1 THE DECISION TO BE A MAN WITH FRIENDS Clip: Butch and Sundance final scene I like being a man. I like being at lunch with the boys, and being able to get up and go to the restroom and not having three guys at the table feel like they have to go with me for moral support. I like not finding potpourri on the front porch on my birthday because one of my buddies wanted me to know that he s thinking of me. I like being able to tell someone that he s a titty baby when he s being a titty baby. Which I had to do earlier this week with our senior pastor. He was cutting someone way too much slack and I had to call him on it. I like being able to tell someone he s an idiot when he s being an idiot like I did with our district superintendent a few days ago. He just needed telling. And I like being able to tell him, knowing that as long as I do it with a smile on my face, he laughs, I laugh, and we both forget it. And when I come home from a ballgame with one of my friends, and my wife asks me how his wife is doing, I m glad that it feels very natural to say, I don t know it didn t come up. There s only one thing I don t like about being a man. And that s being at the gym and seeing a bunch of middle-aged, overweight guys walk around butt naked. That I don t care for.
2 Unless you are Brad Pitt, Christian Bale or Ryan Gosling, put a towel on. Rob, it sounds like you have issues with the male body. Well, if it s 50 lbs overweight and with enough fur on it that I start thinking Big Foot might actually exist, yeah, I got an issue with the male body. But with that one exception, I like being a man and I like the values that men live by. I like achievement, competition, strength, courage and success. But I know they can be a prison. We men build those values around our lives like the walls of a fortress to protect our manhood and to guard our egos and to make sure no one sees our weaknesses or our fears. And only when the fortress is finished, do we realize that we didn t build a castle where we re safe we built a prison where we re trapped, where we end up hiding, living and dying alone. In that prison we miss out on a lot of life, because real life comes only when we re real with ourselves and with others and with God. In this series of Quest we re looking at the decisions that make a man. And today it s the decision to have friends. And that is a decision. Most men report that they have few, if any, close friends with whom they can share what s most important to them and talk to about what s going on inside them.
3 But most men also report they desire such relationships. Most men know they need a few good friends, but they don t know how to create the friendships they need. Many of you in this room are very successful in your professions. Anybody get where you are on your own? You re a self-made man nobody helped you, nobody mentored you, nobody believed in you, nobody gave you an opportunity, nobody encouraged you? Of course somebody helped you succeed in your career. As important as your professional journey has been, there s one that s even more important. That s your life journey. And if you re going to succeed on it, you ll decide to be a man with friends who will make you better and help you succeed at what matters most. I believe the man you become will to a large extent be determined by the men you let get close enough to you to influence how you think, what you want, and what you live for. Fill your life with men of character, and you will grow in character. Surround yourself with men who are devoted to their wives, invested in their children, committed to Christ and living as servants and they will influence you to live a truly great life.
4 Fill your life with men who live for themselves, who possess the values of the world, and who have no higher purpose than making more money, acquiring more stuff, and fulfilling the lusts of their flesh, and you will end up disappointing your family, yourself, and your God. There is a phenomenal study that has been conducted by Harvard over the past 75 years. It began in the 1930 s. It has looked at the lives of 724 men, just boys when the study began. 60 are still alive, most are in their nineties. Here s Robert Waldinger, the current Director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, in a TED Talk describing the study. It s 12 minutes in length, all of it worth watching. But I can just show you a couple of minutes this morning. https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good_life_less ons_from_the_longest_study_on_happiness?language=en#t-292362 3.14-5.15 In addition to questionnaires, the men and their families are interviewed in person and their medical records are reviewed.
5 Three big take-aways. 1. Men with good relationships are healthier and happier and they live longer. Men who are lonely live shorter lives and their health begins to deteriorate earlier. A sad fact, one in five Americans reports being lonely even if he or she is married. 2. The quality of your relationships matters. The study discovered that men with the most supportive relationships at age 50 were the most likely to be physically healthy and happy at age 80. More important than the level of their cholesterol in predicting future health was the quality of their relationships. And good relationships helped men overcome heart disease, cancer and the death of a spouse. 3. Good relationships protect our mental health. Men with good, close relationships lost mental sharpness and developed memory loss and dementia later in life than did men without healthy relationships. So, good relationships are good for our health and our happiness. Interesting, but not a shocker. One of the first things the Bible tells us about men is Genesis 2.18: The Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him. I want you to live a long, healthy and happy life. But that s not my goal for you and I hope you have a greater purpose than that for yourself.
6 I want you to live a life that glorifies God, is faithful to Christ and brings grace and strength into the lives of others. It s not how many days you have but what you do with the days you have that determines whether you have been a true success in life. It s not how happy your life has been, but how significant your life has been that, at least in my book, determines whether you have lived well. And I am convinced that one of the most important factors in your living a truly successful life, not just a happy life, is the men you choose to be your friends. One of history s most amazing life journeys was the one that a man named Paul lived in the first century. He was the star pupil of Gamaliel, the most respected Rabbi of his day. That would be like graduating from Harvard, Phi Beta Kappa. Before his conversion, he passionately persecuted the early church, putting some believers in prison, having others put to death. On one of his journeys, he was miraculously converted. And from that moment he devoted all of his brilliance and passion to taking the good news of Jesus throughout the Roman Empire. With his preaching, his travels and his writings, no man did more to spread the Christian faith in the first century than Paul.
7 And no man paid a greater price. Five times he was given thirty-nine lashes. Three times he was beaten with rods, three times he was shipwrecked, once he was stoned by an angry mob and left for dead, and often he went without sufficient food and water. And amazingly, almost superhumanly, each time he got up, recommitted himself to his mission, and pushed forward until he was finally executed. Strength, courage, honor, determination. Paul lived by the values that men respect. And that makes what he wrote to his son in the faith, Timothy, so amazing. At this point Paul s in prison. No big deal, he s been there many times. He knows he may be executed. Again, he s been there before and he s at peace, he s ready to go. And this is what he writes. 2 Timothy 4.6-11: For I am already being poured out like a drink offering, and the time has come for my departure. I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Now there is in store for me the crown of righteousness Do your best to come to me quickly, for Demas, because he loved this world, has deserted me and has gone to Thessalonica. Crescens has gone to Galatia, and Titus to Dalmatia. Only Luke is with me. Get Mark and bring him with you No one stronger or more courageous.
8 And he says what? Timothy, I need you. I need to see your face. I need to hear your voice. I need to have you with me. I want to face death in a way that I can be proud of and that honors my God. And I m not sure I can make it on my own. Amazing, isn t it? Paul has never failed to be faithful. He has a relationship with God that is deeper than you or I will ever know. And, yet, he says to his son in the faith, to face this thing and do it right, I need you to be with me. Paul knew that to be true to himself and faithful to his God, he needed others. There s a view of strength that many men hold. Being strong means being self-sufficient. We don t need anybody. We don t ask for help. We don t admit our weaknesses or our fears or our needs. Not Paul. Why was he able to admit his need and ask for help? Because he knew that life is a battle. What did he write? I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.
9 Paul knew that if he was going to succeed as a man of God he was going to have to fight a battle. Paul knew that it s hard to stand for truth in a world of lies. Paul knew that he would have to fight the temptation to give up and give in. Paul knew that the world would oppose him every step of the way and that the spiritual forces of hell would come against him with all their might. Paul knew that life is a battle. You know that, too, don t you. To be a man of integrity. To be faithful to God. To withstand the temptations of the flesh. It s going to be a battle. It was for Paul and if you aspire to live the life you were created for, it will be for you. Listen: It s a sign of courage to take on the world. It s a sign of foolishness to take it on alone. Do you want to live faithfully for Christ, be a devoted husband and invested father, and and live for a higher purpose than most men do? Then you ll need others who believe in you, support you, encourage you, mentor you, pray for you, and walk the journey with you. It s not good for us to be alone with our anger or our fears or our insecurities or our temptations or our guilt. It s good to get those things out. It s critical that we have a brother or a band of brothers, where we can be open and honest and vulnerable.
10 There s a line that s used in the recovery movement that contains a lot of wisdom. It goes: We are as sick as our secrets. Hiding our true selves, living in the shadows, always leads to emotional and spiritual dysfunction. Being open with a few people about who we are and getting their help breeds life and health. For the rest of the morning I want to share with you some traits to look for in others that you decide to invite into your life. And I m going to be up front about this. One of the best ways for men to develop the kind of friendships that I m about to describe is to join a small group. Meet regularly with other men and talk about things that matter. You ll see who in the group you click with and over time the kind of relationships that can help you grow spiritually, get better as a man and be faithful to Christ will develop. (The Kind of Friend You Need) First, you need 1. Friends who accept you for who you are. The Bible tells us this is important. Romans 15.7: Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you. You ve heard me say it before. Men tend to define themselves by what they do. We are inclined to judge our value by what we have accomplished.
11 We ask ourselves, What have I achieved? What status have I attained? Are my accomplishments worthy of respect and admiration? Look, you are not a human doing, you are a human being. You need at least one relationship with another man where you know you are accepted for who you are not for what you ve done. You need a friendship you didn t have to earn, work for or impress anybody for. It s only in that kind of relationship that we can be honest with another person about who we are and where we struggle. It s only in that kind of relationship that we can take the chance of being known and letting out some of the secrets that make us sick. Question. Would you rather be respected or loved? If I told you, you couldn t have both. You can only get one. Would you rather other men respect you or love you? That s easy, isn t it? You d rather be respected. Both are important. But they don t make movies titled: Men Who Are Loved. They do make movies with titles like: Men of Honor. Men of Respect. Men of Steel. All real movie titles. I think I know why respect is more important to men than love. Love is something that s given. Respect is something that s earned.
12 Love can be given to puppy dogs, and little babies, and the weakest, most pitiful guy in town. But respect you get that only when you ve done enough to deserve it. Achievements and accomplishments. That s what brings respect and that s what makes men feel like men. And we think that when we do enough, we ll be enough and finally we ll feel like we re enough. Here s the problem: We want respect because we re men. But we need love because we re human. I m going to tell you something that you may find hard to accept, but go home and think about it. There is nothing more manly than love. Remember the scene from The Right Stuff where John Glenn loves and protects his wife. There is nothing more manly than caring about someone enough to sacrifice your time, your stuff, your plans and your reputation. There is nothing more manly than truly loving another person or daring to be vulnerable enough to let someone love the real you. That s what life is about. That s what we need. That s what brings healing and strength. And that s what happens in real, manly relationships. Not potpourri on the porch, but men who show up for each other as brothers, physically and emotionally and spiritually.
13 You need another man in your life who has a heart of grace, someone who has traveled far enough on his own journey that he knows that life is hard and messing up is easy. You need someone you don t have to impress or prove yourself to someone you can be real with and who can accept you as you are. Second, you need 2. Friends who tell you the truth you need to hear. What goes through your mind when you say to someone, Tell me what you think about this, and they respond Well, do you want me to tell you the truth or should I just lie and make you feel good? Doesn t a part of you want to scream: Give me the lie? And honestly, most people would rather lie to us and make us feel good than tell us the truth and help us become better men. But the Bible tells us that we need the truth. Ephesians 4.15: Speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ. To mature into the person we were created to be, we need love, but we also need someone who will speak the truth to us. I told this story in a sermon a couple of years ago. Apologies to those of you who remember it. When I was here the first time, probably 30 years old, we were entering a new building phase. Strange, right?
14 I was in charge of Christian education for children and adults, so the building committee asked me to determine how much space we needed in our next building. The education committee determined our needs and how many square feet the building would require. When I presented our plan to the building committee, they responded by telling us that our proposal was more than the church could afford. The committee asked me to come back in a week with a different plan and gave me a budget to work with. Before I tell you the rest of the story, I need to remind you I was young because, to this day, what happened next is really embarrassing. The Christian education team looked at the new request and we came to the conclusion that what they were asking us to do made no sense. We decided that we should just wait until the church could afford to "do it right." When I met with the building committee, respectfully, I told them that we thought we should just make due until the church was able to build a building that would take care of our long-term needs. The chairperson asked if I had prepared a plan with the information they had requested. "Well, no, I said, because we just didn't see the point." The chairperson politely reiterated the committee's request and asked me to have that option ready in two weeks for their next meeting. As we were leaving that night, one of the men on the committee asked to speak with me.
15 He was a good friend and the managing partner of a law firm downtown. He had practically no church background when he and his wife started attending our church and I had led him to faith in Christ. "Rob, he said, I need to tell you that if you were my employee, I'd be firing you right now. The people on that committee are busy, and they work hard. Instead of being at home with their families tonight, they came to the church to listen to a report they had asked you to bring, and you didn't do it. Nobody is paying you to think you're smarter than everyone else. Nobody is paying you to be arrogant. Nobody is paying you to waste their time. If you worked for me, I'd be telling you to clean out your desk." For a second I thought, "Man, I led you to Christ. Before you knew me, you were self-centered, full of yourself, lost and going to hell. Who are you to tell me...?" But then I remembered who he was. He was my friend. He was a brother who loved me. And he was someone who was telling me a truth I needed to hear. That was 30 years ago, but I have never forgotten what he said. It was a great gift that has served me well through the years. There have been other times when I've been asked by a committee to work on a plan I didn't think made much sense. There have been occasions when a senior pastor told me to do something I saw little value in doing.
16 But the truth my friend spoke that night has stuck with me: Be humble, be a servant, show others the respect you desire to be shown and be faithful in the tasks you've been given. I am as grateful for the truth he spoke to me after that building committee meeting as I am any act of kindness that I have ever received. It was exactly what I needed to be successful as a pastor, and grow more into the image of Jesus. We need people in our lives who will help us by telling us the truth we need to hear. People who will confront us with things we don t see or don t want to admit. Question: Do have a friend who tells you the truth about yourself? If not, you ll never become who you were made to be and you ll probably never accomplish the purpose you were created to fulfill. You need that kind of friend. Third, you need 3. Friends who Challenge You. I believe that very few of us reach our potential in life. We don t make the full impact on the lives of others and the world around us that God created us to make. Sometimes it s because we re selfish. Sometime it s because we re lazy. But more often, I think, it s because we don t know what we can do. We don t see our potential, we downplay our gifts, and we doubt our abilities.
17 Maybe we re confident in our professional lives, but when it comes to doing God s work we don t dream big, we don t attempt much, and we don t fulfill our potential. Men, God s call on your life is too important and the needs of the world are too great for the story of your life to be what might have been. Jesus stepped into the lives of fishermen who were doing all that they knew to do. And he told them that the life they were living was too small and that they were made for something more. He told them they had important work to do for God, and if they would follow him they would become fishers of men and change the world. He saw their potential, he dreamed for them and he challenged them. And ordinary men lived extraordinary lives. And what we need is someone who won t let us be comfortable with living lives that are small. We need someone who can see our potential and will tell us that it s there. We need friends who challenge us to do more and be more than we are right now. Y all probably saw this shortly after it happened. But someone just sent it to me recently. It s Mack Brown talking to his team after the Longhorns beat USC for the national championship in 2006 in one of the most exciting games ever played. clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gvpj5un1yfs
18 I love that. Guys you re national champions. But that s not enough; you were made for more. Set your sights higher. Be men who use your lives for something more important than a football game. Make me proud and thirty years from now, be those men. You know how Quest was started 14 years ago. A man in our church said, Rob, we need to start something for men who don t do anything more than come to church on Sundays. We can do a breakfast, I ll get a team to cook. And you can talk. I said, I don t know if anyone would come. That early. To listen to me. I just don t think it will work. He said, I know they will come. Trust me, you can speak to guys in a way so that they ll come and keep coming. I reluctantly agreed. I told the guys who helped start Quest that I would be amazed if we had 75 guys show up. The first morning we had 225. This year, Sunday and Tuesday combined, we ve had close to 600. All because someone saw something in me that I didn t see in myself.
19 My wife for years had told me, You need to write a book. True to form, I said, Woman, that s crazy. Who would read much less publish a book I wrote? Well, now by the grace of God, I have written two books, and people are not only reading them they re paying money to read them. To make the changes that will help us reach our potential, we very often need someone to challenge us. We need someone who tells us that we can be more and that we can do more. And that it s not ok to neglect our gifts or become complacent. Are you fulfilling your potential? Are you making the impact you were meant to make? To do that, you ll need others. Do you want more out of life? Do you want to become who you were made to be and fulfill the purpose we were created to accomplish. Then, you ll need friends, good friends who share your values, believe in what matters most, and will challenge you. And those guys are here in this church and in this room.
20 Last and this is short but important. You need 4. Friends who will go the distance with you. Here s what I can tell you. Before our lives are over we re going to be hurt and/or were going to mess up. And most of us, our tendency will be to withdraw, cover up and hide. Some of us will experience deep disappointments at work. Others will go without a job for a long period of time. Some of us will suffer incredible pain because of our children. I hate to say it, but some of us will divorce. Some of us will bury our wives. And some of us will make tragic moral mistakes. And when it happens, whatever it is, you will feel like a failure; you will feel weak and ashamed. Or you ll feel so angry that you don t want to talk to or be around anyone. You re likely to do what men do. Go into your cave physically or emotionally and lick your wounds. That s what some men do. And some men never come out. And in that darkness we die emotionally and spiritually. Do you know what you ll need then? You ll need someone to come into the darkness and get you. You ll need someone who knows you and loves you enough that he won t leave you there.
21 Because you are brothers, he feels that he must keep coming for you until he brings you out. And that happens, becoming brothers like that, that happens before you go into your cave. Life is not good alone. It s not healthy; it s not happy. And it wasn t meant to be lived that way. Once you re grown, friendships good friendships rarely just happen. You must decide to create them. And one of the best ways I know is to join a small group with other men who want to grow in their relationship with God and be men of character.