A Wife After God s Own Heart

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1 A Wife After God s Own Heart Biblical Womanhood, Part 5 In the beginning, God created woman as a helper, a supporter and an aide (Gen 2:18,22). Though our culture would scoff at such a role in society, there is truly great honor in it. Within our God- given position as helpers is the innate ability to influence. There s no easier place to see how women are wired as influencers than in marriage. Whether you realize it or not, you have likely become a skilled influencer of your husband. It is second nature for women to use subtlety to encourage the changes we want to see in our men. God is aware of this bent within us (in fact He designed it!), and there are 3 specific commands given to wives that help us refine the influence that is already there: help, submit, respect. These are usually the last 3 things we want to do in relation to our husbands, but without these, you will never effectively see your husband flourish through your influence. HELP Then the Lord God said, It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Gen 2:18, 22, 24) Help Defined Unfortunately, most people think being a helper is little more than being a secretary. But as you ll see, this is not an accurate interpretation. This phrase, helper fit for him is ezer neged in the Hebrew: ezer (help) neged (at your side, next to, beside, corresponding to). This Hebrew word ezer is used of Eve twice in this chapter. Every other time in the Old Testament it is used of God and how He came to the aid of His people: Our soul waits for the Lord; He is our help and our shield. Ps 33:20 But I am afflicted and needy; Hasten to me, O God! You are my help and my deliverer; O Lord, do not delay. Ps 70:5 O Israel, trust in the Lord; He is their help and their shield. Ps 115:9 I will lift my eyes to the mountains; from where shall my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. Ps 121:1-2 What an incredible type of help this is! A help that shields, that is needed desperately, in times of need and affliction. This help goes beyond that of a secretary or assistant. This is help that is invaluable! When we say God is our help, our ezer, we place him in an exalted place: our shield, deliverer. Is God inferior to us because He is our help? No! Rather, God is elevated when we admit we need His help,

2 that we can t do it on our own. So why would we, as women, feel inferior by being created to help? By understanding that men cannot do it alone, that they need our help to fulfill their God- given roles? We are no more inferior to man because we were created to help any more than God is inferior to us when He is a help to us. As God is a help to His people, so woman was created to be a help to man. Help in Context Notice the end of verse 24 above: and they shall become one flesh. Part of the reason this command to be a helper is rarely well- received in America is we don t understand we are one unit with our spouse. Our culture, through the commonness of divorce and the rights of women, promotes a very individualistic view of marriage. It s as if two individuals are doing their own thing bound only by bank accounts, children, and a shared bed. But God gives a bigger picture of marriage: one flesh! If you hurt your right leg and needed to use your left to support more of your weight for a time, would you hesitate? Would you think: That s not fair to my left leg to do that much work! No! You are a singular unit, one person. Your body works together for the benefit of the whole. Or after winning an art competition, would you say, all the credit goes to my right hand! No, your ability to draw is not just in your right hand, but in your mind, the muscles in your arm, etc. Marriage is two people becoming one flesh. Without this context, a desire to be a help to our husbands will never make sense. We will always feel that it isn t fair or have a myriad of what about me thoughts. We forget that once we say I DO, his calling is my calling, his ministry is my ministry, his success is my success, and his weakness is my weakness. We choose to help willingly first and foremost because God commands it and we trust Him, but also because as our husband is benefitted, so we will be. Help in Action So what does it look like? Since this is a help that is bigger than just being a secretary or housemaid, it will look vastly different for every wife, depending on the needs of her man. Remember the examples of how God came to the aid of His people? This was often in times of great weakness and distress. So a good place to start is by asking the question, what are the greatest needs of your husband or greatest weaknesses? Does he struggle with depression? Help may look like notes of encouragement, strategically- planned, fun- filled date nights, and constant prayer. Does he get easily overwhelmed? Help may look like organizing his desk, saying no to more social engagements to allow for a simpler schedule, and Does he get refreshed by time alone? Create those spaces for him, physically and in your schedule. Is he refreshed by time with his friends? Give him the freedom to spend a night out with them, or arrange it as a surprise. Become a student of your husband and ask God for creativity to bring life- giving help to him for the glory of God and the benefit of your marriage and household. SUBMIT Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as

3 the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives, when they see your respectful and pure conduct. 1 Pet 3:1-2 Submission Defined Submission is not just for wives. The concept to subjecting yourself to an authority is showcased in many arenas throughout the Bible: young men submit to elders, servants to masters, children to parents, and everyone is to submit to government, rulers and authorities, and to one another. Submission simply means to operate under authority and have a disposition to yield to that authority. John Piper defines submission not in terms of specific behaviors, but as a disposition to yield to the husband s authority and an inclination to follow his leadership. It is a disposition rather than assert of behaviors or roles because mature femininity will express itself in so many different ways depending on the situation. Biblically, your husband holds a position and a rank over you. This is not due to his merit, his skill, or his personality. It is simply because God ordained men to be the authority in a marriage. A refusal to submit to a husband is a refusal to submit to God, since it was He who gave the command. The mature woman acknowledges that submission is the will of God for her, and obedience to this will is no more a sign of weakness in her than it was in the Son of Man when He said, Not my will but yours be done. Elisabeth Elliot In submission there is protection and freedom. Consider our government. We operate in submission to it every day. Your choice to drive the speed limit and to pay for what you take from the store is a choice to be subject to our government. But I have unlimited freedom every day to do what I want with my day within the boundaries set by this authority. It only intervenes when necessary. I also experience protection because this authority exists. I can trust that it is unlikely someone will steal my car or run off with my purse because there are consequences in place for law- breakers by this same authority. Our husbands offer the same freedom and protection. The intervention of this authority won t come into play every day. If you are operating in the directives and boundaries set by your husband for your family, there is great freedom within that. Ultimately, he will answer to God for how he has led you in this way. You on the other hand, will answer to God for how you submitted to his leadership. As man s power over woman is restrained by love, woman s power over man is restrained by submission. Any woman knows that she has ways of getting her own way. These must be restrained. The kind of restraint God asks of her is submission. Elisabeth Elliot Submission in Context There are several contextual clues in the verses above. Let s take a few key phrases and talk about what they imply about our submission as wives.

4 1. As to the Lord : the issue of submission to a husband has nothing to do with the husband himself. It has everything to do with God. He has given the command and it is unto Him that we obey. We do not submit because our husbands deserve it, but because God deserves it. Submit to your husband because you love God and trust Him. Sarah submitted to Abraham twice when it seemed foolish. And both times, God stepped in to protect her! (Gen 12:10-20, 20:1-7) God is our protector and defender and submitting to your husband puts you under His loving care. 2. In everything : this means in the big and the small things, you should allow your husband to be the authority that he is. He might not have an opinion on every small thing, but if he does, allow him to have authority even over those small things. 3. If some do not obey the word : It doesn t matter how mature your husband is. Or even if he is saved. This 1 peter passage doesn t say submit to your husbands, unless he is disobedient to God, then you better lead since he is incapable. No, it calls us to submit even when our men are disobedient to God. This does not mean following him into sin. But when our husbands are not walking with God how He has commanded, we respond in submission. This is counterintuitive for sure. But God alone can bring change, and submission puts him under God s authority. We get out of the way. This also applies to those whose husbands aren t saved. Remember, Jesus understands this form of submission. He chose to subject Himself to His parents, even though they were sinful and He wasn t. He was better, more mature, more holy, and more everything than His parents, and He still submitted to them. Voluntary submission is her very strength. Because it is the thing asked of her by her Creator, it is the thing which assures her of fulfillment. It is the task assigned to her which, willingly performed, actually strengthens the husband in his weakness. Elisabeth Elliot Submission in action Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband s leadership and help carry it through according to her gifts. Submission is an inclination of the will to say yes to the husband's leadership and a disposition of the spirit to support his initiatives. John Piper Submission is more an attitude than it is an action. So it s difficult to give specifics of what this will look like, as it will be different for every wife depending on her husband. If you are cultivating a submitted attitude toward the Lord and your husband, his authority over you will probably not intervene that often. But when it does and you are asked to let him make a decision or lead you and your family in a way you don t agree with, engage your faith in God and remember you are called to submit because God has asked it of you. Your life and your happiness are not in the hands of your husband but in the hands of God. And there exists no safer place than to be in the will of God.

5 RESPECT Let the wife see that she respects her husband. Eph 5:33 Respect Defined The greek word used here for respect is strong. Only once in all of the scriptures is it translated as respect. Every other time this word phobeo is translated to either fear or afraid. What does this mean? I don t think it means we should be afraid of our husbands. But I do think it means something stronger than what most women think of when they hear respect. The biblical concept of fear is associated with reverence, weightiness, or honor. This is more accurate of the command given here. We are called to show consistent honor and reverence to our husbands. This should affect all aspects of our interaction with our husbands. How counter- cultural this is! The air of the culture around us speaks of a backwards order: men submitting to women, men bowing down to a woman s every impulse and desire. Yet, in God s design and for His glory we are called to show deep honor to our husbands simply because of the position that they hold. Respect in Context There are no caveats, no disclaimers, no if clauses on this command, which is extremely telling. Even when they are undeserving, our husbands deserve our respect because God has asked us to give it. Respect in Action In Word: First and foremost this means in word. Even when our husbands have failed or have hurt us, this is not an occasion to be disrespectful in our words. Sure, they don t deserve to be respected, but God did not ask us to respect our men only when they deserve it. If that were the case, we would NEVER have a reason to show them respect. There is a way to tell a man he s wrong or has hurt you with vindictive, belitting, and condescending words and also a way to share the same thing with respect. Choose the latter. It will actually produce the result you want: a husband who wants to change because he loves you. We must reign in our emotional outbursts and choose words that are full of as much grace as they are hard truth. In Timing: Respect also manifests in when you choose to speak. This means when you have a complaint to share, choose the right time. Five minutes before your husband enters an important meeting might not be the best time to share your disappointment that he forgot to take out the trash. As women, we just talk more than men do. It is a proven fact. We can honor them by creating space for them to share their heart and not filling every second with conversation. When your husband gets home from work, don t immediately overload him with information. Ask him about his day, listen carefully, and care deeply about what he cares about. In Public: Respect means honoring our husbands publicly. You should be slow to speak of anything negative about your husband to anyone. David honored Saul (a self- centered man seeking to kill him) by rebuking the man who killed him saying How were you not afraid to destroy the Lord s anointed? (2 Samuel 1:14) This is a huge statement! David, more than anyone, had suffered needlessly from Saul s self- centered and jealous desire to rule. Yet he never spoke a disrespectful word about Saul, but

6 honored him simply because of his position: he was the Lord s anointed. Your husband might have a lot of flaws, but he is your husband nonetheless, and deserves your honor publicly. IN CONCLUSION Let s trust that God knows what He s talking about when gives us guidelines for marriage. He created men and women. He created in institution of marriage. Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. Acknowledge Him in your marriage by submitting to the commands He laid out (help, submit, respect) and He will make your path straight. (Prov 3:5-6) You have been given a HUGE place of influence as a wife. Do not take it lightly. Submit yourself to God and use your position in your marriage to further the Kingdom and benefit others not yourself.

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