THE INN CROWD by Jeff Dyer
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The Inn Crowd A Christmas comedy about a complex check-in by Jeff Dyer
CAST OF CHARACTERS In order of appearance MARTHA SUSANNA SILAS ASAPH LEPER PROPHET JOSEPH MARY JETHRO OBED BLIND PERSON SCRIBE SAMARITAN SADDUCEE PHARISEE WIDOW SHEPHERDS 1- WISE MAN 1- ANGELS (Nonspeaking roles) POOR TRAVELER
PRODUCTION NOTES Did you ever wonder who else may have been turned away from the Inn besides Mary and Joseph? There s a vacancy at Martha and Silas inn and an assortment of characters try to claim the one remaining room, ranging from a leper to a Pharisee to a scribe to a prophet with a penchant for a Magic Ball. As unyielding innkeeper Martha finds something wrong with each one, the sign quickly gets changed to No Vacancy. Even Mary and Joseph get banished to the barn! But through the supernatural events of Jesus birth, Martha softens, and she finds room in her heart and her inn for some of the least of these. Suggestions for Doubling Parts The parts that should not be doubled are Martha, Susanna, Silas, Joseph, and Mary. The same person could play the Leper, Blind Person, the Samaritan, and Poor Traveler. Another actor could play Asaph, the Prophet, Jethro, and the Scribe. There may be fewer Shepherds by reassigning lines. Obed, the Scribe, the Samaritan, Sadducee, Pharisee, and Widow may double as Shepherds, Wise Men, or Angels. Props Rags, broom, large sign reading No Vacancy on one side and Vacancy on the other, decorative basket, piece of paper folded to look like a brochure, suitcase, clipboard and pen, shovel, robe, Magic Ball, bottle of red wine or sparkling grape juice, vase of flowers, walking stick, feather pen, several scrolls, doll for baby Jesus, gifts resembling gold, frankincense, and myrrh for the Wise Men, and a large sign reading Holy Day Inn. Costumes Biblical costumes for all. Simple robes, sandals, and headpieces would work for Martha, Susanna, Silas, Joseph, Mary, Widow, and Shepherds. Richer robes would be best for Asaph, Prophet, Jethro, Scribe, Sadducee, Pharisee, and Wise Men. Tattered robes would work for Leper (with the addition of bandages), Blind Person, Obed, and Poor Traveler. The suggested doubling of roles listed above groups the parts according to richer- or poorer-looking robes. Try to add or
subtract something from the costume to change it up for the next appearance. Additionally, accessorize with staffs for the Shepherds, hats for the Wise Men, an apron for Susanna, and any other pieces you feel would accentuate the characters. Set A humble inn. A simple table and chairs and perhaps some clay pots should suffice. At Stage Right is a stable with straw and animals (may be painted on backdrop).
1 1 1 1 0 1 (SUSANNA, a servant girl, enters. She is cleaning and dusting. MARTHA, wife of the innkeeper, enters. There is a large sign reading No Vacancy posted. She flips it over to read Vacancy. She cleans up the same places SUSANNA has already cleaned, humming and whistling lightly.) MARTHA: Be sure to sweep under the rugs too, Susanna. SUSANNA: Yes, ma am. MARTHA: Hmmmm. I think the guest rooms could use a little more attention. SUSANNA: Yes, ma am. Right away, ma am. (Exits. After a few seconds, SILAS the innkeeper enters. He is carrying a decorative basket.) SILAS: Honey, where did you want this basket? MARTHA: Oh, I ve been looking all over for that! Here, let me have it. (SILAS hands it to her. She places it down, steps back, and stares at it.) Hmmmm SILAS: Good? O-kaaaay. (Starts to slowly back away.) Think I ll be going now. There s a big chariot race today. Zebediah and I are going to watch it. So I ll just see you later? (MARTHA motions with her finger for him to come back. He sighs.) Yes, dear? MARTHA: Silas, this inn is a mess! We have to keep it well maintained. You never know who might show up! (SUSANNA enters quietly.) SILAS: I know, I know. It has been quiet around here the past few weeks. If you weren t so well, picky maybe we d have more guests. (SUSANNA slowly creeps away, avoiding the argument.) MARTHA: What? What did you say? SILAS: Well, honey, you know you are a bit particular about the company we keep. MARTHA: Am I? Is it wrong to have high standards? Now that Quirinius is Governor of Syria, and what with the census, business will pick up. You ll see! (Shows him a brochure.) Look, I ve made up a new pamphlet to advertise! Still trying to come up with a name for our inn, though. SILAS: (Reading) Come and stay at the Bethlehem
1 1 1 1 0 1 metropolitan area s finest inn! So affordable, you ll only pay shekels! Comfort beyond belief: the softest straw beds for miles around! Complimentary breakfast features fresh baked unleavened bread! Includes outdoor swimming pool! Uhhhh, Martha, we don t have a pool. MARTHA: What do you call that pond behind the stables? SILAS: Oh. Right. Speaking of stables, I should go feed the animals. (Exits to the stable at Stage Right. ASAPH enters, carrying a suitcase.) ASAPH: (To MARTHA) Excuse me. I ve been traveling for days, heading to the registration. I would like a room. MARTHA: Oh! Well, let s talk about this first. I have some paperwork I need you to fill out. (Takes out a clipboard and pencil.) This is just a routine check-in procedure. Name? ASAPH: My name is Asaph. MARTHA: And Asaph, what do you do for a living? ASAPH: My job? Well what does that have to do with staying at your inn? MARTHA: It s routine procedure. Occupation? ASAPH: Well, um, I m a tax collector. MARTHA: You re a what? ASAPH: T-tax collector. I collect taxes. Money. From people. Why does that matter? MARTHA: Oh, my. No. No! (Flips the sign back to No Vacancy. ) I m sorry. We have no rooms available for you. You will have to leave. So sorry. ASAPH: What? But you had a room open when I first came in! MARTHA: Things change quickly. Have a nice day. Bye now! (Walks away.) ASAPH: Well, I never! Of all the Hmph! (Stomps out, angry. MARTHA waits until he is gone, then flips the sign back to Vacancy. SILAS returns to the inn.) SILAS: The cows are all fed, and I put some fresh straw in there. It s actually nice and warm in there! Almost cozy, in fact.
1 1 1 1 0 1 MARTHA: Well, I m sure the cows will be very comfortable. Unfortunately, I had to send away another prospective guest. SILAS: Another one? (Sighs deeply.) Martha, we can t afford to have such high standards! Think of all the income we ve lost because so few potential guests are good enough in your eyes, and you turn them away! MARTHA: Silas, is it wrong to expect decent people to spend the night here? Don t forget this is our home too. If we give a common man a bed for the night, why, we might be robbed in our sleep! Is that what you wish? SILAS: No, of course not, but MARTHA: I have prepared this inn with love and care! I want visiting kings to stay here! If we provide room for royalty, think of how we will be regarded in the community! Think of the treasures that might be given us! SILAS: I like to think we re already rich, Martha. Helping people in need, giving travelers a place to sleep for the night Isn t that worth more than money or reputation? MARTHA: I think you re going to be sleeping with the cows tonight! SILAS: Perhaps I should tend the crops? MARTHA: Perhaps you should! (SILAS exits quickly. A LEPER enters, wrapped in bandages.) LEPER: (Shouting) Unclean! Unclean! Unclean! MARTHA: (Jumps back, aghast.) Oh, dear! What who are you? LEPER: (Extends hand but MARTHA looks repulsed and doesn t take it.) Hello, ma am. I am sorry to bother you, but my sores are painful. MARTHA: Wh-why do you have sores? LEPER: I have leprosy. It s quite uncomfortable. A soft bed would help so much. (Points to the sign.) I see you have a room MARTHA : Well no. (Flips the sign back to No Vacancy. ) If only you were here five minutes earlier. It s our busy
1 1 1 1 0 1 season, you know. LEPER: Busy? But I don t see anyone around. MARTHA: (Fake smile) Perhaps your condition has affected your vision. LEPER: I will keep to my own room away from the others. I won t be a problem for you. MARTHA: Oh, it s not that. We re full. We really are. There s a Sheep Herding Convention in town, and we expect many guests. And sheep! (A PROPHET enters with a scroll.) May I help you? PROPHET: I am heading to my hometown to register, and I have seen a vision. You have an empty room, and I would like it! MARTHA: (Excited) Oh, my! Are you are you PROPHET: A prophet? Yes. MARTHA: How did you know what I was going to ask? (The PROPHET smiles, raising an eyebrow knowingly.) Oh, of course! You re a prophet! (Flips sign back to Vacancy. ) PROPHET: Aha! The prophecy is fulfilled! LEPER: What about me? MARTHA: What about you? LEPER: You re treating me like a leper! MARTHA: You think? Look, I spent hours cleaning, and you re well, frankly, you re unclean. You re just not the sort of person we want around here. (Calling Offstage) Susanna! (SUSANNA enters.) SUSANNA: Yes, ma am? MARTHA: Please escort this person out of here. And please, don t touch him. (LEPER exits with SUSANNA, who stands far away. SILAS re-enters carrying a shovel. MARTHA continues to talk to the PROPHET, obviously enraptured by him.) So do you travel much? PROPHET: Oh, yes. I have seen the world! Well, the parts already discovered, that is. MARTHA: Really? How fascinating! SILAS: So, do we have us a guest? MARTHA: Yes! A world-renowned prophet! SILAS: A real prophet? Incredible!
1 1 1 1 0 1 MARTHA: Tell me, will we be visited by a king any time soon? PROPHET: (Takes out a Magic Ball and shakes it.) Outlook good! MARTHA: How exciting! Will this king be known the world over? PROPHET: (Shakes the Magic Ball again.) Signs point to yes! MARTHA: Wonderful, wonderful! One more question: Does he have a rich kingdom on earth, and will he hand out gold and silver to those who bow before him? PROPHET: (Shakes it again.) Don t count on it! MARTHA: Hmmmm that s strange. What kind of king doesn t have a kingdom on earth? Anyway, why don t I show our guest to his room? You re going to love what I m cooking for dinner tonight! PROPHET: It wouldn t happen to be baked goat with lentils and cornbread with sycamore jam, would it? MARTHA: How d you guess? (Both of them catch themselves, then laugh as they exit. SILAS turns the sign back to No Vacancy. He walks around a bit tidying up, then JOSEPH and MARY enter.) SILAS: Oh, hello there! JOSEPH: Is there is there room? SILAS: Oh. You mean here? You want to stay here? JOSEPH: (Nods.) Mary is about to have a child this very night. SILAS: Is she? Oh, my. Sounds as though you are in great need. (Starts to turn the sign to Vacancy. ) JOSEPH: Are you in charge here? SILAS: Yes. Well, actually (Stops turning the sign, leaving it at No Vacancy. ) Hang on just a minute, please. (Runs out.) JOSEPH: (Calls out.) We don t have much time! (Sighs and paces around.) MARY: Oh, Joseph, what if they turn us away? JOSEPH: They will not. They must not. (SILAS and MARTHA enter.) MARTHA: What do you mean, she s having a baby? As in now?
1 1 1 1 0 1 SILAS: It would appear that way. This is I m sorry, I didn t catch your names. JOSEPH: I am Joseph, and this is my wife, Mary. MARY: We have traveled so far this cold, dark night. Please help us! MARTHA: (Grabs her clipboard.) Occupation? (JOSEPH looks confused.) SILAS: (To JOSEPH) It s standard procedure. JOSEPH: (Nods.) Carpenter. MARTHA: (Snooty) Oh, I see. (Looks closely at MARY.) You are quite young. MARY: I am. MARTHA: I suppose your husband is pleased he is to be a father soon. MARY: (Hesitant) My husband is not the child s father. MARTHA: Excuse me? What did you say? MARY: There was an angel, you see. He told me the baby was from God! (MARTHA looks astonished.) MARTHA: Silas, please see them out. SILAS: Oh, no. Martha, certainly you see that we can help this couple! Should we not? MARTHA: No. We. Should. Not. Did you hear what that delusional girl said? Her baby, from God? Whoever heard of such a thing! Now, I have some tidying up to do. I trust you will take care of this situation! (Exits.) SILAS: I am sorry. There is no room for you at our inn. MARY: (Drops head.) Joseph, what are we going to do now? JOSEPH: We ll think of something. Thank you for your time. Good evening. (They start to leave slowly. SILAS looks down at his shovel.) SILAS: (To himself) The stable! At the very least, we can let them stay there! (To MARY and JOSEPH) Please stop! (Runs to them.) I know it s not much, but we do have a stable. It will give you some shelter from this night. JOSEPH: Thank you. We gladly accept your generous offer. MARY: You are most kind. (She puts her hand on SILAS face. SILAS leads them to the stable, where they sit down amid the animals.)
1 1 1 1 0 1 SILAS: If there s anything you need, please let me know. (JETHRO and OBED enter the inn. SUSANNA and MARTHA greet them. JETHRO carries a long robe.) MARTHA: Welcome, welcome! Susanna, please take the gentleman s robe. (SUSANNA takes the robe from JETHRO.) May I help you? JETHRO: I would like a room. MARTHA: (With clipboard) Occupation? Of course, I can see by your beautiful robe that you must be a man of plenty! JETHRO: Yes, I am. My name is Jethro, and I own a large vineyard. (Hands MARTHA a bottle of red wine.) Please accept this gift as a token of my appreciation. MARTHA: Oh, how wonderful! What year? JETHRO: B.C. A good year! A dry red wine. Dry as the desert, but as refreshing as the Jordan River! MARTHA: (Glances at OBED, who is dressed poorly.) And who are you? JETHRO: Answer the woman! She s talking to you! OBED: M-my name is Obed. I work in the vineyard. I am a day laborer. MARTHA: (Writing on clipboard) Well! It appears we have room for one of you, but not the other. Susanna, will you please see Jethro to his room? And put this in the wine cellar, please. (Hands her the bottle. SUSANNA escorts JETHRO away. MARTHA stands there looking with disgust at OBED.) OBED: What about me? MARTHA: Sorry, that won t be possible. OBED: What about the stable? Could I stay in there instead? MARTHA: Oh, don t be silly! Who would sleep in a stable? OBED: (Points to MARY and JOSEPH and SILAS.) Well those people over there! MARTHA: (Surprised) What? No no, you will need to leave. (OBED exits sadly. MARTHA watches from afar with disdain and crosses her arms. SILAS approaches MARTHA, sees her angry face, and knows he is in trouble.) SILAS: We, um, had room in the stable. The cows they won t mind. D-do you?
1 1 1 1 0 1 MARTHA: So she is to give birth in our stable? SILAS: We could have had room for them. You know we have an open room! Did they not deserve such accommodations? MARTHA: Silas, you re not seeing the big picture. What if a king unexpectedly showed up? That was one of our last rooms, and there would have been no room at the inn! Besides, you heard what the prophet said. A king will be visiting us! It could happen at any moment. We must be prepared! (SILAS nods silently. MARTHA looks up, squinting.) What is that bright light? SILAS: (Glances up.) Hmmmm. Looks like a star. And it s shining right over our stable. MARTHA: Well, that s strange. (MARTHA turns and looks at MARY and JOSEPH, pauses a moment, then both she and SILAS exit. Music plays as MARY holds baby Jesus for the first time. MARTHA enters with a vase of flowers. SILAS enters with a shovel.) MARTHA: Won t this arrangement look lovely, Silas? These flowers will really brighten up the inn. And the fragrance is simply divine! SILAS: Yes, dear. Say, you know the couple that stopped last night? They had their baby. A little boy! I hear they ve named him Jesus. MARTHA: Oh, that s wonderful for them! Is he healthy? SILAS: Seems to be. Strong little fellow. You want to come see? He s right over there. MARTHA: No, I m busy getting things ready, Silas. Not right now. SILAS: Hey, Martha you know how we don t have a name for the inn? Well, I ve been thinking, and I came up with something that just might (SUSANNA runs in, out of breath.) SUSANNA: Miss Martha Mr. Silas! SILAS: What is it, Susanna? What s wrong? SUSANNA: The people! They re lining up outside! MARTHA: Are they? Oh, very good! Well, let them in! (SUSANNA exits, then re-enters with a group of people: BLIND
1 1 1 1 0 1 PERSON, SCRIBE, SAMARITAN, SADDUCEE, PHARISEE, and WIDOW.) Single file, please! Single file! (Grabs clipboard. To BLIND PERSON) OK, what do you need? BLIND PERSON: (Using a walking stick) I am blind. Will you find it in your heart to give me room? To be a light for me in the darkness? MARTHA: I am sorry about your lack of vision, but we re not equipped to handle your disability. Besides, if you were to trip and fall, then no, I m sorry. (BLIND PERSON shakes his head and exits.) Next! SCRIBE: (Carrying a feather pen) I am a scribe. MARTHA: (Impressed) Well, yes you are! It s always a pleasure to welcome scribes. SCRIBE: I m staying here while I write my next scroll. It s certain to be a bestseller! MARTHA: Do you think you ll be writing about our inn during your stay? SCRIBE: Oh, perhaps, if anything newsworthy happens here. (Enters.) MARTHA: Next! SAMARITAN: I am from Samaria. MARTHA: How unfortunate. SAMARITAN: But I am a good person! MARTHA: A good Samaritan? Is there such a thing? Sorry. Nothing good has come out of Samaria. (SAMARITAN exits.) Next! (SADDUCEE and PHARISEE stand side by side.) SADDUCEE: (Stands tall and very haughty.) I am a Sadducee a high priest! MARTHA: (Bows.) An honor to meet you! PHARISEE: (Holding many scrolls) And I am a Pharisee a man of the law. MARTHA: Did you say the law? PHARISEE: You would not want a lawsuit, would you now? MARTHA: (Smiles nervously.) Oh Make yourselves at home. Please! Let me know what I can do for you! (They enter.) Next! (The WIDOW approaches meekly.) And you are? WIDOW: I am a widow, alone in the world. I need a room for tonight, if you could be so kind.
1 1 1 1 0 1 MARTHA: Do you have resources to pay for the room? WIDOW: I am afraid I do not. I gave everything I had to a beggar in the town square. MARTHA: You gave everything you had? Why? WIDOW: Because he needed it more than I did. MARTHA: Well, you should have kept something for yourself, because I cannot allow you to stay here if you re unable to pay! WIDOW: I I understand. (Exits. SHEPHERDS enter.) MARTHA: Shepherds? Oh, dear No, no, no. (Approaches them.) Look, I m sorry. What with the registration in the area, we re all full. (Points to No Vacancy. ) SHEPHERD 1: We re not here to stay at your inn. MARTHA: Y-you re not? Then what are you SHEPHERD : We have been following a star overhead. MARTHA: (Points up.) That one? Yes, I did notice it earlier. SHEPHERD : It has led us here. SHEPHERD : May we please have a look inside? MARTHA: Inside my inn? No, I don t think that would be SHEPHERD : Not your inn your stable out back. MARTHA: The stable? SHEPHERD : We don t wish to be a bother. We won t disturb your animals. SHEPHERD : We re good with sheep. MARTHA: Silas, come here! (He approaches. She leans toward him, stage-whispering.) We can t let these shepherds into the stable! They ll find the baby in there. What will they think of us? SILAS: (To the SHEPHERDS) That stable is full of cows and sheep. It s kind of messy. You wouldn t really enjoy it. Smells kind of bad, too. SHEPHERD 1: We don t mind how it looks or smells. SHEPHERD : We ve come to see the Child. MARTHA: (Pretending to be surprised) Child? Ha, ha! What child? Why would there be a child in there? Of all the silly things! SILAS: Martha enough! They know the truth. (To SHEPHERDS) It s OK. Go ahead. It s that way. (Points
1 1 1 1 0 1 them toward the stable. The SHEPHERDS approach and bow before baby Jesus.) MARTHA: Why in the world are they bowing? It s just a baby, for heaven s sake! SILAS: (To himself, reflectively) For heaven s sake MARTHA: What? What did you say? SILAS: When I saw the baby earlier, his eyes looked right into mine. It was as if that little baby knew me knew everything about me! Doesn t make sense, I know but that s how I felt. (Shakes his head and exits. MARTHA continues cleaning. MARY carries baby Jesus over to her.) MARY: Hello. MARTHA: Oh! How how is your stable? Anything I can get for you? MARY: No. We re fine, thank you. MARTHA: I I m sorry about not finding room for you at the inn. You shouldn t have to stay with the animals. Look if you want, I can make other arrangements. We can find a room. We can make room. MARY: This is good. It s fitting. You were a blessing to us. We are so lucky we found you and this place. MARTHA: Well, that s you re welcome. (Looks at baby Jesus.) He s a beautiful baby. MARY: Would you like to hold him? MARTHA: Me? Oh, no. I wouldn t I don t know how (MARY hands baby Jesus to MARTHA, who coos at him.) Hello there! Silas was right. You re looking right at me like you know me. And he s he s smiling! (Sticks her finger toward the baby.) Quite a grip on this little guy! He s holding on like he will never let go of me, ever. (Looks up.) What have I done? How many others have I turned away, hungry and shivering, into the cold, dark night? How many have I turned my back on? I could have found the room. I should have let them in! How could I turn them away? How could I turn this baby away? (Hands the baby back to MARY, who crosses back to the stable. SILAS runs On-stage, breathing hard.) SILAS: Martha! Martha, they re here! You won t believe it!
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