Why People Struggle Some are not doing so well sometimes; Some are well to do all of the time, but inside, not always so well at all. Some wish and crave for love--for children Some are trying to keep childbirth under thumb, trying not to jump the gun as they remember their thoughts of some. Is it really the outer world that we struggle with? Or the inner inhibitions we wrestle with?
Why do we always reach For what we (right now) can t seem to grasp yet we know Later It will be? Are we crazy or just greedy? Is our timing afore our gazing? Whose idea is it that I m reaching for, Stretching for, aching for? Whom really, what one, are we living for? Is it really just one, or is it for many To prove, to show Or devote The rest The best To God alone? Or is it really to our own minds That we really find the most devotion to: the fear of losing out or shame Or just not being part of the game?
THAT S THE REAL STRUGGLE That s the reason for the tussle The hustle and bustle To prove to those who thought, think, and forebode that we are weak, that We have muscle. Written by LaJune Banks
Unfinished Novel Untitled by Kourtney Elam Prologue Present I never understood the true meaning of love at first sight. That was, until I met him. He
walked into my second period math class wearing the most beautiful smile I had ever seen on a guy. The instant sparks that ignited between us were phenomenal; it was definitely love at first sight. I'm not talking about that fake shit you see in the movies this was real. The air caught in my throat proved that. I looked around at the other occupants of the room, wondering if anyone had noticed my sudden gasp. My eyes landed back on him, and he caught my glance. I couldn't breathe. This guy had literally taken my breath away. Breathe, LaToya, breathe, I whispered in my mind. I closed my eyes, and finally my lungs contracted, releasing the air. I took two deep breaths before opening my eyes again. He was still standing there... watching me. Our eyes met once again, this time bonding like glue. I felt as if I were in a dreamlike state of mind. "LaToya," he mouthed. I opened my mouth to speak, but nothing came out. "La-Toy-a," I heard again. I tried to speak again, this time opening my mouth farther. But, still, no words escaped. "LaToya. Girl! What the hell is wrong with you?" I felt a thump on my head. "Huh?" I turned to my right, only to see my best friend, Maria, staring at me with the most perplexed look she could manage. I was only daydreaming, but I could have sworn that his lips had moved.
I am really tripping, I thought. "You're drooling," she said, pointing towards my desk. I looked down at the wet puddle forming on my desk. "Ew," I said, wiping my mouth and chin. "Excuse me, students!" Mrs. Chaplan cleared her throat. She was a small woman with an even smaller voice: the type of voice that you hear but don't bother to acknowledge. Not today, though. She had my full attention. "Class, this here is " She turned to the guy, who I assumed was a new student. He had to be new. There was no way I had seen him here before; I would have remembered those eyes, those lips, those... "What's your name, young man?" she asked him. "My name " He looked in my direction and said, "My name is Christopher." Without thinking, I smiled the goofiest smile my lips could form. "Christopher. That's nice. Do you have a last name, sir?" the teacher inquired. He didn't respond; he just simply stared in my direction, smiling, while I screamed on the inside. "Um, LaToya?" my friend whispered. "Are you forgetting something?" "What are you talking about?" "I'm talking about how you're eye-fucking this dude you just met. What about Alex?" "Alex..." I whispered as my eyes instantly fell to my desk. How could I forget
him; he had been my boyfriend for the past two years. We had experienced so much since the start of our relationship. And even though it wasn't perfect, I had decided to make it work no matter what. I still remember every detail about the night he took my virginity just one year ago... Chapter One Past We rode in silence down Lake Shore Drive. Downtown Chicago was so beautiful at night, and the scenery outside was breath-taking, especially in the summer. Alex had just received his driver's license the day before, along with a brand-new black Chevy Impala. He couldn't wait to get it hooked up to his liking. "I'm taking the car in tomorrow to get some tints on it," he informed me, breaking the silence. "And I'm getting the rims put on next week. I don't know what size I'ma get yet, though. I can't wait to hook my shit up. Hoes gon' be sweatin' me..." I just glared at the side of his face as he rambled on and on about his car. He sure knew how to fuck up a good mood by running his mouth too much. I just tuned him out and turned to look out of the passenger-side window, letting my thoughts run in many directions. What did he mean by, "Hoes gon' be sweatin' me"? "Alex." "Yeah." "Do you love me?"
He glanced over at me and then back to the road while I waited patiently for a response. He then looked at me again and said, "Baby, you know I love you." Did he? I wasn't sure. "You love me?" he asked with his eyes fixed on the road. I wasn't sure of what love was. I had strong feelings for him, I cared deeply about him, and I couldn't see him being with anyone else but me. If that's love well, then, yeah, I loved him. "Yeah...," I responded, but I wasn't sure about my feelings. I was overflowing with doubts. "Well, then say it," he requested. I looked over at him with an expression of confusion. "I love you, Alex." He just smiled to himself and kept on driving, without even looking my way. If he had taken one glance at me, he would have seen my hesitation. I love you, Alex. I repeated those words in my head until we had reached our destination. Alex turned onto a dark road that led to an empty parking lot. "Where are we?" "Shhhh. Just come on," he said as he turned the ignition off and stepped out of the car. I sat in the car waiting for him to come around to the passenger side and open the door for me. He began walking away and then stopped to turn around.
I thought he had forgotten about me for a second. I exhaled a sigh of relief to myself. "Get out the car, Toya, damn," he yelled back to the car. He used to open doors for me. What ever happened to that? I thought to myself as I opened the passenger door and stepped out. I sluggishly walked over to him while he stood there with a look of impatience on his face. "What were you doing?" he asked me as he led me down a long gravel path. "Waiting." I stared out into the darkness. "Waiting for what?' I sighed, "Nothing." Nothing at all, I thought. The path led to a small wooden fence that wasn't any more than three feet high. We walked through an opening, and I saw many rows of trees. "What are we doing? Camping out or something?" I joked. He didn't respond, so I decided to just keep my mouth closed. I noticed that the trees were getting further apart as we walked, and the gravel had now turned to sand. I frowned at the clumps of sand that had formed in between my toes and on my new sandals. Alex noticed and started smirking damn near cheesing at my frustration. "What the fuck is so funny?" I asked with an attitude. I wasn't in the joking mood, anymore. "You are," he said before kissing me on the forehead, something he did often
because of our height-difference. He was a whole head taller than I. "Do I look like a comedian or something? because I'm not here for amusement." I was getting more agitated with each passing moment. He simply kept that goofy-looking smile on his face and kneeled down in front of me with his back facing me. I removed my sandals and hopped onto his back. I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed my eyes, nestling my face between my arm and his neck. He carried me a short distance before stopping. I opened my eyes and noticed an assortment of large rocks bordering a lake. The bright stars glistened across the lake, making it a sight to see. I smiled to myself and kissed his neck and then his cheek. "It's beautiful!" I exclaimed, jumping down from his back. "Just like you," he said rubbing a thumb across my cheek. "I love you, Babe," I said, looking into his eyes. "Come on. Let's sit over here." He pointed to two over-sized rocks. I followed him to the edge of the lake and sat on the smaller rock of the two. Dangling my feet into the water, I rinsed away the sand and dirt. We sat in silence for five whole minutes, each of us lost in our own thoughts. "You know I come here often to collect my thoughts," Alex interrupted. "What do you think about?" I asked. "You," he smiled and then continued. "I think about you, me... us. I know I'm not the best man I can be to you because you deserve so much. You're not like these
other loud-mouthed hoes around here. You're different, and I like that about you. No. I love that about you..." "I love you too, Baby." "Let me finish," he said calmly. "I haven't been the best boyfriend to you, and I realize that things have changed between us. Meaning, I don't do all the things I used to do for you. That's why I brought you here, you know? I wanted you to see a side of me that no one else sees. I'm not perfect. I've done some things I'm not proud of; some things that might make you cry. I feel like I need to tell you these things in order for us to move ahead with this relationship." A sense of worry came over me. "What do you need to tell me, Alex?" I asked even though I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what he had to say. "I fucked up." He put his head in his hands and silently repeated, "I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up." Okay. Now I was really worried. "What did you do? Just tell me." Silence; the silence was killing me. "I cheated on you," he said, barely above a whisper. I felt the tears drowning my eyes. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe him. The tears overflowed as I cried. How could he do this to me? I silently asked myself.
"Who is it?" was the only question I asked. "You mean 'Who was it?' I don't mess with her anymore, Toya, I swear." "Who was it, then?" I pressed. "You don't know her," he stated. "Who the fuck was it?!" I demanded. "This chick I met at the Ford City Mall." "What's her name, Alex?" "Listen, Toya, all that shit's not important because she's not important. All I care about is you. Fuck that ho. I want to be with you and no one else, Baby. I confessed this to you because I thought you would understand." He grabbed my shoulders and forced me to face him. "What am I supposed to understand? I understand that I'm not enough for you. You told me you would wait for me because my virginity was sacred. Alex, how could you?!" I asked as another set of tears escaped my eyes. It felt as if my spirit was broken and my heart was violated. He pulled me into a hug. "I know, Baby, I'm sorry. I fucked up. I know this, but I need you to forgive me. Please tell me you'll forgive me, he begged.
To: You What s up? I know we haven t spoken on this level in a while but I was thinking of you and it kind of made me frown. Frown at the fact of what we have become. So many things to say I wanted to put them in a letter. I hope this may be easier maybe the words may come out better. How s your brother? How s the baby? Is your favorite color still blue? So many questions I have to know the answers to. I wish I could start all over with you and begin every line to the days when you were mine. I ve tried so hard to get you off my mind but it doesn t get any better as each day goes by and I m lost and puzzled I ve got nothing to lose. Hope to hear from you soon. (I never got over you). Wow, I really didn t mean to hold you long but there are a lot of feelings that remain since you have been gone. I thought I would have put them all behind me but it seems that there is always something to remind me of you, like a funny joke or something on the TV. Not being over you isn t easy. Even when I hear your name I get an exciting feeling. Did you know I kept all of your pictures? I didn t have the strength to put them away. Seeing you all the time makes me regret leaving you behind. I wish every day that I was the woman in your life. I was afraid so messed up a great thing. I let go of you. I brushed you off as if you meant nothing to me. I realize that now and wish we could just make things go back to the way things were. You remember when we were closer than close. At one point we were inseparable. I wish I could just start all over with you and make things better. I know it s my fault why we aren t together. I drove you into the arms of another female. At the time I was still trying to find myself. I needed to find out who I was and if being in a relationship was the best thing for me right then. So now I m sure of myself. I know what I want. Better yet, I know whom I want. I want you. I want you to be a part of my life again. I want us to be happy together again. You deserve me, not her. She doesn t know what she has, just like I didn t know but now I do. Please don t tell me it s too late please tell me I still have a chance. A chance to share your company, a chance to have you near, and a chance to just share a laugh to share a cry. Just tell me there is still a chance for us. I know deep down within that big heart of yours that there is still a big place for me. Think about it. Love Always, Me Ps. I m still not over you
To: Me I know it s been a long time. I think of you daily also, even when I m with my girl. We shared so many good times that it s hard to get them out of my mind. I was always told good things must come to an end at some point and we reached our point. What we had was great. I enjoyed every moment of it. I waited a long time just to hear that you still had feelings for me. At one point I was ready to drop everything for you. Now I ve moved on and I m sorry to say those feelings are long gone. I m happy with someone else. Of course she isn t as great as you are but she ll do. We are happy together. We enjoy each other s company and have a great time together. Well, not as much fun as we had but its ok. I have really moved on. Ok ok enough of the lying; the truth is I still have feelings for you but not as much. I still care about you dearly and I wouldn t mind being one with you again, but I can t deal with you. I have feelings and I can t just allow you to treat me as if I m a game and you can just turn me off or on when you want. It was hard losing you for something I had no control over. To tell you the truth I didn t know why you pushed me away. But I can t let you put me through it again. So maybe things would be best if we just went back to the way things were. You know, when we didn t talk, call, or write. Let s just keep it at no contact none whatsoever. That s the best thing for me right now because I still have mixed feelings for you and I don t want to hurt my girl or I don t want you to hurt me again. So let s just make this the last time we have any contact with each other. I refuse to allow you to hurt me again. I could have been the one to help you out. I could have helped you find yourself. I have always told you that my shoulder would always be there for you to lean on. But you pushed me away so I couldn t help. I need someone who I can be secure with. I want someone I know who isn t just going to want me in their life only when they want me there. So I still love you but not in the same way as before. My love for you now is like a long lost friend who I no longer care to see or hear from. So I guess this will be our last time hearing from one another so take care and I wish you the best. Love Always, Me PS. You should move on. Written by Jackie Carter
A Friend s Point of View This is a poem from a friend s point of view. She hurt because of you. Where were you when she cried the night through? The person she thought to be so true, Her friend and lover, her so-called boo! Yet it would all come back on you. It was I who wiped the tears from her eyes, Who prayed with her when she felt chastised. You told her you loved her as you looked into her eyes and lied. At 12 a.m. I was there to answer her calls, To pick her up after you d smacked her down and she falls. You snake! You demon! You should have been arrested for treason Left her at the drop of a dime without any reason; Told her, I m the one whose needs you should be pleasing. Now her pain has turned into blue skies Because God has wiped her eyes. And now she s happy, no thanks to you. And this is a poem from a friend s point of view. Written by Ravyn Johnson