Difficult CONVERSATIONS OUTLINE February 2012 A. Introduction (10 Minutes) 1. We all want to be liked and understood and to never have an uncomfortable moment. The very things we fear will go badly if we have a difficult conversation will go badly if we don t. (Fear of rejections, retaliation, the unknown bad thing so don t be afraid but do get educated. 2. In any emotionally charged conversation there are multiple truths and none is mutually exclusive once we get that we can move to solving problems not arguing the minutiae. Be prepared to get the best answer not to win. 3. Sometimes we are ready for these - sometimes we are caught off guard but remember if someone else feels a conversation is necessary than it is. 4. Self awareness is the key to all of this you are the only variable you can control regardless s of what we wish.... Researchers have found that when we think we are failing or in the wrong it is due to outside influences beyond our control (the boss, policy, weather, fate, etc.) And that when others are failing us or falling short we perceive it to be because they have personality or character flaws (they don t try, they don t care, etc.) 5. Starting at that very different view point you can see why we have to unlearn what we think we know before we can learn the new. This is creative problem solving at its best. Twyla Tharp said The best creativity is a result of good work habits. Mozart deformed his fingers by age 28 from hours of focused practice. But there are lots of ways to start down a road of more confident and direct communication watch the masters. Pick up someone you admire and watch closely Kobe Bryant has said that he loved watching tapes of basketball s greatest players and would then try to emulate their signature moves. 6. One of the most common things that will be turning through your mind during this session is sounds great BUT not at my work, home, my child, etc. please dismiss that though TRUE LEADERS can accurately describe reality without laying blame and can be instrumental in positive movement in any relationship.
The Seven Principals of Fierce Conversations From the book Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott. 1. Master the courage to interrogate reality. 2. Come out from behind yourself, into the conversation and make it a real. 3. Be present, prepared to be nowhere else. 4. Tackle your toughest challenge today. 5. Obey your instincts. 6. Take responsibility for your emotional wake. 7. Let silence do the heavy lifting. 3 Components Opposing Opinions Strong Emotions High Stakes Three Things to Ask Yourself What do I want for myself What do I want for the others What do I want for the relationship
B. You and the Customer (9 Minutes) 1. Is your structure customer friendly? a. Signage b. Verbiage (inc. bad praise negative rules, demands, slang kids vs. children etc.) c. Policies d. Standards (greetings (smile before pick up phone voicemail, email, event check in) e. Consistency (training, review of problems, how change happens) 3. When It Goes Bad Anyway Apply the 7 Principles and the ABC S a. Be Genuinely Thankful b. Be calm and centered you are discussing a situation it s not personal c. Listen Apologize to whatever you can d. Show understanding e. Simply and clearly explain lists I wish I could do X but I can do Y f. Offer a sincere close with action g. Focus on YOU If you don t control yourself You must stay focused Check yourself for intent (winning or punish) Avoid Either/Or Showdowns Practice mutual respect Find Commonality h. ABC s of Building a Consensus Agree when you can Build when others leave out key info Compare when you differ 4. Help! I am trapped in a bad situation a. Keep it to yourself don t blame b. Find the loopholes c. Apologize even more without pointing fingers d. Offer as many options as you can and work the system to expand those
C. You in the Workplace (24 Minutes) 1. During the intro we talked about the risks we perceive at having the difficult conversation and how they are the same as if we don t have it. Remember when speaking up at work the right of good answers are in the room with you and your co-workers. The goal is to have an open, rational, truth based exchange of ideas without fear of abuse, harassment or retribution. Leaders find a way to say what can t or hasn t been said. Be prepared to get the best answer not to win. Examples of how to steer the conversation: What do you think? It would help put my mind at ease Would you mind if I check 2. Regardless of your position you can be the leader in this area. Leaders motivate, they take the time to know their people, they praise in public and correct in private and work along side their folks they do the crud jobs. Managers care and know more about tasks, they delegate the crud jobs, they criticize not coach and they report. No one was every micro-led but many of us have been micromanaged. Remember that when we communicate badly people will rarely forgive us. When we communicate effectively and acknowledge feelings we will rarely be forgotten. Don t be afraid to be a leader in communication don t use your position as an excuse. 3. If there is no opposition then the discussion has not been through enough If there is no outward opposition - Be curious explore other paths, be sincere and patient. What if I am wrong? What am I missing? Does anyone see it differently?
4. Building Consensus ABC s of Building a Consensus Agree when you can Build when others leave out key info Compare when you differ 5. Avoid the Fools Choice 1. Speak up and oppose the power in the room making an enemy for life 2. Stay silent and let a flawed plan hurt our organization Or speak indirectly with jokes, sarcasm, blame the group for an individual - There is a third choice true dialogue - that starts with truth, is presented in context of meaning, with respect, clarify what you really want and what you really don t want search for an and solution Create a Mutual Purpose Commit to seek a mutual purpose Recognize the propose behind the strategy Invent a mutual purpose Brainstorm new strategies 6.. Use Contrasting when an apology is not appropriate Contrast provides context and proportion If an employee is really shook up discussing tardies our tendency is to say It s not a big deal which negates the message. is to contrast - your work quality is great, I hope we will have you on staff for a long time. I know you will correct the tardy issue because it is a key part of our culture and it reflects on our entire team. Let me know if you need some suggestions several of our folks have conquered this problem. 3. Refer to 7 principles work in almost all instances a. Master the courage to interrogate reality. What is your motivation? To be right or to solve the problem? Where are your weaknesses in logic we all mask. Conversations don t change people if that s your goal don t bother. Be direct, only have the conversation with the person everything else is gossip. We often enter these hot button conversations seeking to be understood try first to seek to understand.
At CTPR, in my home No one has to change but everyone has to have the conversation - David Whyte It s your duty to listen and my responsibility to initiate what happens next is up to the people involved. b. 2, 3 and 4 - Come out from behind yourself, into the conversation and make it a real. - Be present, prepared to be nowhere else as if it is the most important conversation ever and it will be. Don t cancel or re-schedule, don t allow interruptions. - Tackle your toughest challenge today burnout happens when you spend your days tackling the same problem over and over. c. Obey your instincts Approach each conversation assuming good intent and state that as specifically as you can. Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. - Helen Keller But if someone shows you who he is believe him. d. Take responsibility for your emotional wake Every conversation is your relationship be clear and compassionate Example with summer staff.....sarcasm, etc. Include what comes next as the educated communicator make sure there is a what now with a timeline and a chance for another exchange. e. Let silence do the heavy lifting don t fill every minute, don t answer for someone who is slow to respond listen intently and gather your thoughts after they have finished talking let there be silence and use it well. Let insight happen. f. Apologize using the skills we discussed earlier or use Contrasting when an apology is not appropriate. Contrast provides context and proportion If an employee is really shook up discussing tardies our tendency is to say It s not a big deal which negates the message. is to contrast - your work quality is great, I hope we will have you on staff for a long culture and it reflects on our entire team. Let me know if you need some suggestions several of our folks have conquered this problem.
4. Strategies when you initiate the Conversation a. 60 Second Guise for 1 on 1 from Fierce Conversations Name the Issue Select A Specific Example Describe Your Emotions Clarify What is at stake Identify your contribution to the problem Indicate your wish to resolve the issue Invite a response Think about the crucible from chemistry Explosive and violent change happens in a safe contained place you create the crucible. b. How Not to deliver Deliver the message without the Load by avoiding these items From Crucial Conversations 1. Exaggerate - You always.... 2. Threaten I don t want to pull rank but... 3. Blame It is your fault that... 4. Sarcasm 5. Mountains from Mole Hills 6. Kitchen Sinking c. Mineral Rights = Meaningful 1 on! Conversations about work Have a point and finish it better to drill 1 100 foot hole when looking for water than 1 1 ft. holes. Stick to the point see examples of mineral rights questions. Mineral Rights Examples What is currently impossible that if it could become possible would change everything? What are the most important decisions you are facing? What part of work are you most satisfied with? :east? What do you wish you had more time to do? What conversation are you avoiding right now? Or what are you hoping not to talk about today?
d. If it goes bad 1. no one has to change but everyone has to have 2. if someone shows who they are believe them 3. have a clear and encouraging next step enforce it 4. be self aware what role did you have in the failure of this conversation and how can you fix it 5. Sometimes NO is the right answer to the problem But and And to clarify a NO I know you want more time to prepare and the deadline is looming. I d like to help BUT I have no easy choice. You will need to finish this on your own. 5. When You Need to Apologize a. Toughest part is realizing you were wrong and then admitting it b. Remember apologizing shows respect it s what we want give it to others c. Apologies begin with truth and end with integrity d. don t wait - the longer you wait the more your weakness is perceived as wickedness e. Apologize sincerely not for the outcome but because you were wrong and it s the right things to do f. Humble people don t think LESS of themselves they just think of themselves LESS. g. A marriage counselor study showed that it took 5 positive acts to correct 1 instance of bad behavior. 6. When you are asked In for a difficult conversation 1. Be the crucible 2. Ask for clarification and presence 3. Use silence to gain insight (not defense) 4. Apologize where you should 5. Offer your penance or a constructive corrective plan offer up a concrete solution without being told to QUESTIONS READING LISTS
RESOURCES Always remember that difficult conversation have to begin and end with heart for them to have any chance of being successful. Here are some books that will help you on your journey of the heart: Crucial Conversations Patterson, Grenny, Mc Millan and Switzler
ISBN 978-0-07-177132-0 McGraw-Hill c. 2012 (second edition) Dealing with People You Can t Stand Brinkman and Kirschner ISBN 0-07-137944-4 McGraw-Hill c. 2002 Fierce Conversations Scott ISBN 978-0-425-19337-2 Berkley Publishing c. 2002 The One Minute Apology Blanchard and Mc Bride ISBN 0-688-16981-3 HarperCollins c. 2003 The Power of Civility ISBN 978-0-9829419-6-6 Thrive Publishing c. 2011