The Other Side of the Curtain Thoughts on Mental Health and Depression In January, 1993, I went, for the first time, to see Dr. Jean Spaulding, a well-respected psychiatrist in Durham, North Carolina. I did not want to go. In fact, I had cancelled my first appointment the day before and only went at all when my law firm directed my secretary to follow me in a car the twenty six miles from Raleigh to Durham and not to leave until I walked in the front door of Dr. Spaulding s Dutch Colonial looking office. I should have gone to see Dr. Spaulding months and even years before. In fact, at least one of my law partners from Charlotte had driven to see me one day to suggest the very idea of my seeking professional counseling. I listened patiently to what he had to say, dutifully called a doctor s office, only to be told the office was taking no new patients. Satisfied I had fulfilled my promise and obligation to my partner, I did nothing further. I thought I could take care of myself, and that I did not need any help. I thought I would be okay, and nothing bad would happen to me. I was a long time attorney in North Carolina and well respected by my peers, both inside and outside the law firm to which I belonged. I came to work every day, was always on time, and to the outside world, and perhaps even to me, I was under control. I was wrong. I know years later, it seems foolish to say I never saw it coming. But I didn t. Oh, I knew on some level that I was doing things and acting in ways that could ultimately harm me if anyone else knew, but I did not think anyone else would ever know, and besides, what I was doing wrong was only a fraction of my law practice and nothing that could not be explained. I was wrong on that too. I found myself in my last years of practicing law a person who was not happy with himself, his career, his life, continuing to wonder if this was all there was. I constantly thought of how much fun it would be to do something else, to escape from my all too real world. Still, despite these feelings, I could fool everyone, including myself. I could compartmentalize my life and my wrongdoings. I could rationalize. I got behind on some cases and clients, had difficulty calling some of them back or telling them the absolute truth when I did reach them by phone or see them in person. I came to believe some of the very things I was telling them and confused buying time with getting something done. I was a mess. To make my world continue, I transferred money from some clients to others, told some clients about progress in their cases that was not true and slowly lost my way and became a shell of what I had once been or thought I was. And then all at once, my legal world collapsed or shattered in a very public way. It ended. In a moment it was over. I think back often to that time and wonder, what was I thinking? I think today how easy it would have been to stay out of trouble, to have continued in the practice of law. But that would have required me to have a mindset of the kind I have today and not the way I was then. 1
I don t find many attorneys or anyone in the legal profession for that matter who often raise their hands at meetings or seminars and say I would be willing to seek professional help. No, most people are afraid to do so for they consider it weakness to talk with a psychiatrist or psychologist or anyone professionally. There is still a stigma attached to clinical depression or what Dr. Spaulding once referred to as a cancer of the soul. Attorneys are in one of the most stressful professions mankind has ever invented. Every day an attorney goes to work, he or she finds someone who is on the other side, wanting a different result. Rarely are attorneys, on any given issue, all on the same side. The search for truth and justice may be good and honorable, but it also can bring collateral damage. That damage is depression, an illness that knows no boundaries of age, wealth or position in life. It can happen slowly, it can take away one s ability to care or focus, and it can cost a person everything, even a person s life. I was found by Dr. Spaulding and another doctor, Dr. Seymour Halleck, appointed by the Superior Court in North Carolina during a Hearing in my case, after I was charged with wrongdoing, to be suffering from major clinical depression. But I am getting ahead of my story, so let me go back to the beginning and tell you of my journey into the world of professional mental health. I did not believe in psychiatry. I did not think there was anything wrong with me. I thought everyone could pull him or herself up by the bootstraps. So after meeting that first time with Dr. Spaulding, I thought I was done. I was shocked when she told me she wanted to buy another hour of my time the following week, and dumbfounded when she finally told me after a number of sessions that she thought I was suffering from major depression. Because I had been a prominent and well known attorney in North Carolina, she, and my lawyer friends Wade Smith and Rick Gammon, thought I was a prime candidate for suicide. I was getting ready to take a steep public fall, all in a single moment. They wanted me to be safe. They wanted me locked up. Now, just seeing a doctor was not enough. They recommended strongly that I voluntarily go into a mental hospital. I did not want to go. I argued back. I did not think that was necessary, I thought it was over the top. Finally, after meeting with Dr. Spaulding, my attorneys, my family, all of whom supported the decision to go to a hospital, I went, on a cold Monday in late January, 1993. I stayed at Duke Hospital for a week. I would have stayed longer, but insurance would not cover but so much. After being released from the hospital, I met almost daily with Dr. Spaulding for more than a week. Finally, she gave me her opinion of my medical condition. This is a summary of what she said was wrong with me: A disorder of sleep A disorder of appetite A disorder of movement ( close to manic depression) A disorder of mood A disorder of thinking (psychotic features, though not psychotic) 2
Walking around nervous breakdown A small stroke caused by stress ( backed up by two MRI S A break with reality A major depressive disorder Dr. Halleck added later a diagnosis of a severe personality disorder of trying always to please people, of not saying no so bad that it was crippling. One of the worst cases of depression she had ever seen. And this was just January, and I had the whole year before me. I was put on Prozac a lot of it about four times the normal daily amount in an attempt to stabilize my life and thoughts and mood. That turned out to be a good thing because that year I turned in license to practice law, was under a criminal investigation by the State Bureau of Investigation, indicted by the local county Grand Jury, pleaded guilty to all charges with no plea bargain agreement of any kind and finally sentenced to three years in prison, with work release, though that turned out to be about three and one-half months. I saw Dr. Spaulding until the mid-1990 s on a regular basis. She thought, and so she told me, that I would never really get well, that I would be on medication for the balance of my life, and that I would need intensive psycho-therapy forever. On this, Dr. Spaulding was wrong. I have not seen her professionally other than a couple of times in all the years since 1995. I have not been on medication since that time. I am happy today, and one of the last times I saw her, Dr. Spaulding said she could not give me a medicine prescription because she did not think I needed it there was no longer anything wrong with me. I showed her some of the materials I had put together on my new speaking and teaching profession, and she just shook her head and said, The Jim Blackburn I knew years ago could not have done that. And she wondered why the change. I told her what I thought. Jean, I said, I am now happy. I am doing what I want to do. I have found a niche, and I enjoy it. I get to meet the best people from everywhere some attorneys, some not, but just lots of people who want to hear what I have to say. That is the most rewarding thing in the world. But there are some other more specific ways I got happy and here is a short summary of what they are: Dr. Spaulding once asked me when was the last time I was carefree and happy. I told her it was when I was a junior in college. I vowed to change that. Dr. Spaulding asked me what in my life was in Technicolor and what was only in black and white? I had no answer, and I made up my mind to change that. 3
I remembered the words of Robert Frost that the shortest way out is almost always through. It is not the easiest, but I promised myself I would try. I learned patience, that not everything would come back at once, or sometimes not at all. I figured out what my talents and interests were I liked people, like to talk and like to write doing programs for professions in many cities and states allows me to do that. I loved making closing arguments in trials making a speech or teaching a seminar is close to the same thing. I learned to live within myself, to not go so close to the edge, to make fewer promises and to keep the ones I made. Plato s great line Be kind to everyone you meet for everyone is fighting a great battle is very true. Live financially within your means. I do that. Take good care of your personal life I try to do that. Smile, laugh, get sad, get angry, forgive, get over it, stop whining, and just do the best you can are all a part of being human. I go through these processes very regularly. Learn the wisdom of Magnificent Defeat that sometimes we have to go through an experience we want to avoid, and think it is the end of us, but it is often just a beginning. Realizing that one should never put a period where God only places a comma, that we all can have several chances in life if we own our mistakes, say we are sorry and just do better. Accept that faith is important if it is true that there are no atheists in foxholes, it is also true there are none when one is in serious trouble or trying to start over in life. Learning that if no one has died, everything can be fixed. Find some pleasure in times of the week other than the weekend when is the last time you ever said, Thank God it s Tuesday? Exercise go for walks, if you don t want to go to the gym but do something to release the stress that the legal profession can bring. These concepts have begun to work for me. I don t do them all the time. Sometimes I have trouble with some of them, such as exercise, and find myself stumbling once again. But overall, they have worked for me, and I believe can help you in avoiding the pitfalls of depression. They do not cost any money, but they do require you to try. 4
Why should you or anyone in the legal profession care about mental health issues in general or depression in particular? I have often heard attorneys in North Carolina say they have no problems in this area and don t like the Bar requirement of taking one hour of Continuing Education on it or substance abuse every three years. In recent years I have been asked to speak to lawyer groups and associations in a number of states from New Mexico to Oklahoma to Iowa to Kentucky to Virginia to Atlanta and most often in both North and South Carolina. What I have found is that people are the same everywhere, regardless of where they might live and practice law. Depression and mental health illnesses are universal. Depression can strike anyone, regardless of age or profession. It is an equal opportunity disease. At the same time, attorneys are in a unique position to see the results and consequences of this illness up close. It can impact your law firm, your family and /or your clients. This program is for an Estate Planning Seminar. I would think that practicing in this environment would put you up close to people who are or may be suffering from some degree of depression. If I were practicing law today, I would look closely at myself and other attorneys in my law firm as to how clients are being treated, whether work is being done on time, whether there unexplained absences, are there too many postponements of court filings and complaints from a lack of communication with clients. If there are, then a red flag is being raised, and one that should be considered. Several years ago when I was speaking at the North Carolina District Attorney s Conference in Asheville, the Executive Director of the Bar Association told me that North Carolina averaged one attorney suicide per month. In recent weeks, dating back to mid May of this year, I have been told by people who have attended my programs of more than five suicides, from family members to work associates to friends. Ross Douthat, writing recently in the New York Times, said that over the past decade, the United States has become a less violent country in every way save one. As Americans commit fewer and fewer crimes against other people s lives and property, they have become more likely to inflict fatal violence on themselves The suicide rate for Americans 35 to 54 increased nearly 30 percent between 1999 and 2010; for men in their 50 s it rose nearly 50 percent. More Americans now die of suicide than in car accidents, and gun suicides are almost twice as common as gun homicides. In a May 22 online edition of Newsweek magazine, the cover story was titled The suicide epidemic why are we killing ourselves and how do we stop it? A chaired professor of Florida State University, whose father was a Marine yet took his own life, has made a life study of suicide and its causes. His conclusions are that often three elements are present when suicide occurs. 1. Aloneness not feeling connected to anything or anyone that is good, be it a person, family, church or even a law firm. He told the story of a man, who had left a note, saying he was going to jump off the Golden Gate bridge but would not do so if while he 5
was walking there, anyone looked at him and smiled. No one did, and he jumped to his death. 2. Being a burden to someone else not being productive and able to care for one s self. 3. The willingness or ability to carry it out don t be misled by this because the imagination can think of countless ways to end a life. Any of these three situations might not be considered so serious as to be life threatening, in and of themselves. However, taken together as a whole, there can be great risk of harm to someone. Twice I considered taking my own life during my fall as an attorney. Neither time did I try to act beyond thinking and even talking about it. For a long time, I was not sure why I had chosen to live other than the basic desire not to die. Looking back today, it is clear that I was not completely alone, and that I was working hard on learning to be productive again. It has now been twenty years since that time. Sometimes there have been struggles and disappointment. I have not always succeeded. I have not always done my best. But slowly over time, I have learned to be happy, to have finally found my niche and purpose in life. And slowly, I have gotten better at being a person. It can be difficult to think of tough situations and sadness and mental illness. But they exist, alongside happy and pleasant and successful times. What I would suggest to each one of you is to not give up, to do your best, to live in the moment, to not forget the past but not to let it overwhelm you, to be compassionate and kind to those you meet who are not as fortunate as you in terms of health. I would smile and laugh each day. And if I was someone not as happy or as well I want to be, then I would seek help and friendship that is unconditional. I would not quit. I would hold on it will get better. When I was in high school in Winston-Salem, we often went to the school auditorium for assemblies, speeches, pep rallies, shows and concerts. Always there was a large stage just beyond the orchestra pit. So many times there was a curtain hanging down so that you could not see the entire stage. I always wondered what was going on behind. I now think that when the curtain goes up and the show begins that is entertainment fun but not necessarily real. What is real, at least to me, is what takes place behind the curtain when it is down. That is when people are getting ready for the show, getting ready to perform, getting into costumes and makeup and masks, if it is a play. It is work, it is life. It is truth. My goal is simple to keep my life as simple as possible, to be as open and transparent as possible. I got better because once my story became public by way of the news media; I no longer had to worry about keeping it quiet. I could concentrate on getting better, living my life and trying to start over. Once everyone knew the worst about me, then they knew. And I didn t have to think about that as much anymore. I no longer had to wear a mask for there was no reason. I suppose there is a stigma still to depression and mental health illness, and your friends and coworkers might look at you differently if they know you have such problems. But in the final analysis, who cares? What difference does it really make? All worrying about that can do is to keep you from getting better and living a happier and more productive life. 6
These notes and my presentation to you are my best efforts at letting you know what I found on the other side of the curtain. I found that life is real, it can be hard work, that there are no guarantees, but it can be so much better if I just did my best. You may remember the famous line from one of the Star Wars movies long ago when Yoda is telling his young friend how to raise the spaceship, and the friend is having trouble doing it. There is no try, Yoda said, There is only do. 7