Giving Grief Words Ted Bowman Grief and Family Educator tedbowman71@gmail.com The Power of Words If something is unmentionable, it can also be unmanageable folk aphorism we must call all things by name / out of the silence again to be with us. Tell the truth, but tell it slant Wendell Berry Emily Dickinson The Language of Loss At times of loss, people can also be at a loss for words. A grieving spouse, after her husband s death, wrote: As far as I can tell there is only one certainty it is the sure knowledge that I have now learned, am continuing to learn, another language, the language of loss (Coughlin, 1993). 1
When Asked.What Is Desired? It is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions or cures, acknowledge the pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand Someone who can be silent in a moment of despair or confusion Who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us our loss Okun And Rappaport / Nouwen SPIKES Model 1. Setting Up review the record, palliative care, context, read the tone, time constraints 2. Patient s perceptions who is patient? 3. Invitation Is this a good time? How much information do you want now? 4. Knowledge what is known enough, but not too much 5. Emotions can trump information, empathy is essential 6. Summarize and point to the future Hospitality What does hospitality as a healing power require? It requires first of all that the host feel at home and secondly a free place for the other Hospitality embraces two concepts: concentration and community. A helper is not a doctor whose primary task is to take away pain. Rather, deepen the pain to a level where it can be shared. Henri Nouwen 2
Somewhere To Begin People say to me, Oh, you gotta be crazy! How can you sing in times like these? Don t you read the news? Don t you know the score? How can you sing when so many others grieve? People say to me, What kind of fool believes That a song will make a difference in the end? By way of a reply, I say a fool such as I Who sees a song as somewhere to begin A song is somewhere to begin The search for something worth believing in If changes are to come There are things That must be done And a song is somewhere to begin Additional verses: 2) Dream 3) Love Whitebark Music/BMI T. R. Ritchie, Eliciting / Inviting Words Introduce me to your Mom, I didn t know her well. If your tears could talk, what would they be saying? How can I be helpful right now? Every person grieves in their own way; how have you grieved other losses? When you knew your child was so ill, what did you picture as time passed? 3
Eliciting / Inviting Words Do you wish to discuss spirituality with me? If yes How is your spirituality relevant to your symptoms and your treatments? D. Rosmarin Wall Street Journal 12.29.17 What are questions your situation has raised for you? How has this experienced changed you? K. Pargament Metaphors Of Loss / Grieving All motion stopped when he died.i couldn t move Spenser suffering is the smallest room, and there the sufferer lives Berger No matter what the grief is, its weight/ we are obliged to carry it Laux the beloved died / he s reborn as words - Orr A Framework for Metaphors - Kopp 1) Notice metaphors 2) Invite the client to explore 3) If I were seeing it the way you see it, what would I see? 4) Practice curiosity 5) Describe feelings associated with the metaphor 6) Invite transformation 7) What if the metaphor were a.? 8) Connect metaphor and life issues 4
Storying And Re-storying After Loss Involves Grieving The Old Story Before Creating The Next (Not Necessarily New) Story ---- Listen For Major Components/Themes/Values Of The Old Story How Can They Be Reframed In The Next Story Bibliotherapy The effectiveness of bibliotherapy depends on the facilitator s ability to choose material that speaks to the individual participant s needs and interests; to make accurate, empathic interpretations of the participant s responses; and, through literature and dialogue, to draw out deeper self-understanding. In short, a good bibliotherapist is a skilled listener. Hynes and Hynes-Berry Isoprinciple Selecting Literary Pieces Select materials or stories that match the client s mood or state of being. Tell me about something that I have already experienced Tell me in such a way that you stimulate my feelings. Tell it in a way that I can understand and remember. Show me by the way you tell it what kind of person you are, so that I can decide whether I can trust you. 5
Dehumanization Of Loss Repeated experiences of unacknowledged and unmourned loss contribute to the dehumanization of loss It s one thing to lose something that was important to you, but it is far worse when no one in your universe recognizes that you lost it. The failure to acknowledge another s loss is to deny that person s humanity. KEN HARDY SHRINKING GRIEF GROWING YOUR WORLD From Grieving: A Beginner s Guide (2006) by Jerusha Hull McCormick. Brewster, MA: Paraclete Press, pp. 114-116 Be Alert To Identity Contingencies Things one has to deal with in a situation because you have been given a social identity because you are old, young, gay, a white male, a woman, black, Latino, politically conservative or liberal, diagnosed with a bipolar disorder, a cancer patient, and so on From Whistling Vivaldi by Claude Steele 6
Ambiguous Loss Losses that are: unclear, confusing, and for which future stories / outcomes are unknown Etymology: driven in both ways Boss Ambiguous loss is inherently traumatic because the inability to resolve the situation causes pain, confusion, shock, distress, and often immobilization. Without clarity/closure the trauma of this unique kind of loss becomes chronic. Containment Of Suffering Containing means psychologically holding the one who suffers even when there is nothing left to do, and no matter what happens. It means recognizing that attending to, thinking about, and working with one's own reactions as a carer facilitates the process of psychological and spiritual healing in the other. The containment of suffering validates the humanity of the patient and wisdom of his or her own psyche. Michael Kearney 7
The Five Invitations Don t wait Welcome everything, push away nothing Bring your whole self to the experience Find a place of rest in the middle of things Cultivate don t know mind Frank Ostaseski 8