How to Deal with Difficult People Scott Scruggs

Menlo Church 950 Santa Cruz Avenue, Menlo Park, CA 94025 650-323-8600 Series: This Is Us May 28, 2017 Matthew 15:21-28 How to Deal with Difficult People Scott Scruggs Welcome to Menlo Church. It is so good to see you with us. Welcome to those of you who are joining us at one of our campuses or online. It's great to be together this weekend on Memorial Day weekend, and it's especially fun for me to be here because I haven't been with you for a little bit of time, for a little while. I took a little time off work because we met this little gal in our family. Yeah. This is Nora Joy Scruggs. She was born on March 31. She is cute like her mom and needy like her dad. We have just been so blessed to welcome her. She was 10 pounds and 2 ounces, which is almost as much as I weigh. She is a big kid, and she is just growing like a weed. It's amazing. She is already 58 days old, which means I haven't slept in 58 days. It is just so good. We are so grateful for her. Both Nora and her mom are doing really, really well. I just want to say thank you just to this church family. I mean, the outreach we got, so many people who sent us a note or dropped off a meal or just said, "We love you. We're thinking of you. We're praying for you." It's just been such a blessing to be part of such an amazing church family, although I will say none of you signed up for the 3:00 a.m. shift when there is much weeping and gnashing of teeth. I want to be clear. I mean, we love our little girl. You know, just as you parents will know (just to vent a little bit), babies are not always so easy. Do you know this? I mean, they can be demanding, and they only think about their own needs. They have no respect for boundaries. They could be happy one minute and then crying the next. Sometimes she'll start crying, and I'll look over at Nina even though it's my turn, and I'll say, "I will do the chores for the next 30 years if you take care of this." But it's my turn anyway. They don't say, "Thank you." They don't acknowledge how hard you're working. They can just take and take and take and take. That kind of got me thinking. Isn't it great that we adults have grown out of that kind of behavior? Isn't it great we're not selfish, indulgent, or needy? Isn't it great we always say, "Thank you" or, "I love you"? That we're never demanding or difficult? Or maybe maybe not so much. We've been in this series called This Is Us looking at the relationships in our lives and how God works through relationships in our lives. I thought we could conclude this conversation by looking at not what's easy about love but what's difficult about it, by looking at people in our lives who may not be the easiest to love but who are somewhat hard to love. If we're honest, all of us have someone in our lives, someone we know, someone close to us maybe who is challenging for us to love. Maybe there is someone in your life who is always negative or super critical. - 1 -

Maybe there's someone in your life who is just very ego-driven. They're self-absorbed. It seems like the whole world revolves around them. Maybe you know someone who doesn't listen well. They don't empathize. They're not very compassionate. Maybe you know someone who is very pushy with their ideas, values, beliefs, or political opinions. Maybe there's someone in your life who is just kind of hurtful, who has hurt you numerous times and maybe taken advantage of you. Maybe there's someone in your life who is just one of those victim people always blaming others, always feeling the victim. Maybe you have someone in your life who just gets under your skin, and you don't even know why. Just a moment of mass confession, if there's ever been someone in your life who is hard to love, just raise your hand for a moment. Just raise your hand. See? Almost all of us have someone in our lives who is difficult to love. If you didn't raise your hand, maybe that person is you. I don't know. Here is the thing. Following Jesus would be so much easier if it weren't for other people. I mean, think about it. Following Jesus would be so much easier if it weren't for other people. I mean, I know my life. I mean, I could be far more generous. I know I'd be far more sacrificial with my time. That wouldn't be so hard to do. It would be so much easier to forgive just with people I like or respect, but how do I deal with people who cut me off in traffic, behave badly, hurt my feelings, or just get under my skin in some way? Well, in our world, the basic message is, "You don't have to deal with them. Don't let them bother you. In fact, you don't have to love them. You don't even have to like them. I mean, okay. It's important to be nice, polite, or put on a nice smile around them. But when they're not in the room, I mean, you can let them have it." That's just sort of the relational rule of thumb in our day. "Just don't let them take advantage of you." Jesus had a quite different relational rule of thumb when it came to difficult people. Listen to what Jesus once said. He said, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'" That's very much true in our day. "Love the people you love, and if there are people you don't like, just don't let them under your skin. Don't bother with them." "But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, so that you may be children of your Father in heaven; for he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the righteous and on the unrighteous." In other words, God isn't discriminating between people who are easy to love and people who are hard to love. "For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? And if you greet only your brothers and sisters, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same?" Then he closes by saying, "Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Now notice Jesus does not seem that interested in how well you love your loved ones, people who are easy to love, people who love you, who respect you, who look like you, who think like you. Jesus seems to not be so concerned with that. He seems quite concerned with people who are difficult to love (that ex who cheated on you, that boss who didn't treat you well, that friend or colleague who stabbed you in the back or spread rumors about you). - 2 -

Just think for a moment about the most difficult person in your life to love. Just kind of draw them to mind (the most difficult person to love in your life). Now consider this. When Jesus said, "Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect," he is not just pointing to some abstract idea of obedience or morality. He is actually thinking about that person in your mind right now. He is thinking about how well you can love that person in your mind right now. In other words, we can't follow Jesus if we don't learn to love the difficult people in our lives. How do we do that? That's what we want to look at this weekend. Jesus on numerous occasions tried to train and teach his stubborn disciples how to do that. We're going to look at a story. It's an unusual story this weekend where he was really wrestling with them to help them understand. He uses a quite unusual tactic (which we'll see) to help them understand what it means to love difficult people. This story comes from the gospel of Matthew, chapter 15, starting in verse 21 if you want to follow along. The text says, "Leaving that place " Now they're in Galilee. This is kind of home country. This is familiar country. This is surrounded by friends and family, people they would like, people they would want to be around. " Jesus withdrew to the region of Tyre and Sidon." Now this is important because for a first-century Jew, this is code language for like "pagan land." This is an area that would be a huge threat to their beliefs, their values, a place of idolatry and pagan religion. It was just northwest of Galilee where modern day Lebanon is actually located. This is the last place you would typically find a Jewish rabbi and his disciples. This is the most likely place you would find really difficult people. Then it says, "A Canaanite woman " Now that's important. That adjective Canaanite is used only this one time in the New Testament. It's a word filled with disrespect and kind of a smug attitude. It's the way a Democrat would use the word Conservative or a Conservative might use the word Liberal. Just filled with a sense of judgment and disrespect. She was a Canaanite woman, not just a Gentile woman. "A Canaanite woman from that vicinity came to him, crying out, 'Lord, Son of David, have mercy on me! My daughter is demon-possessed and suffering terribly.'" Notice this. "Jesus did not answer a word." Huh. "So his disciples came to him and urged him, 'Send her away, for she keeps crying out after us.'" "She is bothersome. She is a Canaanite woman. We don't need to be even around her." Then he answered, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel." That's another curious response. We'll flag that and come back to that. "The woman came and knelt before him. 'Lord, help me!' she said. He replied, 'It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to the dogs.' 'Yes it is, Lord,' she said. 'Even the dogs eat the crumbs that fall from their master's table.' Then Jesus said to her, 'Woman, you have great faith!'" Wow! What kind of story is this? "'Your request is granted.' And her daughter was healed at that moment." Now is anyone else being a little perplexed by this story? I mean, it's almost like the paparazzi kind of caught Jesus having a bad day, kind of an embarrassing moment to be caught on camera. A needy woman approaches him, and he basically ignores her and seems to insult her. At first, this seems like the kind of story, the kind of way to not treat a difficult person. You know, a kind of side note. A lot of people in our day will think about the New Testament and think about it as this thing that's probably made up just to make Jesus look good so we follow him, but no one in their right mind would make up a story like this. Yet if we look closely, if we untie the story, there's a - 3 -

series of lessons we can learn that can help us learn to love the difficult people in our lives today. I want to walk through five with you this morning. The first lesson we see in this story is this: 1. Silence your need to be nice. When it comes to difficult people, you have to silence that need, that compulsion, so many people in churches, so many Christ followers, will have, that sense that, "My job, my number one goal, in following Jesus is just to make sure, if nothing else, I'm just kind of nice." When the Canaanite woman first approaches Jesus, Jesus doesn't respond. It's kind of rude. On the one hand, that silence is culturally appropriate. We'll look at that in a moment. On the other hand, his silence rebukes our way of wanting to fill that gap with just trying to be nice, a nice smile, a polite remark. You know, an untrue but polite comment about someone. We do that. We put that on, and Christians can often be professionals at just being nice. But here's the deal. Nowhere in the Gospels does Jesus say the number one goal for you in dealing with people is to just be nice. Go back and look. Nowhere does he say that, because trying to be nice can often be an actual impediment to actually learning to love because the truth never comes out. The truth never comes out! Some time ago (a quick story), our leadership team went through kind of a team-building, trust-building exercise. We had a facilitator who asked us to go around and just speak honestly about what we were actually feeling about one another. As a church staff, we kind of struggled to do this. I mean, we're pastors! We're professionally nice to people. We would try to step out on a limb and say, "You know, maybe you talk a little too much, but you're great and a great leader. I love you." It kind of drove the facilitator nuts. She was like, "I know you guys are a church staff, but really! No one can like each other this much." That's when the floodgates just kind of opened up and people just started letting each other have it. I mean, it was really built up in there. I remember when I was in the hot seat, and someone who I was working with at the time had some hard things to say about me. They said, "Scott, I think sometimes you can be kind of arrogant. Scott, I think sometimes you're dismissive with other people. Scott, I don't know that you always listen too well." I have to say it was so painful to hear that, but I was so glad they had the courage to say it. They no longer work at our church, but I was so glad they were able to say it. Here's the deal. You can't love someone if you're just trying to be nice. You can't love someone if your number one goal, if the number one thing you're trying to get out of that moment, is just kind of a nice, pleasant, polite interaction. If you smooth over a conflict with a polite remark, if you use flattery to win people's affection, or if you just use some kind of a nicety to avoid a hard conversation It doesn't mean the alternative is to be cruel or unkind, but if you want to love a difficult person, the first thing you have to do is let go of that need to just be nice. Are you with me? Lesson one. Here we go. Lesson two. 2. Avoid avoidance. We need to learn to avoid avoidance. So often when it comes to difficult people, the one thing we want to do is just avoid it, to go around, to be away from, to try to not be in the same room with, just to avoid. Think back to the story. Jesus remains silent, but his disciples do not. They come to him. They don't talk to the woman. They come. They avoid her. They come to him and say, "Can we get rid of her? She is bothersome. Can you send her away?" They want to do what we want to do, which is just avoid her altogether. They don't even have the guts to talk directly to her. We do this all the time in our lives, don't we? We avoid that hard conversation. We - 4 -

avoid that difficult person. We want to steer clear of something that feels uncomfortable, someone we feel like might be difficult, demanding, needy, or take advantage of us. I remember, some time ago I was so frustrated with someone at work. I actually started to avoid walking by their desk just because I didn't want to have the conversation. It's just embarrassing to name that in public, but that's what I was doing. Because so often when it comes to difficult situations, my tendency is just avoid, avoid, avoid. Jesus doesn't do that, does he? He doesn't avoid her. It's easy to focus on what Jesus says, and we're going to look at the words Jesus says. But the most surprising thing about this story is that he speaks to this woman at all. You see, in that day, it would be culturally inappropriate for a Jewish man, especially a Jewish rabbi, to speak to a woman in public, particularly a Gentile woman, particularly a Canaanite woman, but he does. He does! He doesn't avoid. He doesn't do the safe or the appropriate thing. He engages. You know, I was trying to think of kind of a modern-day way to illustrate our analogy for this. There aren't too many good ones. A goofy one I thought of was kind of around how we deal with people's ages in public. You just don't talk about, ask about, bring up, or, you know, you steer clear of what someone's age actually is. Let's just take a risk here. Many of you probably don't know that John Ortberg, our senior pastor, had a pretty significant birthday this month. Did you know that? Most of you don't because we don't talk about age, right? Why not? Let's go do the unsafe thing. Any guesses on how old John turned this month? He turned 60 years old. Sixty! I know. It's so surprising, isn't it? I mean, most of us thought he turned 60 years ago, right? It's amazing! See how inappropriate this feels to talk about this way? Now I'm the difficult person in John's life, so here we go. Anyway, when Jesus is dealing with a difficult person, he doesn't avoid. He engages. He steps right in. He speaks up. He looks into it. He takes a risk because he understands that avoidance, though it feels good in the moment, though it feels safe in the moment, is a terrible way to deal with difficult people. Why? Because frustrations just build. Hard feelings just grow stronger, and misunderstandings just fester and spread. Regardless of what the next step may be in your life, to love that difficult person you're going to have to engage in some way. Maybe that means having a hard conversation. Maybe that means taking some initiative just to tell them how you feel. Maybe that means apologizing or asking for an apology. Maybe that means offering forgiveness or offering a second chance. Maybe if the situation feels overly complicated, you take the risk of talking to a mentor, a counselor, or a pastor to get advice on how to take that next step. But we have to fight the temptation to avoid. We have to avoid avoidance. That's the second lesson. 3. Respect your boundaries. You have to know and respect your own boundaries. Now what's this about? Well, Jesus does this actually really clearly in the story. Early on in the story when the disciples come to him, and they say, "We have to get rid of her " Remember that? "We have to send her away, send her off." What does Jesus say? This very curious thing. He says, "I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel." - 5 -

Now just some context on that. Earlier in his ministry, Jesus had clarified he was here to reach his fellow Jews so they could go out and actually eventually reach the Gentile world. That was his mission. But why reiterate that here in Gentile country to a Gentile woman? Why just let everyone know, "Hey, her problem is not my problem"? Because that was actually true. Her problem was not his problem. He understood his boundaries. Jesus was quite clear all the way through his life what he was responsible for and what he wasn't responsible for. That's that idea of boundaries. We've been looking at it throughout this series. To have healthy relationships, you have to have clear boundaries. I have to be able to distinguish, "What am I responsible for, and what is the other person responsible for?" This is even more important when it comes to difficult people. Why? Because with difficult people, it's so often to take responsibility for their choices. Do you know that experience? Maybe you feel guilty or obligated around their needs or their requests. Maybe you even blame them for the feelings you have when you're around them. I do this all the time. Here's kind of a funny example. Someone just recently kind of cut me off in traffic, and they didn't give a turn signal, look in their blind spot, or even give me that kind of courtesy wave as they pulled on in front of me. I gave them a little courtesy wave of my own kind of back at them. They saw me, and I felt so glad like, "I'm teaching them a lesson. They're going to be a better driver." I felt so good until they turned into the church parking lot where I was going. That was an uncomfortable moment for everybody. The whole time I was so angry, and I had this thought: "They made me do it. It's their fault I got mad. If they hadn't cut me off, I wouldn't be mad." See, that's a lack of boundary. That's our understanding. I'm not taking responsibility for my feelings and my choices and putting it on somebody else. The same thing happens when I feel responsible for someone else's behavior, someone else's choices. I feel guilty, obligated, or, "They're going to be disappointed in me if I don't do something." See, when dealing with difficult people, whoever they may be in our lives, when we lack boundaries, it is going to feel impossible to offer love. Jesus said this thing that sounded kind of harsh. "Her problem is not my problem." Guess what? That gave him the freedom to engage. He didn't feel obligated. He didn't have to do anything. He wasn't worried about her feeling disappointed at the end of the day, which gave him the freedom to listen, to engage, and eventually to show love. You see, when you're clear about what your responsibility is and what it isn't, there's a freedom to love that difficult, demanding, or needy person in your life. Guess what? It's okay if they don't always agree. It's okay if they express disappointment. People were disappointed in Jesus all the time. You know, it makes me wonder. I wonder how that relationship in your life would change if you had a different understanding of your responsibility, what it really is, if you understood and respected those boundaries. That brings us to a fourth lesson in this story, and this one is really important. 4. Confront your prejudices. Confront our own prejudice, bias, judgmentalism, self-righteousness. You know, it's interesting. The hardest part of the story is really about this. After the disciples try to send the woman away, she comes over to Jesus, and she asks him for help. It's this innocent, vulnerable moment. "Lord, help me!" she says. Then Jesus says this surprising thing. He says, "It is not right to take the children's bread and toss it to the dogs." - 6 -

Now why would Jesus say that? I mean, at least we live in a world where dogs are kind of cuddly and celebrated. We love them. I just actually saw a sign, an advertisement, where a dog could get a massage. It made me kind of think, "You know, if your dog is stressed out, it doesn't need a massage. It might need a new owner." I don't know. I mean, just think about it. In that day, dogs were despised. They were seen as unclean. They were just kind of the filthy creatures. What's worse is a first-century Jew would normally think of this Canaanite woman just like that filthy animal. That was their bias. That was their prejudice. That's how they thought, which helps us understand why Jesus is putting words to it, isn't he? See, most scholars don't believe he is looking directly at her and speaking down to her, that he is actually looking at his disciples. He is looking at them testing them, bringing words to their actual thoughts, putting verbally to life what they're actually thinking. It makes sense because, if you think about Jesus, he had never treated a woman this way before. It doesn't match the way he treats women, and it doesn't match the way he eventually treats this woman in this story. More importantly, what did Jesus say he had come to do? He was here for whom? The lost sheep of Israel. He was here to test not the faith of this woman. He was here to test the faith, assumptions, and biases of those disciples, which is why he puts their thoughts to words. Remember the disciples showed up feeling morally superior, looking down at this woman, judging her for all the externalities, thinking, "She is not worthy of our time or our love." They would have been thinking exactly what Jesus said, and he just says it out loud. He just says it out loud! Listen to what a scholar named Kenneth Bailey says about this story. He says Jesus is saying to his disciples, "I know you think Gentiles are dogs, and you mean to treat them as such. But pay attention. This is where your biases lead. Are you comfortable with this scene?" Of course we're not comfortable with it, but they seem to be. They didn't say a word. Question: What if Jesus said what you were actually thinking about that difficult person in your life? What if Jesus actually said what you actually thought about that person? Would you be comfortable with it? Would you agree and think, "Yeah! You're on my side exactly! You're so right exactly, Jesus"? Or would you push back and say, "Wait a minute here. Wait a minute here. Wait a minute here"? Jesus is really testing the faith of his disciples, and they're not passing the test. He is saying, "Before you reach out and label this woman, why don't you take a look at your own heart and what's going on in there?" You know, when I think about my own heart and my own life, so often the things I don't like in other people are just the things I see in myself. You know, "I can't believe that person. They talk too much." Then I realize, "Gosh! I do that too." "That person doesn't listen well. They're dismissive of others. Gosh! I do that too. That person can be so selfabsorbed. It's all about them." Then, of course, I realize, "I do that too." You know, if you want to love the difficult person in your life, you have to ask the question, "Am I not also a difficult person to love?" Here's another kind of story of being a new dad. There are some nights when Nora starts crying, and I'm tired. I'm exhausted, and I don't want to help. As I go in there, pick her up, and hold her, I'll think for a second, "Don't you realize how difficult you are?" Then I remember how vulnerable she is. I remember - 7 -

she has no idea what's going on around her. I remember I'm the only person who can meet her needs. She needs me in every possible way. Then my heart starts to break thinking about how selfish and superficial I actually am. Then I think about how that's true in so many parts of my life, all the ways I'm difficult for Nina. I think about the ways I frustrate my friends and colleagues. I think about the ways I don't care about people I work with, or I'm just selfish with them. I think about all the ways I cut people off in traffic, how I can be talking too much or be annoying, or how people may be avoiding my desk at work. Who knows? The truth is the hardest person for God to love in my life is me because I know what's in here. I know my own thoughts, actions, beliefs, and choices. I know what I'm capable of. The truth is I'm the most difficult person there is to love. There I am holding that little baby, and then I see her give me that little 8-weekold smile. Do you know that smile? It's as if to say, "I still love you. I still love you!" Then, of course, she spits up all over me right in that moment. "I still love you." That's how God thinks about difficult people. "I still love you." That's how God thinks about his enemies. "I still love you." That's his message not just for the difficult person in your life today; that's his message for you. "I still love you." How do I know? Because 2,000 years ago on a cross, Jesus died not for people who were so easy to love but for people who were the hardest to love. "I still love you. I still love you," which leads to the fifth lesson we can learn. It's simply this. If you want to do this, if you want to not just be nice, if you want to avoid avoidance, if you want to understand your boundaries and check your own prejudice, you're going to have to 5. Ask God for help. You cannot love that difficult person in your life just by trying to well up the strength and go do it. This is not a matter of determination, willpower, or sheer effort. You're going to need all the help you can get. We don't learn this lesson from the disciples who I would wish we would learn from. We actually learn it from the Canaanite woman who, on her knees, goes to the Lord with those two key words, the most important words you can have in your life of faith: "Help me. Will you just help me?" She even spins his line right back to him. She says, "Even the little dogs get their crumbs from their master's table," as if to say, "Jesus, I know you can do something. It's not because I deserve it. I may even be that difficult person, but I know you can do something. I trust you. Will you help me?" How does Jesus respond? "Woman, you have great faith!" He uses an amazing Greek word, this Greek word megas from which we get the English word mega. It's not a trick question, okay? You have mega faith. You have kingdom-sized faith. You have huge faith. Why? Because in a moment where you could have cowered away, run away, or faced what you thought was a difficult person and just avoided, you leaned in. You took up your courage, and you said, "God, help me." That's faith when it comes to difficult people. We don't love just by our strength. We can only love by faith. Do you trust? Do you trust God enough to ask for his help? Do you trust God enough right now to ask for his help with that difficult person in your life? It's such a simple thing, but how often do we do it? We're going to close just by asking God for help. I want to invite you now just to think about that difficult person in your life. We're going to pray for them, but I want to challenge how we normally pray. Normally when I pray for a difficult person, I start this way. I say, "God, make them change. Make them apologize. Make them grow - 8 -

up. Make them get better. Make them go away. God, make them " We're going to change that prayer. We're going to learn from that Canaanite woman, change how we pray. "God, help me. God, help me be more patient. God, help me see them the way you see them. God, help me get to know their story, the reasons maybe why they are the way they are. Help me initiate. Help me have that hard conversation. Help me love. Help me forgive. Help me do what feels impossible for me to do. God, help me." Just imagine the spiritual revival that could happen if a church was willing not just to love the people we like but to love the people we don't. Just imagine the light, the difference, the contrast that would be in the world in which we live. People will go, "What's going on there? What kind of God does that?" People who love their enemies. We need help, don't we? Are you with me in this? We need help, don't we? We're going to ask God for help right now. If you close your eyes and pray with me, we're going to ask for help. Jesus, we do need your help. So often in life, we are those difficult people: challenging to love, demanding, needy, selfish, indulgent, self-righteous, judgmental. It's so easy to avoid looking at our own hearts and just looking out at those we might define as difficult, frustrating, or we want to avoid. God, help us. God, right now help us. Break our hearts. Help us receive this morning that amazing grace for the most difficult people in the world right here in this room, for people who can be selfish or demanding, for those of us who can be arrogant or judgmental, for those of us who are always blaming others. God, help us just receive that grace, that love, that message you give us this morning, "I still love you. I still love you. I still love you." God, help us know that. We need that this morning. God, as we let those words sink deeper into our lives, deeper into our hearts, challenge us this morning to go out this week and love people just a little differently, to take a next step of loving people just a little differently, of listening a little more, of understanding a little more, of being a little more patient, a little more gracious. God, free us from that compulsion to just be nice, and help us not to kind of default into avoidance mode. Give us the courage to respect our boundaries, know what we're responsible for, and check our hearts so we always know what's really going inside us, not just what we think about other people. God, help us love. It such a simple thing, but help us love. Help us love better. Help us love like you did. Help us love like you do. May we be the kind of community that's known not just for liking the people we like but for loving the people we don't. Help us do that, Jesus, this week. We pray that in your name, amen. - 9 -