2015 Brian Bandas This ebook is protected under the Creative Commons license. No commercial use, no changes. I will be honored, however, if you choose to share it, post it, print it or copy it. You can download this book for free at http://www.brianbandas.com Whatever you do, don t pay for this book. If you do, you ve been had. If you re simply racked with the guilt of enjoying this for free while I waste away, what I would appreciate more than anything would be your endorsement to your friends and colleagues. Share the book with them, send them to my website, perhaps get a new haircut with a tight fade and my logo buzzed into the back. Best of all, subscribe to my blog at http://www.brianbandas.com/blog where I talk about how to absolutely wreck shop while we re here on earth, doing my darnedest to come up with ways to make your life just a little bit better. I hope this book does that. Enjoy. 1
FORTIFY YOUR MARRIAGE. 2
TABLE OF CONTENTS Introduction...4 1. Decide...6 2. Acknowledge...8 3. Dispel...9 4. Speak...10 5. Imagine...12 6. Visualize...14 The Challenge...16 3
INTRODUCTION Five years ago, I gave my word as a man before every human that I love friend and family as well as my beautiful bride and my God, that I would remain faithful to my wife as long as my heart is beating. Now let me be clear: I completely out-punted my coverage. This woman is beautiful and terrifyingly intelligent, and for whatever reason, she seems to love me quite irreparably. If I have anything to say about it, I ll be holding her hand on the day I take my last breath. So like any man with a goal that I care about, I want to know how to get there to conquer said goal mercilessly. If you re a man who is, like me, crazy about his wife, then by all means, please enjoy these pearls nuggets of wisdom. And to my female readers, please understand this: any man, even the best of men, will tussle a time or two in his life with the inconvenience that I like to call other attractive women. It has nothing at all to do with whether or not he loves his wife, and everything to do with the reality that men are wired differently 4
than women (you know, like idiots). I know this in particular because when I first presented this article to my wife, beaming with pride at being a shoo-in for Husband of the Year See how much I care about you, honey? she didn t exactly see it the way I did. She had to set me straight on just how a woman might perceive these ideas. So again, allow me to clarify: these tools are not important because our wives are difficult to love, or because we have to constantly talk ourselves into staying. They are important because men, at times, are just that weak and foolhardy. They are important because we are all imperfect human beings. So without further preamble, let s get to the nitty gritty. How do we ward off stupidity, maintain integrity, and honor our wives by exerting purposeful effort toward the goal of glorious, highly-underrated fidelity? Here s how 5
1. DECIDE that faithfulness is a goal. First of all, if you don t harbor a deep desire to remain faithful to your wife, that must be addressed immediately, frantically. Treat that like cancer. Like any other endeavor, truly seeing your marriage through to the end is going to take persistence, backed by desire. Both of these elements are crucial. This decision can t be based solely on emotion, because as any adult knows, emotions fluctuate, sometimes wildly If I am simply riding the wave of romantic emotion, then the moment that honeymoon period wanes, or the first time my wife over cooks the meatloaf or nags me about the trash, that emotionbased desire fades, and I m left without important fuel needed to fuel the fire of persistence. Therefore you must establish this goal as a non-negotiable fact, not a feeling. This will preserve your marriage, not just against infidelity, but in general. Look at it this way. If you know that you want to get stronger, you work out, 6
right? If you decide not to work out every time you don t feel like it, you simply don t get stronger. BUT if you decide that the pursuit of your goal is non-negotiable, regardless of how you feel, and you do work out even when you don t feel like it you get consistently stronger So you care about your marriage? Work out, even when you don t feel like it. Here are the workouts 7
2. ACKNOWLEDGE the temptation. I have bad news. Your spouse, as attractive as she may be, is not the only goodlooking woman out there. I remember finally summarizing this to my dad when I was younger, recognizing the struggle ahead. What I wished was this: I wished God had created only one beautiful woman, and of all the billions of men in the world, I could be allowed to marry her, to the chagrin of every other guy, ever. Of course, this simply isn t reality. However, having acknowledged reality, it s been generally much easier to accept the fact that there will always be beautiful women out there, to whom I am not married, and that s okay. It s an annoyance at times, sure, but it s the truth, and it bears addressing. Make your peace with that reality, grieve a little if you need to, and then move on. After all, you ve got a damn good woman. 8
3. DISPEL the myth of what you deserve. I am a musician by trade, and I can t tell you the number of guys I ve travelled with who are unfaithful to their wives or significant others on the road. Many of them are astonishingly blasé about it. I always get this sense around these boys (men are true to their word) that they are convinced that they are somehow exempt from the basic rules of integrity, honesty, monogamy. They feel as though they somehow deserve to indulge their urges. After all, they re on the road and they haven t seen their wives in a while, right? Regardless of the circumstances, you must immediately drop this idea that you have some right to something just because you want it. It doesn t matter if it s been a while, if your marriage is difficult or your wife is annoying or sick, you re halfway around the world, or if you re a self-diagnosed sex addict it doesn t matter. Drop the idea that you re entitled, that you are somehow exempt from the rules. 9
4. SPEAK it into existence. This has been a habit of mine for years, even before I knew it was a useful tool. As a child of a painful divorce, I made a decision early on that I absolutely would not be party to a broken marriage. Ever since then, I ve been quite singleminded about my marriage (even before I was married), and fairly vocal about it as well. One evening, again traveling the country with the ol six-string, I was talking with a close friend about our marriages. I told him that I knew I would never cheat on my wife. He asked me how I could be sure. I said, Are you sure you re not going to rape someone? He was a bit taken back, and said of course he was sure I said, I thought so. I m sure I m not gonna cheat on my wife. There is a reason I say these things out loud, though. There is power in words. When I am saying that out loud to my friend, I am also reminding myself, solidifying that conviction. I am hearing myself say it with authority and confidence and internalizing it. I ve been saying that for years and I can t tell 10
you what an incredible help it has been. So do it. Even if you re unsure of yourself, say it. Even if you don t mean it yet, say it. Say it over and over again, and eventually you ll discover that you do, in fact, mean it heart and soul. I know I do. 11
I have to credit my dad with this one. 5. IMAGINE the consequences. Imagine, as vividly as possible, the scene if you were to betray the trust of your spouse. If I were ever to be unfaithful, I have a clear vision in my mind of what my life would look like. First of all, I will have betrayed my own integrity. I swore in front of her, God, and all of my closest friends and family that I would stay by her side until death. No other promise in our society seems to be so easily dismissed as the marriage vow. Emotionally, I will have deeply probably irrevocably wounded my wife, as well as my two sons. I will have betrayed their needs in favor of my own shortterm pleasure, my own selfishness. I also imagine being cut off from my two brothers-in-law and my wife s family 12
whom I love so much. I imagine the way my little sisters, who have looked up to me, would perceive me with disappointment, questioning the example I have set so far. I imagine being alone, in an apartment of my own, sending half of my income to my wife who now must work full time, as I do, us alternating who picks our sons up from daycare and who has them for the weekend. I imagine my wife trying to decide whether to tell my boys the truth about why she and daddy aren t together any more. Long before I was ever married, I successfully scared the piss out of myself, and I m thankful I did. It s yet another line of defense, and makes it that much easier to walk the line. So paint that picture in your mind. It s a valuable exercise, and quickly and sharply brings things into perspective. Imagine that scene, and then go kiss your wife because she is awesome and she deserves it. 13
6. VISUALIZE faithfulness. Pitchers visualize their pitches before taking the mound. Swimmers close their eyes and visualize their next heat, executing perfectly, moving swiftly, winning. Public speakers, athletes, writers, salesmen and CEO s all use this tool to strengthen themselves, to move toward their goal. Spouses can do the same. Instead of daydreaming about what you wish you could say to the girl across the bar, daydream about what you would say if she came on strong. How would you win? I have imagined, on many an occasion, what I would say to a girl who wanted me to ruin my marriage, to betray my wife and destroy my family so she could have a little fun that she may or may not remember. Suffice it to say, it s a biting and ruthless monologue. I see that scenario as a direct attack on the happiness and livelihood of those I love most. 14
Having visualized that scenario numerous times, there is a much better chance that I will respond under pressure. I don t mind pitching in the World Series when I ve got years of preparation to lean on. 15
So go do it. Go be a man of your word. The Challenge Put in the extra work. We pull all-nighters to get an A. We risk thousands of dollars for financial gain. We run mile after grueling mile and devote countless hours in the gym to becoming lean and mean. Why not strive with similar vigor to achieve a goal of far greater worth? Obviously every marriage is different, and I haven t come close to touching on every aspect of what it takes to go the distance. But it is my whole-hearted belief that energy invested into your marriage will absolutely pay dividends. Hopefully you ll find these tools to be helpful. After all, the more ammunition we can take to the battlefield of monogamy, the better. I adore my wife and will fight for her any way I must. In the meantime, I ll be in the mental gym, doing rep after hard rep to fortify my marriage. 16