Forgiveness: A Radical Way to Live The Cost of Unforgiveness Doris Barr October 19, 2014 What does unforgiveness cost us? That s the topic we re considering today as we continue this series on forgiveness. I know it sounds like a heavy topic, and while I want us to get this message loud and clear, I also want you to know that we re not going to stay stuck in unforgiveness today. We will contrast the cost of unforgiveness with the fruit of forgiveness. The message of hope and the potential for powerful transformation through forgiveness goes beyond anything we can comprehend. Chris Carrier story.told by Everett Worthington Everett Worthington has dedicated his life to the study of forgiveness. He tells this story: When Chris Carrier was 10 years old, he was abducted near his Florida home, taken into the swamps, stabbed repeatedly in the chest and abdomen with an ice pick, and then shot through the temple with a handgun. Remarkably, hours after being shot, he awoke with a headache, unable to see out of one eye. He stumbled to the highway and stopped a car, which took him to the hospital. Years later, a police officer told Chris that the man suspected of his abduction lay close to death. Confront him, suggested the officer. Chris did more than that. He comforted his attacker during the man s final weeks of life and ultimately forgave him, bringing peace to them both. Worthington writes, Chris Carrier s act of forgiveness might seem unfathomable to some, an act of extreme charity or even foolishness. Indeed, our culture seems to perceive forgiveness as a sign of weakness, submission, or both. Often we find it easier to stigmatize or denigrate our enemies than to empathize with or forgive them. And in a society as competitive as ours, people may hesitate to forgive because they don t want to relinquish the upper hand in a relationship. Everett Worthington http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/the_new_science_of_forgiveness# We are often more concerned about justice than mercy. The police officer urged Chris to confront. He had every right to, but Chris chose mercy. He chose to forgive and comfort, bringing peace and freedom to both! Such is the nature of forgiveness. Corrie Ten Boom, who suffered unbelievable horrors in a German concentration camp during World War II, wrote this about forgiveness: Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness. Corrie Ten Boom Unforgiveness, by contrast, seems to be a negative emotional state where an offended person maintains feelings of resentment, hostility, anger, and hatred toward the person who offended him. Everett Worthington, Jr. 1
Our choice to forgive or not forgive will either imprison us or set us free. Jesus told a parable that illustrates the cost of unforgiveness. One day Peter asked Jesus a question about forgiveness, and in response Jesus gave us the parable of the unmerciful servant. The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant - Matthew 18:21-35 21 Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother or sister who sins against me? Up to seven times? 22 Jesus answered, I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times. Notice Peter s question. He thought he was being generous by suggesting that maybe we should forgive 7 times, but Jesus went way beyond Peter s limit by saying 77 times or as some translations say 70 times 7. It seems Jesus is saying there is no limit to forgiveness. 23 Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand bags of gold [b] was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 At this the servant fell on his knees before him. Be patient with me, he begged, and I will pay back everything. 27 The servant s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. The king had every right to require payment. Nothing about his demand was unjust, but he had pity on the servant, and gave mercy instead, forgiving the debt that was owed. 28 But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. [c] He grabbed him and began to choke him. Pay back what you owe me! he demanded. 29 His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, Be patient with me, and I will pay it back. 30 But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were outraged and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32 Then the master called the servant in. You wicked servant, he said, I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you? 34 In anger his master handed him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. 2
The servant who owed a great debt begged that his debt would be forgiven, and the king granted his wish, but there was no sense of gratitude or appreciation. He did not value the gift of forgiveness, but immediately found someone who owed him much less, and without pity demanded payment. The master s response was ruthless. The point of the parable, Jesus said was: This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother or sister from your heart. The Cost of Unforgiveness is great. The price is high. Unforgiveness becomes a barrier in your relationship with God. Jesus said, For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15 The forgiveness of our sins is inextricably linked to our forgiveness of others. Someone has said, He who cannot forgive others burns the bridge over which he must pass. If you hold on to your hurts and wounds, it will poison your life and spread to others. When we refuse to forgive, it impacts not just the person who offended us, but spills over into all of our relationships. It becomes a bitter root. See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. Hebrews 12:15 Thirdly, Unforgiveness gives an open door to the enemy. In writing to the Corinthians on the topic of forgiveness, Paul said, Anyone you forgive, I also forgive. And what I have forgiven if there was anything to forgive I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us. For we are not unaware of his schemes. 2 Corinthians 2:10-11 Unforgiveness is like leaving a door open to Satan. We need to be careful that he does not outwit us and win an advantage. Unforgiveness takes a toll on our physical, mental, emotional and relational health. I read of a study done by a psychologist who asked people to think about someone who had hurt or offended them. While they thought about this person and the offense, she monitored their blood pressure, heart rate, muscle tension and sweat gland activity. Sure enough, when people remembered the offense committed against them, their blood pressure and heart rate increased, and they sweated more. They reported feeling angry, sad, anxious, and less in control. To ruminate on an old transgression is to practice unforgiveness. Everett Worthington Sometimes unforgiveness becomes so familiar to us that we don t even recognize it in our lives. How do we know when we need to forgive someone? i A #10 reaction to a #2 offense i Emotional upheaval: anger, anxiety, fear i Triggered by a person or an event that reminds us of the offender / offense i Feel separated from God / angry at God There are two components to forgiveness. There is the important choice to forgive. It s an act of our will. A cognitive decision we make. But forgiveness also has an emotional or feeling component that is important for forgiveness to be complete. We can make the choice without the feeling. That s an important first step, but every offense is an 3
emotionally charged memory, and the painful emotions must be felt and lifted into the presence of Christ. That s why in Healing Prayer we talk about the power of Lament. We cannot adequately forgive until we allow ourselves to feel the pain of the offense and get it up and out in the presence of Jesus. In lament, we speak honestly of the offense, the pain, the hurt, the humiliation that we felt. We use raw, uncensored language, because the emotion must come up and out however it has been stored in us. We also own and confess our own sin unforgiving spirit, anger, hatred, etc. We take the offense to the cross in prayer. Jesus died for that offense. As we noted last week, Jesus died not just for our sins, but for every sin every committed against us. He felt all the pain and hurt of our experience. As we pour it out in prayer before Him, He bears it to the cross, and in the place of pain and hurt, he gives healing and restores our peace and freedom. Then when we think of that offense, the sting is gone because we see it through the cross of Jesus. Forgiveness is made complete when both the will and emotions are engaged and touched by Jesus. If unforgiveness has powerful effects on us, the act of forgiveness has even greater power. The Fruit of Forgiveness. As we forgive, we are healed emotionally and spiritually, and often physically. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. He committed no sin, and no deceit was found in his mouth. When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 1 Peter 2:21-24 Charles Kraft writes: There is no greater blockage to a person s receiving healing from God than that person s refusal to forgive others. Unforgiveness blocks healing. Forgiveness releases it. When we forgive, we release someone from a debt they owe us. In forgiving, we write off the person s debt, and they no longer owe us. We no longer condemn them. Only one party is needed for forgiveness: me. Sometimes we think we don t need to forgive until the person who wronged us acknowledges their sin and asks for forgiveness. But that s not true. The person who owes a debt does not have to ask my forgiveness. It is a work of grace in my heart. 23 If you forgive anyone s sins, their sins are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven. John 20:23 Doris Donnelly writes: Forgiveness, then, exerts the most formidable power of all when it enables change. Forgiveness changes circumstances every bit as tangibly as sin does. An act of pardon is just as real an event as an act of sin. And when I admit my sinfulness and acknowledge my unloving actions, I can actually change. Forgiveness is like cutting a rope that ties you to your offender. It sets both of you free. Forgiveness gives me boundaries because it unhooks me from the hurtful person, and then I can act responsibly, wisely. 4
When we Forgive, we validate the worth of the offender When we give the gift of forgiveness to someone who does not deserve it, we validate the worth of that person. We choose to see them as God sees them, and we invite that person to recognize himself or herself as a person of worth and great value. How would you like someone to be waiting to take your picture first thing in the morning before you have time to shower, shave or wash your hair? When we refuse to forgive others, it s like taking a picture of them when they are their ugliest, never letting them be anyone else but the person who offended us. Forgiving allows us to tear up those ugly images and sets them free to be all that God created them to be. Jesus taught, Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. It s not enough to just forgive our enemies; Jesus calls us to love them as well. Forgiveness is a radical way to live. The fruit of forgiveness is communicated powerfully in a story we re about to watch. This is a true story that was in national news. http://youtu.be/o2bity-3mp4 It seems almost irreverent to even speak right now after hearing such a powerful message of forgiveness. Can you imagine how different that story might have been had Mary Johnson embraced unforgiveness? Can you imagine the prison of resentment and hatred she would be living in? Contrast that with her peace, her heart of worship, and the power of her forgiveness that is setting her offender free. As we wrap up this morning there are a couple of things I think it s important for us to note. The Truth about Forgiveness is this: We don t need to forget in order to forgive. Last Sunday we noted in Psalm 103 that God removes our sins from us as far as the East is from the West, and that s true. God doesn t remember our sins. But we re not God. We are human. Mary will never forget the sin of her son s murder. It s highly unlikely that we will forget, but that in no way minimizes the power or effectiveness of our forgiveness. Sometimes it seems that to forgive is letting someone off the hook. In a way, that is true, but the person we leave off the hook is ourselves. As Mary said, Forgiveness in no way diminishes the offense or says that what happened doesn t matter. It does matter a lot! But forgiveness is a choice we make for ourselves. Forgiveness releases us from the prison of our pain and from the power that the people who caused it have had over us. We don t forget, but the memory of the offense now passes through the cross of Jesus and is filtered through grace. 5
The truth about forgiveness is that Forgiveness Does Not Always Lead to Reconciliation. Forgiveness requires the choice of just one person. Reconciliation requires two. You can fully forgive without being reconciled with your offender. In fact, sometimes relationships become so toxic, unhealthy or abusive that strong boundaries are both necessary and healthy. Yet, for the sake of our own spiritual and emotional health, it is crucial that we forgive. Philip Yancey in his book, What s So Amazing about Grace writes: In the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God s hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy. 6