The September through June Dilemma: Addressing the Children of Interfaith Couples in Supplementary Religious School Lori Levine

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1 The September through June Dilemma: Addressing the Children of Interfaith Couples in Supplementary Religious School Lori Levine One Sunday morning, a group of teens committed to Jewish learning sit together with their rabbi to study about Jewish views on love and relationships. The rabbi stops the conversation to make a serious point: he wants all of these teens to know how important it is to date Jewish people and to plan on having a Jewish spouse if they want to build a Jewish home. These teens are enthusiastic, love their synagogue community, and are active in its youth group. But wait, says one young woman after thinking for a moment. My mom isn t Jewish, even though she raised me Jewish. Are you saying you have a problem with that? Well, replied the rabbi, I do not believe in interfaith marriages, but I think it s important for the kids to be raised Jewish. So, she says, as her voice falters and her face turns a darker shade of red, Are you saying that you think my parents shouldn t be married? The rabbi replies calmly, I can say that I would not have performed their wedding. It s just what I believe. What an unforgettable Jewish moment in that young woman s life. By now, countless children of interfaith marriages who are raised Jewish and feel Jewish have experienced just such an interaction. Many have been hurt or embarrassed by their teachers and role models throughout their Jewish education experiences. Even in the most liberal circles of the Reform movement, which aims to embrace families of all kinds and preaches audacious hospitality to all who enter our doors, a disconnect remains 1

2 between fantasy and reality. As much as Reform synagogues want to honor and accept non-jews who raise Jewish children, those non-jews often feel like awkward guests in their own homes. Jewish professionals and lay-leaders often struggle to decide how much to include them in our different areas of community life, and most Reform communities let rabbis decide independently whether or not to officiate interfaith marriages and whether or not to allow non-jews to participate in Jewish rituals. However, there is one area where the gates remain wide open to interfaith families: Jewish education. Everyone---Jewish professionals, lay leaders, educators, and parents alike---want the children of these marriages whom they deem to be Jewish children, in the door and learning about what it means to be Jewish. In 1995, the Union of American Hebrew Congregations, now the URJ, passed this resolution on religious education: Admission to Reform religious school of children whose parents have decided to raise and educate them as Jews is fully consistent with the mission of our schools, which, broadly stated, is to teach Judaism as a faith that is lived, and to enable students to develop a strong, positive Jewish identity that is acted on in relation to God, Torah and Israel. 1 The resolution concluded with a recommendation that parents of two faiths cannot educate their children in two faiths, and that religious school enrollment should be limited to children who are only being raised in one faith. Or, the resolution continues, they may choose to identify and educate their children as both. This is a path that we as committed Reform Jews cannot support. So the message here is that when it comes time to begin religious education, families need to make the informed and sincere decision to raise their children with 1 Enrollment Policies in Reform Religious Schools. (Resolution Published 1995). Retrieved November 12, 2015, from 2

3 Judaism as their sole religion. They are to send their children to religious school at their local temple to enhance Jewish literacy. The much-neglected question is, what happens next? How do teachers, rabbis, and educators work with these children once they are in their educational and spiritual care? This is not a theoretical or a rhetorical question; it is a very real one. Though the students in our religious schools are Jewish, in most cases one of their parents is not. The rate of interfaith marriage is the highest it has ever been: 58% of Jews overall, and 71% of non-orthodox Jews who married in the last decade are intermarried. 2 Moreover, the majority of these children will be raised Jewish or identify as Jewish in some way. 3 If one of these children sits in a Jewish classroom, the teacher needs to be aware of his or her reality. The exuberant boy who sits in the corner and loves to sing the Aleph-Bet still might celebrate Christmas complete with a tree in his home. The outgoing, smiling girl who sits in the front row at services may go to church occasionally with a loving, supportive grandparent. These children spend a significant amount of time with people whose beliefs and religious communities may differ radically differ from their own as Jewish children or from the educators who teach them about Judaism. When religious educators ignore the differing spiritual and family realities of interfaith children and their parents, they miss an incredible opportunity. Instead of creating spoken or unspoken prohibitions around discussion of non-jewish topics, teachers and rabbis could explore the non-jewish parts of these Jewish supplementary school students identities through exposure to teachings of other religions, even as they 2 A Portrait of Jewish Americans. (2013, September 30). Retrieved November 13, 2015, from 3 Susan Katz Miller ( ). Being Both: Embracing Two Religions in One Interfaith Family. Beacon Press. Kindle Edition. 3

4 focus unabashedly on the Jewish mission. Validating the celebration of these students non-jewish religious heritage at home as a real and important part of their family lives need not undermine goals of Jewish education. On the contrary, instead of making a child s non-jewish parent into a taboo topic, when Jewish professionals remember and honor that any and every parent is an integral part of this child s Jewish memories and family traditions that can only earn trust and respect. Children are not only welcome at religious schools because they are Jews who match our particular models for an ideal Jew, but because they are eager Jewish children with all of their complexities and needs who require support as they navigate their individual religious and spiritual identities, just like every other Jew. As the family narratives found within the walls of our classrooms become more and more diverse, educators in Jewish supplementary schools need to change the way they think about their students as Jews. Teachers have the opportunity to create a dynamic, nuanced learning environment for all children. This challenge may seem daunting and even unnecessary in the context of supplementary schools. However, when educational leaders exercise their ability to change their approaches and educate students as full people; that is what will ultimately enhance the quality of Jewish education. Beginning can be quite simple. Many curricular themes, including Jewish history and Israel, can be used as vehicles for explicitly addressing the beliefs and history of Judaism, Christianity and Islam in the Jewish classroom. In an increasingly global and multicultural world, the students will undoubtedly encounter other religions along the way as they form their own Jewish identities. The Jewish education that supplementary schools provide could also help Jewish children to be reflective, well-informed citizens of 4

5 the world. Increasingly, the discourse in general education engages in a debate about teaching the history and beliefs of the world s major religions and civilizations in public schools as well. 4 Today, this ability to educate and inform is more important than ever. When they turn on a television and hear about ISIS or learn about September 11 th, they need to be able to differentiate between Shi a and Sunni Muslims to engage in an informed conversation. When they are invited to a friend s confirmation or communion, they should have an understanding of the historical relationship between Judaism and Christianity. When nuanced, positive conversations about different faiths happen within the walls of the Reform synagogue, Jewish educators and clergy have the opportunity to frame it as a Jewish conversation. We can teach what we believe as well as what our friends and neighbors believe without erasing or even minimizing a child s Jewish affinity and love of their own faith tradition. Reform Jewish religious schools can put their ideas of tolerance and welcoming into action in these moments. For example, teaching about Islam s core pillars of faith might give one Jewish child the courage to correct an offensive remark condemning Muslims at school, fighting prejudice in their everyday lives. For children who face regular anti-jewish comments in their Christianmajority communities, knowledge can feel like a new source of power and confidence. Interfaith couples count on Jewish educators to give their children a foundation in Jewish knowledge and paths for Jewish living where each child can shine. Interfaith families crave belonging, engagement, and inclusion in a Jewish community that reflects 4 Wertheimer, L. (2015, September 8). Public schools shouldn t preach. But they should teach kids about religion. Retrieved November 17, 2015, from 5

6 who they truly are as people straddling two cultures with two sets of family traditions and religious heritages. When Jewish educational leaders try, in vain, to hermetically seal off Jewish education from this reality, they do their own students a disservice. Each child of an interfaith couple being raised Jewish needs to be seen and heard as full, complex members of the larger contemporary Jewish family. If the community cannot change, the consequence is simple: they will walk away. Frankly, I wouldn t blame them. 6