does it stick around. If, instead, we embrace the moment, it naturally unfolds into the next new experience. What cuts through suffering is simply choosing to love what is in every moment, including every thought, feeling, and desire. It s not more complicated than that. You just meet whatever is arising with passion and gratitude, no matter how often it appears. The invitation is to find out for yourself what happens when you are willing to waste your desire on what is. Don t take my word for it. For just this moment, meet whatever is present with a passionate embrace, and then see if you can find any suffering here. 19

EVERY MOMENT IS SELF-REALIZATION Recently, a teacher and friend made a simple comment that the soul is the sum total of all of our experiences. It struck me how this meant every experience adds to our soul and there is no experience that can detract from it. If the soul is just that, the sum total of our experience, and not some special spiritual identity structure within Being, then there is no way you can lose or gain your soul. It is just here as the totality of everything that you have ever experienced, and it is always being added to by this moment s experience. No experience ever subtracts from it. Since we share experience with many other souls, that would mean that our souls overlap. Anywhere our experience overlaps, our souls would also overlap. And since we overlap with so many other souls, ultimately all souls are connected through this sharing of experience. Whenever a particular soul has a profound experience of awakened consciousness, their experience of the totality of consciousness by definition includes all experiences and all the apparent souls out there. Every experience is actually an experience of self-realization. In each and every experience we are realizing a capacity or aspect of our soul, and by extension an aspect of our ultimate nature as Being. Since ultimately all there is, is Being, every experience is an experience of Being. Every experience adds to the totality of our understanding and realization of our true nature. There is no other possibility. Now this is a dilemma for the parts of us that believe there is a better, truer, more spiritual aspect of our Being that we want to be realizing. What if my anger is part of my true nature? What if my greed, lust, fear, sadness, confusion, and pain, are all part of my true nature along with all of the love, peace, and joy that are also part of Being? In hoping and waiting for a better experience, we may be overlooking the profound significance of our present moment experience just as it is. It is not that sadness or greed are equivalent to peace and joy. While every experience is an experience of true nature, they do not all come in the same size. Not all experiences are equally significant. But they all have some significance. The experiences that we may reject because we think they are not the correct experience may actually be made up of the same peace, joy, and love we are hoping to have. We think 20

of this world as a world of opposites or dualities. But if we look more closely, we find that the so-called opposites are really just different amounts of one thing. Light and dark are an example. There really is no such thing as dark; it is only light that exists as photons. There are no darkons. You can t buy a flashdark and point it at things and make them disappear. However when there is little or no light, we call that dark, even though there is no such thing. Similarly, the only thing that exists is our true nature, which is filled with joy and love. If we are experiencing little or no joy or love, we may call that sadness or fear even if that is really only the relative absence of joy and love. And of course, there is often some joy in sadness, and some love even in fear. What if every experience is a unique jewel of our multifaceted Being? What if every experience adds to the abundance of our soul, and moves us towards the greatness of our true nature? What if what you are experiencing right now is unfolding your self-realization in the most amazing and unique way? Perhaps there is not some special experience of selfrealization that is the only worthwhile way to realize true nature. Maybe every soul s realization of true nature is meant to unfold in a completely unique way, so that every soul s experience can also add to the experience of the One Being that all souls are a part of, just as every experience adds to the richness of your soul. We resist this perspective when we really want self-realization to look a certain way. We want our realization to be like the dramatic experiences you read about in spiritual biographies of the great masters and teachers. We use the fact that there are bigger experiences of self-realization to discount and reject the smaller experiences we are already having. And yet the experiences we are having are also aspects of the truth of our Being. Everything from the most human thought or emotion to the most cosmic dimension of existence is an aspect of the totality of Being. While there is freedom in experiencing a profound realization of an infinite dimension of our true nature, that freedom is only added to by an experience of a very human or limited dimension of that same true nature. Every experience adds to your soul, and no experience subtracts from your Being. This doesn t mean you don t discriminate the difference between a small experience and a big one. Just as you can easily tell the difference between a teacup and a swimming pool, it is inherent in a small experience for it to feel small, and it is inherent in an infinite experience for it to feel infinite. While the experience you are having right now while reading these words may or may not be the biggest realization of your life so far, it is the realization you are having right now. It will naturally feel big or small or somewhere in between. It will naturally have the specific qualities of this unique moment, and not the qualities of any other experience. And yet, because it is happening right now, it is the most important realization you can have. In fact, it is the only realization you can have. It is too late or too soon to have any other experience 21

than the one you are having right now, and it is making your soul richer and more fully realized than it was a moment ago. Will you accept the precious gift the mystery is giving you right now? why fear this moment when no thoughts come at last I lie naked in the arms of experience why fear this moment when no words come at last I find rest in the lap of silence why fear this moment when love finds itself alone at last I am embraced by infinity itself why fear this moment when judgment falls away at last my defenses fail to keep intimacy at bay why fear this moment when hope is lost at last my foolish dreams are surrendered to perfection 22

LOVE IS FOR GIVING, NOT FOR GETTING (The following is an excerpt from the book, Living from the Heart by Nirmala. Part 2 of the book is available as a free download at http://www.endless-satsang.com/ebooks.htm, or you can purchase the entire book at http://www.endless-satsang.com/bookstore.htm.) What is love and where is it found? We search for love and try to get love, and yet it seems like we never get enough. Even when we have found love, it can slip away as time passes. What if there is a source of love that never fades and is always available? What if love is as near and easy as breathing? What if we have been looking for love in all the wrong places instead of actually lacking love? Love is both simpler and more mysterious and subtle than we have imagined it to be. Love is very simply the spacious, open attention of our awareness. Awareness itself is the gentlest, kindest, and most intimate force in the world. It touches things without impinging on them. It holds all of our experience but doesn t hold it down or hold it back. And yet, inherent in awareness is a pull to connect and even merge with the object of our awareness. It is this seemingly contradictory nature of awareness the completely open and allowing nature of awareness and its passionate pull to blend with and even become the object of its attention that gives life its depth and sweetness. There is nothing more satisfying than this delicious dilemma of being both apart from and at the same time connected to something we see, hear, or feel. Awareness is the beginning of all separation. Prior to awareness, there is just oneness or is-ness, with nothing separate from the oneness that would be able to experience it. With the birth of awareness, there is the subtle distinction of two things: that which is aware and the object of awareness. And yet, those two are still connected by this mysterious force we are calling awareness, or love. This flow of awareness and love that connects us to all we experience is the true source of satisfaction and joy. We have all experienced it to some degree. Whenever you fall in love with a person, pet, piece of music, or beautiful object, you have felt this flow of intimate, connected awareness. Unfortunately, we have been taught to believe that the source of this 23

good feeling was in the object of our affection. So, we suffered whenever we lost our apparent source. When our lover leaves, our beloved pet dies, the concert ends, or our dream home is repossessed, we feel bereft of that loving, connected feeling. But what if we are the source of the awareness that connects us to everything? What if the love we have been seeking has always been right here inside our own hearts? What if it doesn t really matter what our awareness is touching, but only that there is awareness flowing? That would profoundly simplify the search for love. Anything or any experience would be a suitable object for our love. The sweetness of love is in the flow of awareness itself. The completely allowing openness and freedom we might look for from a perfect lover is already here in our own awareness. It doesn t have to try to be accepting because awareness is by nature open and allowing. Awareness by itself cannot do anything but touch. Awareness cannot push or pull or demand something from or limit the freedom of what it touches. And yet, awareness is not an aloof distant observer. Awareness is deeply and intimately connected to the object of awareness. In fact, awareness and the object of awareness are ultimately the same thing. This connection and intimacy that is natural in awareness is satisfying and fulfilling regardless of the object of awareness. In other words, whatever you are experiencing right now is your true love. Whatever you are experiencing is an opportunity to also experience the depth of your true nature as open, loving awareness. Your true nature is true love. It is the perfect lover you have been seeking, and not only is it always here, but that is who you really are. You might be thinking, But wait, I don t feel like I am in love or loving all the time. Sometimes I feel lonely or angry and cut off from love and satisfaction. So how can it be that love is here, but we don t feel it? Is love really absent in those moments, or is it just limited in its expression and flow? Are there really moments when there is no awareness? Or is there always some awareness even if there isn t a lot? If there truly was no awareness, then there would be no problem because awareness is the beginning of separation, and the end of awareness is the end of separation. Practically speaking, without awareness, there cannot be loneliness, anger, or anything else. So when you are lonely or angry, there is at least some awareness, although possibly not much. Even when awareness is contracted and tight, as it often is when we are lonely, angry, sad, hurt, or afraid, the awareness has the same nature as when we are happy and excited. Even a single drop of water is still wet, and even a single drop of awareness is still open and allowing of whatever it is touching. The only trick to experiencing the open and allowing nature of awareness is to look for it in the actual experience you are having. When our awareness is contracted by judgment or fear, it is not actually touching the object of our 24

judgment or fear. Instead, it is touching the judgmental or fearful thought we are having. Awareness is completely allowing and open to that thought. That is the definition of awareness: it is the open and allowing recognition of the content of our experience. If awareness is not open to something, then we are not aware of it. The key to experiencing love is to notice where awareness is flowing right now. That flow of awareness is love, and it is the most satisfying and nourishing thing we can experience. There is naturally a direction to this flow of awareness. It moves from within our being to the objects and experiences we are having. We can only fully experience this flow of aware love as it moves in this direction. When someone else is lovingly aware of us (not of their judgments or desires regarding us, but simply of us as we are), we can experience the outer expression of their love. We can see the way they are looking at us, the smile on their face, and the responsiveness of their reactions to us. But the awareness of us is arising in them. The love is flowing from them towards us, and so it is filling them with this sense of satisfaction and joy. If we are to feel satisfaction and joy, it will depend on whether we are experiencing a flow of love towards them. It is our own open awareness that fills us with that sense of connection and appreciation. We are filled with love when we are giving it to someone or something else. Obviously it can be easier to open your heart and allow a fuller expression of your own love when the requirements of your conditioning are being met. When someone who matches your ideal for a lover is exhibiting attraction and interest in you, it is often especially easy to give them that same openness and attention in return. So naturally, when two people are falling in love, they are both feeling the fullness and richness of the free flow of awareness. Yet the contact each person has with the love is within themselves. It is their own love and awareness that is filling them up so richly. This truth, that we are filled with love when we love someone or something else instead of when we are loved, can free us from the search for love outside of ourselves. If you are still not sure that it is your own love that fills you, think of a time when someone else was in love with you, but you were not in love with that person. The flow of loving attention towards you was not satisfying, in fact it could have been uncomfortable having someone so interested in you when you were not feeling the same way. In contrast, when we are falling in love with someone, it can be rich, exciting, and energizing, even if it is not reciprocated. There is an intensity and beauty even in unrequited love. It is the outward flow of love that is filling us in that moment. So, along with the disappointment and hurt of not being loved back, we also experience a fullness and aliveness just from loving the other. In the Renaissance, unrequited love was even seen 25

as an ideal. It is the love flowing out from our heart that fills us with joy and satisfaction. The source is within you. There is just one awareness and one Being behind all the individual awarenesses. The way we as can reach that oneness of Being is by experiencing the flow of love from within our being. Paradoxically, the place where you are connected to others is inside your own heart. You cannot really connect to another externally. Even if you used super glue to attach yourself to another person, there would still be a sense of separation in your outer experience, not to mention how hard they might be trying to disconnect! On the inside, you are already connected to everyone and everything. The connection is this flow of awareness that is here right now reading these words. It is in the loving nature of awareness that the sense of connection is found, not in the objects of awareness. We are connected to others in the awareness flowing from within us to them. Connection is not found in the flow of awareness and love towards us as, by definition, that flow is connected to its source inside the other person. This is good news! We can experience limitless love no matter what anyone else is doing. The only thing that matters is how much we are loving, not how much we are loved. Right now you can be filled to overflowing with the incredible sweetness of love, just by giving awareness to anything and everything that is present in your experience. Don t take my word for it, test it out with this exercise: Exercise: Allow your awareness to settle on a physical object nearby. Take an extra moment to allow your awareness to fully touch the object. Just for the sake of this experiment, give as much love, appreciation, and acceptance as you can to that object. Then notice another object. As your awareness rests for a moment on that, give it as much love, appreciation, and acceptance as you can. Now allow your awareness to notice a sound in your environment. As you listen, give that same loving appreciation to the sound you are hearing. If you have any difficulty giving love and appreciation to a particular object or sound, try another object or sound. It will be easier at first to experience loving something for no particular reason if you pick a more neutral object or sound. Continue allowing your awareness to land on various objects, sounds, colors, tastes, smells, and sensations. With each one, allow as much love and appreciation to flow towards it as you can. Take as long as you like with each experience, and if it is difficult to feel love towards something, just move on. It will get easier to love for no reason as you repeat this exercise. 26