January 2011 VOL. 1 NO.1 Welcome to Ekklesia, the newsletter of Peacebridge Ministries! The title, EKKLESIA, is the ancient Greek term meaning, Gathering of the called out ones, also known as the Christian Church. Our calling is to strengthen the Ekklesia, hence the name of this newsletter. Building Bridges to Forgiveness and Reconciliation PEACEBRIDGE OFFERING FORGIVENESS WORKSHOP Live Free Breaking the Chains of an Unforgiving Past is a 1-day intensive workshop on forgiveness. Designed to help people break the chains of guilt, pain, fear, and sadness that are dragging them down, Live Free focuses on the biblical and clinical solution of forgiveness. Most of us sense that hanging on to anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die, and we further sense that we should forgive but we often just don t know how! Live Free is the answer to that dilemma. Live Free is guided by Peacebridge Ministries founder, Dr. Darrell Puls. When: Saturday, Feb. 26, 2011, 9 am-3:30 pm Where: The Inn at Life University, Cathedral of Joy, 1153 Gage Blvd, Richland, WA. Cost: $50 per person includes lunch and all materials. Registration Deadline: February 17, 2011 Register: http://conflicttopeace.com/images/flyerreg.pdf Peacebridge Ministries has moved! Cathedral of Joy Senior Pastor Bryan White asked Peacebridge to move our offices from their location near Costco into Life University on the COJ campus. We were happy to oblige. We are now located on the main floor of Life U off the east end of the gym. We have roughly twice as much office space but without the overhead costs. This wonderful gift of office space has made a world of positive difference with our financial situation and our ability to meet with clients. It also makes Peacebridge staff (me) available to Cathedral staff, pastors, and members. This truly is a win/win situation! Peacebridge Ministries is a nonprofit ministry serving churches, faith communities, couples, and individuals. Peacebridge Ministries has applied for IRS 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status. For more information, visit our website at: http://conflicttopeace.com OUR MISSION: PEACEBRIDGE MINISTRIES EXISTS TO PREVENT DESTRUCTIVE CONFLICT AND TO HELP CONFLICTED CHURCHES, COMMUNITIES OF FAITH AND FAMILIES RESOLVE CONFLICT IN A POSITIVE MANNER THROUGH COACHING, TRAINING, AND ON-SITE INTERVENTIONS USING PROVEN, BIBLICALLY SOUND PRACTICES.
JANUARY 2011 VOLUME 1, NO. 1 Four Words Over the years, I have been in many churches. I have heard a lot of sermons about love and forgiveness as internal conflict did its damage. I have also seen seemingly strong churches collapse under an onslaught of conflict. We so often proclaim peace and Christian love, but the realities when we get angry are far different: some of the most vicious fights I have ever experienced have been in Christian churches. I believe that the body of Christ can be framed and have its borders defined in four words from three languages: Sanctus (Latin, meaning holy ), ekklesia (ancient Greek, meaning those assembled or a called out assembly ), ubuntu (Zulu, meaning humanness, but with a wider definition of community accountability and restoration), and koinonia (ancient Greek, meaning communion connection ). In essence, the church is to be a holy community of those called out to God s service through close relational connections that seek to enhance, support, and restore one another through a communion connection with God and each other. It is a living organism that senses and responds to the mission God sets out before it through the power and presence of the Holy Spirit. Instead, 20-25% of all churches in North America will experience significant internal conflict this year resulting in split congregations, destroyed relationships, broken careers, and deep wounds that fester rather than heal. Unfortunately, many of us believe the old cliché that all we have to do is pray about it and everything will be all right. And so we wait By the time we figure out that the problem is beyond what we are equipped to handle, it is usually too late to prevent serious damage. It does not have to be this way! Most serious conflict can be prevented if only you know what to do! God gave us intellect for good reason to use it! CONFLICT QUOTES There is no future without forgiveness. Desmond Tutu Conflict cannot survive without your participation. Wayne Dyer Nothing of value happens without creative conflict. - Anonymous CHURCH CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE. FEW SEMINARIES TEACH CONFLICT MANAGEMENT WHAT CAN YOU DO? Call on Peacebridge to: Train your pastors, board, and leaders to be proactive in conflict sensing. Immunize your church by training key leaders, particularly pastors and board, in the fundamentals of conflict interventions, including: Calming very angry people; The art of the difficult conversation; The keys to unlocking the hidden meanings behind strong emotions; The art of asking powerful questions; Helping angry people hear each other; and Finding solutions that work (they usually aren t what you think). Which do your think costs more: Conflict intervention training, or Destructive conflict? Church conflict does not have to be destructive! PEACEBRIDGE MINISTRIES Cathedral of Joy 1153 Gage Blvd. Richland, WA 99352 509.627.1109 ext. 109 Darrell@conflicttopeace.com http://conflicttopeace.com.
JANUARY 2011 VOLUME 1, NO. 1 Couples Corner My wife says that if anyone doubts that God has a sense of humor, they should remember this: He made men and women, and then put us together! Part of the Peacebridge charter is to help engaged and married couples strengthen their relationships. This necessarily includes pastors and their spouses as well as church members. Every relationship will hit numerous rough spots. Every couple will disagree and argue. (Some tell me they never argue but, when pressed, they admit that they avoid arguing by shutting down and refusing to address the problem. Avoiding and shutting down are powerful forms of argument!) It is not that we argue that creates problems. The problems come from how we argue and how we respond to each other. It is possible to scream and do no damage, and to kill the relationship with whispers. It is fine that we disagree strongly as long as we keep the focus on the problem, not the person. (The person is not the problem; what the person does is the problem.) Too easily, we get frustrated when our viewpoints are rejected, and then we shift our perspective to seeing the other as the problem. We cannot change each other, but we can change how we act and react, which then allows the person to change. Clergy Couples It is very difficult for clergy couples to reach out and seek help when their relationship is in trouble. First, many (most?) congregations have an unexpressed expectation that their clergy have model marriages and perfect kids. Second, many clergy couples have no one to turn to with whom they feel safe. Third, many clergy couples are ashamed to admit they have problems. In coming newsletters, we will explore the dynamics of conflict in clergy marriages, including the premise that clergy marriages are at greater jeopardy than are many others due to the demands of the pastorate and the unexpressed expectations of church leaders and the congregation. HEARING WHAT WE DON T WANT TO HEAR Sometimes we do not want to hear what someone has to say, usually because it is negative and about us. You know what I m talking about you can feel your blood pressure increasing and your heart beating faster. As that happens, your ability to respond thoughtfully and caringly is severely reduced. How you respond largely determines whether things will escalate or be constructive. Here are a few tips to keep the conversation from turning into an argument: Listen carefully to every word. This tells them you care. Their complaint is not about you, though they may shape it that way. The second you respond defensively, they win! Be aware of your heartbeat and breathing slow down. Listen for the song beneath the words why is what they are complaining about important to them? Ask questions seeking more information, then listen carefully. Genuinely ask them to be part of a solution. Remember, the only person you can control is you! PEACEBRIDGE MINISTRIES Cathedral of Joy 1153 Gage Blvd. Richland, WA 99352 509.627.1109 ext. 109 Darrell@conflicttopeace.com http:conflicttopeace.com
Every newsletter will have an action plan for you to clip and save. Things They Don t Teach in Seminary (but Probably Should!) Don t make the mistake of thinking this can never happen to you! Thousands of pastors are assaulted every year. I saw it coming and dodged backward, hearing the whoosh of the pool cue as it barely missed my head that really focused my thoughts! Even though my heart was hammering as I circled away from him, I knew what to do because I had planned for it. What worked for me can work for you. The first step in self-protection is deciding ahead of time what you will do. Creating a response plan and rehearsing it in your mind tends to mean that you will follow it when confronted with an angry or violent person. Planning can save you from serious harm and even death. Not planning leaves you subject to panic and terribly vulnerable. 1. Keep your eyes focused on him (most attackers are male). If possible, keep a large object like a desk or table between you and keep moving so as to keep it between you. 2. Pray. In can be two words: Lord? Help! At some point, ask God s help and intervention, and pray for your attacker. It need not be a long prayer; Lord, please help this man, is sufficient. 3. Slow everything down. No matter how scared you are, speak lower and slower than he does. Ask questions and show sincere interest. Speaking in this manner allows adrenalin to wear off, causing him to come down from his rush into normalcy and, eventually, fatigue. 4. Don t touch! While it is meant as a gentling and calming gesture, it may have the opposite effect of necessitating a self-defense attack on you. 5. Keep firm, not aggressive, eye contact but do NOT try to stare him down. The first sign of an impending assault is often a widening of the eyes, and this may give you enough warning to get out of the way of a roundhouse punch. Maintaining eye contact shows respect for him, and steadfastness on your part. 6. Buy time. Ask him to sit down and discuss this with you, again always keeping a desk or some other major obstacle between you. You do not sit if he sits, you lean against something. This gives you a margin of safety while telling him that you take him seriously. 7. Do not block escape routes. A friend put himself between his antagonist and the door, stating that no one was leaving until the matter was settled. He woke up in an ambulance. 8. If he has a weapon, don t try to disarm him that is an almost guaranteed way to get seriously injured. If he gives you his weapon, get it out of sight and reach as quickly as possible. 9. Never turn your back in your antagonist, not even for a second.
10. Choose your words carefully and say nothing that casts him in a negative light. Ask questions, and then paraphrase his answers to show you understand. Knowing he is being heard has a calming effect. 11. Do not defend whatever he sees as your offense against him. Instead, ask for his help in finding a solution that works for both of you, thus acknowledging his power and ability to settle this peacefully, and your willingness to work with him (even if you aren t willing). 12. If asked for an apology, don t get caught up in the old I don t think I did anything wrong foolishness apologize and ask for forgiveness. Whether or not you did anything wrong is irrelevant. 13. Offer to meet with him at a time when both of you are calm. If he agrees, make sure it s a public place Starbucks is great! 14. Finally, ask if you can pray for him. This shows that you still care and still see him as a child of God. Still, keep your eyes open. 15. Get away if you can and call the police. They have the authority to place him into a mental evaluation setting. My attacker? It seemed like an hour but was only a few minutes of my talking quietly to him as we circled the pool table before he threw down the cue and left, disgusted that I would not fight him. I never saw him again. Darrell Puls