Leadership in Marriage

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1 Leadership in Marriage Understanding the Patriarchal Order Rick Miller School of Family Life Brigham Young University

2 Principles of Righteous Leadership in Marriage

3 Principle #1 Lead with kindness and love.

4 No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile D & C 121:41,42

5 Dean L. Larsen, Sept Ensign, 6 There is no place in the Lord's system for dictatorship. The premise for leadership in the Lord's plan is enunciated best in D&C 121:34-46, where specific warning is given against compulsion, pride, control, unrighteous dominion, vain ambition, hypocrisy, and guile. On the other hand, emphasis is given to the need for persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, pure knowledge, faithfulness, charity, and virtue.

6 along with [the] presiding position, comes important obligations. We sometimes hear accounts of men, even in the Church, who think that being head of the home somehow puts them in a superior role and allows them to dictate and make demands upon their family. The Apostle Paul points out that the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the Church (see Eph. 5:23). That is the model we are to follow in our role of presiding in the home. We do not find the Savior leading the Church with a harsh or unkind hand. We do not find the Savior treating His Church with disrespect or neglect.

7 We do not find the Savior using force or coercion to accomplish His purposes. Nowhere do we find anything but that which edifies, uplifts, comforts, and exalts the Church. Brethren, I say to you with all soberness, His is the model we must follow as we take the spiritual lead in our families. Particularly is this true in your relationship with your wife. Here again the counsel from the Apostle Paul is most beautiful and to the point. He said simply, "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the Church. Ezra Taft Benson, TETB,

8 Parents should love and respect each other, and treat each other with respectful decorum and kindly regard, all the time. The husband should treat his wife with the utmost courtesy and respect. The husband should never insult her; he should never speak slightly of her, but should always hold her in the highest esteem in the home, in the presence of their children. We do not always do it, perhaps; some of us, perhaps, do not do it at all. But nevertheless it is true that we ought to do it. Joseph F. Smith, Gospel Doctrine, p.283

9 Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly. How has he done that?

10 Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn t try to rule or dominate me.

11 Church magazines: President, you have said: Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works. How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

12 President Hinckley: I ve tried to recognize my wife s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does. Gordon B. and Marjorie P. Hinckley, Oct Ensign, 22

13 mutual respect makes all the difference in the world having respect for one another as individuals and not trying to change your partner after your manner. You let her live her life in her way and encourage her talents and her interests. You will get along better then.

14 If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life. Gordon B. Hinckley, Oct Ensign, 27

15 Principle #2 The governmental structure of marriage is an equal partnership.

16 Immediately after setting me apart as a stake president, Elder Boyd K. Packer sat me down to give me a few points of advice on how to succeed in my new calling. I was fully prepared to be receptive to his counsel, but I couldn't help being taken aback by his first admonition.

17 "Now, President, I don't want you treating your wife like you do the stake." I was mildly offended. I said, "I wasn't planning on treating either the stake or my wife badly." "I know," he continued, "but you need to treat them, well, differently.

18 In the stake, when a decision is to be made, you will seek the opinion of your counselors and other concerned individuals. Then you will prayerfully reach a decision on the matter, and they will all rally around and support you because you are the president and you have the mantle of authority.

19 In your family when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision. If you ever pull priesthood rank on her, you will have failed in your leadership. Carlfred Broderick, One Heart, One Flesh, 31,32

20 A most important difference in the functioning of priesthood authority in the family and in the Church results from the fact that the government of the family is patriarchal, whereas the government of the Church is hierarchical. The concept of partnership functions differently in the family than in the Church. The family proclamation gives this beautiful explanation of the relationship between a husband and a wife: While they have separate responsibilities, in these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners ( The Family: A Proclamation to the World, Ensign, Nov. 1995, 102). Dallin H. Oaks, Priesthood Authority in the Family and the Church, Ensign, Nov 2005, 24

21 As an assistant, the counselor is not the president. He does not assume responsibility and move out ahead of his president. In presidency meetings, each counselor is free to speak his mind on all issues that come before the presidency. However, it is the prerogative of the president to make the decision, and it is the duty of the counselors to back him in that decision. His decision then becomes their decision, regardless of their previous ideas. Gordon B. Hinckley, Nov 1990 Ensign, 48

22 Principle #3 Decisions in marriage are made by consensus.

23 27 And every decision made by either of these quorums must be by the unanimous voice of the same; that is, every member in each quorum must be agreed to its decisions

24 30. The decisions of these quorums.., are to be made in all righteousness, in holiness, and lowliness of heart, meekness and long suffering, and in faith, and virtue, and knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity; D & C 107: 27, 30

25 They [husbands and wives] should be one in harmony, respect, and mutual consideration. Neither should plan or follow an independent course of action. They should consult, pray, and decide together...

26 Remember that neither the wife nor the husband is the slave of the other. Husbands and wives are equal partners, particularly Latter-day Saint husbands and wives. They should so consider themselves and so treat each other in this life, and then they will do so throughout eternity. Marion G. Romney, March 1978 Ensign, 2-4

27 Sometimes a husband may believe that his role as head of the house gives him a right to be exacting and to arbitrarily prescribe what his wife should do. But in a home established on a righteous foundation, the relationship of a man and a woman should be one of partnership.

28 A husband should not make decrees. Rather, he should work with his wife until a joint decision palatable to both is developed.

29 A man needs to understand that his power to influence his wife or children for good can only come though love, praise, and patience. It can never be brought about by force or coercion. H. Burke Peterson, July 1989 Ensign, 9

30 Remember, brethren, that in your role as leader in the family, your wife is your companion. As President Gordon B. Hinckley has taught: "In this Church the man neither walks ahead of his wife nor behind his wife but at her side. They are coequals." Therefore, there is not a president or a vice president in a family. The couple works together eternally for the good of the family. They are united together in word, in deed, and in action as they lead, guide, and direct their family unit. They are on equal footing. They plan and organize the affairs of the family jointly and unanimously as they move forward. L. Tom Perry, May 2004 Ensign, 71

31 The girl who marries you will not wish to be married to a tightwad. Neither will she wish to be married to a spendthrift. She is entitled to know all about family finances. She will be your partner. Unless there is full and complete understanding between you and your wife on these matters, there likely will come misunderstandings and suspicions that will cause trouble that can lead to greater problems. Gordon B. Hinckley, May 1998 Ensign, 49

32 Where there is respect, there is also transparency, which is a key element of happy marriages. There are no secrets about relevant matters in marriages based on mutual respect and transparency. Husbands and wives make all decisions about finances together, and both have access to all information. Elder L. Whitney Clayton, April 2013 General Conference

33 Husband and wife... are authorized, in fact they are commanded, to have proper sex when they are properly married for time and eternity. That does not mean that a woman is the servant of her husband. It does not mean that any man has a right to demand sex anytime that he might want it. He should be reasonable and understanding and it should be a general program between the two, so they understand and everybody is happy about it. Spencer W. Kimball, TSWK, 312

34 Principle #4 Ensure there is equity in the relationship.

35 Be a true partner in home and family responsibilities. Don t be like the husband who sits around home expecting to be waited on, feeling that earning the living is his chore and that his wife alone is responsible for the house and taking care of the children. The task of caring for home and family is more than one person s responsibility.

36 Remember that you are in this partnership together. Barbara and I have discovered that we can make our bed every morning in less than a minute and it s done for the day. She says that she lets me do it to help me feel good about myself all day, and I guess there may be something to that. Joe J. Christensen, May 1995 Ensign, page 64

37 It was not meant that the woman alone accommodate herself to the priesthood duties of her husband or her sons. Holders of the priesthood, in turn, must accommodate themselves to the needs and responsibilities of the wife and mother. There is no task, however menial, connected with the care of babies, the nurturing of children, or with the maintenance of the home that is not [a husband s] equal obligation. Boyd K. Packer, July 1989 Ensign, 75.

38 Principle #5 Priesthood leadership means service.

39 The priesthood is not so much a gift as it is a commission to serve, a privilege to lift, and an opportunity to bless the lives of others.... Yours is the privilege to be not spectators but participants on the stage of priesthood service. Thomas S. Monson, Willing and Worthy to Serve, April 2012 General Conference

40 Our lives are wrapped up with the lives of others. We are happiest as we contribute to the lives of others. I say that because the priesthood you hold means that you are to serve others. David O. McKay, Oct Conference Report, 112

41 The Priesthood of God means to me only the right to serve, in the name of God, God's children, and he who serves God's children in God's name is doing the greatest service for the Master that can be done. Stephen L. Richards, October 1917 Conference Report, 148

42 The First Presidency, comprised of Joseph F. Smith, Anthon H. Lund, and Charles W. Penrose, in February 1914 declared, Priesthood is not given for the honor or aggrandizement of man, but for the ministry of service among those for whom the bearers of that sacred commission are called to labor. Thomas S. Monson, Ensign, May 1996, page 43.

43 Principle #6 Righteous leaders use their priesthood power to bless their family.

44 Revelation concerning power was given to Joseph Smith when political power had turned against him and he was a prisoner in Liberty Jail. His first plea to the Lord was for help to avenge his enemies. His prayer: Let thine anger be kindled against our enemies (D&C 121:5). Our Father in Heaven responded with a greater blessing: My son, peace be unto thy soul (D&C 121:7). Then he made a promise if Joseph would endure and be faithful: God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes (D&C 121:8).

45 It was in this prison setting that God taught Joseph Smith about priesthood power. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by longsuffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned (D&C 121:41). Priesthood power is used to minister, to preach, to teach, to baptize, to ordain, to heal, to seal, to restore, to bless, to prophesy, to testify, to do good. Janette Hales Beckham, Ensign, Nov. 1995, 11

46 A child leaving to go away to school or on a mission, a wife suffering stress, a family member being married or desiring guidance in making an important decision--all these are situations in which the father, in exercise of his patriarchal responsibility, can bless his family. Spencer W. Kimball Oct 1974 Ensign, 162

47 To perform the vital priesthood ordinances is essential. But even more important than all these is the need to learn how to use the priesthood to bless our families and homes. If we live for it, ours can be a power given us from our Heavenly Father that will bring peace to a troubled household.

48 Ours can be the power that will bless and comfort little children, that will bring sleep to tear-stained eyes in the wee hours of the morning. Ours can be the power that will bring happiness to a family home evening, the power to calm the unsettled nerves of a tired wife.

49 Ours can be the power that will give direction to a confused and vulnerable teenager. Ours, the power to bless a daughter before she goes on her first date or before her temple marriage, or to bless a son before his departure for a mission or college... These are some of the important purposes of the priesthood. H. Burke Peterson, May 1976 Ensign

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