Finding and Being a Winning Spouse Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010
Is marriage becoming some of the past? - In 2005, 51 percent of women said they were living without a spouse, up from 35 percent in 1950 and 49 percent in 2000. - In 2005 married couples became a minority of all American households for the first time - Anecdotal evidence So why should we get married? And what are the goals of marriage?
Reason 1: Because God desires that we marry Marry off the singles who are among you...(surah Noor (24):32) The Prophet (s) said that the most beloved building built in Islam is that of marriage Motto of our existence from Ameer al- Mu'mineen (a): ع ب دا ل ك أ ك ىن أ ن ع س ا ب ي ك ف ى إ ل ه ي O Allah! Honor for me is to be Your servant
Reason 2: Because the Ahlul Bayt (a) want us to marry The Prophet (s): Whoever has the means to get married but doesn t marry isn t from me. From Imam al-sadiq (a): The Prophet forbade women from holding back and keeping themselves from marriage.
Reason 3: It is the way we are created Shahwah / شهىة (Lust) or attraction to beauty without regards to halal or haram is a force placed within human soul Lust is a blessing from Allah How to make use of this blessing? Surah Yaseen (36): 36: Immaculate is He who has created in pairs of what the earth grows, and of themselves, and of what they do not know. (According to a interpretation)
Reason 4: Spiritual Perfection A woman comes to Imam al-baqir (a), saying that she has decided to not marry in order to gain perfection. The Imam (a) tells her, Desist from doing so! For if there were any perfection in doing that, Fatima (a) would have declined to marry, and none can surpass her perfection! (Bihar al-anwar, v. 100, p. 219) Hadith from Prophet (s): A muslim man gets no greater benefit after the benefit of Islam than a Muslim wife who pleases him when he looks at her and obeys him when he commands her and protects herself and his wealth when he is absent.
Reason 4: Spiritual Perfection (cont.) A man comes to Imam Sadiq (a) and the Imam asks him if he is married. He says no. The Imam tells him, My father said that, 'I would not choose the world and all that is over it over sleeping one night when not being married. A married sleeping person who prays two rakaats is better than a fasting single person who spends the night in prayer.' From the Prophet (s): A married person who sleeps is better in the view of God than the single person who spends the nights praying and the days fasting.
Reason 5: Self Building Hadith: Marry off your single people because God will better their akhlaq, and increase their rizq and their chivalry. Dealing with problems that arise because of marriage helps one to mature intellectually and emotionally
Reason 6: Protection from Sinning According to hadith, ½ to 2/3 rd of of a young person's faith is protected from the Shaytan with marriage From the Prophet (s): Marry, or else you will be among the sinners. (Bihar al-anwar, v. 100, p. 221)
Reason 7: Companionship Allah (swt) created us with a lack of tranquility and placed that tranquility within our spouse Imam Ali (a) regarding the rights of a wife over her husband: Allah (swt) has made her a means of tranquility, calm, and companionship. According to some leading scholars, this is the most important reason! Misconception: I can find this companionship without getting married!
Reason 8: Forging Family Ties Imam al-rida (a): Even if Allah (swt) and the Prophet (s) hadn't commanded us to marriage, benefits such as the coming together of relatives and the formation of new family bonds would have been sufficient encouragement... (Mizan al-hikmah, v. 2, p. 1178)
Reason 9: Serve God by Serving Others One goal of marriage is to take each other to paradise How Ameer al-mu'mineen (a) and Sayyida Fatima (a) described each other to the Prophet (s) when he approached them after their wedding
Reason 10: Opportunity to Raise Children Prophet (s) takes pride in the children of his ummah Children increase happiness in life After death they can potentially be baaqiyyat saalihaat Widespread move towards not having children erosion of the family system
Reason 11: Increasing God's Provisions Marry off those who are single among you...if they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His grace, and Allah is allbounteous, all-knowing. (al-noor (24), 32) In many ahadith, people who complain about poverty to the Prophet (s) and Imams are ordered to marry From the Prophet (s): Take a spouse as it is a means of increasing your sustenance.
When am I Ready? Important factors to consider: 1. Maturity Can make important decisions using a rational process Independence of thought Can deal with difficulties 2. Financial Readiness
When am I Ready? (cont.) Important factors to consider: 3. Knowledge of what Islam says about marriage and spouse selection and rights of husband and wife 4. Sometimes marriage can be wajib!
Benefits of Marrying when Ready and not Delaying Accumulate the spiritual benefits early God wants believers to enjoy this world better than others Enjoying oneself according to religious guidelines (without going to extremes) can result in spiritual growth Preventing fasad (corruption) Hadith: One who has the means to marry off his child but does not, and a sin occurs, he is partner in that sin.
Common Barriers Preventing Marriage On Time Want to enjoy life and have fun before chaining ourselves down We'll get tired of each other! Young people aren't as mature as they were in the past Children wouldn't mind, but parents do! No money
Responses to Objections Should we put aside the advice of the Ahlul Bayt (a)? naudhu billah! Instead let's understand the place of these ahadith in the entire corpus of their teachings regarding family life
Response to Objections (cont.) Training our children at a younger age to be responsible! A child who is baligh is an adult in the eyes of Allah (swt). When spouses do their responsibilities (for example, keeping up the physical presence and emotional support) love will only grow with time Family level and community level financial support
Recommended Matchmaking Cycle Intention Tawakkul and Tawassul Identify Potential Candidates Investigation Meeting Proposal
Recommended 2 rak'at prayer and du`a Imam al-sadiq (a) to one of his companions: If you wish to marry, recite a two rak'at prayer, and then do hamd of Allah (swt) and then recite the following dua: الل ه م إ و ي أ ر يد أ ن أ ت س و ج ف ق د ر ل ي م ه الى س اء أ ع ف ه ه ف ر جا و أ ح ف ظ ه ه ل ي ف ي و ف س ه ا و ف ي م ال ي و أ و س ع ه ه ر ز قا و أ ع ظ م ه ه ب ر ك ت و ق د ر ل ي و ل دا ط ي با ت ج ع ل ه خ ل فا ص ال حا ف ي ح ي ات ي و ب ع د م م ات ي
Meaning of the Du`a In this du`a, the one seeking a spouse will pray for a chaste and virtuous wife who will protect herself for him, protect his wealth and be a source of rizq and blessing. He also prays for a righteous posterity in this world and the next.
Recommended Matchmaking Cycle Intention Tawakkul and Tawassul Identify Potential Candidates Investigation Meeting Proposal
Identifying Potential Candidates Step #1: Identify your needs, and accordingly which traits the candidate ought to have. Divide these into must-have s and nice-to-have s. Other criteria can be added according to personal taste. All are important not equally weighted (faith is most important)
Reasonable Expectations Looking for 100% match is not feasible. Be picky but not too picky! If a candidate were already at 100%, there wouldn't be room to grow during the marriage!
Objections to this Structured Approach Need to see if we love each other before committing! Many examples of matched marriages breaking, or holding together precariously
Why Marriages Fail or Have Problems? Success is likely but with conditions: Spouses identified using Islamic criteria Spouses meet in Islamic way Spouses lead married life in Islamic way Most problematic marriages can be recovered
The Love Marriage Can work, but is not recommended because: Chastity and reputation can easily be compromised Decisions are made based on emotion Statistics indicate high failure rates Emotional cost of such failed relationships is high May lead to questioning of spouse's fidelity (especially from the husband)
Love Marriage From Imam Ali (a): Love of the People of the Hereafter lasts due to the everlasting nature of its cause. Love of the People of this World will cease to exist due to the transient nature of its cause. Love in marriage is created by Allah (swt):...and He places love and compassion among you... (al-room (30), 21)
Finding and Being a Winning Spouse (part 2) Salim S Yusufali shahr ramadhan 1431 / aug., sep. 2010
Ideal Traits / Traits to Inculcate
Traits of an Ideal Spouse Why did the Ahlul Bayt (a) emphasize certain traits? They must be important and ought to be used to: Characteristics to aim at building / nurturing for those who wish to (eventually) get married Compile a list of must-have and nice-tohave characteristics to be found in spouse candidates Motivation for those who are already married and want to improve and have successful marriages
Recommended Matchmaking Cycle Intention Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Building Identify Potential Candidates Compiling list of must-have and nice-to-have traits Investigation Meeting Proposal
Compiling the List Understand your personality type and your strengths, weaknesses, and future needs from a spouse This process is itself rewarding: The ignorance of a man with respect to his faults is among the biggest of sins. Imam Ali (a) When Allah the Exalted desires good for a servant, He disattaches him from the world, gives him deep insight into the religion, and shows him his faults. Imam al-sadiq (a) Seek to understand advice from the Ahlul Bayt (a) in this regard
Trait #1: Taqwa Taqwa = protection = acting in a way that one is protecting himself from turning away from God and receiving His punishment Taqwa has varying degrees Traditions greatly emphasis this trait Example: One who marries his noble daughter to a sinner receives 1000 curses daily.
Importance of Taqwa in Marriage When home alone and God is not in the picture, many things can go wrong. From Imam Hasan (a): Marry your daughters to a man who has taqwa, for if he loves her he will honor her, and if he dislikes her he will not be unjust to her. If things go sour, divorcing someone with taqwa will be considerably smoother
How to improve one's taqwa Strengthening one's creed...do not marry your daughter to one who doubts, as the wife will adopt the etiquette of her husband and he will impose his faith upon her (Imam al-sadiq (a), al-kafi, v.5 p. 34) Learning about our practical responsibilities and acting upon them (starting with halal and haram)
How to improve one's taqwa Have a small, regular program of mustahabaat Receive spiritual admonishment at least once a week
How to improve taqwa (cont.) Participating in congregational activities Keeping good company From Imam Ali (a): If someone's level of practice isn't clear to you, see whom he keeps company with, religious people or irreligious? Matters relating to Chastity and Modesty to follow
Trait 2: Good akhlaaq Reality of akhlaaq : `ilm (knowledge) + `amal (action) Examples of good character that emanates from a soul illuminated with Divine light: honesty, contentment, compassion, friendliness, pleasantness, patience, dignity, forgiveness, thankfulness, amenability, humility, respectfulness, softness, optimism, ettiquette
Importance of Akhlaaq in Ahadith Story of Imam al-sajjad (a) marrying a woman based on her excellent behavior Do not marry [your daughter] to one who has bad character. (Imam al- Kadhim) The best of your women is she who, when she is angry or angered, she tells her husband... I will not sleep until you are happy with me. (Imam al-sadiq, man la yahdur)
Importance of Good Character in Marriage Particularly important in times of difficulty Crucial to keep marriage successful. Examples: Wife preparing herself for her husband every day Husband making compliments and demonstrating love every day
Means of Improving Akhlaaq Keep company with one who is honest and righteous, can influence positive behavior and whom can be asked to point out faults From Imam Ali: One's enemies can be more useful than his brethren for the enemies gift him with his faults. Observe faults in others and strive to eradicate them from one's self Muraqabah (self-awareness) and Muhasabah (selfaccounting) Particularly emphasized by the Ahlul Bayt Taking a qualified mentor
Trait #3: Compatibility From the Prophet (s): Marry those who are compatible matches (al-akfaa'). Most important aspect of compatibility Similar level of faith (Islam + shi`a) and character. Believers are the compatible matches of other believers. Marry a suitor whose practice of religion and trustworthiness please you, whoever he may be.
Other factor that will make marriage go smoother Similar background Similar income bracket Similar societal status Intellectual compatibility Family compatibility Ideal age gap: 3-7 years (Gulbarg, Dehnavi p. 37) Couple (and in some cases their families) will need flexible personalities and sophistication if these are not in place.
Trait #4: Good Family Meaning a family known for its religiousness, etiquette, noble character The Prophet (s): Avoid the beautiful woman who grows up in a corrupt environment. The Prophet (s): The best of your women is she...who is respected in her family. Coming from a good family is good but not a hard and fast rule Good families can be created
Trait #5: Chastity From the du`a: O Allah grant me the most chaste among them. Encompasses: Hijab Limited mixing of genders Modest interaction, language, and body language Keeping appropriate company
More about Chastity Should be in place before and after marriage Couples will try harder to satisfy each other's physical and emotional needs Husband will take more pleasure out of his wife stronger love more care and reciprocal love Need to re-evaluate ties and behavior with non-mahrams Different than being suspicious! We need to suspect ourselves more than other party. Not being friends is different than being unfriendly
Traits #6 and #7: Responsibility & Good Planning Skills Hadith: The best of men is he who takes care of his wife so that she doesn't have to rely on others. Women tend to find these traits a source of attractiveness in men How can these traits be measured? Taking care of parents / siblings Is he hard-working? How does he manage his money? Does he make impetuous decisions that he later regrets?
Trait #8: Good Looks Physical attractiveness is particularly important for man to see in woman and should not be ignored Also shouldn't be the only criterion From a hadith: A wife should be religious (جمالء) and beautiful (ذات الدين) True beauty is on the inside and outside. Eventually inner beauty (taqwa, akhlaaq, ilm) outshines outer beauty
Practical Tips Regarding Good Looks Extreme beauty can lead to arrogance Can be addressed in upbringing and self-bulding Being attractive is working with what you have Regular exercise routine (without going to the extremes) and observing Islamic dietary guidelines is necessary for personal and marriage development
More Practical Tips Good character, faith, optimism, speaking well, smiling appropriately, humility, grooming and hygiene all lend to outer beauty Community emphasis on championship sports Husbands should buy their wives those things they need in order to make themselves beautiful at home
Recommended Matchmaking Cycle Intention Tawakkul, Tawassul, and Self-Building Identify Potential Candidates Compiling list of must-have and nice-tohave traits Using list to find potential spouse matches Investigation Meeting(s) Investigation Proposal
Identifying Potential Candidates The boy / girl seeking to get married may rely on a champion or a few champions who are trusted individuals (perhaps in the form of community matchmakers) Parents' buy-in is very important The champion's job is to find potential candidates based on the criteria and detailed information about the boy / girl Start looking locally and then branch out if necessary Don't feel shy about using matchmakers
Recommended Matchmaking Cycle Intention Tawakkul and Tawassul Identify Potential Candidates Investigation Meetings Investigation Proposal
Importance of Investigating the From the Prophet (s): Traits of a Candidate Marriage is like slavery. So if one of you marries off his daughter, he has given her to slavery. So look carefully at whom you marry your noble daughter to. From Imam al-sadiq (a): Women are a necklace so look carefully to ensure you get the right one. According to one expert, marriage is the most important event in your life. (Dehnavi, p. 31)
Investigation Applies to both males and females Talk to those who know the candidate indepth Revealing negative information in this situation is not backbiting! What about that part we can't find out? Have to do our duty. From Imam al-sadiq (a): Whoever acts upon what he knows, Allah (swt) shall take care of him with respect to what he does not know Investigation will take place even after meetings are completed to clear up any issues that arose
Common Reasons for Not Investigating Properly Putting full trust in one person who knows both parties I know his father and his father's father... Not knowing whom to talk to Misinterpreting the hadith: If a suitor comes to you whose character and religion please you then marry [your daughter] to him or else there will be turmoil on the earth and great corruption. False sense of tawakkul False understanding of istikharah
What to Investigate Family Friends Leadership Qualities How Well Promises are Kept Level of Honesty
Recommended Matchmaking Cycle Intention Tawakkul and Tawassul Identify Potential Candidates Investigation Meeting Proposal
Meeting Potential Candidates Looking at picture Rules Can be alone in a room together as long as Others can easily enter in upon conversation No fear of falling into sin Looking (for a man) Without intention of lust (though lust will naturally follow) In order to determine her physical appearance (if you already know, can t look) No barrier preventing marriage (for example she shouldn t already be married) Possibility of proposal being accepted
Meeting Potential Candidates What to discuss Try to send questions from beforehand Write down quotes for later observation How many times can we meet before deciding? How close can you get without being married? The fun in marriage is getting to know each other!
What to Discuss Casual Conversation Beliefs Practice (for example, taqlid) Socializing Life histories Expectations of Future Living alone or with family Raising children Education / work plans
How to decide Using your intellect Seeking advice from wise people Taking istikhara Tawakkul and Tawassul Do we need to like each other before saying yes? How sure do I need to be?
From Culture Need to wait for older siblings to get married Education is more important than getting married Sayyids can only marry sayyids Mut ah is scandalous Can t interact with fiancee after nikah is recited before rukhsatee I liked him/her, but the istikhara came out badly Culture of expensive weddings But not all culture is bad