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2 PRESIDENT S DAY PRESIDENT S DAY A Ten Minute Presidential Satire By A.J. Ferguson SYNOPSIS: Newly elected President Donald Trump seeks counsel from George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Abraham Lincoln, and George Washington. Tempers flare, intellects are strained, and old friends turn against each other. CAST OF CHARACTERS (5 either) WASHINGTON (m/f)... The first president. (17 lines) LINCOLN (m/f)... The 16 th president. (18 lines) CLINTON (m/f)... The 42 nd president. (2 lines) W. BUSH (m/f)... The 43 rd president. (28 lines) TRUMP (m/f)... The 45 th president. (26 lines) DURATION: 10 minutes SETTING: The oval office on President s Day. TIME: During a rare disconnect between President Trump and female voters. SET The oval office on President s Day: a desk, telephone, and trash can. Book Papers PROPS AUTHOR S NOTE You would think that someone would have officially decided how to spell this federal holiday, but even the White House hasn t chosen a single variation for its style. Sometimes they spell it President s Day and other times Presidents Day. Some states, like Iowa, don t officially acknowledge the day at all.
A.J. FERGUSON 3 AT RISE: WASHINGTON, LINCOLN, and W. BUSH are sitting in the oval office. President TRUMP sits behind his desk on the phone with someone we are to assume is very important. LINCOLN: Do you guys know why we were the only three invited this year? W. BUSH: I think it s cause Mr. Big Britches over there admires us. He thinks we re awesome. WASHINGTON: Perhaps we should be quiet and allow President Trump to finish his telephone call. The other men, out of respect for WASHINGTON, sit quietly and await TRUMP. LINCOLN reads quietly, while W. BUSH crumples paper and starts shooting it in the direction of the trash can. After a few shots, W. BUSH gets bored and leans over toward LINCOLN. W. BUSH: (To LINCOLN, at a whisper.) Hey man, did they ever let you drive Air Force One? TRUMP hangs up the phone. W. BUSH quickly straightens back up. TRUMP: Abe. Can I call you Abe? I need your help. LINCOLN: (Standing out of respect.) Actually, I hate being called Abe. TRUMP: (Ignoring LINCOLN s response.) Great, since you have some experience with half of the country hating you, I was wondering if you could give me some advice. W. BUSH: Has Texas finally receded from the Union? I m sorry Mr. President, but my allegiance is with Texas first. TRUMP: No W., that s not my problem at all. As it turns out, it appears that an entire gender has declared war on my presidency. W. BUSH: Oh man, that s too bad. I never liked that LTGB crowd neither. WASHINGTON: I believe the President means his administration is displeasing to some of the women of this country. TRUMP: Indeed. So, Abe, do you have any pointers? LINCOLN: I do not think your predicament is comparable to the one we faced during the Civil War.
4 PRESIDENT S DAY W. BUSH: I agree with ole honest Abe. Seems like apples an peaches to me. TRUMP: Well, if you guys can t help me, I m going to have to call in some backup. (Picks up the phone.) Send him in. ALL look to the door as CLINTON enters. W. BUSH: (Under his breath.) Hide yer interns. CLINTON: (With a big smile.) How might I be of assistance, Mr. President? TRUMP: Bill, can I call you Bill? You were accused of sexual harassment, and yet you were re-elected. How did you get the public to forget about your misdeeds? CLINTON: Well, Mr. President, as you know, I am married, to my lovely wife, Hillary. She was my rock throughout those most treacherous days TRUMP: Wrong. LINCOLN: Mr. President, how can he be wrong? You were merely asking him his opinion. TRUMP: His opinion is wrong. (Picks up the phone.) Please come escort Mr. Clinton back to the lobby. The door opens. TRUMP: (To CLINTON.) You re fired. CLINTON exits. W. BUSH: Good move, Mr. President. I ve never trusted that ole snake charmer neither. LINCOLN: It seems to me that you re going to have to delve deeper to find the answers to your problem. WASHINGTON: I agree. TRUMP: Well, what do you suggest? W. BUSH: If I may, sir, I have an idea... what if we started a zombie apocalypse? LINCOLN: How would that resolve the situation?
A.J. FERGUSON 5 W. BUSH: OK. Zombies take over the world, but we have the secret cure. So, after a few weeks, this little war on women will be long gone and Donald here comes forward with the super-secret serum and saves the entire planet from utter annihilation. (To himself.) We d be legends. WASHINGTON: A zombie apocalypse would claim the lives of countless millions of Americans. Just like King George. I really hate that guy. LINCOLN: I agree. TRUMP: I don t know fellas. I think W. is on to something here. W. BUSH: (Surprised.) Thanks, man. TRUMP: But I also think George can I call you George? is right. What s another way to get the spotlight off of this, but without killing millions of my own peasants I mean, citizens? W. BUSH: What about this? We bring back the swine flu. LINCOLN: That s worse than your first idea. WASHINGTON: I agree. That s your worst idea since you invaded Iraq. W. BUSH: Whoa man, that was a low blow. TRUMP: What else you got, W.? W. BUSH: What about this one? Hear me out... you have a heart attack. But it s all a sham. After a few weeks of the country mourning, you magically reappear with a new pet tiger named Rufus. (To himself.) Man, that d be awesome! WASHINGTON: That seems like some form of lying. And I hate lying. The only thing I hate more than lying is turkey bacon, which is a weak piece of meat that s lying about being bacon. LINCOLN: I agree. I don t know if I can condone such behavior. TRUMP: I m sorry W., but I m with these boy scouts on this one. I don t want to do anything that could potentially damage my indubious reputation. WASHINGTON: I do not think indubious is a word. W. BUSH: Course it s a word! I use it all the time. LINCOLN: It doesn t matter if it s a word. We have far more important things to worry about. W. BUSH: Like what? TRUMP: Like how most of the women in the country don t approve of my presidency.
6 PRESIDENT S DAY W. BUSH: OK well, what about this? You have an operation. Fall asleep a man, and wake up a woman TRUMP: Wrong. WASHINGTON: (To W. BUSH.) I thought you were against transgenderism anyway. W. BUSH: When did I say that? LINCOLN: Five minutes ago, you said you never much cared for the LGBT crowd. W. BUSH: Yer point? No one answers W. BUSH. TRUMP: I refuse to become a woman. Does anyone have an idea that doesn t involve genocide or castration? WASHINGTON: What if you told the truth, Mr. President? TRUMP: What are you saying, George? I ve always been a truthful person. W. BUSH: Does the T in LTGB stand for transgender? Everyone ignores W. BUSH. WASHINGTON: I m merely pointing out that a good old-fashioned inspiring speech to reassure the country of your commitment to all the people could go a long way. LINCOLN: I agree. W. BUSH: Speeches are great, but that plan would only distract the people for a few days... what if we promised to put the WNBA on national television every weekend? TRUMP: Do you want me to get assassinated? LINCOLN: Too soon, man. WASHINGTON: I agree. That was uncalled for. TRUMP: I m sorry Abe. I forgot. It s quiet for a second while the PRESIDENTS think to themselves.
A.J. FERGUSON 7 W. BUSH: OK, what about this one? You tell us all where you re keeping the aliens. Then, they come back to life and take over the world. But, you know their weakness and then we drive Air Force One up to the mother ship to negotiate a truce and pay them off with liberal celebrities they can use for their experiments. (To himself.) Man, we d be legends! TRUMP: For the last time, W., I m not telling you where we keep the aliens. LINCOLN: I think that would be wise. WASHINGTON: I agree. W. BUSH: I don t know what you want me to say, boss, especially if I can t use zombies, aliens, or dinosaurs. TRUMP: Dinosaurs? W. BUSH: Oh, have I not told you guys that one yet? Well, we find out where Steven Spielberg filmed Jurassic Park, capture a giant T- Rex, bring it to New York, let it run around the city for a few hours, and then recapture it. (To himself.) Man, that d be awesome! TRUMP: That s your best idea yet! WASHINGTON: You guys do realize that movie was made in a studio with fake dinosaurs, right? LINCOLN: Yeah right, George. That movie is amazing. WASHINGTON: You have all been deceived. W. BUSH: So we are decepted then? WASHINGTON: Yes... those aren t real dinosaurs. TRUMP: Of course they are! LINCOLN: Yeah! That movie is a classic. Stop being such a stick in the mud, George. WASHINGTON: Whatever you say. Jurassic Park is not a real place. W. BUSH: That s not true. That s the island in the middle of the ocean where we send all dem terrorists like Bin Laden. Speaking of, I m still mad no one has caught that ole boy. LINCOLN: W., Obama got Bin Laden. Did you not hear about that? WASHINGTON: Obviously not. W. BUSH: Once Obama took office, I went off the grid. LINCOLN: Just because he became president? W. BUSH: Dang straight. There was no tellin when he d release the aliens. TRUMP: Guys! We still need to solve my problem.
8 PRESIDENT S DAY W. BUSH: What if we gave all women the right to vote? TRUMP: W., you re a genius. Lights fade to black. THE END