Peace in Times of Conflict September 18, 2016 Micah Barnum micahb@christchapelbc.org At your tables: At your tables introduce yourself and share a little about your family. Conflict offers parents a special opportunity to help their children face their selfish desires and practice the basic principles of peacemaking. Why are we here today? Because we love peace. Because our kids aren t very good at it at it. I. We must first deal with the real issue the heart. a. Do these symptoms sound familiar? i. The one too few problem. ii. The I had it first problem. iii. The Rolling Eyes syndrome. iv. The Bruce Banner anger management program. b. The real issue is that our hearts are not satisfied. 1
4 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. James 4:1-3 i. The same story told over and over 1. I need. 2. Therefore, you should. 3. You failed and now I am angry. 4. I am going to punish you for your failure. ii. We want our way so badly that we refuse to entrust that to anyone else even God. iii. Until we are settled in Christ, we will wage war with anyone who gets in the way of what we want. II. Use conflict as an opportunity to work on your child s heart (Chapter 8, Peacemaking for Families). a. Settling conflict is more than just reestablishing peace, it s a chance for you to talk about God s work in your child s heart. i. Conflict is an x-ray into your child s heart. ii. Redemptive correction is one that uses the opportunities of conflict to help our kids see the areas they love more than God. b. Help your kids by giving peacemaking instruction. i. Cultivate a heart of honor. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Romans 12:10 2
ii. Make every opportunity to demonstrate peacemaking. a) By handling your own conflict with grace. b) By modeling sincere apologies. c. Practice, practice, practice. III. How to foster peace (Chapter 9, Peacemaking for Families). a. Glorify God, not sinful behaviors. i. If you focus on your child s behavior, you will more likely be controlled by bitterness, resentment, or anger. ii. The more you focus on God s love and promises, the more likely you are able to be led to repent, confess, forgive and change. iii. In the heat of the moment, reflect on the fact that you are redeemed and forgiven, and remember that God s covenant is not only for you but for your child as well. b. Get the log out of your own eye. i. When your children push you over the edge, do you respond with the same sort of peacemaking you expect from your kids? ii. Do you need to apologize to your kids about your anger? c. Offer correction that is presented in light of the gospel. i. Present the law. ii. Talk about our inability to keep the law. iii. Talk about forgiveness in Jesus. d. Always work toward reconciliation. 3
HOMEWORK 1. What are the most frequent causes of conflict in your home? 2. How do you feel you have been handling these issues? 3. What heart issues are present in these conflicts? 4. How are you and your spouse modeling conflict to your children (either in your treatment of each other or your treatment of them)? 5. List three prayer requests for your family and ask God to soften everyone s hearts. 4
RESOURCES Anger: Taming a Powerful Emotion, Gary Chapman. Good and Angry: Redeeming Anger, Irritation, Complaining, and Bitterness, David Powlison. Good and Angry: Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller. Peacemaker, Ken Sandee. Peacemaking for Families, Ken Sandee. Seven Principles for Angry Parents Disciplining Angry Children, Kevin DeYoung. Found on the Gospel Coalition s website. 5
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION These are selected summary points from Ken Sandee s Peacemaking for Families. Seven A s of Confession. 1. Address everyone involved. 2. Avoid if, but, maybe. 3. Admit specifically the fault. 4. Apologize. 5. Accept the consequences. 6. Alter your behavior. 7. Ask forgiveness and allow time. Steps to healthy confrontation 1. Build up, don t tear down. 2. Be quick to listen. 3. Waiting until the time is right. 4. Attending to what they are saying. 5. Clarifying what they are saying. 6. Reflecting on what they have said. 7. Agreeing on areas where they are right. Four Promises of Forgiveness 1. I will not think about this incident. 2. I will not bring this incident up again to use it against you. 3. I will not talk to others about this incident. 4. I will not allow this incident to stand between us. 6
Overcoming Unforgiveness 1. Confirm repentance. 2. Renounce sinful attitudes and expectations. 3. Remember God s forgiveness. 4. Practice the replacement principle. 7
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