From the Perspective of a Mormon Girl. And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. 1 John 3:19.

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1 Abigail Busath Professor Hoffmann Honors 3200 Creative Nonfiction Assignment May 3, 2017 From the Perspective of a Mormon Girl And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him 1 John 3:19. You re an idiot if you believe in something as stupid as Jesus Christ. You don t know anything if you think he was a real person. I am 11 years old, in my fifth grade class, where we are working in groups on an art project. As is the protocol for adolescents, the essential conversation of who believes what and what belief is superior has come into play. Now normally, fifth grade clay projects of different foodstuffs don t bring the topic of religion to mind, and yet we made it happen. It all started with two guys saying how dumb the Mormons were. You would think, that as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Salt Lake City, Utah, that it would be easy for me, because there s so many of us. And sure, it is a sort of culture here, but the downside to that is that those who aren t a part of it resent those that are- or at least, growing up, that s how it s always felt to me. I m not an idiot! Jesus was too a real person! He did really good things for people, was my timid response. Never before had I been made to feel inferior for what I believed in. But now the group was closing in on me.

2 Oh, yeah? Well why don t you prove it? How do you know that He was real? My dad told me that only stupid people believe that. Faces from all sides of the room stared at me. Some were surprised, others smug, and some encouraging. That s when I began to feel the frustration that I d only felt before when I was losing a game. Yet somehow, losing an argument on the basis that I couldn t literally prove to another 11 year old (who wouldn t have known the difference if I could) that Jesus Christ, someone I so truly believed in, was real, made me really agitated and competitive. I glared across the table at the boy who d asked me for proof, preparing to give him a sermon like nobody had ever heard before. Or at least a witty retort. I opened my mouth, but- Ha! I knew you couldn t do it. That means He isn t real. Loser! Loser. Freak. Polygamist. Weirdo. Cult member. Satanist. Jerk. Sheep. Creepy. These are just a few of the words I ve been called in the Holy Wars as I like to refer to them. Sure, I can take the occasional joke about Mormon culture, because in many ways it is pretty funny. We are peculiar and some things we do and believe I m sure appear weird to people who aren t familiar with them. I can even handle people challenging our doctrine, because everyone has to do their own research and come to their own conclusions in life- but where I draw the line is when people make fun of actual people who are members of the church. I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13 Why would you even consider getting married before the age of 25? You know that as a woman, you have more worth than pumping out kids, right? Too bad your church doesn t think that- I mean, you don t even get the- what s it called? The priesthood. How oppressive is that?

3 I ve always believed that women have the same worth as men, and that we are capable of doing anything we put our mind to. I ve also never felt that my parents or my church oppressed me because of my gender. On the contrary, my father has always expected me to get a degree in college, and has always encouraged me to aim high and work harder than I wanted- something for which I am grateful. And while my parents have taught me about the sanctity of marriage, they have never made it feel like a checklist that I have to have completed by a certain time in my future. Rather, they ve encouraged me to prepare for that time appropriately and never settle because they want the best for me in my life. In church, I have always had opportunity for responsibility and have always felt like my input and ideas were valued, from every member in a leadership position- which is also a lucky thing because, like every institution, there are always individuals who don t believe that. But I was lucky with every ward I ve attended and every leader I ve had. I m sitting at a soccer field, getting my gear on for practice, mentally preparing myself for the awful running we were sure to be doing that day. The other girls are talking about their plans for college applications. Oh, we all know that anyone who goes to BYU only has one thing in mind, right? I hear someone laugh. Yeah, I wouldn t dream of going there, just because I d have a lot of horny mo-mo s coming after me to get married. I don t need that in my life. now. My cheeks burn and my head snaps up- the tying of my cleats completely out of my head

4 Yeah. Every girl who goes there drops out after like, the first year because she s too busy being a housewife. It s like a competition with them. They re so naïve and have no idea what real life is like. No thank you. Everybody laughs- even a few of the girls who I know are also LDS. I feel the blood rush into my face. The feeling of competitive frustration has built itself up in my chest again- and I m so angry I want to tell these girls off. Who do they think they are, criticizing people that they don t even know, for choices that don t even affect them? Who are they to be so hypocriticalwhen they spend their free time telling each other off because I was supposed to ask Jake to the dance! It was MY turn! You know this, I mean, why would you go behind my back like that? If anyone is oppressing them in the name of the patriarchy, it is certainly themselves. Who cares if some girl makes the decision to not finish school? I agree it s unfortunate, and had I been her friend I would have encouraged her differently, but frankly it s a decision that s not mine to make for anybody else. I clench my jaw and feel my interest in practice that day drain out of me completely. Suddenly I hear someone say my name. about you, Abi? Where are you thinking of applying? You husband hunting, too? Be sure to get in your BYU application! I know this is an innocent joke, made in the light of the moment, but I feel a real twinge of anger at the implication. Maybe it is irrational, of course it is irrational, but I feel personally targeted. And yet, I can t speak up. Oh, you know, a few local schools, and a few out of state. I just want to keep my options open, is all I say. Wherefore, lift up thy heart and rejoice, and cleave unto the covenants which thou has made. Doctrine and Covenants 25:13

5 Most of my best friends are not members of the church. I love them all the same, and I like to think they love me too, despite our differences. Religion has never been a factor in who I have or don t have as a friend. I mostly focus on how I feel when I m with these people and if I feel safe and like I can live my standards for myself, I don t worry about it. You converted anybody lately, Abi? It s like a disease with them, my friend Taylor (who finds it funny to tease me) explains to Fahad in our 5 th period Egyptian Arabic class. They ll be coming after you, if they haven t already. Better keep your Koran close so you can scare them off because they won t stop until everyone in the world is cured of their gayness and coffee drinking. Look out! The white Mormon Saviors are coming for you Fahad! They re going to educate your brown a** on the truth! Fahad looks incredulously at me from across the table. The twinge of anger burns through my veins again. How do I explain to someone who has no interest in hearing my explanation about what I believe and why I believe it? It s true we don t drink coffee. It s true our church is known for its extensive missionary work. But the rest of what Taylor said is so far off center. I have never considered anybody beneath me because their religion is different from mine- which is evident because Taylor, my friend, is a Buddhist, and Fahad is an active Muslim. Taylor, I ve asked you before, please don t talk that way around me. It s a little offensive. I m not trying to convert Fahad. I say calmly, despite the raging fire burning in my stomach and the sweat I start to feel on my palms. Oh, the Mormon is offended? Sorry I m just giving you a dose of reality, Abi. You guys don t own the place. You don t have the right to dictate to us about how we need to live. Taylor snaps back.

6 You know that s not what I m doing Taylor I reply, but he only laughs. I bite my tongue then. Class is starting and it s clear to me that there s no winning an argument with someone who already has their mind made up. I decide the friendship is worth more than the fight, and I pull out my notebook and ignore him for the rest of the class period- which I regret now. I should have said more, made myself heard, and trusted in my beliefs. Being timid has never resulted in a resolution- rather it has ended in my defeat, and this has always bothered me. Why should I be the bigger person? Why should I have to be the one that plays nice and keeps the peace? Why should I have to sit and take it when my family, friends and ancestors are being mocked? What happened to the ideals of living in a society where everybody is accepted? That s the whole reason my ancestors came to America, to have religious freedom- that is, until they were forced out of the central states under threat of death to make a life for themselves in the middle of a desert. And they succeeded. And now I m being told that my people are ridiculous and should just go away.but to where? This injustice has always left a bad taste in my mouth and an illogical and unproductive anger that burns inside my head and ultimately leaves me exhausted and wrapped in a ball. And now as I said concerning faith- faith is not to have a perfect knowledge of things; therefore if ye have faith ye hope for things which are not seen, which are true. Alma 32:31 I can t prove that Jesus Christ was who he said he was. I can t prove that the people in the Book of Mormon lived. I can t show people the artifacts that Joseph Smith used to transcribe the Book of Mormon. I can t scientifically prove any of this, which to the scientific and academic community means that they didn t happen. To them it means I m living a fantasy. To them it means I m delusional for believing in things like miracles or God. They don t appeal to the

7 authorities that I do for facts, and truly that s okay. They don t believe that faith is enough to believe in something, which makes sense. But I have always believed that science and religion can co-exist, despite the hot debate on that issue, because I have seen and had too many occurrences in my life to deny how blessed I truly am. I can t prove these things but that doesn t mean I m delusional. The more people have criticized me for the way I live, the more I find I cling to it. The more I hear about the stupidity of my ancestors, the more I study and the more I ponder the issues. Funnily enough the doubt that people have sought to sow into my life has actually made me react the opposite to the way they want me to. I m still in the church, I m still asking questions, I m still participating. I still search my life for the small miracles that are there for me to find. I still love reading scripture and spending time with my family. I will never be able to hear doctrine from the leaders without questioning it awhile before I apply it in my life. I will never stop praying. I will never stop trying to be good and kind. And while I know I will always fall short, that has never stopped me from trusting my parents teaching and my own conscience before. Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for and eye, and a tooth for a tooth. But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. Matthew 5:38-39 I grew up hearing this scripture constantly. My younger brother would bug me and call me names, and when I went to tattle on him my parents would say, Turn the other cheek. That used to make me so mad. Just because I was older meant my brother could get away with whatever he wanted? Or when I d come home seething about something somebody had done to me, after comforting me, my parents would end with, turn the other cheek, sweetie. Don t let them take your power. What the heck did that mean? My younger self had absolutely no idea.

8 It wasn t until I began college, and started to really figure out my place in the world that I started to understand. I have watched people from every background be taunted. I ve seen human beings from all walks of life be tormented with the choice of being themselves or fitting in. I ve seen the insensitivities of students and professors alike, and I ve watched how our technologically driven society is hateful to each other with faceless comments on a webpage. Religious, political, cultural, and international slander have become the new norm, and everyone is willing to participate because it makes them feel important. The world has taken on a total usvs.-them mentality from every side of every issue. By embracing one group we turn our backs on another. By advocating for one community, we re turning against another. There is no winning for anyone in this crazy place. And then it hit me. Turning the other cheek doesn t mean letting people win. It doesn t mean compromising your values and standards to avoid a fight. It means having the courage to lead by example. It means that keeping the peace is more important than being right, and that if you can love someone despite the hate that comes your way, then you have already won your fight. It isn t saying to stand down and let yourself be walked over, rather, it means that we should stand for our beliefs but not instigate or stir the pot. It s saying if we know what is right then we should not be ashamed of that truth, but never use it to persecute other people. I m sitting at my kitchen table. The house is quiet with the absence of my family. My cat snoozes in a big, ancient chair my parents have had forever, pictures of our family line the walls, the art my architect father and gift shop manager mother have stands proudly where it is placed. It s a tiny house, rather scrappy by most standards; the roof is caving in, it desperately needs paint, and a total facelift. But I love it anyway. I hear the decorative clock slowly ticking away the minutes. I stare at my computer screen, remembering things. They bring mixed emotions. I m

9 still angry, frustrated, tired, and bitter. But there s something new now. A sort of peace that comes with being who I am and believing what I believe despite the opposition. When I think about my beliefs, my true beliefs, I am happy. Some would say that s dangerous, but I don t think so. I have learned now that I can still stand strong and love people that don t agree with me, and remain hopeful that they too, will someday learn to love me in return. Until then, I can only love, have hope, and have faith. He that overcometh shall inherit all things; and I will be his God, and he shall be my son. Revelation 21:7

Scripture power keeps me safe from sin.

Scripture power keeps me safe from sin. Episode 12 Scripture Stories CHAPTER 18 Alma the Younger, Book of Mormon Stories [BEGIN MUSIC: Scripture Power] [END MUSIC] Because I want to be like the Savior, and I can, I m reading His instructions,